My Goals For the End of the World

May 20, 2011

Well, we’re just a day away from the BIG one.

Yep, Jesus is coming back on Saturday.  Be sure to set your Tivo.

It’s not really worth making fun of the people at Family Radio who believe the Bible “guarantees”  Saturday is the day of Christ’s return, though I learned why Saturday is the “guaranteed” day.  Supposedly, Noah had seven days to warn people about the flood. (I thought he had, like, 40 years while he was building the ark, but whatever.)  And then they skip all the way over to 2 Peter where he says that with the Lord, a “day is like a thousand years.”  Since they know the exact day of the flood (by counting the generations in Genesis), they presume that Christ will come back 7,000 years after the flood, which is tomorrow.  That’s it in a nutshell.  Not exactly Google’s algorithm, but it’ll do.

You know, whether Jesus is coming back tomorrow or not, our lives are literally hanging by a thread already.  We could get hit by a meteor at any time.  The magnetic field of the earth is way overdue to reverse.  Anything could happen in the twinkling of an eye, and it’s all over.

So this weekend, I’m thinking about what I’d do if I really believed my time here was very limited…besides build a bomb shelter.

Bucket List Item #8: EPIC WIN!

I left this phrase out of my recent post on horrible cliches, but you’ve no doubt heard people saying “EPIC WIN” constantly.  And if something isn’t an EPIC WIN, it’s EPIC FAIL.  The only thing that is EPIC FAIL about that phrase is the grammar involved.  Our school children actually believe FAIL is a noun, people.

In our culture, we’re constantly looking for WIN, and it’s not really a good enough WIN unless it’s EPIC.  Not only is the overuse of the word “epic,” EPIC STUPID, most things in the world simply aren’t EPIC.  If the only two categories you use to look at the world are EPIC WIN and EPIC FAIL, then you are missing out on 99% of the world.

So, if I really wanted to live like I knew my time on Earth was short, first, I’d eat a panda-burger…served to me by a koala bear butler.  Then, I’d stop looking for EPIC WINS all the time, while ignoring everything else.  I’d celebrate the small WINs in my life, the kind of WINs that won’t change my life in the long run, but make today quite a bit more better.

Bucket List Item #17: Don’t Change the World

Everyone wants to change the world.  From the time we are in diapers, we are told that we can all change the world, the future is ours, blah, blah, blah.  We grow up to be a bunch of sappy idealists by college, which is fine because, much like diaper babies, most modern college students have few responsibilities or abilities to form coherent words.

The problem is that after college, we all want cars and houses, so we get mortgages and jobs to pay student loans, and then we begin to loathe ourselves because we “sold out” or started working for “the man,” or became “Republicans,” and we feel we never lived up to our potential to change the world.

Well, so what?  I probably never had the potential to change the whole world in the first place.  So if I really wanted to live like my time was short, first I’d open a gym, which I would call “The Gun Show,” and quietly chuckle each morning on the drive to work.  Then, I’d stop trying to change the whole world, and see if I could change one person’s world. Given the choice between failing at changing the world, and being successful at changing one seven-billionth of the world, I choose the latter.

Bucket List Item #32: Be More Like Val Kilmer

You read that right.  I cannot tell you how much of my life I have wasted seeking the approval of others, gauging my success by their opinions.  They could be people I don’t know, or don’t even really respect.  Maybe you’re the same way.  Living for others’ opinions keeps us in fear, robs us of the drive to do great things, and distracts us from the feelings and opinions of people we actually care about most.

By contrast, observe Val Kilmer, pictured stage left.  Does he look like he cares what you think?  Hecks no!  He’s Val Kilmer, and he can prance around however he wants and he knows there is nothing you can do about it.  Val Kilmer doesn’t care that you didn’t see the ten movies he was in last year (yes, ten) because he already knows he’s great and doesn’t need your approval.

So, if I really wanted to live like my time on Earth was short, first I’d drink some champagne out of a woman’s shoe while wearing a sash that says “Mayor” and laying on a bed covered in Monopoly money.  Then, I’d limit my approval rating to the people I care about most.

Let’s hear it from you.  What would you do, serious or otherwise, if you really wanted to live as if your time on Earth was very limited?  I guess I’ll see you on the other side, whether that means I’ll see you on Monday, or at the bottom of a gaping crack in the Earth that opened up over the weekend.  We’ll see.

26 responses to My Goals For the End of the World

  1. Hi Matt,

    What would I do today if I were sure this world would end tomorrow?

    Same thing I did yesterday.

    Except maybe I’d eat two donuts for breakfast.


  2. Just curious, is that Australian time or American? Just curious coz I’m in Australia and we’ll be one of the first. I’ll let you know how it turns out.
    Mike recently posted..What Cheeses Me Off- Baby Facebook Pages

  3. haha, I didn’t realize that was the reason why people believe tomorrow is the end. I’m wondering what Noah has to do with the rapture and how they know the exact date of the flood and how our calendar system works, etc.

    Yeah, anyways Val Kilmer is awesome because he was in a god awful batman movie.

    I think I would have a really special Lord’s supper with my wife and children. Because celebrating the Lord like that would be awesome. Wait…I don’t have to only do that because of the end of the world! *Goes to the store to buy some bread and wine :)
    Charlie Chang recently posted..291 Shaking the Etch-a-Sketch

  4. If time was short – let’s say 7 days for the world – hmmm. Because I am going to heaven, I don’t need to spend all that time with my family, they’ll be there. It is not enough time to see the world. I would go local like F1 Boston where we trade paint in the go-karts. I would go and drive like 130 mph on the Interstate and see what my Si can really do. I might tell my neighbor he really is a jerk, go and test drive some exotic cars, catch a Bruins game live, eat Kentucky Fried chicken, take some poor people out to eat at the best place in town, and do the regular stuff like talking to those I encounter about the real Jesus.

    I really think that the day and hour people are idiots. The Bible says that we will know the season. Of course I wrote a blog on it.

    BTW – I am wearing jeans and t-shirt as well as clean underwear, I already have my ticket.
    David recently posted..Its Not Okay to Use A Toaster Oven in the Bathtub

  5. Wow…i’m kinda speechless to how these people think the world will end tomorrow…i’m a little more interested in what they will be doing “Sunday morning”….What station is there radio show?…I kinda curious to listen in on Monday…

    I would most likely grill up so Fajitas at home, thank God for 28 wonderful years. And watch my son and daughter ride their cool gator powerwheel in the backyard…
    Arny recently posted..Weekend For Thought 7 – In Sickness and in Problems

  6. So my 8-wk-old slept until about 4:30 this morning (after going to sleep around 11-ish – talk about an EPIC WIN!). But then after feeding her, I couldn’t get back to sleep. I’m sure I dozed some between 4:30 and 8 when the “big” kids got up, but I didn’t sleep.

    So while normally I’m sure I’d have something profound to say at this juncture, right now all I want for the end of the world is a nap!

    But to brag/tell on my husband for a second, we were watching “The Bucket List” on tv a week or so ago and afterwards I asked him what he’d put on his list. His reply, “Kiss the 2nd most beautiful girl in the world.” Suck up. ;p
    Princess Leia recently posted..Shoeboxes!

  7. OK, the Val Kilmer thing made me smile.
    Jason recently posted..Day 139- The guilt of relaxation

  8. I have two packages of ground turkey and one whole chicken in the freezer that will spoil if the apocalypse happens tomorrow, so I suppose the answer is I’d invite people over for turkey tacos and roasted chicken. My Momma always said wasting food is a sin. I’d hate for my life to end on a sour note.
    Helen recently posted..Road Trip

  9. Well the end of the world is pretty epic. So I think Sunday morning will qualify as an EPIC FAIL, grammerically correct or not.

    I’d rock like Val Kilmer too. Or Nic Cage. That’s a tough choice.

    • Oh man, Nic Cage. Talk about a guy who doesn’t give a crap what you think. That guy is rocking it to the core. I saw his grave plot in New Orleans. It’s in one of those really old cemeteries full of the vaults. His is a giant pyramid – like out of “National Treasure.” Even when he’s dead, he’s not going to care what you think!

  10. I guess if the end comes tomorrow, I will be up in heaven surrounded by Rugby players and fans of, as I am working a 12 hour day tomorrow at the USA Rugby Championships.LOL Look for a rowdy bunch on the streets that are golden, thats where the party will be!

  11. Hmm, I would be tempted to go out and sin like crazy til 11:59 p.m.
    Then come home and repent like crazy.
    Then knock on the door of your bomb shelter.
    So…exactly what time tomorrow does the world end? How much time do I have to find you and your shelter?

  12. Shouldn’t it be 7?

    And I know this sounds like a suck up answer, but I would volunteer teaching English at a homeless shelter and ESL in a local neighborhood with Burmese refugees.I meet new people and have great conversations/stories to tell that way,but I couldn’t afford the time or gas to do so yet. So, yeah, even with the clock running down I’d want to build new relationships.

  13. I would ALSO live like Val Kilmer – great list item. I wouldn’t worry about calories, only about how much cheese is appropriate before dinner.

    P.S. I pictured your cartoon avatar wearing that sash and drinking your drank and I felt uncomfortable. So I stopped.
    Jamie recently posted..The Post About The Birds Who Carry Your Email Away

  14. If my time on earth was limited I would fill my schedule with lunch/dinner dates with my friends. And when I wasn’t eating I would play video games with my son. And I most definitely would not go to work. Who cares about getting fired?
    M. Smith recently posted..Wimpy Worship

  15. I am going to respond to some people in my online class while my wife goes to a teacher workshop for the school district for which she has been working (we are waiting to see if she gets a contract with the district for next year). Christ may be returning, but due to a technical snafu my last paper in my most recent class was not submitted. I therefore got a zero on the paper. I am not taking any chances this week!
    Daniel M. Klem recently posted..Expectant Religion

  16. Well…I was actually raptured last night around 8:30 pm.

    Got up there around 8:40 (it’s further than you’d think)

    They threw me back at 8:41.
    Steve Martin recently posted..Oh that…

  17. Well…I was actually raptured last night around 8:30 pm. That guy is rocking it to the core. Have a good weekend. So my 8-wk-old slept until about 4:30 this morning (after going to sleep around 11-ish – talk about an EPIC WIN!).