These Seeds Must be Defective

August 10, 2009 — Leave a comment

“Sure, maybe you can’t see the fruits of your labor, but you’re planting seeds.”

I never believed that when people said it to me. I always thought people use the parable of the seeds to make themselves feel better when they feel a little like failures. You essentially say, “I know I’m doing God’s work, it’s just that the ‘dirt’ is so lousy, these gospel seeds won’t grow!”

I was a youth pastor for a few years, and for some reason, a lot of kids would invite their “unchurched” friends. And, for some reason, the unchurched kids actually came to youth group! It was pretty cool. But it was also tough to know if I was making a difference at all with the kids.

I learned a few things being the pastor to unchurched kids.

It’s really hard to get their parents to show up.
I had this big dream that I’d help the church grow by growing the youth group. I believe it can be done, but it’s very, very hard. Imagine the perspective of a non-church going parent.

1. Billy’s friend invites him to his house. “Fine, go, get out of my house. Pick up a six-pack on your way home, Billy.”

2. Billy’s friend invites him to youth group and his parents offer to drive them. “Great! Maybe that church can teach him some morals. Pick up a six-pack on your way home, Wesley.”

3. Billy starts really getting into youth group, and his friend keeps taking him. “Sweet! Two hours of scheduled alone time each week!”

4. Billy wants to start going to church on Sunday. “…Is your friend taking you?”

I was joking at first about the ‘six-pack’ line, then had a flashback and remembered that it really wasn’t too far from the truth in some cases. But even in great families (which most were), it’s one thing for a parent to support a kid in a hobby. It’s another for a parent to be interested in the hobby himself. And for the parent to give up two hours a week to entertain the child’s hobby? Forget it. Because that’s how many of them see church: a hobby.

I was amazed at how many parents let their kids come to my youth group, letting other parents take them, and never bothering to meet me, or even know where the church was. They actually trusted me more than some of the church parents! That’s where my dreams met reality.

When the group became more non-church-going kids than members’ kids, and I feared many of them were only there for the girls, I had an idea. I told the kids that the one requirement of youth group was to go to church – somewhere…once a month. It seemed like a reasonable step for those who were serious about Jesus. Only one kid was mad at me. Others looked hopeful…but didn’t return once their parents found out. I found out where a lot of hearts were at. I’m not sure if that was a mistake, but I grew pretty lax about the rule when new kids showed up after that episode.

Your time with the kids is limited.
Another tough pill to swallow, but it was a consistent experience of mine. Then again, maybe I’m just a failure. Each kid, if their parents aren’t bringing them to church, will eventually drop youth group from their schedule. You may have some for several months or a year or more. You may see their parents happily drop them off each week into your care, if you’re lucky. But one day, without the active interest of their parents sustaining them, they will move on. It is impossible for any teacher or pastor to fight the tide of what’s going on at home.

I think it’s because after some time, even the kids whose parents politely take them to youth group, silently wonder why their own parents are too good for God. If Mom and Dad don’t see the wisdom in going to church, maybe it’s not really worthwhile. Kids are prone to quitting anything and everything without parental support, and youth group is no different.

I should know – I was the King of Quitters, and fought my parents to quit everything I could. I’m sure glad they won a few arguments.

What to do? I just went to youth group each week as if it was the last time I would ever see the kids, and talked to them about Jesus as hard as I could. Then we’d have a lot of fun and play ‘capture the flag’ with wet mops.

Yes, you are planting seeds.
You may not want to believe that, having realized that you just waved good-bye to another teenager for the last time. But it’s true. You may not be able to fight the tide of what happens in a teenager’s home…except for in the innermost parts of their hearts. They may not understand your words until they rediscover them, tucked away in their minds years later.

I just got the first payoff of this sort ever. I was contacted via Facebook by one of my long-lost teenagers, ready to go to college. I think it took a lot for her to break the ice and start a conversation. It sure made my day. Maybe there is hope for the future! And maybe I’m not such a failure.

Anyone got any stories of seeing your little seedlings growing where you didn’t expect?

Don’t miss the announcement post below. Just a treat for everyone who wants it.

In church, ministry
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Ten People Who Will Kill Your Church: Part Three

August 7, 2009 — 1 Comment

Finally, the post that’s been three weeks in the making!

Last Friday and the Friday before, I introduced you to 7 people who can help kill your church, and had a hand in killing mine. Today, the list is completed. The grand finale!

Our church dies.

Ten People Who Will Kill Your Church: 8-10

The Monster in the Closet
Monsters are everywhere, hiding in plain sight, like the one you thought was in your closet as a child. Churches can be perfect places to hide, because Christians are trusting, forgiving, and sometimes just oblivious.

My mother called me as I was walking around downtown Kansas City. She had become suspicious of a member who joined six months prior. Everything seemed normal to the unobservant person. He was a doctor; he was smart and friendly. But there were some…quirks. So she Googled his name.

The guy was infamous. He had lost his license in 26 states. Dateline had run an undercover story on him. I won’t even tell you what he was involved in, it’s too grotesque. It’s probably not what you first think. And we had been harboring him.

I believe what I blurted out to my mother was this:

“Of all the churches, how the hell does this guy find ours?”

She concurred.

Churches of all sizes are great for a monster to hide in. And once they’re found out, it can easily lead to a split. Doesn’t matter how you handle it, people will leave. Don’t be oblivious. Every employer does background checks, looks at internet profiles. At least do yourself the service of Googling someone’s name before you let them become members, so they can confess their sins and get it out of the way.

Three years after we threw him out (according to Paul’s standard of church discipline for unrepentant sinners), he’s bankrupt, divorced, and in jail. So, yeah…we were right.

The Denomination
Ah, you either love them or hate them. I’ve got nothing against denominations. But if you don’t have a stomach for politics in your local church, I don’t suggest getting too involved in your denomination.

Our situation was unique. We started an independent church, then we were ‘adopted’ by an association. It doesn’t matter which one it was, so I won’t mention it. From the beginning, we got the feeling that the denominational leadership was not on the same page as we were. We joined a group of people who didn’t fit our vision. We could overlook that though, because one thing did fit our vision:

Money.

Ah, the promise of a big fat bankroll. It was so much easier to build that building with a big organization paying for it! It was a strained relationship, greased by cash. However, that decision would haunt us.

When our Monster was outed, the denominational leadership was frightened by the prospect of a lawsuit from the Monster himself (who had a litigious reputation.) At the same time, our Usurper had found herself elected to some position of leadership in the denomination (and considered the Monster a friend, which figures.) A grand old church trial was put on, with our Usurper pulling the strings from backstage. The judgement was made that our church had acted wrongly in dismissing our Monster from our membership. Attempts were made at revoking the Pastor’s credentials, which didn’t succeed, but the damage was done.

You probably won’t encounter that situation. But be very particular about what sort of friends you allow your church to make. You may find yourself tied to an albatross, not a golden goose.

Three years after this incident, the state denomination is bankrupt due to a financial scandal…so, yeah…we were vindicated on that one too.

The Pastor
At this point, you might be shaking your heads, saying to yourself, “What was this pastor thinking?”

A lot of bad decisions were made, yes. And he takes his share of the responsibility. But consider this:

Our church began to die when the pastor was no longer free to be the pastor. That happened when the Usurper began running the committee, and the other laypeople were unprepared fight her. Christians can, surprisingly, be reluctant to fight sometimes. The most successful churches often have committees to keep the pastor accountable, but they are heavily guarded against Usurpers, and are led strongly by the pastor.

Also, once this much bad stuff starts happening, almost any pastor’s mental health and leadership will suffer. You can only be attacked so many times before you start living up to the problems you’re blamed for.

One decision that was not clouded by mental fatigue was his committment to God when our Monster was uncovered. He promised God he’d do the right thing, to stand up to an unrepantant victimizer, no matter what the cost. It ended up costing friends, reputations, health, money, jobs, years of work, and a church.

Sometimes, doing the right thing just sucks.

Epilogue
In a few years, we had gone from a vibrant little church in a house, to an absolutely miserable place. We were attacked repeatedly. We bought more than one bill of goods. We uncovered a terror, and were run over by our denomination and our own former members. Members and friends left without a word, run off by the constant problems. Our building felt empty. We were mentally and spiritually exhausted.

We looked back at the years we had spent together and realized that we had the time of our lives worshipping in the little house, before we had a building, before this story had even begun, being a church on a journey.

So we walked out of our church building after worship for the last time with nothing left to lose, and an invitation was given to the remnant that was left.

“Whoever wants to show up next Sunday, we’ll have church at our house.”

Best decision ever.

So in a stroke of irony, the founding pastor really was the one to pull the trigger and put the church out of its misery. We called the new church Levi’s House – from the story of Jesus eating with the sinners at the home of the tax collector, Levi (Matthew). Not everyone came. Another third of the group turned away to ‘real’ churches in buildings. That’s how most Americans react to house churches. Doesn’t matter. We’re having the time of our lives. I don’t know how long it will last, how long God will let us do this. But it’s a great thing that most Americans won’t ever experience.

God is good, all the time.

In church, pastors
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The Most Interesting Church in the World

August 5, 2009 — Leave a comment

Have you seen this product?
Apparently, promises of cleanliness and not smelling like stale pungent sweat are no longer sufficient selling points for soap. No, people today want more from their hygiene products. Not a whole lot more, just a touch of something more…

I want to know how long the Nivea scientists worked to isolate the formula for happiness. It turns out, it’s orange and bamboo…the same “ingredients” in about twenty other soaps and shampoos. My skepti-sense is tingling…

Does anyone really expect to find happiness in their soap? Did Herbal Essences shampoo ever live up to what it was selling you? Even once, did time seem to stand still as you floated on air and cried out in sheer delightful ecstasy for everyone to hear…while you washed your hair? That’s what I thought.

But it’s not enough for soap to just be soap. It has to promise something more, because every soapmaker knows that the $8.00 bottle is the same as the $2.00 bottle.

I’ve noticed the same thing happening to restaurants. Lots of joints are advertising new foods, which is good. But they’re foods that don’t have any place in the restaurant they’re being served in! Backyard Burger near my house was advertising on their marquee some new salad with fruits and nuts and other healthy stuff. Nowhere did the sign mention the salad having a double cheeseburger with waffle fries on it, which seems to defeat the purpose of a salad to me.

I know they want to seem like healthy places to eat, but no one goes to a burger joint to be healthy! No one thinks, “I think I’ll go to that burger joint…I hear they have a fabulous spinach salad with cranberries and walnuts!” Such a thought would border dangerously on self-respect, which is about the furthest thing from my mind when I enter a Hardee’s.

And one of the worst is the church. We can’t just be church. We can’t just provide Jesus and a place to belong. We have to make promises about happiness and money and sex and relationships and health and all the other promises that we can’t keep.

I think Dos Equis has one of the best ad campaigns right now – featuring the most interesting man in the world. Even more than all the awesome stuff he does, I love how neutral he is to the product he’s supposed to be endorsing. Any other beer commercial would say you should drink beer all the time – and it should be this beer. This guy is realistic. Of course, he doesn’t drink beer all the time. And when he does, it’s not always this one. But chances are, it is Dos Equis…if he thinks about it.

Not to mention he’s a great hero. He’s not the strongest or smartest. He has a superpower that is completely subjective, yet somehow everyone agrees – he is the most interesting!

I miss the days when commercials just told you what their stupid product did. It won’t change your life. It won’t make you popular with the ladies. It will make you smell good. It will drive and not break. It will sweep your floor. It’s beer; it won’t change your life, but you might like it. That’s what this commercial says.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but I’m going to suggest our churches take a page from a beer commercial. I think the church could stand to take a step back too in our push to ‘market’ ourselves the same way the world does. We have a lot to offer people. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ, union with God, and a community of imperfect but loving people to belong to. But a lot of people won’t go for it, just like most people won’t like Dos Equis. For those people, we don’t really have anything to offer them, and we should stop pretending.

It would be pretty cool if a church took a literal page from Dos Equis and could actually hire the most interesting man in the world. I think he’d really resonate with most twice-a-year Christians! “I don’t always go to church. But when I do, I prefer Christianity.”

It’d be even sweeter if you got Jesus himself to endorse your own church and portrayed him as the most interesting man in the world. We see him changing water into wine, riding a donkey, feeding a crowd. Then we see him sitting in a fellowship hall, a styrofoam cup of coffee in front of him. And he leans in and says in his gravely voice that when he goes to church, he prefers First Methodist. Awesome.
Advertising is a huge part of our culture, so we might as well use it, but use it wisely. Most commercials are junk, which just makes the good ones stand out. Anyone seen any really good ones lately? Not just the ones that churches can spoof like the ‘Apple vs. PC,’ but any really clever spots?
Stay churchy, my friends.
In church, fun
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A Few More Commandments

August 3, 2009 — 1 Comment

The Ten Commandments are irrelevant.

Well, not all of them. But some of them are grossly outdated. That’s the result of a survey done in the UK by game publisher Electronic Arts. I think a bunch of people were anticipating a big stink here among the Christian right in the US over this survey. But since I only heard about this a couple of weeks ago, it must mean we don’t pay much attention to anything the British do.

But it really makes Charlton Heston mad.

The survey was done as part of a media campaign for The Sims 3. I don’t know what the 10 commandments have to do with sims other than it’s considered a ‘god-game.’ Here’s the basic breakdown of the survey:

1,000 people 11 years old and up were surveyed.

A quarter of those surveyed couldn’t name one commandment from memory.

Six of the commandments were deemed still relevant today and ranked according to importance: 1. Do not kill. 2. Do not steal. 3. Do not cheat on your partner with another person. 4. Do not envy others. 5. Respect your parents. 6. Do not accuse a person of something they did not do.

Four commandments were deemed irrelevant: Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy; Thou shalt have no other gods before me; Thou shalt not make any graven image; Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain.

Four entries were made up and voted on by respondents to update the commandments for today’s society: 7. Respect all people regardless of race, religion or sexuality. 8. Do not commit acts of terrorism. 9. Respect and protect the planet. 10. Do not be motivated by greed.

A quarter of respondents didn’t understand the wording of some of the original commandments…which would explain why two of the new commandments are totally redundant with the originals. How is terrorism not murder? How is greed not coveting? And really, what’s the point of making commandments against terrorism? Good job, there.

Terrorist 1: “Ah man, hey you guys, I just realized something. Yeah, it turns out that God doesn’t really want us killing masses of people. Yeah, instead, we should be celebrating our differences. Come on everyone, let’s sing together!”

Terrorist 2: “But, you just wanted to terrorize a bunch of people, like, 15 seconds ago.”

Terrorist 1: “Yeah, but that was before I read this new updated Bible. Come on guys, let’s sing a song!”

On the upside, most people said if they could be God, they would be benevolent. Only about 4 jerks said they’d be a jerk God.

Personally, I don’t find anything offensive about the survey. I think EA did us a favor by doing this survey, because it’s a telling sign of the state of traditional Judeo-Christian morals. Did you notice two of those new commandments use the word ‘respect?’ People sure like that word these days. But the Brits are going to wish they had a commandment against ‘graven images’ when Charles is king and orders his likeness be put on all their money.

It might be helpful if we really did help God update the Ten Commandments. But respecting the planet? Kind of goes without saying, right…right? If we were to put words in God’s mouth, we should do it with some real, relevant, important commands to rid society of some of its worst blights.

The Ten Commandments: A Suggestion Box

Thou shalt not say ‘let there be light’ in an amusing way whenever you flip on a light switch. That is the Lord’s intellectual property, and saying that is the same as pirating a DVD.

Thou shalt not respond to your husband when it is obvious something is wrong and he shows he cares by asking ‘what’s wrong’ with the answer of, “Oh, nothing…”

Thou shalt not refer to celebrity couples by mashing their names together in a revolting manner.

Thou shalt not say the word ‘irregardless.’ It is an abomination in the Lord’s sight.

If thou art a rapper, thou shalt not thank God whenever a shiny award is given. Everyone knows God didn’t help you.

Thou shalt always give 110%. That way it never needs to be said again.

Thou shalt not construct a bathroom with a mirror that forces you to look at yourself while using the toilet.

Thou shalt be properly trained by your world-wise children before using the self-checkout lane on your own and holding everyone up.

If thou art a celebrity, thou shalt keep your mouth shut about any and all topics of public interest including religion, politics, or the environment, because no one believe that you are sincere or are intelligent enough to form a genuine opinion about such issues.

Thou shalt stop cramming YouTube with videos of your friends imitating Saturday Night Live sketches.

Thou shalt not return to community college at age 60 and believe yourself to have a special connection with the teacher because of your agedness which justifies you in subjecting everyone else to your excessive and stupid questions which you believe shows you really care about classes on Medieval cartography methods.

I think the world would be a much better place if we could etch these in stone. What commandments would you add to the ten classics?

In fun, religion
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Ten People Who Will Kill Your Church: Part Two

July 31, 2009 — Leave a comment

Last Friday, I posted the first installment of ten people who contributed to the death of my church. The countdown began with three people who really turned out to be the least of our problems, only breaking our spirits enough to prepare us for the real problems ahead…

This week, our problems build for the final showdown!

Last week got tons of feedback, all of which I welcome. There were positive comments and praise, along with people calling me a bent-out-of-shape malcontent, armchair quarterbacks pointing out how much we sucked at being a church, and those who said I had no business criticizing other Christians.

So, with no further ado, let’s see what you have to say today:

Ten People Who Will Kill Your Church: 4-7

The Hijacker
Picture the perfect church visitor. He walks in, eager to meet people. He’s enthusiastic about your little church and wants to participate. He even has skills to contribute to your worship service! He seems mature and willing to serve.

Nothing makes a little church wet its pants faster than new visitors. And if the visitor actually wants to contribute? Let’s get you a nametag right now, new member!

Our hijacker fancied himself a musician. Like many, his skills did not match his ego. Strike one.
He was seminary trained, but not a minister. Strike two.
His family just couldn’t find a church like the one back home. Strike three.

He had designs on us. We were small and thus malleable enough, that he would’ve made short work of molding us into his image. He had the controlling personality of a minister but a weak stomach for the responsibility. And he was bent on recreating us into that blessed church he so missed.

For the love of everything holy, no matter how good a visitor looks, make them sit down and shut up for six months before you let them do anything beyond bringing cookies. Fortunately, our hijacker aborted his mission when a message from God told him there was a church down the street that needed him even more.

The Snake Oil Salesman
Pastor: “I think we need to expand our influence on our community beyond Sundays and Wednesdays…”

Elder: “I agree, we should do something. We need to look more important than those Baptists down the street. But how?”

Deacon: “We don’t use our building more than twice a week. How do we put it to good use?

Enter: Snake Oil Salesman: “Friends, I couldn’t help noticing your empty building and monitoring your conversation from the bushes outside. The name’s Lanley. Lyle Lanley. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest… Aw, it’s not for you. It’s more of a First Baptist idea.”

Pastor: “Now just a minute. We’re twice as smart as those Baptists. Just tell us your idea, and we’ll vote for it.”

Snake Oil Salesman: “Okay, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. You’ve got a building I want. I’ve got people you want. You open your building five nights a week to my non-church related community group. Why, I guarantee that this building itself will make strangers automatically convert and join your congregation! And it will cost you practically nothing, though we can’t pay you anything. It’s win-win!”

From the time you start a church, there will be people who want to use the church, the people, and the money for non-church purposes. And you will want to give in because it might make your church important to people who don’t go to church. Fact: anything the church sponsors that doesn’t directly relate to worship or missions will cost more than you think and probably yield almost nothing.

The Usurper
Every hero needs a villain. If you’re a pastor, you’re Batman. And your villain probably won’t be likable or charming like Catwoman…unless she’s that Catwoman that came out a few years ago, because that was the worst.

It will be the Usurper’s job to love the church more than anything else…and hate the pastor more than anything else. In fact, the Usurper will love the one and dislike the other so much, she’ll want the pastor’s job! Sure, she may not have seminary training, leadership skills, basic hygiene, or even a calling to the ministry. But an undying lust for power is enough qualification to run a church.

You may find a Usurper already in the woodwork when you get hired at a church. If you’re starting a church, your Usurper will play nice until she gets her grubby paws on some seemingly insignificant responsibility. Once that happens, the gloves are off, as she tries to influence every aspect of the church, hoping people will begin to think her indispensible.

Our Usurper became pivotal once all the pawns were in place for her to make the perfect play…

Everyone in your church may be ‘Christians,’ but that doesn’t mean a Christian can’t be an enemy who God will take away if you pray hard enough. Enemies who at think they’re saved fight to the bitter end.

The League of Rebels
Even the strongest villain needs an army of darkness, and it’s likely that your Usurper won’t be alone. Where you find one bug in the house, there’s bound to be more.

If you don’t take care of your Usurper right away, you’ll find she’s spawned, like a giant disgusting termite queen birthing tons of hungry little worker-Usurpers, all tearing down, causing disunity. They’ll be everywhere, sowing seeds of dissent against the pastor for any reason, real or imagined. Because when people are fighting for the church they love, it’s not just a fight, it’s a holy war.

Now we’re having fun! Next week, all the pieces are in place for our church’s exciting conclusion! How will it all turn out? Share your stories if you’ve got them!

In church, pastors
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A Content Complainer

July 29, 2009 — Leave a comment

There’s a bunch of houses for sale in my neighborhood. A couple of them are actually getting sold. Normally, this is the time of year that people sell their houses and move into bigger, better houses. I’ve always heard this phrase from people who are moving that they just ‘outgrew’ their old place, and need to move up.

I always got a sneaking suspicion when I helped people move that what they meant to say was that all the unnecessary, useless crap they never use outgrew their home, and they need to purchase a bigger junk/human storage facility.

This year, since people aren’t moving, they have to stave off the urge to move by having extra big garage sales. There is an incredible surplus of Bowflex laundry organization systems for sale.

Of course, no one’s really downsizing if everyone in the neighborhood is buying each others’ old stuff.

Summer is also the time (besides New Year’s, and right after eating at Denny’s) for people to look at themselves in disgust and try to improve how they look, right after regretfully selling their Bowflex laundry systems. A bunch of people in my neighborhood are trying this new fad called “jogging.” I believe it’s jogging or “yogging.” it might be a soft j. I’m not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It’s supposed to be wild.

I’ve been going back to the gym. Not because I care about being able to lift heavy things. No part of my everyday life requires me to lift various denominations of steel weights. I go there because I don’t really like how I look, and I think if I put myself through enough pain, I will look better. I don’t even really enjoy the gym. It’s all vanity.

It’s funny how it’s so hard to just find contentment. No matter what people have, they aren’t happy. Doesn’t matter if you’re overweight or skinny and lanky like me, no one’s just happy with how they look. It’s hard to be content with our jobs, our churches, our possessions, ourselves.

And I’m the worst.

I think one of the few benefits of the economy we’re in is that people may take a little break from the rat race. Rather than looking for a bigger house, people empty out their own home and fix it up a little bit. Rather than buying the next best thing, people stay content with the stuff they have a wee bit longer.

Where is the quest for “better” justified, and where is it better to be content? People should be content in their marriages, or their churches. But that contentment also includes fighting the good fight for better churches and marriages, constantly reforming.

I think I come across to some readers as a complainer, as someone who isn’t happy with anything, and wants to ruin everything for everyone. The truth is that though I struggle with my own unmet ambitions and discontentment with myself, in reality my life is very worthy of contentment and happiness, and I’m a pretty positive guy.

However, there are plenty of things out there that are not worthy of contentment. And one of the things I love most, the church, is fraught with them. The church is full of frightening and funny things that Christ did not intend. So I like to think I write as one unimportant soldier fighting his little part in the good fight for something worth fighting for, warning about and laughing at the stuff that deserves it.

Some people don’t like complainers. They prefer that everyone just be positive at times, no matter what becuase it’s a mark of spirituality…or it’s just easier. Sometimes, I feel the same way, because I’m actually an easy going guy who likes to be an eternal optimist and doesn’t like being brought down by a Buzz Killington.

But complaining has led to a lot of good things, like the Reformation and Counter-Reformation, or the end of slavery or America itself! (Along with a bunch of other places.) Discontent with the status quo has its place. So Christians are kind of stuck with both, contentment and complaining, both in their rightful places!

I have loads of contentment in my wife. But our marriage is a work in progress.
My contentment is in Christ. But His church is a work in progress.

What do you fight for? What’s still a work in progress in your life? What do you find contentment in?

In faith
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