Want to win some cool, free stuff?

Well that’s just what you can do today! Today is the first official Church of No People Contest-For-People-Who-Like-Free-Stuff! I should get a job naming contests.

What can you win?

1. I like recommending books no one has read. So two people will get the best book you’ve never read. I’m giving away two copies of A Genuine Faith: Following Jesus in the 21st century. This book takes each of the four gospels and sums up what following Jesus looks like to all four authors. It was written by Rodney Reeves, a brilliant and godly man who I had the pleasure of learning from in college. Seriously, this guy’s eyes well up when he starts talking about Jesus. And he’s for real. You will enjoy this book.

2. If you’re not the ‘reading’ type, surely you’re the ‘eating’ type. One person will get a gift card for thirty bucks at Chick-Fil-A, everyone’s favorite Christian chicken sandwich! That’s enough for a family of four, or a couple to go on TWO romantic dates, or one guy with no friends to just totally gorge himself, and wonder why he has no friends.

3. And one lucky person will get a one-of-a-kind Church of No People T-Shirt! Seriously, if you win this, you and I will be the only ones to have this. I’m not making these available to everyone for a while. I’ll even up the ante: I couldn’t think of a sweet ‘ironic slogan’ for the shirt, so if you win, I’ll print whatever you want it to say! It could say “Talk churchy to me,” or, “Only awesome people allowed,” or whatever you want. It will truly be one-of-a-kind!

How do I enter?

Easy. Just comment on this post, or email me at thechurchofnopeople@gmail.com. You now have one chance to win one prize!

Bonus Points: There are a few ways to gain more than one chance at a prize:

1. If you’ve got a blog, or a Facebook profile, tell your followers about this giveaway and provide a link. Make sure I know you did that so you get credit.

2. If you’re on Twitter, tweet this message:

@MattTCoNP is having a free giveaway contest! Free food, shirts, or books could be yours! http://bit.ly/y7pNP

3. Last, you get a bonus entry for coming up with any T-shirt slogan for this blog. Doesn’t even have to be good. Just give it a try.

So, one could wind up with five chances to win any of the prizes! How awesome is that?

Why am I doing this?

1. Because I am very kind and benevolent, and I gaze with compassion upon my blog readers.

2. Because my blog readers are awesome, so this is to thank you for loyally reading and commenting.

3. Because this is, admittedly, the blog version of “pack a pew” Sunday. Just like any church that has a shameless self-promotion Sunday, the only reason people do it is for the great prizes to be had! So I’m not all that ashamed of my shamelessness. And I suspect you like free things enough to not really care either.

If I get positive response, you might be blessed with another giveaway! Now I just need to find more authors whose books need to be given away…

The contest winners will be announced Friday, August 21st!

Thanks to you, the ‘Ten People Who Will Kill Your Church’ were the most visited and talked about posts ever on this blog…which means something like 50 people read them! Woo! It was really great to see so many people share the gritty reality of church leadership and for all the struggling church members to see that you’re not alone.

There were lots of awesome comments. One of the best points was that all of us can help kill a church. Right you are! There are so many traps to fall into. Even by doing nothing, a complacent audience will let a problem fester until it tears the whole thing down.

Some asked me to do a follow up post, ‘People Who Won’t Kill Your Church.’ Sort of like a church ‘dream team.’

That was hard to think up because a dream team doesn’t exist.

Well, it does exist…as a dream. But most (99.99999%) of us will never land that dream team. That, and every church has different needs. My dream team won’t be your dream team.

Still, there are some people you really really need in every church.

Five People Who Won’t Kill Your Church
(And May Just Keep It Alive)

Plumbers: Everyone likes to talk leadership. We have books and conferences and classes and keynotes on the glories of leading. Here’s all you need to know about leaders: You don’t need lots of leaders. They aren’t on this list. Leaders are dangerous…because they know they’re leaders. You need plumbers, and lots of them. Why?

Because churches are full of crap.

That statement works on so many levels. There’s the crap that has to be done for a church to run, and there’s the crap that everyone brings with them to church, and both have to be taken care of. If you want real leaders, look for guys doing jobs around the church that no one wants to do. How about the guy who’s unclogging the toilet? (figuratively or literally) That’s your man, the guy who gets stuff done for others. If you want to be a leader, start fixing toilets.

There’s your leadership seminar. That’ll be $300.

Cheerleaders: Not the kind with pom-poms and short skirts…well, maybe. Pastors don’t need ‘yes men.’ They need people who can keep them accountable, gently. They need people who can tell them when an idea is really bad, nicely. And outside of that, they need to make the pastor, and everyone else feel really good about being at church. Occasional criticism is easier to swallow when there’s positive attitudes everywhere. J-E-S-U-S! C-H-R-I-S-T!! Goooo JESUS!

Cooks: I mean people who can ‘feed’ themselves, and others in a spiritual way. The excuse for leaving a church, “I’m just not being fed here,” is usually a cop-out, like a chick breaking up with a dude by saying, “It’s not you, it’s me,” or, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” Really? You’re not being fed? Is the pastor supposed to make airplane noises as he brings that baby spoon to your mouth? Let me ask who have you helped feed lately? When was the last time you tried to feed yourself? Some pastors are lousy preachers. But in many cases, I suspect that adults would just rather act like a bunch of diaper babies.

Bouncers: Did you notice how many people came into our church from the outside and did their damage? Now, I’m not talking about making people feel un-welcome at church. But, just like a show, you get the stamp on your hand and you act cool, or you’re going to get 86ed by a big bald guy. That doesn’t make people feel unwelcome, it makes everyone feel safe! Everyone needs to be aggressively protective of the church they steward, because clowns are everywhere. You don’t even have to shave your head…but it might help.

Pastors: These are your leaders, and the church works really well when no one else is trying to be the pastor. Pastors lead by example in ministry, by getting their hands dirty, even by unclogging toilets. He’s the master plumber, the lead cheerleader, the head chef, and the big bouncer. He’s not doing all the work, he’s just leading everyone else in their work, ministering to each other. If the pastor does this, and nothing else, he probably won’t kill his church.

Yeah, I didn’t include God or The Bible, or Ninjas because we all know they’re on the list.

Hey, I don’t know if your church needs a bass guitarist, or a powerpoint guy, or a minister of frosted hair, or anyone else. Not every church needs them, and no matter how awesome your church is, it will probably always want to add a new teammate. So the group you have will never be perfect or have all the skills you’d wish for.

But if everyone is playing one or more of those five roles, you’re doing all right. And if nothing else, you’ll probably prevent most church killers from doing much damage. If you’re lacking any of them, you’ll probably be really hurting.

What do you see as being your role in your church? Are you the big bald guy, or the one with the pom-poms, or something else I haven’t even thought of?

If you haven’t checked out Matthew Paul Turner‘s blog this week, you should, and not just because he shares my name. He’s been doing a great series on Christian sex ethics. I mean, he’s really tearing it up. His series reminded me of a topic I’d been planning to write about, and this seemed like a good time…

When my wife and I went to Arkansas recently, we visited the bath houses in the town of Hot Springs. Everything in that town is centered on the water.

But back when people thought spring water could really cure diseases? Wow, that was the town’s heyday. We visited one of the bathhouses that was preserved as a museum, and were struck by how much public nudity was involved at these places. Places actually advertised nude sunbathing among their attractions. It was a whole nude-a-rama. It seemed distinctly European, right there in the middle of the Bible belt! It’s not like that today. I think that’s funny that though there’s so much less “modesty” today, here’s an example of us taking a step back towards “modesty.”

In fact, while I imagine the average European spends half of his day letting it all hang out, in all his smarmy, hairy, gold necklacey glory, Americans can’t seem to decide what we think is “modest.”

Today, it’s pretty rare to find a “gang” shower at a gym, the way they were when I was a kid. Most places have stalls now. Not that I’m complaining about missing out on sweaty showers with a bunch of naked guys. No sir. At Boy Scout camp, they used to have them (not anymore), but most kids, having never been in one, didn’t know how to act. So we wore our swimsuits like a bunch of chumps. Then there was always one kid who’d wear his swimsuit the whole 10 days. Yikes.

I’m young enough to have grown up in the era of the tankini, but there was no taboo about ‘mixed bathing’ when I was a kid. But then again, we were Methodists, so there you go. But some of you might remember when swimming at the YMCA was nude, though not mixed. Weird. I think the reason was “streamlining.” Though it seems like even the ridiculous “Speedo” would make everything more streamlined than just being naked.

Feb 1, 2004: the date our nation lost it’s innocence, the day everyone was scarred for life…by the appearance of a breast on TV. Yes, it was a stupid stunt to begin with, and no one wanted to see that. But it didn’t scar us more than it set back the discussion of what is “modesty.” We can’t even decide if breastfeeding in public is appropriate. Which says to me, we equate body parts with sex [read: shame,] even when the context is non-sexual.

I’ve read more than one story of men or women arrested when a neighbor saw them naked while the offenders were in their own home. And while I don’t want to see my naked neighbors, it is their home, so that’s a tough one. Apparently, we really don’t like the human body. But we’re also having to enforce tighter dress codes at school to coerce our daughters to cover more than 51% of their bodies; while boys don’t even like to wear pants, except around their ankles.

Then, there’s tribal people who are almost completely naked. And by our wardrobe-malfunction mentality, with everything they have flip-flopping around, they must be having orgies all the time…but they aren’t. Just gets me wondering if it’s not the bodies we’re obsessed with, but the clothing and the ‘tease’ we create with revealing clothing. Either that, or it’s just too dang hot for sex in the jungle, even if everyone is just wearing gourds and coconuts.

And while American kids are vehemently shielded from all forms of nudity, they’ll still see naked adults, pretty much by the time they’re six years old. The adults are just in magazines. And that’s kids’ only context for nudity.

It’s a weird relationship we’ve got with our bodies. We’ve got movies with more nudity than ever, kids dressing like skanks, and other cultures acting like clothes are no big deal. Meanwhile, porn sales are sky high (which illustrates that we do indeed like nudity, just not our nudity,) as we become a culture of “never-nudes.” Maybe we should start wearing cut-off jeans under our clothes so we never have to be naked, since we can’t really decide if there is such a thing as appropriate, non-sexual nudity. Nudity is either: A) gross; B) funny; C) offensive; or D) sexual, and therefore “all of the above.”

I’m certainly not advocating we start going around naked like a bunch of tribals, or women whipping ‘em out whenever and wherever baby wants them. Because as totally awesome as that sounds on paper, reality would be a big disappointment.

“My eyes! The goggles do nothing!”

It would be weird to us, but I don’t think it would be sexual.

Here’s the questions:

Does nudity always = sex, or have we just made it that way?
Does the Bible prescribe what is modesty for all cultures? Is American modesty the most godly?
Do we sexualize bodies with our clothing more than if we were just plain naked?
Are Europeans gross, and should they cover up when Americans visit?

Considering most of you didn’t like the thought of heaven being a nudist colony, this should be interesting.

“Sure, maybe you can’t see the fruits of your labor, but you’re planting seeds.”

I never believed that when people said it to me. I always thought people use the parable of the seeds to make themselves feel better when they feel a little like failures. You essentially say, “I know I’m doing God’s work, it’s just that the ‘dirt’ is so lousy, these gospel seeds won’t grow!”

I was a youth pastor for a few years, and for some reason, a lot of kids would invite their “unchurched” friends. And, for some reason, the unchurched kids actually came to youth group! It was pretty cool. But it was also tough to know if I was making a difference at all with the kids.

I learned a few things being the pastor to unchurched kids.

It’s really hard to get their parents to show up.
I had this big dream that I’d help the church grow by growing the youth group. I believe it can be done, but it’s very, very hard. Imagine the perspective of a non-church going parent.

1. Billy’s friend invites him to his house. “Fine, go, get out of my house. Pick up a six-pack on your way home, Billy.”

2. Billy’s friend invites him to youth group and his parents offer to drive them. “Great! Maybe that church can teach him some morals. Pick up a six-pack on your way home, Wesley.”

3. Billy starts really getting into youth group, and his friend keeps taking him. “Sweet! Two hours of scheduled alone time each week!”

4. Billy wants to start going to church on Sunday. “…Is your friend taking you?”

I was joking at first about the ‘six-pack’ line, then had a flashback and remembered that it really wasn’t too far from the truth in some cases. But even in great families (which most were), it’s one thing for a parent to support a kid in a hobby. It’s another for a parent to be interested in the hobby himself. And for the parent to give up two hours a week to entertain the child’s hobby? Forget it. Because that’s how many of them see church: a hobby.

I was amazed at how many parents let their kids come to my youth group, letting other parents take them, and never bothering to meet me, or even know where the church was. They actually trusted me more than some of the church parents! That’s where my dreams met reality.

When the group became more non-church-going kids than members’ kids, and I feared many of them were only there for the girls, I had an idea. I told the kids that the one requirement of youth group was to go to church – somewhere…once a month. It seemed like a reasonable step for those who were serious about Jesus. Only one kid was mad at me. Others looked hopeful…but didn’t return once their parents found out. I found out where a lot of hearts were at. I’m not sure if that was a mistake, but I grew pretty lax about the rule when new kids showed up after that episode.

Your time with the kids is limited.
Another tough pill to swallow, but it was a consistent experience of mine. Then again, maybe I’m just a failure. Each kid, if their parents aren’t bringing them to church, will eventually drop youth group from their schedule. You may have some for several months or a year or more. You may see their parents happily drop them off each week into your care, if you’re lucky. But one day, without the active interest of their parents sustaining them, they will move on. It is impossible for any teacher or pastor to fight the tide of what’s going on at home.

I think it’s because after some time, even the kids whose parents politely take them to youth group, silently wonder why their own parents are too good for God. If Mom and Dad don’t see the wisdom in going to church, maybe it’s not really worthwhile. Kids are prone to quitting anything and everything without parental support, and youth group is no different.

I should know – I was the King of Quitters, and fought my parents to quit everything I could. I’m sure glad they won a few arguments.

What to do? I just went to youth group each week as if it was the last time I would ever see the kids, and talked to them about Jesus as hard as I could. Then we’d have a lot of fun and play ‘capture the flag’ with wet mops.

Yes, you are planting seeds.
You may not want to believe that, having realized that you just waved good-bye to another teenager for the last time. But it’s true. You may not be able to fight the tide of what happens in a teenager’s home…except for in the innermost parts of their hearts. They may not understand your words until they rediscover them, tucked away in their minds years later.

I just got the first payoff of this sort ever. I was contacted via Facebook by one of my long-lost teenagers, ready to go to college. I think it took a lot for her to break the ice and start a conversation. It sure made my day. Maybe there is hope for the future! And maybe I’m not such a failure.

Anyone got any stories of seeing your little seedlings growing where you didn’t expect?

Don’t miss the announcement post below. Just a treat for everyone who wants it.

Finally, the post that’s been three weeks in the making!

Last Friday and the Friday before, I introduced you to 7 people who can help kill your church, and had a hand in killing mine. Today, the list is completed. The grand finale!

Our church dies.

Ten People Who Will Kill Your Church: 8-10

The Monster in the Closet
Monsters are everywhere, hiding in plain sight, like the one you thought was in your closet as a child. Churches can be perfect places to hide, because Christians are trusting, forgiving, and sometimes just oblivious.

My mother called me as I was walking around downtown Kansas City. She had become suspicious of a member who joined six months prior. Everything seemed normal to the unobservant person. He was a doctor; he was smart and friendly. But there were some…quirks. So she Googled his name.

The guy was infamous. He had lost his license in 26 states. Dateline had run an undercover story on him. I won’t even tell you what he was involved in, it’s too grotesque. It’s probably not what you first think. And we had been harboring him.

I believe what I blurted out to my mother was this:

“Of all the churches, how the hell does this guy find ours?”

She concurred.

Churches of all sizes are great for a monster to hide in. And once they’re found out, it can easily lead to a split. Doesn’t matter how you handle it, people will leave. Don’t be oblivious. Every employer does background checks, looks at internet profiles. At least do yourself the service of Googling someone’s name before you let them become members, so they can confess their sins and get it out of the way.

Three years after we threw him out (according to Paul’s standard of church discipline for unrepentant sinners), he’s bankrupt, divorced, and in jail. So, yeah…we were right.

The Denomination
Ah, you either love them or hate them. I’ve got nothing against denominations. But if you don’t have a stomach for politics in your local church, I don’t suggest getting too involved in your denomination.

Our situation was unique. We started an independent church, then we were ‘adopted’ by an association. It doesn’t matter which one it was, so I won’t mention it. From the beginning, we got the feeling that the denominational leadership was not on the same page as we were. We joined a group of people who didn’t fit our vision. We could overlook that though, because one thing did fit our vision:

Money.

Ah, the promise of a big fat bankroll. It was so much easier to build that building with a big organization paying for it! It was a strained relationship, greased by cash. However, that decision would haunt us.

When our Monster was outed, the denominational leadership was frightened by the prospect of a lawsuit from the Monster himself (who had a litigious reputation.) At the same time, our Usurper had found herself elected to some position of leadership in the denomination (and considered the Monster a friend, which figures.) A grand old church trial was put on, with our Usurper pulling the strings from backstage. The judgement was made that our church had acted wrongly in dismissing our Monster from our membership. Attempts were made at revoking the Pastor’s credentials, which didn’t succeed, but the damage was done.

You probably won’t encounter that situation. But be very particular about what sort of friends you allow your church to make. You may find yourself tied to an albatross, not a golden goose.

Three years after this incident, the state denomination is bankrupt due to a financial scandal…so, yeah…we were vindicated on that one too.

The Pastor
At this point, you might be shaking your heads, saying to yourself, “What was this pastor thinking?”

A lot of bad decisions were made, yes. And he takes his share of the responsibility. But consider this:

Our church began to die when the pastor was no longer free to be the pastor. That happened when the Usurper began running the committee, and the other laypeople were unprepared fight her. Christians can, surprisingly, be reluctant to fight sometimes. The most successful churches often have committees to keep the pastor accountable, but they are heavily guarded against Usurpers, and are led strongly by the pastor.

Also, once this much bad stuff starts happening, almost any pastor’s mental health and leadership will suffer. You can only be attacked so many times before you start living up to the problems you’re blamed for.

One decision that was not clouded by mental fatigue was his committment to God when our Monster was uncovered. He promised God he’d do the right thing, to stand up to an unrepantant victimizer, no matter what the cost. It ended up costing friends, reputations, health, money, jobs, years of work, and a church.

Sometimes, doing the right thing just sucks.

Epilogue
In a few years, we had gone from a vibrant little church in a house, to an absolutely miserable place. We were attacked repeatedly. We bought more than one bill of goods. We uncovered a terror, and were run over by our denomination and our own former members. Members and friends left without a word, run off by the constant problems. Our building felt empty. We were mentally and spiritually exhausted.

We looked back at the years we had spent together and realized that we had the time of our lives worshipping in the little house, before we had a building, before this story had even begun, being a church on a journey.

So we walked out of our church building after worship for the last time with nothing left to lose, and an invitation was given to the remnant that was left.

“Whoever wants to show up next Sunday, we’ll have church at our house.”

Best decision ever.

So in a stroke of irony, the founding pastor really was the one to pull the trigger and put the church out of its misery. We called the new church Levi’s House – from the story of Jesus eating with the sinners at the home of the tax collector, Levi (Matthew). Not everyone came. Another third of the group turned away to ‘real’ churches in buildings. That’s how most Americans react to house churches. Doesn’t matter. We’re having the time of our lives. I don’t know how long it will last, how long God will let us do this. But it’s a great thing that most Americans won’t ever experience.

God is good, all the time.