Some of you Christians may be a dying breed.

I’ve predicted to myself that traditional denominations are on their way out.  A few days ago I was given some proof that I am indeed right, as is usually the case.  As of today, 6 to 12 million people attend house churches.  As a house church pastor, I find that really interesting and pretty cool.  On the other hand, just 1 percent of Americans call themselves Presbyterians, which makes their numbers around 3 1/2 million.  In short, the Presbyterian churches are having their butts handed to them.

With few exceptions, it seems like the long standing denominations continue to be on the outs, while new forms of church are way in, and it got me thinking about a few things.

This Isn’t a Defeat or a Victory.

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Anne Rice beat me to the punch.

First of all, I know that everyone is blogging about Anne Rice.  I promise that I will say something that has not been said by anyone else.  The committee who makes the rules of Christian blogging told us that we had to comment on this story.

Anne Rice is an author who’s sold about a hundred million vampire books, and up until recently, she was known as a Christian.  If you haven’t read what she posted concerning her faith, here it is:

“For those who care, and I understand if you don’t: Today I quit being a Christian. I’m out. I remain committed to Christ as always but not to being “Christian” or to being part of Christianity. It’s simply impossible for me to “belong” to this quarrelsome, hostile, disputatious, and deservedly infamous group. For ten years, I’ve tried. I’ve failed. I’m an outsider. My conscience will allow nothing else.

As I said below, I quit being a Christian. I’m out. In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life. In the name of Christ, I quit Christianity and being Christian. Amen.”

Like I said, Anne beat me to the punch, but I’ve got three reactions to Anne…

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Jesus really knew how to put butts in the seats. 

Ever since Jesus left, leaving behind essentially no instructions to his disciples about how they were to make disciples, people have been trying to recreate that one of a kind Jesus showtime magic that attracted people to him.  If Jesus wanted to stay in the tabloids, he knew how to do it, stirring up controversy with the right people, or just trashing a temple here and there.  If he was in a more positive mood, he’d just feed a few thousand people, or take a hike across a lake.

And because no one since Jesus has been able to pull off any of those crowd pleasers, preachers have been endlessly trying to recapture the same ability to get people to come to church, with varying results.  If a pastor isn’t a bonified healer, things can get kind of sideshowy, and fast.  I’ve seen a couple of these events.  I attended a church that held a “Blessing of the Animals” day.  People brought their pets and the pastor sprinkled them with not quite holy water (it was an Episcopal church.)  I was in a church when a motorcycle roared up the aisle onto the stage for some meaningless non sequitor. 

But it’s only the truly special people who come up with great spectacles to trick people into showing up. 

Let’s take a look back, shall we, on some of the church’s more memorable gimmicks.

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I sometimes feel like a twenty-seven year old boy.

Last Friday, I shared with you all the things I’ve ever wanted to do with my life.  I’ve taken a few detours since high school.  Nothing exciting, like having a stint in dealing drugs or being a tough-as-nails biker-gang-member-turned-bounty-hunter-with-a-mullet-and-a-TV-show.  No one’s going to make a TV special about my life.  I’ve tried narrating my life, in the grocery store or while driving, but it only tempts me to spice up my day by swerving recklessly through traffic, or knocking all the cereal boxes off the shelf, like I’m in a getaway scene in a movie…a movie that takes place in a grocery store.

Most of us haven’t made those kinds of detours.  We didn’t drive our lives off a bridge.  In fact, for most of us, every turn we made, seemed like the right one at the time.  Yet, after ten years, things still aren’t quite the way we’d want them to be.

That’s what’s really frustrating. 

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Some people think God might have a slight mental disorder.  Maybe a touch of dual personalities…maybe.

I was having a very deep and intellectual conversation with a good friend recently, which does tend to happen when you are with me, and we are playing Mario Kart, and I am winning, which is always.  Hey, being better than my friends at things is just my muse.  That’s why I don’t play basketball with my friends.  I don’t feel like bestowing knowledge and wisdom on them after getting whipped at “horse.”

Anyway, the question at hand was why God seems to have a massive personality disorder.  Why does he seem like an angry, abusive, possibly-intoxicated-on-human-blood God in the Old Testament, and like a Care Bear in the New Testament.  This is a question that a lot of people seem to struggle with, and one that I’ve pondered over a lot, but until that night, I don’t think I had come up with any good answers.

However, since I was beating him particularly badly at Mario Kart, the answers I came up with were particularly good.  That’s just how God works with me.  I think there’s a verse about that…“Yea, when thee thrashes thy friend with green shells and banana peels, knowest that I am pleased with thee.”

Anyway, here’s what I came up with.

Four Reasons God May Not Be Schitzophrenic

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Last week, I talked about four not-so-great choices Christians have when it comes to sharing their faith.

Lo and behold, I realized I left something off the list.  That’s highly unusual, by my count.  And no one called me on it!  Luckily, it’s big enough to warrant a blog post unto itself.

You see, when Christians can’t find the words to share Jesus, a much easier method of evangelism is available.  All you have to do is become a walking billboard. 

Many Christians love to “express” their faith by spending their money on lots of holy Jesus themed bling blang.  I call it “Christian Crap Evangelism.”  Just cover yourself with as much Jesus memorabilia as possible, and no one within fifty feet will even have to come near you in order to know they’ll want to avoid you.

It’s weird.  Lots of people love to wear slogans on their shirts.  Some people do it so we’ll know they shop at some overpriced store.  But I’ve never seen someone’s t-shirt slogan and then went to Banana Republic, or Hard Rock Cafe, nor have I ever believed that life is good because of a t-shirt.  I wonder how many people have given Jesus a chance because of a proudly worn Christian shirt.

I’ve been in that boat before.  I’ve got a couple of Christian shirts in my closet.  But the easy marketing of Jesus with lame parodies and slogans officially makes this a not-so-great tool for evangelism.

Behold Jesus, in all his capitalistic glory…

Six Poorly Thought Out Christian Clothing Products

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