I’ve always wanted to be the best at something.
Maybe you want to be the best at something too. But though I’ve been at it for a while, I’m still looking for the thing I can be really special at doing, and not just “special” in the condecending way. Every time I think I’ve found my “thing” that I’m really good at, I find that there’s someone who can run circles around me and make fun of my mom while still being better than me…and that person is an eight year old. That doesn’t seem fair.
So, in my continuing quest to find something to be the best at, I decided to do some research, to find the people who became the best at what they do, the people who set records…really important records! Maybe I could set a record! I’m not sure if it gives me something to strive for, or one more thing to give up on. You decide.
Five of the Greatest Christian World Records Ever Set
Biggest Bible Ever Written
Sunil Joseph, a Catholic in India handwrote the biggest Bible on earth. Each of the Bible’s 7,957 verses is placed individually on each page. Not only that, but each page is protected by a piece of rice paper, making the Bible about 16,000 pages long. The gargantuan scriptures weigh 135 pounds! Goo! Not only that, but Sunil broke the record for fastest copying of the Bible, at just 123 days…well, except for a printing press, which pretty much blew his “accomplishment” out of the water a few hundred years before he was born. But good work!
I wonder if God could write a Bible that’s so heavy, He couldn’t lift it…
So not only is the bar set really high for writing the scriptures by hand, but I’d have to try really hard to break the record for most impractical Bible ever. I’m pretty sure that guy never wins the race at finding verses when the pastor calls them out. Guess I need to keep looking for my new cause…
Most Swords by a Missionary Ever Eaten
Dan Meyer is a former missionary to India. One thing let to another, and he discovered that there were fewer than a dozen professional sword swallowers left in the world, despite it being a 4,000 year old profession (the first sword swallowers’ guild was founded the Tuesday after the first callgirl service opened for business, if my memory serves.) Seems Dan couldn’t stand to let such a proud tradition die, so he took up the mantle. Dan holds several records, and narrowly avoided death while swallowing five swords at the same time.
Wow. I forfeit. Plus, I’m not sure if you get counted as a martyr if you die by your own sword.
Longest Sermon Ever Spoken
Eric Delve of the UK, blabbed his mouth off in a street corner sermon lasting 24 hours (which is the equivalent of 120 of Joel Osteen’s carefully timed 12 minute ditties) and covering Genesis to Revelation. During that time, he was heckled and cheered, but always had an audience. Apparently, there was no record of longest sermon before this one was set on paper. He just decided 24 hours was a good number to shoot for. The good reverend nearly collapsed from exhaustion by the end. But that would’ve been okay, as he would’ve set the record for only pastor to be put to sleep by his own sermon.
Biggest Easter Egg Ever Painted
Seems the Romainians are really into Easter eggs. A few of them painted an egg almost 20 feet tall and almost 2 tons. While you may think that Easter eggs have nothing to do with Jesus, the egg was painted with colors that are religiously symbolic in Romania. And the design is sort of cross-like. Maybe the egg should get the record for “thing that most surprisingly actually has something to do with Jesus.” I wasn’t really thinking of painting a giant Easter egg, but after seeing that bad boy, I can say I am officially not going to even try.
Biggest Artificial Christmas Tree
Finally, the Mexicans come in with the biggest artificial Christmas tree, at 295 feet tall, and 114 feet wide. That’s pretty impressive. But also kind of puzzling. The tree is red, white and blue, which aren’t Mexican colors, or Jesus colors (or are they?) Ah, here’s the answer. Julio Garmon directed the tree project and explains ever so succinctly, “It’s a Pepsi tree.” Which officially earns this tree the record for “thing that most surprisingly could not have less to do with Jesus if it tried.”
Well, since handwritten Bibles and preach-o-thons are out, I guess I’d better keep searching for something I can be the best at. What do you think the record is for most communion wafers eaten in one sitting? Probably two, three tops. I could beat that…maybe.
What record could you set? Most ruffles in a choir robe? Most goldfish crackers stuffed in your mouth? Biggest mystery potluck dish that no one even wants to take a sympathy scoop from? Maybe we could band together as blog friends and set an amazing record. What do you want to be the best at?