Hey everyone! Time for another interview with a great blogger. Today, I’m talking to Bryan Allain, who I met last fall at Catalyst. It was pretty magical. We were both at the Bloggers Meetup, and wouldn’t you know it, we both forgot out SWAG bags. So we both had something to talk about right there, and he turned out to be a really cool guy. I’m feeling pretty inspired to write a romantic comedy about the whole thing.

Anyway, Bryan’s got a ton of stuff to talk about on his blog. He loves Jack Bauer, has a passion for hating cliche’ phrases, and lives among Amish people. So I’m really happy to talk to this guy.
First off, tell us about yourself. Who is Bryan Allain?
I was born and raised in New England, but I’ve been living among the Amish in Lancaster County, PA with my wife Erica for over ten years now. We’ve got two kids Kylie (8) and Parker (7). I’ve got a degree in Chemical Engineering and work in the Pharmaceutical Industry, but my passion is communicating through writing and speaking. I’m 33 years old, a huge sports fan, a big nerd, and someone who desperately wants you to think I’m smart and funny.

I think the words “Chemical Engineer” convinced me you must be smart…or funny. I’m not sure which.


You’ve been blogging for quite a long time. What got you started?
I started blogging back in 2001 before I had ever heard the term ‘blog’ when I ran a website for my favorite band, Caedmon’s Call. My personal blog has been around since 2002, though I didn’t always update it as frequently as I do now. I started blogging for the same reason most people do: I felt like I had a unique take on life and I wanted a place to share it.

I started blogging, because I saw a bunch of angsty teenagers on Xanga talking about their dramatic breakups, and it inspired me…to do the exact opposite.
As for a favorite blog post, I’d probably say my Best of the Ramblings, since it incorporates a few of the funnier things I’ve written over the last eight years.

Is Bryan Allain a stage name you thought up for your blog? It has a nice ring to it.
No, it’s definitely not a stage name. If it was it would be the worst stage name ever. For starters, people are always spelling my first name with an ‘i’, which has bothered me since I got my first trophy in 4th grade (for playing trumpet).

Never got the trumpet trophy, but I have plenty of “participation” ribbons to my name.
And for some reason people have a hard time pronouncing my last name. I get “allen”, “eelaine”, and even “alien”. For the record, it’s pronounced ‘uh-lane’, as in “I drove down a lane”.

If I ever do decide to go with a stage name, I’ll probably use Writer McGee.

“Uh-Lane?” I’m not seeing it. Are you sure it’s not supposed to be “Olla-in?” If I came up with a stage name, I’d probably go with “Max Power.”

Who do you find to be the funniest people, or the best kind of humor?
I think the funniest things, and the funniest people, in life are always full of truth. If someone is manufacturing situations or circumstances to try and make a joke, it’s usually not going to make me laugh. We love Seinfeld episodes because these are real reactions to situations. I also like Jim Gaffigan, Simon Rich, Jon Acuff, Tyler Stanton, and Susan Isaacs for the same reason. I’m never thinking to myself “is this real?” or “why does this feel like a stretch?” Their stuff is believable and ridiculous at the same time.

You’re also in the process of attempting to get a book published. Is trying to write and publish a book as fun as everyone says it is?
The book is a memoir that covers my life from 4th grade through college. The working title right now is The Mercy Rules: Finding Faith, Hope, and Love in the Strikeouts of a Little League Life and features every embarrassing story from my youth that I could think of and a few of the lessons I learned along the way.

That’s a pretty amazing title. Maybe I can help you come up with an even longer title, and you could just continue it on the inside flap…
Writing a book is hard, and I’m only halfway there. You have to go in realizing that there’s no guarantee what you’re creating is going to be any good. You just have to trust that there’s a reason you feel compelled to do this and that everyone who has told you they enjoy your writing wasn’t being paid off by your mom.

I don’t think I would call it “fun” but I can tell you that the mornings when I know I’m going to write are the morning I have no problem getting out of bed. There’s a satisfaction I find in it that is deeper and more rewarding than plain old “fun.”

With two of your favorite posts being about Jack Bauer, it seems you’re a fan of the show, and have impeccible taste. Of all the seasons, which character were you most relieved to see get the axe? Which character death saddened you the most?
I don’t believe anyone has ever died on 24. Even if their body was cut up into pieces, run through a meat grinder, and dumped at sea, there’s still a chance they can resurface next season. That being said, I was very sad when Edgar died. Unlike most people on that show, he seemed worthy of living a long, terrorist-free life.

He did die right? Or was he the one who ran off with Jack’s daughter and got caught in a radioactive cougar trap that was on a minefield in a mexican prison?

Poor pudgy lispy Edgar’s death was the worst day of my life. I was looking forward to “Rudy” getting axed, but then he died a hero (a real, non-tiny-football-player hero) and made me respect him…a little.

Are you friends with any other bloggers we might know?
I love how I didn’t even have to try and sneak my namedropping into this interview, you just asked me for it. Derek Webb and Cliff Young are friends who don’t blog, but I love name dropping them. Matthew Paul Turner and I once spoke for 7 uninterrupted minutes at a blogger meet-up. Jason Boyett and I have never met, but he’s on my Christmas Card list. Donald Miller is a friend of mine who blogs, as is Susan Isaacs. Jon Acuff and I had a great time hanging out together for 2 days at Catalyst. And I’ve stayed at Tyler Stanton’s house, so we’re basically almost best friends.

Your namedropping skillz are impressive. I have literally met five bloggers in person, including you, and I don’t feel worthy to send anyone Christmas cards. Missouri isn’t exactly People-You-Want-To-Namedrop-Central. Maybe if I hosted a giant blogger slumber party at my house…
Do all these connections make me as cool as these people? I wish. Go read their blogs and get to know them. I’m lucky to call them friends.

Your business card points out that you only tan your arms. While most of us can’t really pull off the “farmer tan,” how do you achieve such desirable results?
Oh believe me, I try to avoid it. My friend Katy took pictures of me for some cards I had created, and I couldn’t get over how dark my arms looked compared to my neck in the one photo. Instead of trying to hide it, I decided to make fun of myself…

Avoid? Make fun? No, you’re arms are impressive and manly!
Speaking of impressive arms, what preacher would you most like to arm wrestle?
Arm wrestling is terrible for your joints. That’s what I always tell people who want to arm wrestle me. And let’s face it, there’s nothing fun about arm wrestling. It’s a miserable game.

If you want to arm wrestle me, clearly all you want to know is “Am I stronger than Bryan?” Well how about I save us both the stress fracture and we just say that you are? Would that make you feel better? Yeah, I thought so.

All that being said, I know I would totally get owned by Joyce Meyer.

For more from the well-tanned, but puny weak-jointed arms of Bryan Alien, go to his blog Bryan Allain.

Ever been dumped?

I dated my first girlfriend in high school.  Yes, we dated, the way old-fashioned teenagers used to.  Picture soda fountains and holding hands and poodle skirts…except it was nothing like that because it was the 90s.

She dumped me.  It hurt.  It kind of seemed like she kind of enjoyed dumping me.  After that, I had to find out if dumping people was as fun as it looked. So when the time was right, I dumped my next girlfriend.  Not really fun, as it had seemed, but definately better than being on the recieving end.  Most people break up the same way.  There’s usually some grievances aired and a lot of drama and of course, hurt feelings.

Breaking up is hard to do. 

Have you ever been dumped by a Christian?  What I mean is, have you ever been on the recieving end of a friend who’s formally, publicly giving up her faith?  I’ve been there a few times.  Actually, my wife and I and our friends have suddenly been getting dumped a lot lately.  It’s pretty tough to handle, a lot like a high school sweetheart telling you they’re in love someone other guy who’s a total weiner. 

It’s almost like you’re being dumped on behalf of Jesus. 

It’s different than watching those friends who just slowly grow apart from Jesus.  This is a cataclysmic event that seals the deal.  It’s over.  You’ll feel blindsided.  They’ll try to explain how it happened.  It’s usually just as dramatic as getting dumped by your sweetie.  Accusations are thrown around about truth and love and hypocrisy, and it’s a big awkward mess.  Jesus and I have heard a lot of break-up lines. 

See if you can guess which lines I’ve been dumped with, and which ones I’ve heard Jesus get dumped with…

“I’ve just fallen out of love.”

“I don’t feel like you’re really there.”

“The more I find out about you, the less I like.”

“You just aren’t who I thought you were.”

“I realized I’ve kind of been faking it, just going through the motions.”

“I just feel like I’ve grown up and I can’t relate to you anymore.”

“I just can’t love someone who would let that happen.”

“All of your friends are hypocrites.”

“It’s like I talk and I talk, and I can’t get through to you.”

“I don’t like your beard.”

“I hope we can still be friends.”

Yes, there are a lot of reasons to break up with me or Jesus.  However it goes down, it’s not easy to listen to a friend break up with Jesus.  It always feels like a personal attack, and their reasons for breaking up never seem that good to you.  Sure, Jesus has his quirks, but he’s a good guy, and I personally cannot picture what it would take to get me to leave him behind.  Then again, I can’t imagine why any girl would want to dump me either…

And what do you do afterward?  It is really hard to stay friends after you and Jesus have been dumped.  There’s a bond that Christians share that has been broken.

How do you recover?  Does the whole event make you question your own faith, or does it make you even more resolved as you withstand the onslaught of doubt?  I’m personally the type to lick my wounds when dumped by getting defensive and pointing fingers.  But they always bring up issues I have to deal with in my own mind eventually.

It seems hard for me to talk to Jesus right away right after we’ve been dumped.  It’s hard for us to decide who’s to blame. 

But soon, in your confused little emotional mind, you try to hatch a plan to win them back.  I thought I’d try to win back that girl who dumped me.  But it turned out she had actually found someone else before she made it official with me.  Jesus finds that to be the case most of the time with him too.  They’re always dabbling…

So how do you handle it – that really un-fun conversation when they tell you things have changed, they’re leaving Jesus behind?  What was their reason for the break-up?  Have you been able to woo your now non-Christian friend back?  Have you been able to remain friends? Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

If there’s one thing a lot of Christians in America like to fight for, it’s the “right to life.”

I think we’ve got a good thing going with this “Doubt Month” thing.  You’ve all given me so many great comments and so much to work with.  I think I’m going to enjoy this!

Anyway, I don’t know how it is in other countries, but the “right to life” is definately a hill to die on here.  It’s in our Declaration of Independence that everyone is given by God the right to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” 

Yes, many people love defending the rights of innocent life, and I do too.  I’m not a banner waving protestor, but I’ve stood up for my share of fetuses.  It seems the right to life topic is one of the few things the Catholics have one-upped some of the Fundamentalists on.  Some Fundamentalist is out there protesting at an abortion clinic…

Fundamentalist:  “All life is sacred!  God’s judgement is on you!  You’re going to hell, murderer!”

Catholic:  “You make a good point.  Life is sacred.  In fact, it seems to me that life is so sacred, married people shouldn’t be using contraceptives.”

Fundamentalist:  “Woah, slow down!  Let’s not go crazy there.”

Here’s the thing.  I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m kind of doubting there is such a thing as a “right to life.”

Hear me out, now.  It’s not quite what you’re thinking…

One of the big problems people have with the Bible is how nice God seems in the New Testament, but how mean and nasty He seems in the Old Testament.  God seems all fire and brimstone before Jesus comes along, and then we assume God got saved, and took care of some of His anger issues, learned the five love languages, and became Mr. Nice-God.  I’ve thought that way a long time.

Let’s face it.  God sanctioned a lot of war in the Old Testament.  War is bad, especially when it comes at the cost of innocent life.  So God has a seedy past.  If He showed up in church, He’d have an awesome testimony of getting saved!  Everyone likes a story of a hardened drug dealer or a prostitute or a deity who comes to Jesus.

But I started doubting this.  God didn’t really change between the Old and New Testaments.  The Old Testament is much more full of “love” and “peace” then we give it credit for, and the New Testament is much more full of “hell” and “judgement” then we care for.  God doesn’t have a chemical imbalance; He’s the same God.

Second, and even bigger, is that word “innocent” that we like to attach to things.  When someone gets murdered, we’re outraged because we say they were “innocent.”

So you can see, if you think all the people that Israel warred against and killed were “innocent,” (i.e. not sacrificing babies to their gods, and whatnot,) you’re going to have a tough time with God.  If you think they had a “right to life,” you’re going to think God is a pretty mean dude…maybe even un-American.

Remember that story where Abraham begged God to not destroy Sodom and Gomorrah?  God was all too willing to spare the cities if only a handful of “innocent” people could be found.  (This was in the Old Testment, mind you.)  Turns out, there weren’t any.  Besides that, when we point the finger of shame at God and the Israelites, we tend to forget all the times God let other armies come in and kill His own people, because they had been naughty.

So if you think people are generally good and deserving and “innocent,” you’ve kind of got a problem.  It’s even possible that this whole notion of a “right to life” could be a stumbling block.  Sure, we’re commanded not to murder each other, but when it comes to God, well, I don’t think we really have any rights…

…which just makes it all the more amazing that He keeps any of us around at all! 

For the record, I think God’s mercy and justice extends far beyond what we can imagine.  Who’s to say what He did with all those people Joshua killed while conquering the Promised Land?  Not me.

How do you deal with that rather messy Old Testament?  Is it a problem for you?  I can’t say I like it, but that’s how I see it.  What other problems with the Bible or God’s personality do you have?

Hey everyone, I’m guest blogging today at Stuff Christians Like, so come join me there!

What did I write about for SCL this time?  A while back, I got to meet someone who’s a blogging hero to a lot of us, and the author of SCL, Jon Acuff and, yes, I wrote all about it.  You can see us posing together in the totally authentic, non-photoshopped photo on the left. 

If you’re visiting from SCL, welcome!  You can subscribe or connect with me on Facebook or Twitter using the buttons at the top.  I’ll even send you some free loot if you want!  You can navigate my content on the right, peruse some of my favorite posts, or leave me a comment right here so I can come visit your blog.  If you’re really desperate for reading, you can click the picture of me which will take you to the obligatory “About” page.  Fun times!

Thanks for reading!

Did you know there are “factual errors” in your Bible?

That’s what Dr. Bart Ehrman says, author of “Jesus Interrupted.”  His book is all about the completely random, human circumstances that formed the Bible we know today.

While I was perusing the bookstore this week, I spent some time with the book.  It seemed like a good idea, this being unofficially “Doubt Month” here at the blog.  I especially concentrated on the last chapter, titled “Is Faith Possible.”

What surprised me was his account of becoming an agnostic (not an atheist.)  He actually said that nothing in the whole book was new information to him, or to the “academic” world, and none of it had to do with his loss of faith.  He felt disenchanted with the Bible long ago, but his becoming an agnostic boiled down to one thing…

Evil: pain, suffering, injustice, bad stuff.

This certainly intelligent guy lost his faith over the same worn out stumbling block that has tripped thousands of minds before his.  How could a perfectly loving God allow all the suffering and evil and pain in the world we see?  Answer: there is no perfectly loving God.

That got me thinking.  How do I justify it?  How do I look at our crappy world, supposedly the very evidence of our wonderful Creator, and actually give Him credit and praise for it?  I’ve struggled with that before.  Maybe you’ve struggled with the same thing.  Maybe it’s caused you to have doubts or a crisis of faith.

Well I finally used my brilliant mind and came up with a couple of responses that I hope are helpful, if you are struggling with this. 

First, I’d ask Bart, “Can I call you Bart?”  Then if he said yes, I’d say, “Bart, as a fellow human being and steward of this world, how much suffering and evil and pain have you allowed to exist in this world?  How have you acted to ease the strife of your fellow man?  How much of the proceeds of your book are going to save the people that God refuses to?”

Really, why is it on God to solve my every problem?  We assume if something’s wrong, someone else should take care of it.  And if you can’t find someone to help you, the government should fix it.  And if the government is too far in debt to handle it, then God should solve it.  That’s what we pay Him 2.5% of our paychecks every Sunday to do!

On the flip side, think about this: the last century saw the rise of more humanitarian organizations than at any other time in history.  There is more human power (and just as important,) more money available to allieviate suffering in the world than ever before.  If you’re one to give God credit for moving human hearts and checkbooks, it sounds like God’s been working his holy butt off, thank you.

Second, I’d say, “Bart, while you’re pondering that first question, let me buy you another beer because I can tell you’ve had a hard day.  Now think about this.  It’s obvious that God allows evil and pain and suffering.  He even allowed Himself to be affected by it.  If he is so good, then it would seem He suffers everyday for His creation.  But isn’t it quite obvious that although God allows suffering, it is people who cause the most suffering?”

Seriously, if we were keeping score on who causes suffering in the world, we’d have the lead on God by, like, a million points.  When it comes to causing pain, God’s so 2000-and-late.

Okay, so God creates a category 5 hurricane, which we called Katrina.  That’s pretty big, and God would be responsible for that storm and the suffering it caused.  As it turns out, humans were only responsible for everything else.  It was human laziness, greed, and outright stupidity that insufficiently built the city below sea level and ignored the scientifically proven need for more water pumps.  It was human idiocy that made such an inept response after the storm.  And it was human arrogance that caused all those people to stay in their homes and watch the weather forecasters tell them what was going to happen days in advance.

Kind of makes the hurricane itself seem like not that big of a deal.  In fact, when we talked about hurricane Katrina in the days afterward, we didn’t blame God.  We blamed George W. Bush (even though we should’ve been blaming the Mayor of Crybaby Town, Ray Nagin.)

The more I’ve studied human history (which has been a lot), the more I’ve realized that we have no one but ourselves to blame.  And yes, God allows us to do it all to ourselves, because He hopes one day, we’ll choose better.  Seems kind of naive and idealistic of an all-knowing God, I know.  But maybe He knows something I don’t.  In the meantime, I think He plans to bring justice to the people who got the short end when He sorts it all out.

The real “problem of evil” is that God hasn’t acted as we would in His place.  If I were God, if I had the power to control everyone, I’d do it.  I’d make sure the humans were put in their place and there would be hell to pay if they screwed up.  Isn’t that what most anyone tries to do when they find themselves “in charge?”  That’s just not God’s game.
Well that’s just me.  My answers may not be enough for you.  What do you think?  I’d be happy to continue this conversation, so let’s go.  Have you ever struggled with the “problem of evil?”  How have you dealt with it?  Are you still struggling with it?

We’re going to have something super fun on Friday.  You won’t want to miss it.  I met a blog hero of mine a while ago, and you’ll get to read all about it.  I’m giddy with anticipation!

Maybe you’ve noticed that some people like to complain, question others, be skeptics, play devil’s advocate, or just be a know-it-all. 

I of course never do any of these things.  I’m Mr. Nice Guy.

But hey, doing those things can be a great way to fill the time at work, at home, family reunions, just about any place.  Just quietly questions someone’s job skills, qualifications, parenting habits, clothing, hygiene, alcoholism, or anything else, and someone is bound to join you.  And if you have two or three others who agree, you suddenly have a self-sustaining chemical fusion of whining that will fuel itself for hours.  Really, what’s better than everyone agreeing that a chimp in a necktie could do a better job than your boss?

But I’ve noticed something.  Somehow, even though complaining, debating, doubting, and questioning is such a popular activity, Christians suddenly get pretty uncomfortable when it turns to issues of faith or the church.

So a coworker can be politely questioning the company strategy, and I’m cool, but as soon as he starts harping on the church, I get all tense.  Like it’s a personal attack on me.

Or some friend makes a snide remark about his doubts that a man really got swallowed by a big fish, and I feel like I have to raise the war cry and defend the Bible with my life.

Yes, I’m a Christian, and I’m usually right.  So it feels like a personal attack on my honor when someone doesn’t quite see things the way I do.  It’s almost like they attacked my political party!  It’s even worse when the complainer is another Christian.  Suddenly, I’m praying for her very soul because I’m not so sure she’s as strong a Christian as I once thought.

Sure, I’ve got lots of different things about the church I question, doubt, or complain about.  But it’s okay coming from me.  I know I’m a Christian.

I’m going to start 2010 off with a bang.  I’ll be scattering a few posts over the next couple of weeks on “Doubt.”  It’ll be all about my skeptical side, the things I’m supposed to believe if I just had strong enough faith.  You can participate too.  Then by the end, we’ll all be wondering if anyone else is going to heaven but ourselves.  But we’ll all come back in for a group hug, and it’ll all be good.

Let’s air the dirty laundry – the doubts, the questions.  The things that, if you asked in church, you would be kindly escorted out.

I’ll start.  But before I do, I need to clarify.

Because already, some of you are preparing your comment, chastising me for placing stumbling blocks in front of “weaker” Christians.  Well that’s not what this is for.  In fact, you can help us out with that!  When you comment, just tell us if you consider yourself a “strong” Christian, a “doubting” Christian, or a non-Christian.  Or, you can address someone’s doubts if you have a good answer.

Okay, here we go.

I have serious doubts about faith healing.

I say this knowing that some of you believe strongly in faith healing.  Well I’ve never been in a church that emphasized it.  I’m not a conduit of faith healing.  I’ve never seen it in person.  I’m a cynic and a skeptic when it comes to such things.  I visited a church where a woman gave a testimony that she was healed of cancer.  Well, hallelujah, but I still thought that perhaps some chemo might’ve had something to do with it.

Another woman testified that she had a leg shortened three inches by surgery, and God healed that.  Like, He made her leg grow three inches…overnight.

That one was too much for me.  I scowled and said, “Yeah right,” under my breath.  I did that right in church; doubted a woman, a sister in Christ, who was standing right in front of me. 

Sure, I believe God could do that, healed through Christ, and probably does it on the rarest of occasions in our time.  I just don’t believe He’s doing it as much as people say He is.  It’s one of those things I’ve been soured on.  It’s been so abused by televangelists, that I can’t even believe an ordinary Christian who testifies to my face that she was healed divinely.

I still love Jesus.  I just wonder if God is really putting a premium on giving us medical miracles as signs to prove Himself these days.  Or maybe I’m a weak-spirited, cynically scientific modern American who just needs to pray more.

Okay, I did it.  What about you?  What’s your doubt?  What’s a doubt that you had, but was resolved?  Or, do you have an answer to my doubt on medical miracles?  Maybe I’ll be buried in testimonials of healed people.  If you’ve been healed, bring it on!