Commence government sanctioned expressions of love for your life partners.  T-minus six days.

I think the last time I really enjoyed Valentine’s Day was in grade school, when I exchanged mandatory cards with the other children in my classroom and ate candy.  Those were the days.

Later, I started to dislike Valentine’s Day because in high school, no one was forced to give me a card.  Also, while a bunch of high school tool factories with frosted hair were recklessly spending their minimum wages on their girlfriends, it reminded me that I had no girlfriend on which to splurge fifteen dollars.

Then I got a girlfriend, and finally got to experience the real “magic” of Valentine’s Day: silently wondering how a girl could honestly be so entertained by flowers or a stuffed animal.  Seriously, flowers don’t do anything.  Please ladies, tell me what it is you love about having dead plants in your house?

Westerners aren’t the only ones with some sort of Valentine’s Day.  A few years ago, Russia had a national “procreation” day.  Didn’t have quite the same ring to it as Valentine’s Day.  I think they got the idea from “1984.”  Some people are really into Valentine’s Day.  I sometimes try to point out the absurdity of a national ”love” holiday, but they always counter with some mush about how for people in love, ”every day should be Valentine’s Day.”

Well maybe you’re right.  Every day should be full of romance and love.  So I’ll be blogging for a couple of weeks on a bunch of embarassingly lovey-dovey topics that will make everyone want to throw up, and I’m kicking it off right here.  I’m going to help you with a handy checklist to keep your Valentine’s Day (and your whole year of romance) aflame.

Four Steps to a Year of Valentine’s Days

Express Your Love through Cards
If you think everyday should be Valentine’s Day, then stock up right now on 365 romantic greeting cards.  In fact, start expressing your feelings exclusively through Hallmark greeting cards (so they know you care enough to give the very best.)  You could get some funny ones, some mushy ones, some with…money slots.  The cards with no words inside are perfect for the days your…feelings are so extreme, they can’t be expressed in words.

Give New Underwear
Every Valentine’s Day, men shell out all kinds of cash for lacy, stringy devices called “lingerie” which will be worn for a grand total of ten minutes (and has the weirdest spelling since “hoisery”).  Now, most men won’t be able to raise the funds for a daily gift from Victoria’s Secret, but that doesn’t mean you can’t give your lady something to help her feel attractive all year long.  So while you’re at the greeting card store, head on over to TJ Maxx and pick up their year’s-supply, econo-sized ”Big-Box-o-Brassieres.”  With a large variety of designs such as “striped” or “not striped,” quality stitching, and long lasting elastic waistbands, you’ll be sure to keep the flames lit all year long.  Ladies, if you’re looking for something to give to your man, a pair of nice new socks every day is sure to rev up his engine.  Vroom!

Eat a Lot of Candy
Well, chances are eating rubbish every day is probably the one thing all of us are doing.  So congratulations, you’re probably already one fourth of the way to being a hopeless romantic.  So the next time your mate asks you if you really need to be eating all that chocolate, just tell them you’re doing it because you love them.  Plus, if you keep around a year’s supply of candy hearts, you’ll never have heartburn again.

Do “It”
Sometimes, pastors run out of things to talk about from the Bible.  When this happens, a great way to fill time, and generate buzz is to challenge everyone in church to get funky for a month straight. 

Men are supposed to be stoked because, obviously sex is a man’s only need and the only area they ever feel neglected.  Wives are supposed to be pumped because the pastor is challenging them to do it, so it must be a good thing, and not being pumped would mean they are being sinful, non-submissive wives.  Marriage and family counseling is all well and good, but nothing says a pastor knows what he’s talking about like 30 days of mandatory hardcore marital relations does.

Eventually, the month ends, and a few couples were actually able to follow through.  They say things like “it was the best 30 days of our lives!”  That always gets mixed reactions from everyone.  People are shocked.  Then they’re envious.  Then everyone looks at their partner like, “Well, we tried.”  Then everyone concludes that those two must be a couple of freaks, and there’s no way they could’ve enjoyed it, because 1.5 times a week is the way God intended it to be.  It’s kind of amazing to think about the way priorities would have to change for this to become the norm among married people.  Well, the best way to get back at that super-smiley couple is to totally outdo them at their own game.  Nothing like having sex, just to keep up with the Joneses, to keep the passion lit.

Are you a pro- or anti-Valentine’s Day person?  If you’re single, how do you ignore it?  If you’re attached, how do you keep things romantic (in non-Hallmark ways?)  Would you rather work in a year-round Christmas store or year-round Valentine’s Day store?

This Sunday, millions of Americans will gather together to eat junk food, watch a football game, and hope to see some really good commercials.

And the rest of the world still won’t care, because it isn’t soccer.

I’ll be pulling for the Saints this weekend, if only because I like underdogs.  Maybe that’s kind of spiteful of me.  Peyton Manning has done nothing to me personally.  But he’s a really successful quarterback and an all around nice guy with a charming personality, so I’m hoping his team loses. 

I’ll be watching the game with other casual football observers.  I’ve noticed there are two types of Americans.  There are hardcore superfans whose lives, families, jobs, wardrobes, finances, and personalities revolve around being really good at watching football…and then there’s everyone else.  It is impossible to mix the two together.  Casual observers are not welcome among the ranks of Superfans.  And Superfans quickly find they have a hard time holding a place in the conversation with people who read books and speak at normal decibel levels.

Some churches like to show the game, but they have a weird relationship with it ever since every American was scarred for life by brief partial nudity.  Since then, the producers have been a lot more cautious about what the halftime show will contain.  To ensure the safety of virgin eyes who were watching Superbowl XL, we were treated to Mick Jagger’s soggy upper-arms flapping in the wind.  I ask you: is that any less frightening to young children?

There will be a bunch of advertising.  A few billion dollars will be spent on commercials.  Half the advertising during the game will be for one great tasting, low-calorie, non-filling adult beverage or another.  At the same time, there will be little to no advertising done by church groups.  The closest a church will get is Mosaic Church creating that Doritos ad that might get played.  Tim Tebow is doing an ad about pro-life stuff, but that’s about all Christians have to cheer for.

Has anyone watched a commercial and said, “Ha!  Magic fridge.  That was hilarious.  But what is this ‘Bud Light’ they speak of?  I must purchase this item and see if their boastful claims about their product line’s superiority are true!”

No.  Everyone knows about Bud Light.  They know it’s watery tasting alcohol that won’t make you fat.  They aren’t offering us any new information.  And yet, Anheuser Busch spends billions of dollars making hilarious commercials to tell us, again about their rather mediocre product.

I used to think that the problem with trying to market Jesus is that everyone already knows who Jesus is.  What else is there to say about him?  But apparently, that isn’t the problem.  What we want to share with the world is infinitely better then Bud Light.  But our marketing, most of the time, sucks.

The problem is people don’t think Jesus is fun.  People think beer is fun.  People don’t think Jesus inspires humor.  Everyone knows beer makes you funnier.  I heard Christians even got uptight over the religious themes in the Doritos commerical from Mosaic Church.  And as long as Christians are uptight about religion, people will love beer more than Jesus.

Sure, there’s probably limits to how we ought to “brand” Jesus.  We’re the church, not a multi-national corporation.  Still, when you’ve got more people gathered at one time to see your message than at any other time of the year, why aren’t churches trying harder to get people to love Jesus more than beer?

Most of us want to say that the best advertising for Jesus is word of mouth from friend to friend.  But I have to admit, there’s a lot of days I’m a really bad commercial for Jesus.

What do you think?  Should the church groups with loads of tax-free non-profit cash spend some of it on really good advertising?  Who will you be pulling for in the game?  Are you looking forward to the Superbowl or Valentine’s Day more?  Are you a casual fan or a SUPERfan? 

Is your Bible full of holes?

Of all the questions I recieved last week for my answer bag, there was one question I couldn’t answer, simply because it would take more than six words to do so.  So I’m answering it now.

The question was: how do I deal with the so called “inconsistencies” in the Bible?

I sweep them under the rug and preach about feel-good Bible fables with lofty morals that make people want to “sort of” raise their hands during the final song, put more money in the offering, and not ask questions, that’s how.

Okay not really.  But in general, people don’t ask enough questions like these.  They think the only way to be a Christian is to have “child like faith” and not ask questions.  You won’t break your Bible by asking it questions, even tough questions.

When it comes to people confronting me about “mistakes,” “errors,” or “contradictions” in the Bible, my first response to them is:

“Where?”

Where are the contradictions you’re talking about?  I ask that because usually, the person is asking me in broad generalities, because they’re hostile toward me or they don’t know of any “contradictions” themselves.  They heard from some hippie friend that there’s a bunch of holes in the Bible and they take this to be true.  If you’re out to win a debate, this will buy you time and get you out of “defensive” mode.

(I don’t mean to suggest that the reader who inspired this post falls into this category.  She asked me a brief question in the interest of time, and it was honest, and that’s why I’m answering her.  I will admittedly have to answer in generalities too, or this blog would take forever.)

I also ask “where” because people today are also notorious for thinking things are in the Bible that really aren’t.  No point in debating a Bible verse that we can’t find, even if you’re sure it’s in there.  If you’ve got some clown spouting all kinds of weird things at your small group, just ask them to back up what they’re saying with scripture.  They’ll mumble something and look down at their Birkenstocks because it will dawn on them that they probably are thinking of something they read in a forture cookie.  So it’s quite possible that someone thinks there’s some contradiction in the Bible that really isn’t there.

Now, if you’re still with me, and you’ve got some glaring “contradiction,” you might be in one of the gospels, since they’re the only books that are supposed to coincide with one another that anyone cares about.

Think about this: Matthew, Mark and Luke coincide quite a lot, actually.  Luke wasn’t a disciple, but he wrote his gospel based on the testimony of a bunch of different people.  And he still gets a bunch of it to match up with Matthew, who was actually there at the time.  Mark wasn’t a disciple either, and it syncs up too.  Ask yourself what differences are there?  Are they important to the message?  Does Jesus still die and come back?  Yeah, I think no one mixed that up.  Because unless God physically came down, and wrote the books himself, there will be differences in who saw what.

Besides that, have you ever watched different news stations report the same events with the exact same wording?  Never happens.  Some of you watch Anderson Cooper.  A bunch of you watch Bill O’Reilly.  No one watches Keith Olbermann, because he’s terrible and he knows it.  Well it’s the same with the gospel writers.  Matthew is writing to Jews, so he’s going to emphasize Jewish themes.  Luke is writing to Greeks based on others’ testimony, so he’s going to have a different emphasis.  Read them all, and you get a pretty clear picture of what happened.

Then there’s John’s gospel.  As an aside, apparently a bunch of blockheads get their news from Jon Stewart on The Daily Show, thinking he’s to be a realiable source of factual truth.  He’s not.  He’s there to be funny, which he isn’t.  So I don’t know what he does, really. 

John’s gospel is not a history book with an accurate timeline.  So don’t read John as a history book and don’t watch Jon Stewart as a news reporter, or comedian.  John wrote his gospel years after the other guys, and didn’t need to cover the same tracks the others did.  He wrote a story with a story structure, so that “you might believe.”  Read his book and list out the miracles he mentions.  Do they ramp up in a steady, climactic, literary-like fashion?  Cool, huh?  Sometimes, a little artistic license is okay if it communicates a message clearer.  He takes a bunch of real events and rearranges them to make the story better, while including a bunch of true stories the other guys didn’t think were important for their audiences. 

Makes you feel better already, doesn’t it?  Suddenly, you don’t have to try to pretend John’s story agrees with the others!  Now think about all the ways the Bible does agree.  It’s pretty awesome that the books of Kings, Chronicles, and Isaiah all converge on the story of Hezekiah.  Or how we have four stories about Jesus, written from lots of eyewitness accounts, and they sync up as well as they do.

Think about all the books that didn’t make it into the Bible.  There’s a bunch of them.  Now, this may alarm you, and make you think the church is hiding lots of juicy secrets about Jesus from you.  Know why they didn’t make it into the Bible?

Because those books don’t agree!

The books that didn’t make it are the ones that actually are full of holes, errors, and contradictions.  You’ve got a few good books that converge on the Jesus we know.  The rest of them are tabloids that have him doing crazy stuff like turning into a giant robot and telling his wife to make him a sandwich; stuff that makes walking on water look normal. 

This is the same way they root out translation errors.  Sure, every old version of Matthew has some errors in it, but they don’t have the same errors!  Rest assured, there’s a bunch of people working to make our translations as good as possible. 

There’s my answer.  For being very general, I hope it’s a good start for you.

What’s your favorite gospel, or other book of the Bible?  Have the “contradictions” bothered you?  How have you dealt with it?  And hey, I like playing “Bible Answer-Man” once in a while, so if you’ve got a question, fire it off, and I might just talk about it!

You probably go a really loving, welcoming, friendly church.

Churches typically like to say they’re “friendly” as a selling point.  They might even put on their sign “Come as you are.”  It’s supposed to mean that church is a safe place for everyone.  Anyone can find acceptance and belonging in church.

But you and I both know that’s baloney.

Not just anyone can find love and acceptance in any church.  I’ve heard stories from personal friends who’ve felt unwelcome at church.  I just read a story of a male prostitute who was run out of church by the other men.  Ghandi was run out of church.  Not everyone we invite to church can be John Mayer, or someone who would totally amp up the awesome factor of our church.  Sure, we want everyone to go to church.  There’s just some people a lot of Christians would rather see go to someone else’s church.

If we’re being honest, part of us likes our churches the way they are, and doesn’t want anyone messing them up.  We’ve seen people we know we should “witness” to.  But then a little voice tells us that maybe our church isn’t the church God wants them to join.  Maybe they’d be more comfortable with other people.  I’ve talked to pastors who’ve been brave enough to be honest and admit that little voice exists.

If you had a lineup of people you could bring to church, who would actually be accepted by your church?  Forget trying to “fix” anyone, or change anyone’s habits or opinions or lifestyle.  Pretend that these people will never change their ways or become less unusual or sinful, but they’ll come to church for years, seeking God, and possibly offending everyone the whole time.  Who would really be able to join your church?

Wow, there’s a lot of people with sex related barriers to church on that list.  Some churches don’t even like people to show up in jeans.

How would your church score?  I think there’s a church for everyone to not be welcomed to.  I bet I could find a church I wouldn’t be welcome at.

Some of you may be thinking that those people should have to clean up their act pretty quickly if they planned on sticking around your church.  Sure, as quickly as I can point out that Jesus didn’t condemn the adulteress, you’ll point out that he also told her to “sin no more.” 

But what if she did go on sinning?  What if that porn star took ten years to be convicted by God, get baptized and leave porn?  What if she needed forgiveness every week?  Would we be able to tolerate her?  What about the people who aren’t “sinning” but are just being “annoying?”

Some of you think you attend really “accepting” churches who would welcome anyone off the streets.  Well, what about Pat Robertson?  Sure, your church may love the GLBT crowd, but would your church be able to stand Pat?  Some of your churches are full of punks and “misfits.”  Would that CEO in the power suit be able to make the cut for those churches?  What about the Christians who just happen to be really different from you?  It’s a beautiful thing when different people can worship God in harmony.  It just doesn’t happen often.

So be honest.  Who might not make the cut in your church?  Where have you seen the people of your church draw the line when it came to loving people?  Are you one of those people who churches have failed to welcome?

Too much information…

Last Wednesday, a record number of comments rolled in with some great questions for me to answer (as well as some…interesting personal confessions.)  Now I’ve got your answer bag here.  I mixed up all your questions by topic to make it more concise for everyone, so everyone’s got a shout-out to their questions somewhere in here.  I just want to say thank you for making blogging so fun for me by sharing with me and letting me share with you.  And we’re off…

First of all, I will soon be 27.  My blog photo is pretty current, though my hair is shorter than normal.  I am married.  I met my wife in a church I was visiting with college friends.

On Physical Coordination:
I cannot surf…or do any water sports, really…or for that matter, land sports.  I’m pretty uncoordinated.  I make up for this by being “outdoorsy.”  My wife and I love to camp.  We canoed through 40 miles of wilderness a couple of years ago.  I don’t care about my lack of athletic ability, as I doubt climbing a rope would enhance my life in any way.  If I could pick a skill which I cannot do, I’d like to play the piano.  Seems like a neat party trick.

I’ll be pulling for New Orleans in the Superbowl because I love underdogs, and hate the Colts, even though I like Peyton Manning.

On Likes and Dislikes:
Of all the vegetables in the world, why would my parents make me eat hominy?  We have a thousand different ways to eat corn.  I think we can retire this one.

Favorite college classes:  my elective class on short stories, and intro to philosophy, as most of it was the prof. telling weird personal stories.

I was portrayed by Fred Savage in The Wizard because they decided my hair was not quite poofy enough for the part.  Super Mario 3 is still the best game ever.  Playing this game is my super power, as I one time played the game until the score “reset” to zero, which is impossible.  If I could choose another super power, it would be being Ryan Seacrest.

I’ve got plenty of cringe-worthy music in my collection. But, you know, I got all those Mariah Carey mp3s on Napster back when it was free and unregulated, just to grab whatever I could, so stop judging me.  One or more of you watches pro-wrestling, so I don’t think we need to be judging one another.

I don’t go to Starbucks because I like money more than I like coffee-flavored cool whip.  I also use a Dell computer because I like money more than Apple computers.  $500 for the iPad?  Is that a joke?

What “Saved by the Bell” character would I be?  I would be Theo Huxtable, as in I would not be on “Saved by the Bell” because it was a stupid show.  Oh yes, I went there.  Let the flame war begin.

On Romance:
My favorite chick flick is any that I am not forced to watch.  The best among them is of course Pride and Prejudice, which proves that one need not experience something in order to make fun of it.

In our home, my wife rolling her eyes is her way of saying I am awesome all the time.  She does a lot of eye rolling.

My favorite pick up line is “Is it hot in here, or is it just me?”  Works every time.
My favorite break-up line is “It’s not me, it’s you.”

On Blogging:
It’s hard to say what one piece of advice improved my writing or ministry the most.  I mostly learned by observing others and what worked.  I’ve got lots of blogging heroes.  I sometimes have writer’s block.  There are days I don’t want to write.  But I try to plan for those times by keeping a notebook of ideas, so when I’m dry, I can pull one out and it will tide me over.  I also read a ton of books and blogs to keep the blogging and preaching fresh.  Once you start getting a blogging rhythm, it’s hard to not see potential posts in everything, though this can be as much of a curse as a blessing.

As for you bloggers wondering how to get new readers to your blog, the best advice I can give is comment on other blogs.  Blogging is a social activity!  I don’t really lurk on any blogs.  I try to comment a lot, but I always wish I had more time for commenting.

Six months ago, I could not see the point of Twitter, but I am a convert.  It’s a whole different platform to share life.

On Travel:
I don’t know what my dream vacation would be.  I’ve never been to Europe.  Right now, my wife and I are trying to decide if we’ll see Jefferson’s home this summer, or go to the North Carolina coast.  Ocean or culture.  For some, it’s a no-brainer.  Not for us.  The furthest I’ve been from home is Jamaica.

On Sprituality and Life:
I am a preacher’s kid, and thus was saved and fully sanctified from birth. But really, I had a series of quiet meanderings to and away faith that lasted through college when I really embraced Christianity as a self-aware adult.

If I could undo one moment in my life, I can’t even begin to choose what it would be.  I am haunted by memories of my mistakes and am often insecure about that.  I try to make up for mistakes years later, when I am the only one who remembers them.  It’s not healthy, really. 

I’ve never faked a “spiritual experience” as I’ve never been in a church that emphasized such things.  I always went to “boring” churches.

I am officially “non-tribulation,” because questions about pre/post trib give me hernias, and I don’t care to discuss it.  But hey, pre-trib sounds all right to me.  Someone else asked about the Bible’s “inconsistencies,” but I’ll have to save that one for later.

I “officially” knew I wanted to be a pastor after months of wrestling in college.  I finished my bachelor’s and went right on to seminary.  Today, I’m a bi-vocational pastor who teaches during the week.  I’m in elementary special education, but I’m working towards high school to teach history.  Someone else asked, “What is it about my calling I just can’t believe?”  I’m a pastor, and my little house church is amazing, and we’re sending a missionary to Sudan next month to deliever the gospel to 100,000 people.  That’s pretty freaking incredible to me.  Not where I thought I’d be five years ago.

On Church:
Someone asked if it’s okay to ‘designate’ your tithe when you disagree with the way the church spends money?  I think if you’re going to a church, it should be one you can give money to in good conscience.  But yeah, go ahead and designate it, and call up the pastor with your concerns.

Someone asked who is most full of BS in the church, and I say we’re all full of it.  Not me of course.  By “we” I mean “everyone else.”  BS makes up a large part of my blogging inspiration.

I got a question about if I’ll go to the Catalyst Conference this year.  I may.  It was a great time seeing so many people, but I have to choose conventions carefully.

On Self Image:
I haven’t worn makeup at the request of a young girl playing “beauty shop,” but I had some college girl friends who liked to play “beauty shop” and got a bunch of us guys to do facial treatments. They also tried straightening my hair. That didn’t go so well.

On Never Doing Things:
I also had a great bunch of ‘Never Have I Ever’ submissions.  Most of them, I’ve never done, including:

I’ve never had a McFlurry of any kind.  I have also never enjoyed “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,” despite watching it on twenty-seven seperate occasions throughout my public school education.  (I’ve also never passed by an opportunity to express my disdain for the movie.)  I have never sang along with Taylor Swift in the car, as I prefer Christina Aguilera.  I’ve also never walked into the living room naked, not knowing there were guests, because I always know when we have guests. 

As for the “Nevers” I have ever done:
I have partied like it’s 1999, and continue to do so.  I have been in one fistfight with a bully.  It was a draw, but I got rid of my bully, and it was totally worth it.  I have smoked cigarettes, I rode the bus to school, and eaten liver.  I did debate and competitve acting in high school, which seems to go against every natural shy part of me. 

Thanks for great questions, everyone!  So that’s me.  What Saved by the Bell character are you?  Whoever it is, I pity you for being trapped in a mediocre, unfunny teen sitcom.

Who are you?

I don’t mean that in some preachy, philosophical, profound blogger type of way.  I really just want to know who are you.

It’s been almost a year since I played this little game with the readers, and I think there may be a few more of you this time.  What makes blogging so fun is connecting with other people, and this is one of those little ways to do that.  If you’re a new reader, this is your chance to introduce yourself to everyone.  If you’re a longtime reader, maybe this is your day to un-lurk and make a comment (or email me if you’re a subscriber.)

Here’s what I want to know.  It’s really easy.

1.)  Your name, and what state (or country) you live in.
For example, I’m Matt, and I live in Missouri.  Your comment could be just two words.

2.)  If you want to go for bonus points, ask me any question you want to know of me.  I’ll spend Friday’s post on my answers to you.  But you have to answer the question yourself too!  I had some really creative questions come at me last time which revealed that I regularly serenade my wife with the Golden Girls theme song, and a movie was made about me being a Super Mario Bros. 3 champ.

3.)  For bonus, bonus points, you can play “never have I ever.”  That’s where you name something you’ve never done, in hopes that I’ll have to admit my guilt on Friday’s post.  For example, you might say, “Never have I ever suddenly realized I know the lyrics to Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA” to my great chagrin and puzzlement.”  You know, stuff like that.  Except, don’t really ask that, because it was just an example.  Really, don’t.

Take your pick, one or all of them.  Who are you?