Everyone loves souvenirs. 

About halfway through our recent vacation, my wife and I realized that our mad packing skills left little room for all the amazing useless junk that we still needed to pick up.  How else would we memorialize our trip, but through random souvenir trinkets with the name of the place we visited stamped on them?

As it turned out, we visited a beach, so we did pick up a bunch of shells.  Shells are a perfect souvenir and are great for transforming any ordinary bathroom into an enchanting island getaway.  I just glued ordinary seashells all over my sink, bathtub and toilet, sprinkled some sand on the floor, and got a Glade Island Escape(tm) air freshener, and every trip to the bathroom feels like I’m peeing in the ocean again!  How romantic.

We visited a lot of gift shops along the way too.  I had forgotten (somehow) how much Americans like to fill their homes with souvenirs.  And I had forgotten just how much souvenirs represent that irrepressible entrepreneurial spirit of selling people stuff they don’t really need.  Here’s my top five ways to clutter your home after a vacation.

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It’s time for a fun Friday countdown post.

Today, I’m counting down my personal favorite instances of prayer on TV and movies.  We don’t get a whole lot of the God talk from Hollywood.  And I’m not counting things like Touched by and Angel, or any explicitly Christian shows, only because I don’t watch them.  I’m talking about five great, flawed, funny, and outright wrong ways God has been invoked on the silver screen.

Bart Simpson

When the show started, The Simpsons was pretty questionable for most parents.  They were confused by a cartoon that did not seem to be appropriate for children.  Bart’s regular use of the phrase, “Eat my shorts,” was rude and inflammatory to middle class families of the late 80s.  But if children weren’t supposed to watch the show, who was?  Adults?

Then, early in the second season, the Simpsons are at the dinner table and Bart is asked to say grace.  He responds with hands folded, saying:

“Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves.  So thanks for nothing.”

Well that sealed the deal.  Somehow, the fact that Homer and Marge also didn’t approve of the prayer was lost on my parents.  The Simpsons was off limits to my brother and I forever, or at least until junior high school.  By then, we were all desensitized and watching the show was a family activity. 

Could it be that Bart was just saying the prayer that a lot of people are living?  Worst. Prayer. Ever.

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I think my mechanic is ripping me off.

My wife and I just took her car in yesterday.  We can’t seem to get out of there without spending a few hundred dollars.  Last month, I took my car in for an inspection.  An inspection is twelve dollars.  How much did I spend?  Two-hundred…on something that the car “needed” in order to pass inspection.  Funny, I had been careening wildly down the highway in a speeding death trap for a year and didn’t even know it until I spent two-hundred bucks to fix it.

The worst part is, the auto shop advertises itself as being “Christian.”

It got me thinking about something.  Most Christians kind of wish that everyone would become Christians.  Something about a Great Commission or something.  It’d be great to know our kids’ teachers were Christians.  But there’s some groups of people that it’s just really inconvenient if they advertise themselves as Christians…

Four Inconvenient Christians

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In a week or two, thousands of high school seniors will be graduating, soon to head off to college.  They’ll be preparing for the move by packing up boxes of Ramen noodles and books of graduation quotes given to them by every living relative.

However, after all the commencement speeches and well wishes, navigating life after high school can be pretty daunting.  Well, I’d like to help all the seniors out there with a little graduation advice, starting with graduation itself. 

Don’t look dumb at your graduation.

Granted, this is difficult given the attire.  A long, flowing gown and cap with a piece of cardboard on top isn’t exactly fashionable.  However, you can do a couple of things to maximize your fashion potential, like wear the cap correctly, instead of perched precariously on the back of your head.  Don’t worry, everyone looks like idiots.  Don’t look like more of an idiot than you must.

You can also make sure your family doesn’t look like a bunch of hillbillies.  There’s usually the announcement given at the beginning of the ceremony to hold the applause until everyone’s name has been called for their diplomas, especially if the graduating class is large.  And invariably, there are a couple of families who, upon hearing their brilliant child’s name called, commence shouting and sounding their airhorns as if they got lost on their way to the Nascar race. 

Whenever I hear that family, I assume this is the first time they have needed to attend a high school graduation for anyone in their family.  Don’t let your family look like a bunch of ignorant lunatics.

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How long does it take for something cool to become a running joke?

Everyone likes to look like they’re with it, and that they know what they’re doing.  Churches put as much energy into making worship “flow” as any performance.  No one wants to see someone trip and throw communion juice everywhere, or someone get stuck in an awkward pause, or the doves get released into the sanctuary at the wrong time. 

So churches, pastors, choirs, and band rehearse and practice so everyone is impressed.  Sometimes it pays off, and God himself shows up just in time for the key change in the third verse.  Other times, it comes off as dorky as a Ke$ha performance on Saturday Night Live (she looked like she had been bitten by a pack of rabid laser cats from 1987.)  And sometimes, church just turns into a long-running joke so predictable, David Letterman could’ve written it himself.

Take this church service for example…

“Sunday’s Coming” Movie Trailer from North Point Media on Vimeo.

Recognize your church in there somewhere?

If you had to do it all over again, what would you do?

Hindsight is always 20/20, and I think this is one of the most common questions people ask themselves.  What would they do if they knew everything they do now?  Would they live their lives exactly the same way?  Would they choose different careers, or live somewhere else, or take more risks, or not get involved in that pyramid scheme?

Of course, people always look at the big picture.  What if you had your whole life to do over again?  They never ask, what if I had to do this week over again?  That’s kind of funny, since our lives are made up of a whole bunch of weeks we’d probably not want to re-live.  Just this week at school, I broke up a fight, was spit on, cursed and yelled at, hit and kicked, and physically carried five children where they needed to go.  Such is the memorable life in the behavioral disorders department.  Would I re-live the week?  No.  But I’d have to in order to do my life over again.

Anyway, in the spirit of another week gone by, I ask you: what if you had to do it over again?

Me?  I’d do a lot of things…

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