“I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.” – Elayne Boosler
Happy freaking Valentine’s Day.
I promised that for the big pink and red day, Love Month here would have a special feature. Today, I don’t want to talk about love at all. Because I know how you singles feel. I know how you feel ignored, and I would be remiss to ignore you. I’ve set aside today especially for you, to talk all about being single. But not just that, how to be good at being single. (Don’t worry, you marrieds may still get something out of this too.)
To help me with that, I found Lindsey Nobles. I met Lindsey a couple of years ago at Catalyst. She’s a super-charged girl who works for Thomas Nelson publishers, writes a blog that I read all the time, and writes genuinely and honestly about the joys and struggles of being single. I consider her to be the best when it comes to single-lady-Christian-bloggers…if there is such a category. If there isn’t, then there should be.
First of all, tell us a little bit about yourself – who and where you are, and what you do with yourself.
I work at Thomas Nelson (world’s largest Christian publisher) as Director of Corporate Communications. I realize that when I say this most people have no idea what I do, candidly sometimes I have no idea what I do, and I’ve done it for three years. But my boss, Michael Hyatt, would say I’m responsible for anything that will increase the visibility of Thomas Nelson. So that’s what I try to do. I was born and raised in Dallas, Texas. Spent my collegiate years at the University of Colorado. And made it to Nashville via Birmingham, Alabama. I blog and twitter.
Well guest posting for me will certainly raise awareness of Thomas Nelson…or not. Anyway, I imagine many people tiptoe around the topic of marriage with single people, wondering why “it” hasn’t happened yet. Kind of the same way people do with childless married people. What’s your experience been?
I have friends that ignore it. I have friends that seem to know just what I should be doing and feeling…like if they were running my life I wouldn’t be in this “predicament.” And I have friends who pray for me, listen to me, and gently encourage me.
You’ve hinted on your blog at mistakes you’ve made in dating, (like giving a guy too much of your heart too fast). What kinds of dating traps do you think people fall into that make singleness better than being in a relationship?
I grew up thinking that I would graduate from college, find a good job, and get married. Over the course of my college years, I dated two boys seriously and considered marrying each of them. Neither of them were right (actually they both were very wrong) for me but I was terrified of going at it alone. Now that I found my independence, I wonder if I will ever find someone who appreciates the woman I have become.
I’ve seen a lot of women go well into their 30s or 40s as singles, but many of them don’t “embrace” singleness. Getting a guy becomes their only goal in life, though they wonder if they are “good enough” for a guy to marry. What advice would you give these women on how to experience and embrace healthy singleness?
Honestly I don’t know if I am the picture of “healthy singleness.” I have days, weeks where I am just over this season and so ready to find the person I am going to marry. But over the last few years I have focused on building a life full of friends who challenge me and pursuing interests that fulfill me. I have stopped waiting for a husband to begin my life.
I think you’re probably on the right track. If more of us learned how to be “good” at being single, we’d probably be better at being married.
You’ve also mentioned your distaste for those groups of single women who just sit around and complain that there are no good men. Are they cursing themselves to more singleness?
I think a lot of single women are miserable to be around. And if I think that, I imagine that single men think that as well. Those women need to learn to be content in who they are, or at least start faking it until they do 😉
How well do you think people, churches, or married couples deal with their single friends? I know you’ve gotten a lot of “useful” advice from people who are trying to be helpful (especially at those super-fun wedding parties.) How can churches and married people better minister to singles?
I understand why churches have such a hard time ministering to or counseling singles, especially singles who are older. Most pastors get married and start their families early. They can’t really understand what it is like to walk in our shoes. And so there are a lot of hard conversations about sex, dating, and singleness that get pushed under the rug.
That’s it from Lindsey. Be sure to visit her blog, but before you do, tell us what kind of single person you were (or are.) Were you “good” at being single, or did you try to get it over with as quickly as possible? Did you curse, or love your single life?