Hey everyone. I hope you had a really great holiday, and I’m glad to be back.
And now that the Christmas season is in full swing, and the decorations are up and the shopping has begun, I have to say something…
…My family is being a huge pain.
Seriously, they haven’t really done this before. But they’re totally hosing me when it comes to Christmas lists. We all enjoy giving each other some small gift for Christmas. Hopefully, gifts are practical, meaningful, and useful, rather than total crap.
But they’re completely making that impossible this year. No one will tell me anything they want for Christmas! I grilled my brother for fifteen minutes, asking him if he even needed any tools. He said no. When his wife said he needs a shovel, he flatly denied it. Same with my parents. For the first time, I have very little to go on when it comes to Christmas shopping this year.
So today, I’m running down the list of possible gift ideas in the hopes that maybe you, my ever-helpful readers can assist me in shopping for my tight-lipped family. If they aren’t going to make a Christmas list, I guess I’ll have to.
Matt Makes a Christmas List For His Family
Gift cards have gone from being the lazy man’s Christmas gift to the lazy Christmas list maker’s wish. Can’t think of what to ask for? Just tell people that they are basically too inept to select the right items and just give you cash, but cash that only works at one place. The great thing about gift cards is the user never stays within the limit. So you’re basically giving someone a gift, minus five dollars.
Some Piece of Junk with the Reciept
If I’m going to go to the trouble to drive to the mall and get a gift card for my relative’s favorite clothing store, I’d rather just get some gaudy, oversized sparkly sparkle hot pants with the reciept. Tell me how that is not exactly like a gift card, except it requires more work to use, expires sooner, and has to be toted around in a plastic bag, and it makes me look more thoughtful?
Asking any wife what her husband needs for Christmas is bound to result in a gift that only results in more work for him. Name one way my brother’s life will be easier once he has a shovel.
Everyone needs batteries, and they run out at the most inopportune times. And God forbid you need two batteries and just have one left. Presto! Here’s the other battery, just in case. Ho ho ho!
A Coupon to See “Burlesque” with Me
I am sure I would either leave the movie blinded or with radiation poisoning, but it would be worth it to have a little “guy time” with the boys.
A Portrait of Me
I’ve still got a few very enchanting Glamor Shots, complete with the fuzzy halo effect and everything. Everyone could do with a few more family photos.
My brother asked for a ferret for ten Christmases as a kid and never got one. I figure now that he has a house, a wife, and two dogs, it’s a good time to set right this oversight and get him a large rodent.
Got this idea from Tyler Stanton. Fresh from Catalogs.com, my brother could spend Christmas afternoon perusing the delightful new products from Beauty Trends Wigs.
A Bucket of Gasoline
Just keep bucket of gas in garage or on porch. Gas prices go back up. Fill car with free bucket of gas, save a bunch of money, and I’m a freaking Christmas hero.
A Ridiculously Useful Kitchen Appliance
Have you seen the number of kitchen appliances there are that do one thing? I don’t know what I’ve been making out of tortillas and cheese in my skillet, but it must not be a quesedilla. The other day, I saw an “egg cooker.” It was shaped like an egg. What on earth were people doing before these mad scientists brought down this egg cooker from their laboratory? People must’ve been eating eggs raw, or just eating the shells, because for thousands of years, people have been unable to figure out how to cook them without an egg shaped appliance. Same goes for rice cookers.
My brother did ask that we make a charitable donation to some place in his name. Sounds noble. Except that:
1. My wife and I are already making plenty of charitable donations this Christmas. We’re saving up treasures in heaven, and I just don’t feel like giving him credit. If he wants to be really generous, he should ask me to make a charitable donation in my name.
2. Christmas gifts are, ideally, fun for at least ten minutes upon opening them.
3. He’s making me look bad, because I didn’t ask for a charitable donation. Jerk. And if I did ask for that, and we just trade charitable donations, then it’s just a contest to see who was more generous. If he thinks I’m going to let him make me look bad in front of baby Jesus, he’s got another thing coming.
Those are my ideas. What are yours? What do you do for those relatives that are impossible to shop for? What is your gift buying strategy this year?