I’m writing a romantic comedy.
I know, I know. It’s going to be difficult. After all, romantic comedies are the pinnacle of cinematic achievement.
Plus, the market is already saturated with such diverse gems as Friends with Benefits, No Strings Attached, Crazy Stupid Love, and Winnie the Pooh.
But I finally figured out how to write the perfect romantic comedy, with a formula so foolproof, it will blow away everything else in theaters…
The Perfect Romantic Comedy
You may be saying, “Why on earth do we need another romantic comedy?” I admit, I was asking myself this question too.
Now, I can enjoy a romantic comedy as much as the next guy (if you count District 9 as a “Rom-Com.”) But the fact is the last decent romantic comedy was It Happened One Night, which was the Best Picture of 1934. In that movie, Clark Gable brazenly ignores Claudette Colbert, except to occasionally ridicule her (because that’s how men showed affection), until she could no longer resist his manly indifference to her and fell desperately in love with him. If you have never watched it, you probably have very little comprehension of real human love.
In contrast, today’s romantically deprived women subsist on a thin gruel of haphazard movies and Cosmopolitan magazines. But after painstaking research, I’ve cracked the code to the modern romantic comedy. It’s deceptively simple, as it has only two indispensable elements:
The Perfect Man
The first key to a successful romantic comedy is to craft the “perfect” man. This will be the hook that lures women to the theaters. The perfect man is a piece of propaganda that does all things “perfect” men do, like dress metrosexually, talk about their feelings
The Perfect Man either tricks women into thinking such men exist in real life, setting them on a never-ending quest of unhappiness, or it’s an escapist fantasy for a couple of hours. Then women return home to their men, who wear Hawaiian shirts, never know what women are thinking, and rarely have perfectly scripted lines of romantic dialogue.
You probably knew that element already. It’s the obvious one. People have even called it “romantic pornography.” The idea is that Rom-Coms distort womens’ views on how men should look and act.
But this next one may surprise you.
The Woman of Every Man’s Dreams
The female characters in the movies this summer are a new breed.
In two identical movies this summer, No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits, the setup is pretty obvious. A pair of platonic friends introduce sex into the relationship, without all the useless, archaic “emotion” that goes with it.
What’s the message?
That’s it’s okay for liberated, empowered women to have casual, emotionally detached sex. Sure, it’ll make things messy, but it won’t hurt anyone. News flash: women have been allowed to do that for quite some time, but I’ve never met a healthy woman who engaged in uncommitted, emotionless sexual relationships.
This new kind of female character actually sounds a lot like the “women” in the pornography that men watch. Think about it. A pornographic image is the perfect casual, emotionless hook-up. It never says no. It never needs flowers or dinner or romance. It’s always waiting, eager and ready…immediately. Ironically, pornography tricks men into fantasizing about an image that looks like a woman, but acts more like a man. Creepy, huh?
So these “empowered,” “enlightened” female movie characters subtly tell young women that they don’t need emotional fulfillment or commitment. Now that women are liberated from the doom of unwanted pregnancies, and the need for financial support, they don’t need men. They really just need sex. Yay, feminism!
Essentially, girls, it’s okay to act like a pornographic image. If women buy that message, it should be a dream come true for a new generation of men who’ve been taught by their own pornography to objectify women. So much for women’s liberation.
What do you think? Have you seen any of the movies this summer? What’d you think of them? Are Rom-Coms harmless fun, or are they a little bit more sinister than they let on?