I’ll admit, this year I’m slacking on the Christmas letter writing. Partly because any and everything anyone would care to know about me is on Facebook. I was even considering just printing out my Facebook profile and sending that to all our friends and relatives.
But, letter writing is one of those timeless traditions that should not be left behind, and I am determined to keep it alive, so I’m here to help you craft the perfect letters to send to the people you don’t quite love enough to visit in person for the holidays.
Your Christmas letter is something like your resume for the year. By reading your letter, people should feel that you had an amazing year, and they just can’t stack up. Everything about gratuitously large house purchases, job promotions, or amazing children should be detailed ad nauseum.
Now you may be saying that you don’t have anything to brag about, or maybe your children made terrible decisions that have embarassed you this year. Well, who doesn’t have an off year once in a while? Let’s say your teenage daughter managed to birth two children from seperate guys outside of wedlock this year. You can either: not mention it, be totally honest about it, or my favorite: harmlessly embellish it. For example, just replace “babies” with “scholarships,” and “Pizza Hut drivers” with “ivy league colleges.”
Relatives that you only see on occasion are vitally interested in the intimate details of the health of your body parts, including but not limited to: teeth, skin, colon, feet, weight gain or mucous. By reading your Christmas letter, your readers should feel that they are having a colonoscopy right alongside you. And hey, not every medical story is a problem. There are miracles to share! Everyone appreciates knowing that your sweet little girl is now a woman, so they can treat her accordingly at the next family gathering.
Make it Current
Chances are, everyone on your Christmas list agrees with your politics, so don’t be shy about dropping an Obama or Palin reference in to liven things up.
Love, Sarcastic Clapping Family
Remember “sarcastic clapping family,” the family that claps slowly and sarcastically to “congratulate” their relatives? Say you’re not that proud of your family’s meager accomplishments. Just include them anyway, as if it’s a big accomplishment. For example: “Dave decided to celebrate his fortieth birthday by having his mid-life crisis! Dave’s treated himself to a new sports car, a reward for all of the “pro-bono” work he’s been doing lately. Meanwhile, Timmy was honored to recieve his “participation” ribbon at his school’s field day events. We have it hanging on the wall above the fireplace.”
If you’ve done everything right…
…your letter should look something like this:
Well, it’s certainly been a wonderful year in our home. After months of searching, we finally settled on a new home for our growing family. At just $525,000, it was a real steal. Doesn’t everyone love bargain hunting? Of course, we’ve hardly had time to unpack, since we spent six months bushwhacking through Nepal, in search for rare religious totems to sell on eBay. But I guess you have to pay the bills somehow, right?
The kids have sure been busy. It seems like just yesterday, our little princess was pooping in the kiddie pool. This year, she got what I believe the kids call a “tramp stamp,” and keeps insisting that it’s her body and she’ll do what she wants with it. Oh, they grow up so fast. We don’t always see eye to eye, but we love her, zits and all.
Of course, we’re still a bit of a health nut family. Mike had some skin tags removed, and Paula had her annual check-up with her “lady doctor.” Don’t worry, everything’s still in tip-top shape! Something else for Mike to be thankful for. Mike got hit by a Mercedes a few months ago, but he’s okay now.
Has anyone else been watching “Dancing with the Stars?” That Bristol Palin is certainly as graceful as her mother!
Well, we have certainly enjoyed telling you about our recent existences. We just want to note that we haven’t been to any Christmas parties this year, because none of you have invited us. We are literally free every weekend in December, including Christmas morning, should you be planning a party. Should you invite us, we will have many more colorful anecdotes about our amazing lives.
Do you send the Christmas letter, just a card, or one of those picture cards? Have you ever recieved a letter with way too much information? How else do you make the “perfect” Christmas letter?