I Want to Be the Best!

August 11, 2010

I’ve always wanted to be the best at something.

Maybe you want to be the best at something too.  But though I’ve been at it for a while, I’m still looking for the thing I can be really special at doing, and not just “special” in the condecending way.  Every time I think I’ve found my “thing” that I’m really good at, I find that there’s someone who can run circles around me and make fun of my mom while still being better than me…and that person is an eight year old.  That doesn’t seem fair. 

So, in my continuing quest to find something to be the best at, I decided to do some research, to find the people who became the best at what they do, the people who set records…really important records!  Maybe I could set a record!  I’m not sure if it gives me something to strive for, or one more thing to give up on.  You decide.

Five of the Greatest Christian World Records Ever Set

Biggest Bible Ever Written

Sunil Joseph, a Catholic in India handwrote the biggest Bible on earth.  Each of the Bible’s 7,957 verses is placed individually on each page.  Not only that, but each page is protected by a piece of rice paper, making the Bible about 16,000 pages long.  The gargantuan scriptures weigh 135 pounds!  Goo!  Not only that, but Sunil broke the record for fastest copying of the Bible, at just 123 days…well, except for a printing press, which pretty much blew his “accomplishment” out of the water a few hundred years before he was born.  But good work!

I wonder if God could write a Bible that’s so heavy, He couldn’t lift it…

So not only is the bar set really high for writing the scriptures by hand, but I’d have to try really hard to break the record for most impractical Bible ever.  I’m pretty sure that guy never wins the race at finding verses when the pastor calls them out.  Guess I need to keep looking for my new cause…

Most Swords by a Missionary Ever Eaten

Dan Meyer is a former missionary to India.  One thing let to another, and he discovered that there were fewer than a dozen professional sword swallowers left in the world, despite it being a 4,000 year old profession (the first sword swallowers’ guild was founded the Tuesday after the first callgirl service opened for business, if my memory serves.)  Seems Dan couldn’t stand to let such a proud tradition die, so he took up the mantle.  Dan holds several records, and narrowly avoided death while swallowing five swords at the same time. 

Wow.  I forfeit.  Plus, I’m not sure if you get counted as a martyr if you die by your own sword.

Longest Sermon Ever Spoken

Eric Delve of the UK, blabbed his mouth off in a street corner sermon lasting 24 hours (which is the equivalent of 120 of Joel Osteen’s carefully timed 12 minute ditties) and covering Genesis to Revelation.  During that time, he was heckled and cheered, but always had an audience.  Apparently, there was no record of longest sermon before this one was set on paper.  He just decided 24 hours was a good number to shoot for.  The good reverend nearly collapsed from exhaustion by the end.  But that would’ve been okay, as he would’ve set the record for only pastor to be put to sleep by his own sermon.

Biggest Easter Egg Ever Painted

Seems the Romainians are really into Easter eggs.  A few of them painted an egg almost 20 feet tall and almost 2 tons.  While you may think that Easter eggs have nothing to do with Jesus, the egg was painted with colors that are religiously symbolic in Romania.  And the design is sort of cross-like.  Maybe the egg should get the record for “thing that most surprisingly actually has something to do with Jesus.”  I wasn’t really thinking of painting a giant Easter egg, but after seeing that bad boy, I can say I am officially not going to even try.

Biggest Artificial Christmas Tree

Finally, the Mexicans come in with the biggest artificial Christmas tree, at 295 feet tall, and 114 feet wide.  That’s pretty impressive.  But also kind of puzzling.  The tree is red, white and blue, which aren’t Mexican colors, or Jesus colors (or are they?)  Ah, here’s the answer.  Julio Garmon directed the tree project and explains ever so succinctly, “It’s a Pepsi tree.”  Which officially earns this tree the record for “thing that most surprisingly could not have less to do with Jesus if it tried.”

Well, since handwritten Bibles and preach-o-thons are out, I guess I’d better keep searching for something I can be the best at.  What do you think the record is for most communion wafers eaten in one sitting?  Probably two, three tops.  I could beat that…maybe. 

What record could you set?  Most ruffles in a choir robe?  Most goldfish crackers stuffed in your mouth?  Biggest mystery potluck dish that no one even wants to take a sympathy scoop from?  Maybe we could band together as blog friends and set an amazing record.  What do you want to be the best at?

25 responses to I Want to Be the Best!

  1. This is a hilarious post.

    For the biggest bible, you’d probably need your own pew if you brought that to the service.

    For some reason when I read about the swords, I thought about that show “1000 ways to die” and someone swallowed an umbrella as if a sword, but it opened, and well, he died.

    The guy who preached for 24 hours probably was competing with John Wesley. He preached a lot of times on his horse for hours at a time. He’s the second sermon on the mount!


    • That’s funny. I haven’t heard of the umbrella trick, but I’ve heard of swallowing a frisbee. It involves folding the frisbee in half, smearing it with butter, getting really really mad, and then swallowing it, and then everyone around you saying “Holy crap!”

  2. First, it’s a good thing Sunil didn’t use a large print Thompson Chain Bible.

    Second, I know a lot of Christians that choked on the “sword.”

    Third, did Pastor Blab-a-lot have an alter call? I mean, where’s the fruit?

    A twenty foot Easter egg and huge Christmas tree are not that impressive. I want to see the giant Easter Bunny and Santa Clause that brought them – then I’ll believe.

    So far, my older kids voted me the most strict parent of all their friends were not pregnant or in jail. My 6-year-old voted me the “best daddy ever” right in the middle of Toy R Us! I am trying to be the best husband, but the best shot I had at that title was on the Honeymoon.

    I always wanted to be great at something – but coming to terms with my average-ness has been a gift.

  3. Ahhh….that giant bible dude picture made me laugh. Is it wrong to say copying the Bible is stupid? Because that’s what I want to say. It also makes me want to sneak in there and rearrange all those pages, so I suppose I have some growing up to do.

    Perhaps you could attempt to have the longest comment string by people whose first name starts with “J”. That came out of nowhere…

  4. I wonder how many people died from hearing Eric Delve’s 24 hour sermon. Remember that sermon that Paul preached late into the night? Eutychus fell to his death because of Paul’s rambling.

  5. The longest sermon I’ve preached including the closing prayer was close to 50 minutes. Almost every other Sunday, I’m right around 30-35. I cannot imagine speaking for 24 hours! That deserves a trademarked Hank Hill “Gaaaa!”

    Maybe it’s wrong, but I’ve sort of given up dreams of being the best. I’d be more than happy to settle for above-average in just about any area (minus sinning of course).

  6. Crazy stuff! I don’t know if I care about being the best at something, but I do care about being the best I can be. I care about doing my best at what I feel Jesus has given me to do. I care about how I am perceived, I mean I don’t want to be known as bad, awful, or “poor thing, she should just give it up.” I believe this is a point of strife for everyone, or at least for those who care about what they do. I guess just like everything else in life, it boils down to motive.

  7. A church I went to years ago tried to pop the largest box of pop-corn. We came 8″ short of doing it. :-(

  8. The best…. Most days, I’d be happy if I could remember what talent He gave me so I would share it. Or use it to earn money. SOMETHING anyway…

  9. I need to get in contact with someone. I know my pastor has gone on for longer than 24 hours…or maybe it just seems that way.

  10. Is it bad that I had the Pokemon song stuck in my head as I read your post?

  11. Hi Matt,
    Your post reminds me of an old cartoon:
    A little troll sits on a hill feeling dejected.
    A voice from a cloud asks him why.
    He says it’s because he feels so stupid; “I must be the dumbest person in the world,” he says.
    The voice says, “Maybe you deserve a prize. There’s a prize for the fastest, for the most beautiful, for the smartest–surely there’s a prize for the dumbest. Wait here while I check my records”.
    The little troll waits anxiously anticipating his prize.
    The voice in the cloud comes back and announces, “The records show you are the Forth Dumbest Person in the Universe–Sorry, prizes only go to the top three”.

  12. Another thought: Jeremiah said, “Seekest thou great things for thyself? Seek them not”.

    Why not?

    Are we graded on a curve? And, if the greatest of these is love, why not strive to be the most loving person alive today?

    Just wondering.

    PS: though I seldom comment, I read your postings everyday–

  13. Matt,
    What do you think about setting the record for the most “side-arm hugs” in a day?

  14. I was thinking maybe wearing as many WWJD wristbands as I could. Not just on my wrists, but my entire arms and up to my ankles. I’d be totally covered.

    And a blog friends writing record sounds good (I won’t wear any tiny wristbands on my fingers).

  15. “The good reverend nearly collapsed from exhaustion by the end. But that would’ve been okay, as he would’ve set the record for only pastor to be put to sleep by his own sermon.”

    Let me sheepishly put my hand up and admit to this. Thankfully, no-one noticed. They nodded off way before I did.

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