Have I found that new and improved “me” yet?
As you may remember, a week ago I told you that I was launching, much like a church or a corporation, a new and improved “me.” A complete “rebranding” if you will. In other words, I want to get healthy.
I had a plan, or a “vision” (as plans are now referred to). It started with the humble goal of doing a juice diet for longer than my brother (who broke down after 48 hours and went to McDonald’s.)
So, is the new me a success, or did we have a failure to launch? Here’s what I’ve learned, ten days into this “health” thing.
Don’t Expect Encouragement
Apparently, it is socially unacceptable for a relatively healthy guy to try to get healthier. You either have to already be super fit, or you have to be morbidly overweight before you tell friends or acquaintances that you are starting a health plan. If you are built like my wife or I am, you can expect only one reaction to such an announcement:
“Why are you doing that? You don’t need to go on a diet. You’re skinny!”
I think this illustrates a simple fact of nature: every good thing you do will make someone else feel bad because they lack the skills or motivation to do the same thing. When people say (between fistfuls of french fries) “You don’t need to diet,” what they really mean is, “Please don’t go on a diet. It makes me look bad.”
I’ll Take Whatever Motivation I Can Get
Yes, vanity is a completely valid and necessary motivator to stay on a health plan. I’m not ashamed to admit that. I mean, running? Seriously? Yeah, I’m not running just for my health. I hate running. But you have to pick something to do, right?
You’re Super Healthy…and You Have No Friends
I know now that I could never be a vegan.
Not because I think the philosophy is unnecessary. I could never be a vegan because I am not prepared to be such a giant pain in the ass to all my friends. Let me explain…
The juice diet was going strong as of the time you were reading this blog on Friday. Then my wife left for work and reminded me we had a birthday party to go to…at a pizza place.
So there went the juicing. I didn’t have any meat, and I filled up on salad first. And I had juice when we got home, because I was hungry two hours later (which is what happens when you completely empty your system.) But still, being on a strict diet would’ve meant sitting the night out, or being a whiny jerk, trying to make everyone else conform to my desires.
Then the other day, my wife wanted to go on a date. And in our world that means let’s have dinner together, but not make it ourselves. And being a health nut seriously limits your options. It took long enough just to find a place that had a veggie burger.
I quickly realized that eating is a very social activity and virtually every American activity involves eating. Baseball, the Fourth of July, or going to the beach, it’s all just a vehicle for eating, preferably copious amounts of meat. So if you’re a vegan, or you have some other crazy weird diet that lets you feel morally superior to everyone, I suggest you just go ahead and renounce your American citizenship and move to Canada, because you can’t possibly have any friends here.
Okay, tell me if you’ve ever tried some super-crazy diet that ostracized you from all your friends. Or tell me how you balance your social life with your health.