Well, we’re just a day away from the BIG one.
Yep, Jesus is coming back on Saturday. Be sure to set your Tivo.
It’s not really worth making fun of the people at Family Radio who believe the Bible “guarantees” Saturday is the day of Christ’s return, though I learned why Saturday is the “guaranteed” day. Supposedly, Noah had seven days to warn people about the flood. (I thought he had, like, 40 years while he was building the ark, but whatever.) And then they skip all the way over to 2 Peter where he says that with the Lord, a “day is like a thousand years.” Since they know the exact day of the flood (by counting the generations in Genesis), they presume that Christ will come back 7,000 years after the flood, which is tomorrow. That’s it in a nutshell. Not exactly Google’s algorithm, but it’ll do.
You know, whether Jesus is coming back tomorrow or not, our lives are literally hanging by a thread already. We could get hit by a meteor at any time. The magnetic field of the earth is way overdue to reverse. Anything could happen in the twinkling of an eye, and it’s all over.
So this weekend, I’m thinking about what I’d do if I really believed my time here was very limited…besides build a bomb shelter.
Bucket List Item #8: EPIC WIN!
I left this phrase out of my recent post on horrible cliches, but you’ve no doubt heard people saying “EPIC WIN” constantly. And if something isn’t an EPIC WIN, it’s EPIC FAIL. The only thing that is EPIC FAIL about that phrase is the grammar involved. Our school children actually believe FAIL is a noun, people.
In our culture, we’re constantly looking for WIN, and it’s not really a good enough WIN unless it’s EPIC. Not only is the overuse of the word “epic,” EPIC STUPID, most things in the world simply aren’t EPIC. If the only two categories you use to look at the world are EPIC WIN and EPIC FAIL, then you are missing out on 99% of the world.
So, if I really wanted to live like I knew my time on Earth was short, first, I’d eat a panda-burger…served to me by a koala bear butler. Then, I’d stop looking for EPIC WINS all the time, while ignoring everything else. I’d celebrate the small WINs in my life, the kind of WINs that won’t change my life in the long run, but make today quite a bit more better.
Bucket List Item #17: Don’t Change the World
Everyone wants to change the world. From the time we are in diapers, we are told that we can all change the world, the future is ours, blah, blah, blah. We grow up to be a bunch of sappy idealists by college, which is fine because, much like diaper babies, most modern college students have few responsibilities or abilities to form coherent words.
The problem is that after college, we all want cars and houses, so we get mortgages and jobs to pay student loans, and then we begin to loathe ourselves because we “sold out” or started working for “the man,” or became “Republicans,” and we feel we never lived up to our potential to change the world.
Well, so what? I probably never had the potential to change the whole world in the first place. So if I really wanted to live like my time was short, first I’d open a gym, which I would call “The Gun Show,” and quietly chuckle each morning on the drive to work. Then, I’d stop trying to change the whole world, and see if I could change one person’s world. Given the choice between failing at changing the world, and being successful at changing one seven-billionth of the world, I choose the latter.
Bucket List Item #32: Be More Like Val Kilmer
You read that right. I cannot tell you how much of my life I have wasted seeking the approval of others, gauging my success by their opinions. They could be people I don’t know, or don’t even really respect. Maybe you’re the same way. Living for others’ opinions keeps us in fear, robs us of the drive to do great things, and distracts us from the feelings and opinions of people we actually care about most.
By contrast, observe Val Kilmer, pictured stage left. Does he look like he cares what you think? Hecks no! He’s Val Kilmer, and he can prance around however he wants and he knows there is nothing you can do about it. Val Kilmer doesn’t care that you didn’t see the ten movies he was in last year (yes, ten) because he already knows he’s great and doesn’t need your approval.
So, if I really wanted to live like my time on Earth was short, first I’d drink some champagne out of a woman’s shoe while wearing a sash that says “Mayor” and laying on a bed covered in Monopoly money. Then, I’d limit my approval rating to the people I care about most.
Let’s hear it from you. What would you do, serious or otherwise, if you really wanted to live as if your time on Earth was very limited? I guess I’ll see you on the other side, whether that means I’ll see you on Monday, or at the bottom of a gaping crack in the Earth that opened up over the weekend. We’ll see.