Need a New, Crazier Religion?

January 23, 2012

Aloha, friends.

If you asked the average person, they could probably name no more than ten religions.  But the fact is that there are thousands of religions all over the world.

And I’m not the judgmental type.  I’m respectful of other cultures and beliefs that are different from my own…

Yes, there are people who worship this guy.

…But there are some crazy, flat out stupid religions out there.  Forget Scientology or Baha’i.  They are just barely scratching the depths of crazy.  And I know that I believe that a Jewish rabbi was born as the Son of God 2,000 years ago and rose from the dead after being executed on a cross, and that sounds kind of crazy on the surface, but these religions will make even Christian beliefs seem perfectly normal.

Are you ready?  Let’s take a little tour of a few of the crazy religions you could be joining.

May the Force Be with You

Guess what, Star Wars geeks.  Your geekery can now consume your entire existence.  You knew this had to be out there, and here it is, the Temple of the Jedi Order.  While the website clarifies that members will not learn to choke people with their mind, and they are all about peace and harmony, which is great, and they are not affiliated with George Lucas, and they are not role playing (something they have probably had to tell their moms about a hundred times), the simple fact remains that the first words on their website say “We are real Jedi!”  This kind of cancels out any chance of being taken seriously, at all.

They have created a real religion from a series of movies from the 70s and that makes them idiots and my religion is better than theirs.

Who Doesn’t Love Pirates?

Probably the newest religion in the world was just recognized last month in Sweden.  It is called Kopomism, and it is a religion whose central sacrament is digital piracy.  The leader, a 19 year old, had to apply to the state three times to achieve official religious protection.

Look, turds, you can wax philosophical all day long about the “holy sacredness” of information and the importance of freely sharing information, but you’re just a bunch of tools who are playing pirated copies of video games because your moms don’t give you enough allowance to afford the retail copy.  You’re the reason the half-wits in Congress annually introduce crappy legislation like SOPA.

Ha!  I win, and so does Jesus.

Religion is Always Better with Aliens

The Aetherius Society was formed by Dr. George King.  Being a “doctor” sounds prestigious, but his esteemed credentials also included: yoga instructor, supposed spiritual healer, and…wait for it…UFO contactee.  I could elaborate on their practices of meditation, and their worship of Mother Earth, and their attempt to send “energy” back to Mother Earth as some kind of worthless offering, but the fact is anyone with any sense should know that they are in trouble when they follow a religion founded by a guy who claims to have talked to aliens.

Another religion vanquished.  I am unstoppable.

A Whiter Messiah than Jesus

This last one is just sad in its absurdity.  Since the 60s, the tribal people of Vanatu, a remote island off of Austraila’s coast, have regarded Prince Philip, the wrinkly old white guy who lives with the Queen of England, as basically their Jesus.  Apparently, they had an old legend about a pasty-faced mountain spirit who traveled far away to marry a powerful lady, and would some day return.  When the royal couple visited the island, Prince Philip fit the bill.  While Jesus brought people healing and miracles, the Prince brought the tribesmen a signed photo of himself holding a gun.  The Prince Philip Movement is still going strong.

But at least we don’t have their evangelists knocking on our doors, asking, “Do you have a personal relationship with Prince Philip?”

That’s going to do it for today.  What’s the most obscure religion you’ve ever run into?  In our politically correct, completely accepting culture, is it still okay to say that a religion is crazy?  What if I make poking fun at religions my religion?  Then you have to accept it!

28 responses to Need a New, Crazier Religion?

  1. The Church of the Brian: humm dimmalima shankular hondaduva kik laputona gedged…

    If you can’t interpret that you can’t join. We are proud to be insider focused and we’re the only ones going to heavakocku.

  2. Matt, you are so narrow minded. Have you tried praying to Prince Philip? Sincerely, The Prince Philip Movement sounds like a particular time the old boy was blocked up and finally found relief.

    I read recently there are more than 35,000 recognized religions. I don’t know if that is reliable but there seem to be more. I also read about a sect in the late 1800’s whose leader taught prophecy that came to her written on an egg laid by a special hen. She was later caught “pre-loading” the scripture into the chicken.

    • That number sounds reasonable to me, especially if you count different sects as separate religions. There are tens of thousands of denominations of Christianity alone (and it makes sense to count them as distinct because they make mutually exclusive claims about the nature of God and how to live accordingly).

  3. To be fair, I think that the “Jedi Religion” is a gigantic troll to the world. It’s a big joke, really, to show the absurdity of religions.

    They fight for their right to practice Jediism, but I don’t think they really believe it’s real. About 70,000 australians declared themselves to be Jedi in 2001, and if you read the wikipedia article, it’s really just a big joke.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jediism

  4. This makes for some interesting reading.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jedi_census_phenomenon#Australia

    It shows the percentages of people that list the Jedi religion on their census forms. It’s a worldwide phenomenon, and supposedly people put it there to make fun of the government or to protest the inclusion of a question about religious affiliation.

  5. The Prince Philip Movement is just one example of a Cargo Cult. There are others… surprisingly even on the same island. Check out John Frum–http://www.smithsonianmag.com/people-places/john.html

    These go to show our need for something to believe in. If we aren’t introduced to God, we’ll make something up just to fill the hole. Makes me wonder if these people are more, or less, open to the gospel because of their beliefs.

  6. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster – you know, the ones that wear a metal colander on their head at the airport.

    http://www.venganza.org

    In the end, it is really sad when so much of the world was turned to Christianity over the centuries, only to be kept as a religion, and not as the powerful, spirit-filled movement that it was intended to be.

    Christianity is about power, not about talk. The reason all of this other stuff continues to proliferate is that for so many, Christianity is simply a philosophy to be debated. :(

  7. This is unfortunate. In reality, Satan has been able to start other religions besides the originals (I include Judaism here), but then perverts it so much that not only are there other “real” religions out there, but also these out of their minds stuff like this (and the one referenced by David above). It looks like the tactic is to simply reduce religion itself to mere craziness in the hopes that people will shun Christianity too.

  8. I have to say I was pretty flabbergasted reading this post. You’re right to call out groups like the Jedi for supposedly believing in something that was obviously created fiction. But the real difference between these religions and yours (and other big, more popular ones today) is that these ones are new enough that we know some things for certain about their origins, while yours is old enough that the origins are obscured by history.

    Have you heard of the “outsider test for faith”? It’s a popular idea but has been popularized under that name by John Loftus, a former evangelical preacher. The basic idea is, it’s easy to look at another religion and explain why it fails reasonable standards of evidence for belief. Can you look at your own religion as an outsider and apply that same critical examination, and judge it to pass?

    So Dan Smith (above) is a little bit right when he says “the tactic is to simply reduce religion itself to mere craziness” — people who take part in parody religions like the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster are trying to make a point. The point is, why do you reject this religion as obviously crazy, but not others? What is it about our claims that is so much harder to swallow than theirs? If you say that extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence, why not hold your own religion to that same standard?

  9. Huh… interesting. Maybe I’ll check out becoming a Jedi…

  10. The real Jedis was news to me. I had no idea.

    I had seen on tv once, (this was a comedy show and a cartoon of course), but they were talking about a church where they worship Fonzi from Happy Days.

    Wouldn’t that be something if it really existed?

    In this day and age I wouldn’t be surprised.

  11. While we ought not ever judge anyone’s salvation, we have a perfect right to critique other religions. Even those who call themselves Christians who have deviated from the gospel.

    We ought lovingly and respectfully let these folks know (if we cross their path) that there is One who has come and died for them, and who desires to make them His own and pull them out of the grave and give them new life when they’ll need it again.

    And that someone is Christ Jesus and Him alone.

    And then let the chips fall where they may, and pray that the Lord will use our poor words for His purposes.

    My 2 cents. Thanks.

    • But they’ll just reply that the Flying Spaghetti Monster has touched them with His Noodly Appendage, and the FSM alone is the One True deity. Will that convert you to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster? I assume no …

      Just stating your religious beliefs won’t (or, shouldn’t) change anyone’s mind. They know what Christianity is. They just don’t believe it to be true.

      I would recommend that you articulate to them what it is about their beliefs that leads you to find them false, and then explain what reasons and evidence you have confirming the tenets of Christianity.

      • Yes, I agree with you.

        Each case will be diffeent.

        I do believe that catching someone in their pain and grief is a good time to hand Christ over to them.

        There is real power in the Word.

        Jesus told us not to worry about it when someone rejects Him. He pretty much told us to move on. But I do think it’s different with people that we know.

  12. When I was in junior high and into my first year of high school, I was fairly anti-Christian. I wasn’t anti-spiritual, and I looked into a lot of different religions and spiritual practices, like Buddhism, astrology, and even witchcraft, actually. As a joke, and to possibly tick off a Christian acquaintance, I also invented a religion with a friend of mine, who was actually an atheist. Essentially, we worshipped the Beatles. This was in 1994. Smirk. Anyway, I, perhaps surprisingly enough, accepted Christ later that year and haven’t looked back since.

    But I suppose you can now add veneration of The Beatles to your list of truly stupid religions, as the creator of that religion agrees that it is stupid. 😉

  13. Hah, I put my own website in wrong. I am awesome at the social media thing.

  14. I know someone who is a wiccan, though that isn’t an obscure religion. I would consider Trekkies to be a religion, though I might be confusing them with Trekkers. When I was a freshman in college, one of my roommates told me the distinction, but that was 20+ years ago and I forgot. She was the type of fan who knew all the background information, special guest stars in each episode of the original series and could give ALL of that information within 5 seconds of the introduction. She also had a poster of the complete cross-section of the U.S.S. Enterprise hanging in her room. I went with her to watch the movie where they blew up the Enterprise the first time. We went out for consolation beers after the movie ended and it took her a while to get over the shock. Of course, I am the same way with “Lord of the Rings” and “The Princess Bride” and even “Contact” because I love listening to the movie commentaries. The funniest commentary ever, for a complet shift to another topic, IMHO is listening to Mr. Lundt and Larry the Cucumber commentary to “Jonah”, especially if you live or have lived anywhere near Chicago.

  15. I like the Jedi’s disclaimer about not choking people with their minds. Because that’s probably the first think I’d wonder when I met someone who told me they received special powers from Yoda.

  16. Is there a religion for carrots? If so, please write back! I want to know!

  17. Is there a religion for carrots? If so, please write back! I want to know!

  18. I like how he lists all sorts of religions that he claims are ‘crazy,’ then immediately changes tactics and says that his religion is best. Ever stop to think that EVERY religious person says the same in regards to their own religions? Congrats on your failure, sir.

  19. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Church_of_Maradona

    An Argentinian ‘church’ who worships Diego Maradona, arguably one of the most talented footballers (soccer players) ever. Who’s also known for one of the most famous incidents of cheating in the history of sport, the ‘Hand of God Goal’ in the 1986 World Cup. And being thrown out of the 1994 World Cup for doping. And being a drug and alcohol abuser.