Best of My Blog: How to Please Your Man

June 14, 2010

Hey everyone!  From June 14-25, I’ll be out of town on vacation, and although I’ll still be online a bit to read a few blogs and make a few comments, I’ll be having a blog break.  So, over these two weeks, I’m digging through my extensive archives, and counting down some of my favorite posts from my eighteen months of blogging.  Today’s post is a vintage Valentine’s Day post, and was the first I wrote that grabbed a ton of inadvertant Google searches, and it still gets a lot today.  I’m posting it, slightly rewritten, for those of you who may have missed it, and for my long time readers who originally commented on it.  This post originally appeared February of 2009.

278 NEW ways to please your man!

All year long, women’s interest magazines boast of dozens of “secrets” to pleasing men. 

I don’t think I have to read the magazines to know what “pleasing your man” pertains to. I think you know what it means too.  If I’m right, I also think I can give you better advice on how please your man in one word than they can give you in 278 points:

More.

That’s it. Whatever you’re doing right, do it more.

Pretty simple advice, no?

But after all these years, the millions of magazines, the hundreds of thousands of ways women have been told to please their men, it seems they still haven’t figured it out. Because these magazines still think it needs to be said. And women keep reading the articles!   Honestly, how has the human race lasted this long with no one knowing how to procreate satisfactorily?  Men don’t know what women want either, and there’s just as much being circulated in men’s magazines. But you don’t see men’s magazines up front at the check-out line. I guess if women knew what their men were reading, they would lose their motivation to please them so much.

The reason women haven’t figured it out is that magazine writers are tools most of the time. Case in point, this issue of Cosmopolitan. 293 new fashion trends? Really? How many ways are there to dress yourself? And when it comes to the mag’s advice on relationships, some woman actually takes it, and her husband inevitably responds, “Agh! What on earth are you doing?” And all she can say is, “I’m pleasing you, honey.”

You don’t need a magazine to tell you how to please your man. I got your “pleasing” right here in three steps. Three. That’s how a man does it.

Make a Sandwich

My wife and I have several pet phrases we tease each other with. One of my favorites is to yell at her to ‘make me a sandwich.’ I also call her “woman” to drive home the demand. It’s funny to us because any man, any man, no matter how inept he is in the kitchen, is able to make his own sandwich without making his wife wait on him. It just asserts his “manliness” to bark orders at others. And I’m quite adept in the kitchen, so it’s even funnier.

But seriously, make me a sandwich. And no sissy vegetables, just meat and cheese. I said sandwich, not salad.

Neck rubs in church

Pretty easy to do. It’s not like you’re doing anything else like cleaning or making a sandwich at the moment anyway. You’ll be doing those things after church and then won’t be able to give neck rubs! Don’t look at me like that; I’m just trying to help you ladies multi-task. Aren’t women always bragging about how great they are at multi-tasking?

Cancel the Magazine Subscriptions

Men also have plenty of idiotic magazines at their disposal, but I don’t read any of them because I don’t need to know how to dress like an Italian metrosexual. Unless your magazines are imparting to you a useful skill like cooking or woodworking (not hypothetical ways to please your man) you should cancel your subscriptions. I can almost bet your man will be extremely pleased to not see stacks of magazines all over the house. If you must read these, go to the bookstore, or scan them in the check-out line. Don’t bring them home. Even if you put your Redbook mags in a drawer beneath your bras and underwear, your man could find your stash, and then it’s blown.  And no, I don’t think the fact that your husband was in your underwear drawer is more of a concern.

Why should you not read magazines if you want to please your man?

1. They are expensive. First, you plunk down $5 for a magazine, then it’s 50% ads for expensive junk you don’t need and probably can’t afford, but suddenly want. These compound costs cut into a man’s budget for guns and beef jerky. Chances are, if you man is able to play with more guns and eat more jerky because you aren’t buying magazines, he will be pleased.

2. They are littered with pictures of people you don’t know! I don’t need to know what celebrities are doing at all times. They are paid to entertain me on the television or movie screen, but I probably would not enjoy their real life company. Their real life appearances in tabloids and People are like the “unrated” scenes that were cut out of a movie, then added back in for rental. Movie studios make this ploy to make teenagers think they’ll get to see some extra “unrated” skin, or hear some “unrated” words, but it’s always a disappointment. Believe me. Do you know why those “unrated” scenes were cut out of the movie to begin with? They stunk. And that’s why we shouldn’t make movies and shows about celebrities’ real lives. They stink. Cut down on the attention you pay to celebrities and pay more attention to your husband, and he will probably be pleased.

3. They spew propaganda. Unless you are reading Ranger Rick, in which case you are a child, your head is being filled with the tired and useless philosophies of the world. It’s always disguised as “tips” or “secrets.” And I haven’t read Ranger Rick in about 20 years, so maybe he’s become a cog in the machine too. Stop making dinner conversation centered around the latest advice from O magazine, and your man will probably be pleased. Just the fact that he will feel he is no longer married to you and Oprah will most definately please him.

Look at that, a three-fold way to please your man, just for doing one thing! Efficiency like that also pleases men. Funny that out of all the ways the magazines find to please your man, they never think of this one!

Ladies, you can thank me later.

Guys, what have I missed? Let’s help the ladies out. Ladies, throw us some advice too. How can we make you happy, for crying out loud?

10 responses to Best of My Blog: How to Please Your Man

  1. It’s pretty simple at my house.

    – Dress like you mean it.
    – Pick a night where there is nothing on TV and Blockbuster has delayed delivery.
    – Trick the child into bed at 8 instead of 9. (We have daylight saving stime changes at least a few times a month.)

    I always win with:

    – Kind words
    – Domestic assistance like clearing dishes
    – Unexpected flowers
    – Not watching sports
    – Coming out of my office

    I am blessed because we both like
    – Action films, and I like chic flics.
    – Lost is ended forever!
    – We like to walk and use the bike trails.
    – Date night works.

  2. I laughed so hard reading this, but also found that in your suggestions, nowhere do you suggest women are less than what they are for failing to live up to your suggestions (unlike Vogue and Redbook). For instance, as suggested in these magazines, if I don’t make that sandwich right, he’ll start finding his sandwiches somewhere else (and there’s danger of that with Subway and a Pita shop down the road–do men even eat pita’s?)

    Taking out the trash, or making dinner together while laughing and talking sure do go a long way with me.

    Thanks for the tips on the sandwich making, by the way. Only recently my dad, my brother, and my husband have reminded me that they are not rabbits, so one thin slice of lettuce is just fine with them, they really just want the meat and cheese and lots of it, so just one piece of lettuce but pile up the meat and cheese–whether it’s a sandwich…or a salad (and sprouts, forget about it!)

  3. A Woman’s View on “Pleasing Your Man”.

    Let’s not forget–a happy man is a productive man. There are 506,001 things that must be done–lawns need to be mowed, gross garbage cans need scrubbed out, oil changed, dishes washed, repairs made, furniture bought, floors stripped, basements cleaned out, cat boxes and dog poop removed, etc, etc, etc. Ladies, you do not want to do these things. Just give them their three itty-bitty things, including the “woman” part. (why not, it’s not like he’s lying, you are, in fact, a woman.) ;D

  4. Enjoy your time away- I hope that woman is making you many manly-like sandwiches at your command! 😉

  5. Ok, i could take my delightful hubby yelling, “Make me a sandwich, woman!” & we could deal with that.

    I have a much harder time when my MIL says to me, “Go make him a sandwich, Kathryn.” Ug.

    We haven’t many issues in our marriage, but what we have seem to stem from my MIL saying this to me. Real problems with “modern” living & division of labor.

    Funny post. Maybe you should post a vid, too.

  6. I’d just like to have a woman which could demand a sandwich to be made for me on command. *sniffle*

  7. Sorry, no PDA in church. The neck rubs will wind up as a post on my blog under the category “Things Couples Do to Irritate Singles at Church” or “Get a Room, Would Ya?”

  8. Excellent post. Men really are simple and straightforward. Think logically, be kind, and well, you know. 😀

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