Have you ever noticed how many vacations people in the Bible took?

Seriously, every other day is a feast or a festival or a week long wedding or some church potluck that gives everyone an excuse to stop working. It’s a wonder they ever got anything done. Look at how long the temple took to get built! The French look pretty leisurely with their three day work week. But the Jews, come on! They really knew how to take doing nothing seriously.

Some people find being a workaholic a cause for bragging, Christians too. Look at it this way: If God is using you so much that you can’t even take a 15 minute break, how holy does that make you? Let’s make a little comparison: This guy is constantly on the move, people are getting saved left and right. If it weren’t for his tireless efforts, the kingdom of God would definately derail. He’s doing so much stuff for God, even when it looks like he’s sleeping! Then there’s me. I’m slumped over on my couch, and I’ve just realized I ate far more fig newtons than is safe for human consumption.

Not taking time off, that goes right up there with not having a TV, or not eating meat, or not speeding, or not drinking a fifth of vodka on a weeknight, or not raising herds of farm animals illegally in an urban area. What, am I supposed to be impressed?

Boasting about not taking time off isn’t biblical, and it makes everyone else just a little bit uneasy.

For me, it’s just hard to take vacations. Like a child tiptoeing into a cold pool, I usually take a day or two to let myself unwind and actually enjoy myself without thinking of all the stuff I should be doing, which I wouldn’t accomplish anyway.

Then there’s this blog. I’ve been going at this for about six months now. It’s amazing how quickly this thing fused itself to me and became a part of my routine. Some days, it’s been easy to write, others have been difficult, and you could probably tell that. It’s hard to remember my routine without it. I’m a little afraid to give it up, even for a few days.

But in all honesty, you probably need as much of a vacation from me as I need a vacation from me. To think otherwise would be incredibly big-headed of me. So, after six long months, I am taking a short vacation. But it’s only to emulate Christ, not because I want to or anything.

I’ll be gone for a week to vacation in sunny

exotic

Arkansas.

And then I’ll be back Monday June 15, ready to rev up the blog again.

Hey everyone? Before I go, thanks for reading. I don’t say that enough. But it’s great to have you here. Never thought that would happen. I hope I’ll see you again when I get back.

What about you? Is it tough for you to take time off? Is it because God has completely filled your schedule and He just can’t make it without you? Or do you work so hard that you just have a hard time letting go?

“You can do anything if you put your mind to it.”

When I was a kid, my parents told me I could do anything I put my mind to. I believed them. They were good parents for encouraging me. My Dad told me I could be the President if I wanted to be. That sounded pretty good for a five-year-old of my skills.

The encouragements of my parents seemed plausible at the time. I was a pretty smart kid, things came easy in school. Once, I signed up for a YMCA softball team. I could do anything, so I could play softball.

I stepped up to the plate at our first practice. The coach was pitching. I took my batting stance. I kept my eye on the ball, just like my old man told me to. There was a slight grin on my face and a gleam in my eye as I prepared to show everyone what I was made of. I took aim and swung the bat as hard as I could.

Long story short, I discovered that day I could not do everything I put my mind to. But Gramps still told me I was special and gave me a Werthers Original.

It quickly became apparent, and was later confirmed by scientific tests, that the unique mix of my parents’ DNA had produced a theoretically implausible child – perhaps the first recorded case – a child with absolutely no athletic capabilities whatsoever. My future was set that day: I would be picked last in gym class for the next ten years. I compensated for this by joining Boy Scouts.

In high school and college, I discovered I wasn’t smart at everything. No matter how I put my mind to Algebra or not getting picked last in gym, I could not master them. I also joined the Debate team in high school, and won some awards, but not before realizing while sitting in a darkened school hallway in the middle of a dismal sophomore year that there were strict limits to my abilities. Even with art, which was the one thing I was really good at had its limits. I also found myself lacking in the charm department, severely limiting my ability to get a girlfriend. But Gramps was always home when I struck out with a lady, ready with a funny story and some ice cold Country Time lemonade.

In the years since, I’ve realized I have no talent for writing romantic mytery novels, running a small boat shop in Mexico, counting cards in Vegas, or impersonating an eccentric eastern European woman…

That seems to be part of growing up: realizing that you may not be able to do everything your parents told you you could. These days, I think parents are especially addicted to encouraging their kids. Everything is self-esteem. I knew a couple of parents who would buy their kid a trophy after every martial arts tournament he attended. Didn’t matter what the tournament was giving out, or if he actually did well, he got a trophy; because he was special. Mommy’s precious baby boy broke some boards and deserves a big shiny trophy!

That’s getting to be the norm though. We like organized sports, but we have stopped liking competition. So there’s no special recognition for exceptional kids, because that would make kids like me who played like turds feel bad. Solution? Give everyone a trophy! Yea! Everyone is equally awesome at everthing!

I’m not saying encouraging your kids is bad. I wouldn’t have tried anything if my parents hadn’t encouraged me. I’m just guessing that parents today have a lot more opportunities to do so than it used to be. In the old days, if a kid decided he wanted to be a ballet dancer on Broadway, his Dad “encouraged” him to get his lazy butt outside and milk the cows.

It’s kind of a let down to realize that you are indeed ordinary, just like the rest of us.

What’s ironic is that as a pastor, I spend my Sundays attempting to convince people that I am NOT special! There is nothing exceptional about me, that they don’t have. I have no special gifts that enable me to read the Bible or pray out loud or serve others any more than anyone else. Sundays are spent attempting to convince adults that they are good enough! We all have the same God! You can do it! You can recieve a calling from God and go through with it!

Alas, so many people will not be convinced. No matter how many trophies or ribbons or praises you give them, they refuse to stop feeling inadequate. I could haul in everyone’s Gramps and 50 gallons of Blue Bell premium homemade vanilla ice cream, and some people would still feel depressed about themselves!

Look at the Bible. Did a bunch of dirty, uneducated fishermen have any special skills to be disciples? I daresay, they did not. They didn’t even have the ability to ‘step out in faith’ half the time. But that’s what’s awesome about Jesus. He takes an adorable group of ragtag misfits and underachievers and pits them against the team of rich suburban white kids with fancy new uniforms, and kicks their butts.

What encouragements did your parents give you? What did you turn out to be just awful at? What actual talents did you discover you had?

What if we lived in a perfect world?

In a perfect world, there’d be teleportation so we wouldn’t have to walk in the rain, waffle irons wouldn’t spill all over the place, and Star Wars Episodes 1-3 wouldn’t exist.

Perhaps some of us have thought that in a perfect world, all of us would be Christians. We’d all get along and hold hands and side hug. I’ve got a few other ideas about what the world would be like though…

What if We All Were Christians?

No One to Witness To
When you have company over, you probably let them eat off of your plates. You serve them real food too. You probably picked up the old newspapers and clean the gunk out of your bathroom sink before they come over. You showered and got dressed. But when it’s ‘just family,’ you’re eating frozen pizza off of paper towels. Ah! Ah! Don’t deny it! You might wander around the house half dressed in your pajamas all day. You call the dog into the kitchen to lick up the spilled food rather than mopping the floor. No, I don’t do that. I just know that everyone else does. I don’t wear pajamas, thank you.

It’s a lot the same with Christians mixing it up with ‘others.’ When we’re in mixed company, we’re on call for ‘witnessing.’ We’re on our best behavior. Don’t want to be the ‘party foul’ guy that makes Christians everywhere look like hypocrites. But when it’s ‘just us Christians,’ I suspect things could get a little lax. When everyone is ‘just us Christians,’ well let’s just say I’m coming to church truly ‘as I am.’ If I’m half dressed in a stained t-shirt, with three-day stubble and insane bed head, that’s how God made me, and I’m beautiful. I’m not here to impress you, but hey, I got it, so I flaunt it.

Say Good-Bye to Entertainment
A few Christian movies in the mix is a good thing. A few Christian bands is a good thing. Christians have to try really hard because they’re competing with other talented people. But guess what? If every movie and music album out there was all churchy, it would be pretty boring. Here’s my catch-all movie script template in the all-Christian world:

Scene one: A family is in church, as usual. Where else would they be?

Scene two: The daughter faces a ‘moral’ dilemma, which since everyone is Christian, must not be a very interesting one. Probably something about some ‘sinful’ feelings she is having about a boy who has never spoken to her, but has piercing blue eyes. She made eye contact with him from across the room at the church potluck and her heart went all aflutter despite her sense of right and wrong.

Scene three: The daughter prays diligantly at her bedside about her problem.

Scene four: The daughter talks with her pastor about her problem.

Scene five: The daughter does the Christian thing to solve her problem, which in no way leads to a climactic showdown or a hilarious case of mistaken identity.

The end.

Movies are entertaining because they are about people doing bad things. That’s called conflict. With no conflict, everything is Sesame Street. Just look at our Christian bookshelves. Way too many books, and most of them are Sesame Street. That’s what happens when Christians have no one but each other to compete with.

How Would We Know Who to do Business with?
It’s easy to know who to call when you have raw sewage rapidly backing up into your basement. You open the yellow pages and skim the plumbers’ ads for one that features a little Jesus fish. That fish ensures that you have found the most qualified, timely, honest, and cheapest plumber. You also will enjoy the benefits of someone who already thinks like you, rather than placing yourself in the position of possibly being able to witness to someone.

But what if every restaurant was Chik-Fil-A? How would you know what God’s will is for your lunch-time fast food needs? What if every plumber had a fish on his truck? It would be impossible to know who was the best!

No More Altar Calls
Well, I guess it wouldn’t be all bad if everyone were Christians…Not having an altar call, that extra 15 minutes not spent with every head bowed and every eye closed just might give the Baptists an edge in the after-church scramble to get to Golden Corral. That’d give those Methodists a run for their money. They just might have to start going to early church!

Someone Wouldn’t Be ‘Christian’
We have lots of non-Christian ‘Christians.’ Those are people who think they’re Christians, but they add lots of weird books to the Bible and have perfect hair and smile a lot and wear black ties and ride bicycles, and they’re creepy enough to even creep out other Christians.

If we were able to get rid of all those groups, another one would just pop up. And if it didn’t, we’d just name someone ‘non-Christians.’ Tabloid mags wouldn’t go away. They’d just be filled with stories of people who were suddenly ‘less’ Christian than everyone else.

Wouldn’t it be weird if all our non-Christian Christians rose up and took over the all-Christian world, and enslaved all the real Christians, and made them feel that they were the ones who were less than Christian?

Not Much Would Change
Would it really be a perfect world? Would wars and poverty stop? Would people stop getting divorced? Would toasters stop breaking just after their warranties expire? If the Bible has taught me anything, the real solution to our problems is abandoning a war-scorched Earth and sending a tiny group of people, including me, to create a new civilization on Mars.

What do you think the world would be like if everyone were Christians?

Christians think they have all the answers.

Well, real Christians think that. Some of us go shopping for other gods, which is nothing new. As kids at Boy Scout camp, we used to sing this song, ‘If I Weren’t A Boy Scout…’ It’s all about these other jobs in the world. So the second half of the line would be something like ‘a trucker I would be.’ And it would go on from there. We never sang it at church camp. I wonder what it would be like if we did sing, ‘If I Weren’t a Christian…?’

As a lifelong Christian, I’ve sometimes wondered what it’s like to be a part of another faith group.

I’ve often wished I had a second life, an alternate lifetime that I could waste, a life where I could squander the most precious moments by saying something hilariously inappropriate while taking my ‘real’ life seriously. This is one of those instances where a second life would be ideal. I’m not really in the market for a new God, because I picked right the first time, of course.

But if I did have an alternate life, I can tell you, there would be plenty of religions I’d briefly dabble in and eagerly try to recruit my friends to, before realizing that they did not meet my immediate needs and made me no happier or wealthier after 2 weeks.

If I Weren’t a Christian…

An Atheist I Would Be!
Atheists like to paint Christians with a broad brush as being a bunch of gullible mush heads who can’t deal with reality. They need a teddy-bear God to cuddle them because they can’t deal with the often high levels of suckitude in life. Religion is the opiate of the masses, to quote some guy.

But I think atheism is the ultimate comfy armchair religion. Just sit back, take everything at face value, and be accountable to no one! An atheist gets to be his own boss…well, at least in his mind, which is everyone’s dream. Plus you get to criticize and persecute everyone else’s religion, while vehemently insisting that you are one of those ‘friendly’ atheists. You don’t get that being an agnostic. You already know I am quite talented at being cynical and critical while seeming as friendly as a lost puppy. Seems like a natural fit.

A Muslim I Would Be!
Some people need rules, structure and discipline. That’s why boot camp and juvenile hall exists. Islam also offers a true life of discipline, while Christians throw around this stuff about, ‘It’s not a religion, it’s a relationship.’ Christians are skipping down the yellow brick road, holding hands with Jesus while Islam offers a manly, self-reliant religion. You want to get saved, you gotta do it yourself with your own bare hands, like a real man, like MacGyver. The women know their place too, and they never forget it either…mostly because the ones who did forget aren’t around anymore…

An American I Would Be!
I love Americanism. It’s kind of like Christianity, but there’s no church attendance required, no money being ‘embezzled’ from the members, and really, no rules at all! Just a lot of, “God bless America!” Watching your choice of televangelist twice a year is encouraged to help keep the appearance of peity while speaking with church-going friends, but is not required. And it comes with the same assurance that those radical Baptists have that “Jesus” will solve all your petty, insignificant problems. Plus, you get a boat when you become a member, I think.

A Scientologist I Would Be!
I just think that would get a laugh at a party. “Hey you know what would be hilarious? If we became Scientologists.” It would be like that time I told everyone I had joined a bowling league.

A Cultist I Would Be!
Cults are a great way to make history. We live in an increasing anonymous, homogenized world, and dang it, I want my 15 minutes. If you want to join me, bring your blue windbreaker, a whistle, your copy of Super Mario Bros. 3, some snacks and orange pop and meet me in my parents’ basement.

A Unitarian I Would Be!
Seems like being a Unitarian would be a good way to network, which is paramount to doing business. In my alternate life, I’d be running a Bed and Breakfast / dojo with my wife. She’d be running the B&B, of course.

A Mormon I Would Be!
Momons seem like a cheerful bunch, but I think I’d last about 30 seconds as a Mormon. I’d show up to the first meeting and I’d be trying to be really really nice. It would go something like this:

Me: (really toothy smile): “Brother Tobias, it’s so good to meet a new brother in our Mormon Lord and Savior.”

Tobias: (even toothier smile): “Well Brother Matt, I’m so glad that…”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do this…I can’t go the rest of my life without being critical of something. I think you should call security to escort me off the premesis.”

I think Mormonism rests on one’s ability to never criticize anything. If my aptitude for niceness didn’t crack, they’d find me out anyway.

Yeah, there’s a bunch of religions I wouldn’t try. They’re fine, they just wouldn’t be for a me. What about you? What religion might be fun if you weren’t so concerned with truth and salvation and free donuts and all that stuff? Was anyone out there a part of a different faith before becoming a Christian? What was that like?

Have a great weekend being Christians, everyone!

Welcome back everyone!

I say that because it’s been a bit lonely the last few days, and I’m narcisisstic enough to assume today is your grand return. Sunday was slim, as I’m sure it was in many of your churches. The last few days have been lonely in blog-town too. You were all probably spending your weekends at The Lake. I know this, because the only people who have made their presence known to me the last few days were not at The Lake, they were taking breaks from their honey-do lists! I never knew what it was like to skip church to go to ‘The Lake’ because I’m a preacher’s kid, and we of the P.K. club know nothing of Lakes or season tickets or other such means of ‘alternative venues of worship.’

Well I don’t know who gave you permission to go to The Lake and miss out on all the award winning* blogs that were written over the weekend, but you’ve got some make-up reading, my friend. So get comfortable, make sure it looks like you’re working, and do something important: read some blogs.

On Sunday, I preached about Jesus healing a man with a shriveled hand, or some such thing. Snore. God only knows what kind of drivel I said, because no one was really listening, because no one was really there. Well I really blew it. I missed a golden opportunity. If I had known (which I should have) that I’d be talking to myself in church, that message would have looked a whole lot different. A whole lot different…

Sermons I Should Have Preached

Deuteronomy 23:1: He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

Look, churches are suffering because they have such low requirements for membership. You’ve got to draw the line somewhere. If the line isn’t here, then who else will you let into church? Hippies? Democrats? Guys who wear sandals in winter? We have to stand up and say ‘this is the line,’ you have to meet these requirements to be in fellowship with us. For some churches, you have to be baptized in the Holy Spirit. For us, the line is if you’ve been kicked in the crotch more than five times, or comically fallen onto an outdoor stair railing more than three times, we’re just not sure you’re our kind of guy. But there’s a Unitarian church down the street that will probably take you.

Genesis 38:8-10: Then Judah said to Onan, “Go in to your brother’s wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.” Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also.

We were told in our public school sex ed that this wasn’t a viable means of birth control. You’re also at risk for numerous venerial diseases, plus there’s the risk of getting smitten by God. Abstinence is the only way, kids, the only way to prevent being smitten. God can see what you’re doing in that car. If we don’t warn our kids, who will?

Judges 3:21-22: And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.

The Bible is certainly an earthy book. So many rich textures. If you are a king, and you are entertaining a foreign dignitary, it is so important to get a good night’s sleep, eat a healthy breakfast, and put on clean underwear, just like Mom always told you to. You just don’t know how your day is going to go.

2 Kings 2:23-24: From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. “Go on up, you baldhead!” they said. “Go on up, you baldhead!” He turned around, and looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

Those were the days. You ‘eff with God, you get mauled. Short and sweet. That used to be all there was to preach about! If I were Elisha, I’d have sent two ninjas to maul the youths. Elisha just stays all quiet and whispers a curse under his breath and leaves. But then the music changes, and these two ninjas jump out of the bushes and flip out on everyone! These days, God has so many people He needs to sick bears on, and the bear habitats are so threatened, you sometimes have to wait months after the fact for your mauling.

Next Memorial Day weekend, just wait. The three of you who show up to church are going to get a sermon to remember.

Have you ever heard sermons on these verses? What would you name the sermon for one of these verses? What’s the most obscure Bible passage you’ve ever heard a sermon on?

Happy Memorial Day!

Our national day of remembrance for our fallen soldiers and their families begins the summer season of civic holidays and three day weekends. There are lots of ways of celebrating our long lazy days off work, and it can be difficult to squeeze everything in unless you know what you’re doing. Here’s a few places, events and ways to celebrate you need to get ready for this summer:

honey-do: noun: A menial task asked of a husband by his wife, which initially seems small, inconsequential, and well within in his skill level, but invariably turns into a massively frustrating project entirely outside his skill level, leaving the entire three-day weekend obliterated. “Honey, would you do one small thing for me…”

garage sale: noun: The activity of placing one’s garbage in neat organized piles in front of the house, sans garbage bags, creating a cardboard sign to alert others to the presence of one’s garbage, and then charging neighbors money to haul garbage away. Garage sale season officially begins on Memorial Day. “Thank you for cleaning out the basement, honey. Wow! Looks like it’s time for a garage sale!”

church: noun: Repository of garbage that failed to sell in local garage sales. “No one wanted to pay a quarter for a box of old exercise videos.” “Just take it to the church. They can use it for youth group or crafts or something.”

rummage sale: noun: an event that happens when a church accumulates enough unsold garage sale donations. “Let’s go to the rummage sale. We’ve got room for a few things in the house since we donated that old sofa to the church.”

drinking: verb: An activity involving cheap beer deemed appropriate for enhancing any number of indistinguishable civil holidays including but not limited to: Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, New Year’s Day, Columbus Day, Boxing Day, Chinese New Year, etc. “Hey dude, sorry I wasn’t at church, we were up drinking all Fourth of July.”

Flag Day: noun: A holiday with no discernable purpose, except to fill the painful month long dry spell between Memorial Day and the Fourth of July with an apparently much needed excuse to drink cheap beer. “Are you stocking up on Bud Light or something? Fourth of July isn’t for two weeks.” “Dude! It’s Flag Day! Are you some kind of communist?”

cookout: noun: a pastime which is endowed with a particularly high level of masculinity, but whose masculinity drops with every vegetable or non-beef item involved. “Sweetie, I know the doctor told you to watch your cholesterol, so I made you a salad.” “Oh, thanks, but I just remembered we haven’t had a cookout all week! How about a steak?”

“The Lake:” noun: Any generic, crowded and littered body of water where suburban families go to spend an entire three day weekend having ‘family fun.’ “Sorry we missed the church rummage sale, Reverend. We were at The Lake.”

Vacation Bible School: noun: Any weeklong church sponsored activity put on by church members who are bafflingly unaware of the presence of “The Lake” or other suitable means to avoid volunteering, and who work under the delusion that attending children will somehow convince their parents to start coming to church at the close of the week. “This year’s Vacation Bible School theme is Boomerang Express! Won’t that be fun?”

amusement park: noun: A destination for parents who, blinded by their desire to give their kids “everything they didn’t have,” temporarily forget that their children are 5 years old, and will somehow not enjoy waiting 45 minutes at a time for rides in the hot sun while eating greasy funnel cake. “Hey kids, do you want to meet Mickey? Let’s go to the amusement park!”

patriotism: noun: The sixty seconds before a baseball game when everyone pauses, places their hands over their hearts and reflects regretfully on the five dollars they just spent on a sno cone. “Son, stand up and show some patriotism. You’re lucky we live in a country where I have the freedom to make foolish impulse purchases like this.”

educational: adjective: Any parental-mandated civil holiday activity intended to leave kids with a deeper appreciation for their country and freedoms, but usually results in deeper resentment for their country and parents. “Hey, you coming to the lake with my family?” “No, my idiot mom is making us go to a stupid museum about some dead soldiers. She says it will be ‘educational.’ If we didn’t have so many freedoms, I’d have more free time, because I wouldn’t be spending it learning about all my freedoms!”

Personally, I’m spending Memorial Day on number one, but we’re squeezing in just two cookouts today too! What about you?