Best of My Blog: Jesus is My Perfect Girlfriend

June 23, 2010

Today, I bring you the counterpart to Monday’s post, in my countdown of the best of my blog while I’m out of town.  This post was originally inspired by reader comments.  It seemed unfair that Jesus could be the role model for perfect men, but the ladies were left out.  Plus, with so many girls claiming Jesus as their “boyfriend,” I wondered if Jesus could be a good girlfriend, if only he were a woman.  This post originally appeared May of 2009.

Jesus was a real man. We established that on Monday.  But of course, it doesn’t matter how “manly” (by our standards) Jesus really was (though he was pretty manly.) What’s important is how we represent him with our lives.

I’m glad to agree that we don’t need a hyper-masculine Jesus, because as it turns out, Jesus would’ve made a pretty fine woman too.

Jesus is a great example for guys to follow as men, as boyfriends and husbands. But where does that leave the ladies? Guess what? It looks like Jesus, if he were a chick, would make a pretty rockin’ girlfriend.  That makes sense, since he, well, created women.  Behold, Jesus’ perfect feminine mystique.

Jesus: The Perfect Woman in 5 Steps

Jesus said what he meant.

Nearly Universal Woman Problem #1: men don’t know what on earth you are talking about. It starts out early. As preteen girls see how dumb the boys are acting, they think they should act dumb too so as to not seem contradictory that they have a slogan printed on their butts. By adulthood, girls figure it’s probably okay to be able to do math, but there’s no way they’re going to give a guy a straight answer when he asks something like, ‘What’s wrong?’ Wouldn’t it just be easier to say what’s wrong than play the endless ‘Oh, nothing…’ game?

Not Jesus. First, he wasn’t afraid to show he knew his stuff. Second, when something was wrong, he called someone on it without blowing up into a hysterical screeching mess.  Now if only the guys could learn to listen…

Jesus was one of the guys.

Saying that Jesus was a guy seems counter productive to women, but that’s just how little you know about being a woman! Guys are supposed to be gentlemen, but sometimes, itches, smells or sounds are just part of being around guys. Girls, you may think you are a precious delicate flower plucked by a unicorn from a dew kissed forest glade, but guys will never appreciate that if you can’t deal with being around them. Being a “bro” is one of the most important traits a female can have.  If you choose to be a good sport and hang with hubby and friends for the big game, you should expect male things to happen and when it does, not say, “How dare you break wind in my presence, you swine! I am a LADY!” If you can’t deal with it, expect to hear a lot more of, “Bring us more sandwiches, Squaw!” If you can deal with, your stock will soar with your guy.

Jesus hung with a bunch of guys all the time. A bunch were fishermen: coarse, dirty men who were used to the freedom of the open sea. Do you think at least once, Peter or Andrew broke wind? Do you think the others may have laughed at it? Do you think Jesus squinted at them cockeyed and said, “Guys…the Son of God is present.” Buzzkill.

Jesus didn’t overstay his welcome.

Some girlfriends get way too clingy. They fall desperately in love and don’t figure out that guys need alone time. They feel they need to be the center of attention at all time. Then some of them actually trick a guy into marrying them, and they think that just because they live together, they should do everything together 24/7, like wear matching sweaters.

Jesus came to town, stayed over a few nights, and moved on when the invitation expired. He didn’t start using guys’ toothbrushes or finishing off their favorite cereal or rearranging their DVDs while they were at work. And even when he was performing a miracle, he didn’t think the world had to stop because of it! Most of the time, he did it with no fanfare and told people to keep quiet about it!

If your guy is a good one, he’ll notice you washed the dishes without you acting like you raised the dead! He may not say ‘thank you’ right away, but he’ll thank you in some way down the line.

Jesus never whined.

I’m all for helping out ladies.  But I think many guys would agree that a girl who tries to solve her own problems is a keeper.  The alternative is a girl who has a problem, and immediately interrupts her guy, who is right in the middle of a super hard level on his video game, makes him quit, and fix whatever’s wrong. Then the guy realizes he is not a real man, so he calls a real man to fix his woman’s problem.  Real women try to be problem solvers, not whiners.

Case in point: Jesus was preaching to a bunch of people, and Philip starts whining about how no one has any food, and there’s not enough money, and all they have is some lousy bread and fish. Jesus doesn’t chime in with his whining, “Oh no, whatever will we do? Mew, mew, mew!” No. He rolls up his sleeves and MAKES DINNER FOR 5,000 PEOPLE ON A MOMENT’S NOTICE! Then he serves Philip his special order “Whaaa-mburger and Cries.”

The lesson here is twofold for both guys and girls. Unless you have less than 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, don’t talk about there being nothing in the house. Dinner is served.

Jesus never nagged.

This is huge and multi-faceted. Jesus never told someone what to do, then repeated himself five minutes later. If someone wasn’t going to do what he said, he let them be failures. He didn’t go around shouting, ‘Hey, I SAID give up all your possessions and FOLLOW me! Are you even listening?’ Jesus didn’t find men and try to “change” them. He gave them enough credit to let them WANT to change on their own. If people weren’t willing to change, they weren’t worth wasting his time.

If you pass Jesus’ five tests of babe-a-liciousness, you too can be a totally rocking girlfriend or wife. So start being a real woman. Like Jesus.

What does it mean to be a real woman to you? What is the most feminine of all characteristics?

12 responses to Best of My Blog: Jesus is My Perfect Girlfriend

  1. Of course Jesus is a perfect girlfriend, we sing enough songs that act like He is in our churches every Sunday!

  2. Wow – I win! My wife is not a whiner, never interrupts me unless someone is bleeding. She gives me 30 minutes to myself to use the computer or play my guitar – even though she knows all my riffs. She taught all my girls that eye-roll in the presence of men.

    I’m a guy – but I love that fact that my wife cares about our home and keeping it clean (not crazy clean), planting flowers that smell amazing and look great as I walk from the driveway to the front door. She manages the money that way I like and my 401K went up when everyone else’s went down.

    I enjoy doing a few things for her so she can sit down after dinner and relax.

    What I like the best about her is her gentle beauty – it reminds me of the Holy Spirit. And she looks great in a dress – guys don’t!

  3. There are so many things running through my head, but I’m now too scared to say any of them. 😉

  4. Being a real woman means being perfectly capable of taking care of myself but wanting a man who *wants* to take care of me.

    The most feminine of all characteristics? Wow, that’s really hard to define so I’ll go with my first reaction: woman’s natural inclination toward compassion and nurturing behavior.

    Love from Violet, a delicate flower who simply doesn’t respond when the men burp, fart, or scratch.

  5. This post is epic. I love it.

  6. Totally amazing. And I say that even though I failed your test.

    I’m just keeping it real and being honest.

  7. Hilarious……off to read Monday’s post.

    this is good stuff.

  8. meow

  9. Once Jesus made mix tape for me, and we traded jelly bracelets, and ever since than, we were like total BFFs

    Nagging… yes that’s the most female trait.
    If you hadn’t included it, I would have thought a girl wrote this.

    Bro, Jesus nagged… Oh, my-hello! “How long must I put up with you?” (conveniently forgot that verse, yeah?…And all the repeated “oh you of little faith” NAG NAG NAG Then there’s the stuff about repenting. It’s like, “Oh Christ, will you just SHUT IT!”

    —I’ve always wondered how men like being part of the Bride…. too homo? Probably the reason so few men sing the fem-centric worship songs at our church. It’s surprising that they keep coming at all. I’ll have to remind them that you have a great case for Jesus being a chick. They’ll beat down our doors.

  10. Great thoughts! Was it CS Lewis that said that God is so masculine that the whole universe is feminine by comparison? That said, since we are made in God’s image, a woman has to be a picture of a very important part of his person. And I have often thought that the proverbs 31 woman was really a description of God. What woman could live up to it?

    Thanks for sharing good spiritual food,
    Brent recently posted..Brain Healing Technology That Works

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