Know what Americans need? More Bibles.

I set out on a quest for a new Bible. I’ve got my stand-by, an NIV study Bible with my scribbles all over it. It’s pretty rad. But I felt like I needed a new Bible for some reason. It was just feeling a little, I don’t know, stale.

Since it’s been a while since I’ve purchased a Bible, I knew there would be several new translations and versions to choose from that I would not be familiar with. I went to Amazon.com to check out my options.

Amazon came up with 7,183 different Bibles.

7,183 different flavors of God’s Word.

This was going to be more daunting than I had previously assumed. But perhaps you’re in the same boat, trying to navigate the endless waters of niche Bibles. Some tirelessly working marketing team has decided to serve the Lord by identifying, studying and producing a Bible for your specific segment of society, to help God meet your specific needs for the next five minutes! But how do you know which group you fall into? What if you got the wrong Bible? Your needs might not be met! Your Bible might not make you as happy as it’s intended!

The Church of No People Institute for Studying Things has identified some of the most important Bibles out there, and devised an easy system to help you know if God can work in your life through these Bibles by keeping his Word fresh and interesting as it caters to you.

The Message
The Message is a huge phenomenon. Some people love to ponder over the beauty of the details in life. Others just want the gist of things. The Message is the words of scripture, now simplified and re-interpreted for the common person. It may not get all the details right, but it gets the gist of things. God, Jesus, everyone’s here! The Message has been so successful, it’s spawned several new versions of itself, including ‘The Message: Remix 2.0,’ and ‘The Message: Pause.’
Try it if you like: Wikipedia
Wikipedia is a huge phenomenon. Some people love to ponder over the beauty of the details in life. Others just want the gist of things. Wikipedia is human knowledge, now simplified and collectively re-interpreted for the common person. It may not get all the details right, but it gets the gist of things. George Washington, Groucho Marx, they’re all here! Wikipedia has been so successful, it’s spawned several new versions of itself, including WikiNews and WikiBooks.

The Chronological New King James Bible
Maybe you’re the adventurous type. Maybe every day for you is the Renassaince Festival. You fancy long quests and long bows and characters named Longshanks. Perhaps thou believest that surly, crusading pirates are inherently better than ninjas (thou art wrong.) My friend, this Bible was made for you. This ancient tome carries the very legend and legacy of Israel, in the re-edited, director’s cut tale of swords, battles, plagues and fair maidens. And with just enough fancy old-school English-speak, ye truly will raise ye olde chalice and toast this masterpiece!
Try it if you like: The Lord of the Rings

The Regular King James Bible
Some people still go for really old-school. This unedited, un-remixed, un-exciting version of the Bible which shaped our language is no longer than any other Bible, but it feels that way. It’s archaic words will confuse you, forcing you to take twice as long to read it. Only people with true taste for boredom and endlessly exasperating stories will truly appreciate this classic. Verily!
Try it if you like: Pride and Prejudice

The Evidence Bible
Written by Ray Comfort, this Bible promises to dissect each scene of the Bible with meticulous attention to detail. Every trace and every clue is re-examined to prove what really happened in Israel so many years ago. You’ll be uncovering new facts, interviewing new people, finding new clues. This Bible is great to read in a laboratory under blue lights while listening to funky techno-riffs. From the opening bang of creation to the final twist of Revelation, you’ll be on the edge of your seat. This Bible always gets its man. The only thing missing is David Caruso.
Try it if you like: CSI, Cold Case, CSI: NY, Numbers, Bones, The Shield, NYPD Blue, Without a Trace, COPS, CSI: Miami, The Closer, Criminal Minds, Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, The Mentalist or Dateline.

The Green Bible
Maybe you’re feeling a little bit self-conscious around your non-Christian friends. While your progressive-thinking peers are out trying to save Darfur, or at least paying Bono to do it, or reducing their carbon footprint, you’re probably going to some Bible study! And everyone knows what goes on at those things. Christians plot how they can take away everyone’s freedom, elect Republicans, and destroy the earth! You don’t have to tell us; your leather-bound Bible says it all. Why don’t you just get a Bible make of baby seals, murderer!
If your Bible is getting in the way of your witness to your eco-conscious friends, put The Green Bible on your recycled bamboo coffee table. It has no carbon footprint, helps save Darfur, and its cover is made completely out of granola!
Try it if you like: Telling everyone you don’t even own a TV.

Grace for the Moment Bible
Maybe you didn’t get hugged enough as a child. You need some extra love in your life. Despite all the affection and encouragement you recieve from your parents, children, spouse, church and friends, you need just a little bit more. Max Lucado has a Bible for you. No matter what’s going on, Max’s Bible is here to cheer you up. It doesn’t matter what you’re dealing with: slow traffic, an inept waitress, a spider in your house, you can have victory, because there is grace for this moment. And someone in the Bible just might have had it worse than you (maybe.)
Try it if you like: Oprah

The Grandmother’s Bible
It’s your golden years. You’ve worked hard raising a family, and they should be your satisfaction in life. But that idiot son of yours is raising your grandchildren to be a bunch of godless heathens! You need a Bible that helps you pray for your family and this rest of this god-forsaken country before everyone goes to hell! Plus its knitted cover is sure to match that quilt you’re working on.
It makes a great match with The Grandfather’s Bible, with its extra heavy brick-like cover; perfect for throwing at those gat-dang teenagers who won’t stay off your property with their baggy pants and their devil music!
Try it if you like: The Price is Right, but not that new young fella. He doesn’t know what he’s doing up there. And ever since Bob Barker left, I can’t keep that mangy cat next door from violating my precious Toonces, no matter how much I spray him with the hose. Right in front of my house!

What I really want to find is one of those Bibles that blinds me with the light of Jesus when I open it, like I see in all those forwarded emails I don’t open.

For the record, if you care, I prefer the NIV Bible. It has a good balance of literal interpretation, modern language and smooth sentence structure, which is quite a feat. I found in seminary (where everyone used the NAS) almost every time the prof. would point out what the Bible really means (i.e. where the NAS is inaccurate), my NIV would already have the proper translation.

There’s lots of other Bibles out there that remain to be studied. What’s your favorite Bible? Do you own any of these speciality Bibles? Are they actually any good?

The season of Lent is now upon us. Probably the most recognizable tradition for Lent is to give up something for six weeks. Personally, I’ll be fasting from several things because I’m holy like that. My Lent will be free from Rachael Ray, grape soda, Hugh Grant movies, In-a-Tub restaurants, Anime, and the game of ‘Cranium.’

Come to think of it, I’ve been fasting from all of these for several Lents in a row…as well as all year long. We all have to make sacrifices though. Depriving myself of these pleasures is my cross to bear.

There was a time when my roommate and I lived nearby a predominately Hispanic neighborhood. One day we decided to wander over to their seemingly everyday grocery store. It was a chain store, and seemed normal enough. But once inside, we spent literally an hour gawking at all the ‘ethnic’ foods (as they like to be called.) I’m talking about cow tongues sitting right next to the steaks, 5 gallon buckets of lard, random entrails bagged up, festooned with bright ‘ESPECIAL’ stickers. It was an entertaining day at the store. The Chinese grocery store was also memorable, but in a much different way…

One day, which happened to be about a month before Easter, I happened to stop in at the local Taco Bell (in the same neighborhood.) Since the neighborhood was Hispanic, it was also primarily Catholic. Taco Bell had a prominent sign by the menu.

Maybe your thoughts turn to God in a thoughtful Lenten liturgy,

But nothing makes me cry to Jesus like a 7 layer burrito.

Now, some of you who don’t live in predominately Catholic areas may balk at such “abject commericalism.” But this has been going on for a long time, and other restaurants do this, and my perspective is that Taco Bell is just trying to cater to their customers.

Besides, what I fixate on moreso is the implication that a Caramel Apple Empanada could contain meat, but is available without meat for the religious types who request it.

Customer: I’d like an Apple Empanada.

Taco Bell employee: Yes sir. Beef, chicken or steak in that?

Customer: Oh no, hold the meat. I’m…”lenting.”

Lenting” is the word for observing Lent. Look it up. It sounds weird to say you’re ‘celebrating’ Lent. What is Lent about? Repentance and solemn inner reflection? Woooo, LENT! Doesn’t sound like a party to me.

Second, I think about what if Taco Bell had been around in Jesus’ time. What if Jesus really fed 5,000 people with 5 soft tacos and two packets of hot sauce? Or Satan tempted Jesus to turn stones into Nachos Bell Grande.

Now just because I feel Taco Bell is making an innocent and innocuous business choice, that doesn’t make it a good choice for lenting Christians to buy. I have never been surrounded by people who are serious about giving stuff up for Lent. My impression is that it’s supposed to remind us of Christ’s sacrifice. If there’s anyone who can correct me on this, please do.
Regardless, how awesome is it to say:

Friend 1: ‘Hey, we’re going out for burgers, you in?’

Friend 2: ‘Aw, no. No meat for me. It’s Lent.’

Friend 1: ‘I don’t know how you do it. You are dedicated.’

Friend 2: (Unintelligible speech. Mouth and both fists are full of CinnaTwists

There’s a lot of us who ought to fast from hamburgers and tacos and a lot of other stuff for Lent. But those old reward receptors in our brains keep firing off. Seems we can’t make one sacrifice without rewarding ourselves for our piety by indulging in something else. Let’s say I give up take out pizza from Domino’s. How holy is it to do that, if I just replace it with an Oreo pizza from Domino’s? I may have a beard, and beards look holy. But it will be made out of Oreo crumbs fused to my face, which may betray my piety.

What are you giving up for Lent? Will you be filling the hole in your heart left by McDonald’s with mass-produced, mexican-style foodstuffs? What’s your interpretation of the meaning of Lenten fasting? How many of you were offended that a mega-corporation actually acknowledged a religious observance? How many of you noticed that my story about the grocery store was completely irrelevant? Have you ever poked a cow tongue through a thin layer of plastic wrap?

Have a great weekend, and a great Lent, everyone.

Hey blog friends! Thanks so much for reading my blog, including you new readers. Your dedication to visiting and commenting always warms my heart, and that’s good karma!

Did I just say karma?

What does karma even mean? No one in America seems to know what it means, but it’s a pretty popular word to casually throw around. Just sprinkle it randomly into conversation, and people will think you’re enlightened and trendy. It’s like if you have a bunch of stuff in your house from Pier One, like a vase full of colored balls, or a little Buddha statue or a big metal thing on your wall that even you don’t know what it is. People see it and they don’t know what it is either, so they respect you for having things in your house they’ve never even heard of.

Betty: That is a lovely…decoration on your wall!..Er…What is it?

Wanda: …You know I don’t know. But the guy wearing the capri pants at Pier One said it makes good ‘karma.’

Betty: Oh, I think you mean ‘fun sway.’

Wanda: Oh you’re right. But it’s probably good ‘karma’ too.

Although the word means a lot more to people in eastern cultures, over here karma serves the same purpose as exotic looking furniture, or ‘soul patches,’ or glasses with fake lenses.

Christians don’t seem to be sure what to do about karma because Jesus never talked about it. Is it okay to use? Do we frown on it? Do we try use it just to be hip? The only reason karma is cool these days is because it’s a different culture’s word for a concept that we already know.

It’s called, ‘The Golden Rule.’

But the Golden Rule just can’t hold up to the awesome latte sipping hipness of karma. Karma sounds like a mysterious and exotic belly dancer whispering breathlessly in your ear. The Golden Rule sounds like a schoolmarm rapping your hand with a ruler.

I actually heard a (young) Sunday school teacher at a church I used to attend correct a couple of kids by saying, ‘You know, there is such a thing as karma.’ I was stunned. I wanted to rush in and say, ‘No no, no there isn’t, don’t listen to her, kids. What goes around does not come around. Your deeds or misdeeds to others will never be repaid after you die.’ But that didn’t sound right.

Christians have tried to come up with their own cliche phrases with vague meanings to substitute for ‘karma.’ ‘Love on’ or ‘In Christian love’ are viable alternatives to ‘karma.’ You say those enough, you’re covered in the afterlife. But even these popular phrases fail to infuse the user with the same levels of awesomeness experienced by the ‘karma’ user. ‘Love on’ is like a hip looking trinket in your friend’s house, and she says it’s from Pier One, of course. But then when she’s not looking, you flip it over and the tag says ‘TJ Maxx: CLEARANCE.’

The word ‘karma’ is hip because ‘eastern’ themed décor is hip right now. 99% of all the Buddhas, elephants, and African tribal statues that places like Pier One sells are purchased by people who will never believe in Buddha, African spirits or elephants. It’s all for those people who say ‘I’m spiritual, just not religious.’ If Jesus were a jolly, fez wearing elephant genie, you wouldn’t be able to keep him on the shelves, he’d be so hip. I guarantee it.

Who knows, maybe in China’s version of Pier One, they sell Jesus trinkets like crazy because they think Jesus is novel and cute and will bring them good luck if they rub his belly. Sounds offensive, doesn’t it? I think it swings both ways, but that’s just me.

A couple of weeks ago I was attempting to find a parking space at the grocery store, and I was stopped behind a guy who was waiting for someone else to get in his car and leave. He had a bumper sticker that simply read ‘Karma,’ which I found ironic, given what a tool he was being in the parking lot.

But he also had a ‘Darwin fish’ on his car. That’s a Jesus fish with legs, and it’s an abomination.

I found it curious that a dude with ‘Karma’ on his car would also be a Darwinist. Do Darwinists believe that ‘what goes around comes around?’ That we should treat others as we would like to be treated?

Imagine the world, as Darwin envisioned. Animals are all jostling to climb the evolutionary ladder, natural selection, survival of the fittest, etc, etc. What happens when an animal decides he’s going to take a more karma-centered path; to treat other animals as he would like to be treated?

Antelope #1: You know, Bob, I’ve lived a while now, and I realized the other day that I have never thought of anyone but myself. If I wanted something, I took it. Didn’t matter how it made the other animals feel. After all, we’re all equal in the sight of the non-existent creator. I’m going to start doing good deeds for others. I’m going to think of others before myself.

Antelope #2: You know what, you’re ri…

Tiger: (violently mauls both antelope, takes only two bites of each because he just ate a wildebeest but just had a hankering for antelope, throws leftovers in river so no one else can share, obviously flaunting the ideals of ‘karma.’)

Have you heard ‘karma’ being thrown around? At church? What do you think – is it a word Christians can successfully annex for our own use, or do we need to come up with another, equally hip word to summarize ‘the Golden rule?’ Confession time: how many pieces of furniture or decoration do you have in your house that’s ‘eastern culture’ themed?

Hey, it’s time for our first ever ‘Point / Counterpoint!’

I was reminded a couple of days ago about a friendly debate I had some years back with a couple of friends. As is typical with intelligent college students, we were using our time and talents to debate only the most important and pressing matters facing our society. Our topic on this particular day was:

Is heaven going to be a nudist resort?

That’s not what we actually called it, but to be honest, that’s what we were debating. My friends, who took the ‘negative’ side, cited various evidences that people in heaven do in fact wear clothes:

1. All visitors from heaven in the Bible are wearing clothes, be it non-descript clothing, or white robes, or fine linen. In the cases where the clothing is not described, the Bible at least does not say, ‘the dude was naked.’

2. The book of Revelation describes the elders, Jesus, and everyone else in heaven by what they are wearing – clothing.

3. God made clothes for Adam and Eve because they needed it in their sinful state, and it makes sense for clothes to still be useful in heaven. Also, naked people are gross. How would we ever deal with everyone being naked in heaven after wearing clothes on earth?

4. Angels are always portrayed with white robes. Where’d we get that idea?

I thoughtfully processed these compelling arguments, but decided I wanted to be a jerk that day because it was a Tuesday. My arguments ran thus:

1. FACT: Clothes are for us in our sinful states. In heaven we will not be sinners, thus have no need for clothes which cover shame.

2. FACT: We have no description of what heavenly bodies will be like. They may be nothing like our bodies here, though we will somehow be able to recognize each other.

3. FACT: The Bible is filled with physical descriptions of God that make him relatable to people, even though we all agree that they are symbolic. Isn’t it possible that being ‘clothed in white’ is an analogy for the brilliance of the glory we will be clothed with? Was the woman in Revelation really ‘clothed with the sun?’

4. FACT: Angels always wear white robes, eh? What about the ‘cherubs?’ Maybe we’ll all be prancing around as naked little cherub angels.

Case closed. Heaven is ‘clothing optional’ at the very least.

Or so I thought. Because as much as I like to think I won the argument that day, and that heaven will be a big nude-a-rama, the idea is just completely weird. For all I know, someone is reading this blog in a state of…immodesty right now. If that is the case, please correct this situation, and DON’T tell us about it. This is a family friendly place. But I also can’t imagine getting up in the morning in heaven and trying to decide which robe I’ll be wearing that day.

Part of the problem is that even as much ‘sex’ and ‘nudity’ as we have saturating our society, it’s still a big taboo, and we can’t separate one from the other. Anyone who says we’ll be naked in heaven sounds like a hedonist and a perv-ball.

So weigh in with your thoughts, and let’s get this figured out! Will we be wearing our Levi’s and Old Navy in the afterlife? Or dancing around in the buff like a bunch of Europeans?

Me and God, we go way back…almost 26 years, which is practically forever. So I feel like the two of us are on the same wavelength. We speak the same language, cause we’re pals. We can kick back on a Sunday afternoon and just hang out. Or shoot hoops. Me and the Big Guy, giving each other fist bumps.

To me, God is a particular type of God. He has a personality that I can relate to (and no, it’s not really the above description). I don’t think this is a self fashioned God. I think it’s based on what the Bible says about God. It’s based on what we know of Jesus’ personality. As a guy, I can relate to my God.

So you can imagine my…concern about a year ago when I’m asked to design some brochures for a women’s retreat, and everything is all about God’s ‘alluring love!’ Everything was ‘escape into His arms’ this, and ‘Jesus, lover of my soul’ that. Everything was so girly! This isn’t ‘Jesus is my homeboy.’ More like ‘Jesus is my boyfriend.’ It even sounded a tad sexual. I begrudgingly took the money and invited women to engage in a blissful romantic weekend with their true lover. Then I went to a bar, but all that sounded good was a fuzzy navel. I mean, you think you know a guy, then it turns out he spent his weekend feeding ‘spiritual chocolates’ to some girl, while he was supposed to be hanging with you!

I haven’t been in a church in a long time that sings those ‘love songs’ that pass as hymns. I’m pretty sure some of those are just reworked Elvis ballads with ‘Jesus’ stuck in there. So I haven’t thought about this sort of thing that some women do with God.

What I discovered as I talked with some friends is that we all have different facets of God that we’re comfortable with. I’m perfectly comfortable with God being close. Speaking seriously, I do relate to the ‘child’ metaphors in a deep way, like Solomon begging God for wisdom, as he is only a little child. One of my friends, on the other hand, was not comfortable at all with that sort of a relationship. God seemed too mysterious and unsearchable for a guy who has an unusually close relationship with his father. He worships God more as his king and sustainer.

My conclusion is that God is so huge because He has made so many different types of people, and He’s got to be God to all of them! So He speaks this way to one person, and that way to another. And this isn’t to dilute the reality of God as Savior. But maybe God the Father is ‘King’ to one, ‘Father’ to another, and…dare I say it, ‘boyfriend’ to another.

I’m curious about who God is to other people now.

This is what quiet time feels like…It gives me gas.

So when I went to seminary, I thought I had hit the jackpot.

Because I could go to class, and hear or read something really smart, then work it into my sermon on Sunday, and everyone would say, “Aw, isn’t that great? Matt must have read a book. He’s so learned!” And at the same time, I didn’t have to do any personal study. I could just count class as my ‘quiet time.’ Win, win.