In a week or two, thousands of high school seniors will be graduating, soon to head off to college. They’ll be preparing for the move by packing up boxes of Ramen noodles and books of graduation quotes given to them by every living relative.
However, after all the commencement speeches and well wishes, navigating life after high school can be pretty daunting. Well, I’d like to help all the seniors out there with a little graduation advice, starting with graduation itself.
Don’t look dumb at your graduation.
Granted, this is difficult given the attire. A long, flowing gown and cap with a piece of cardboard on top isn’t exactly fashionable. However, you can do a couple of things to maximize your fashion potential, like wear the cap correctly, instead of perched precariously on the back of your head. Don’t worry, everyone looks like idiots. Don’t look like more of an idiot than you must.
You can also make sure your family doesn’t look like a bunch of hillbillies. There’s usually the announcement given at the beginning of the ceremony to hold the applause until everyone’s name has been called for their diplomas, especially if the graduating class is large. And invariably, there are a couple of families who, upon hearing their brilliant child’s name called, commence shouting and sounding their airhorns as if they got lost on their way to the Nascar race.
Whenever I hear that family, I assume this is the first time they have needed to attend a high school graduation for anyone in their family. Don’t let your family look like a bunch of ignorant lunatics.
Find the old person in class.
Invariably, you will find as you begin college, that there will be one or two old people in your classes. You will be unable to avoid noticing them, because they will annoy everyone else to no end. They will do this by asking a lot more questions than anyone else, caring about class more than anyone else, and trying to form a cosmic bond with the professor due to their close proximity in age. It is often unclear whether the excessive questions are due to genuine interest or outright senility.
As much as it will pain you to do this, get to know this old person. They will be taking copious notes and will become an invaluable study partner…if you can stand them through the end of the semester. Kind of like Chevy Chase on Community.
Don’t act like a dog off a leash.
You know how preteen girls act? Go to a movie theater if you need a refresher. They’ll be the ones running around, giggling uncontrollably, texting nonstop during the Ben Stiller movie they are seeing, getting popcorn stuck in their braces, acting stupid to impress the stupid boys, and being yelled at by the manager. They are doing this because they are getting their first taste of freedom, and they don’t know what to do with it, except run around and make a scene.
Some of you used to be preteen girls. Some of you never were. Now that you have graduated as a reasonably mature* person, don’t revert back.
When you go to college, you’ll be getting a whole lot of freedom for the first time, and you might not know what to do with it. It will be obvious to others, because you will be acting like a dog who just broke his leash and is now running around like crazy, partying way harder than everyone else, getting a tramp stamp, and possibly not showering, just because you can.
If you are going to a Christian college…
If you are going to a Christian college, good for you. But remember, you are attending an institute of higher learning, not church camp. You may be required to learn about things that Jesus did not put his stamp of approval on, including but not limited to: evolution, psychology, human anatomy, philosophy, and science. I know you think that you are planning a career in the ministry or a Christian bookstore, so these things are useless to you, but just go with it.
If it makes you feel better, you can counteract all this “worldliness” by getting a guitar, learning precisely three chords, and strumming them nonstop in the student union.
High school is over.
Some of you really liked high school. Good for you. Now that it’s over, never speak of it again. There’s nothing weirder than a guy who talks about his “glory days” of high school. There were actually a couple of people at my college who wore their high school letter jackets. This, of course, is not acceptable, and is grounds for being ostracized forever.
Bananas are really good for writing notes on. Seriously. Pens write really easily on them, and who would suspect that someone would be putting notes on fruit? I spent nearly all of college biology passing humorous notes on bananas, and the professor was none the wiser.
What graduation advice would you give to a soon-to-be college student? What was the best advice you recieved? Were you the “dog off the leash” or someone else that you wish someone would’ve reined in?