Love Month: A Year of Valentine’s Days

February 8, 2010

Commence government sanctioned expressions of love for your life partners.  T-minus six days.

I think the last time I really enjoyed Valentine’s Day was in grade school, when I exchanged mandatory cards with the other children in my classroom and ate candy.  Those were the days.

Later, I started to dislike Valentine’s Day because in high school, no one was forced to give me a card.  Also, while a bunch of high school tool factories with frosted hair were recklessly spending their minimum wages on their girlfriends, it reminded me that I had no girlfriend on which to splurge fifteen dollars.

Then I got a girlfriend, and finally got to experience the real “magic” of Valentine’s Day: silently wondering how a girl could honestly be so entertained by flowers or a stuffed animal.  Seriously, flowers don’t do anything.  Please ladies, tell me what it is you love about having dead plants in your house?

Westerners aren’t the only ones with some sort of Valentine’s Day.  A few years ago, Russia had a national “procreation” day.  Didn’t have quite the same ring to it as Valentine’s Day.  I think they got the idea from “1984.”  Some people are really into Valentine’s Day.  I sometimes try to point out the absurdity of a national ”love” holiday, but they always counter with some mush about how for people in love, ”every day should be Valentine’s Day.”

Well maybe you’re right.  Every day should be full of romance and love.  So I’ll be blogging for a couple of weeks on a bunch of embarassingly lovey-dovey topics that will make everyone want to throw up, and I’m kicking it off right here.  I’m going to help you with a handy checklist to keep your Valentine’s Day (and your whole year of romance) aflame.

Four Steps to a Year of Valentine’s Days

Express Your Love through Cards
If you think everyday should be Valentine’s Day, then stock up right now on 365 romantic greeting cards.  In fact, start expressing your feelings exclusively through Hallmark greeting cards (so they know you care enough to give the very best.)  You could get some funny ones, some mushy ones, some with…money slots.  The cards with no words inside are perfect for the days your…feelings are so extreme, they can’t be expressed in words.

Give New Underwear
Every Valentine’s Day, men shell out all kinds of cash for lacy, stringy devices called “lingerie” which will be worn for a grand total of ten minutes (and has the weirdest spelling since “hoisery”).  Now, most men won’t be able to raise the funds for a daily gift from Victoria’s Secret, but that doesn’t mean you can’t give your lady something to help her feel attractive all year long.  So while you’re at the greeting card store, head on over to TJ Maxx and pick up their year’s-supply, econo-sized ”Big-Box-o-Brassieres.”  With a large variety of designs such as “striped” or “not striped,” quality stitching, and long lasting elastic waistbands, you’ll be sure to keep the flames lit all year long.  Ladies, if you’re looking for something to give to your man, a pair of nice new socks every day is sure to rev up his engine.  Vroom!

Eat a Lot of Candy
Well, chances are eating rubbish every day is probably the one thing all of us are doing.  So congratulations, you’re probably already one fourth of the way to being a hopeless romantic.  So the next time your mate asks you if you really need to be eating all that chocolate, just tell them you’re doing it because you love them.  Plus, if you keep around a year’s supply of candy hearts, you’ll never have heartburn again.

Do “It”
Sometimes, pastors run out of things to talk about from the Bible.  When this happens, a great way to fill time, and generate buzz is to challenge everyone in church to get funky for a month straight. 

Men are supposed to be stoked because, obviously sex is a man’s only need and the only area they ever feel neglected.  Wives are supposed to be pumped because the pastor is challenging them to do it, so it must be a good thing, and not being pumped would mean they are being sinful, non-submissive wives.  Marriage and family counseling is all well and good, but nothing says a pastor knows what he’s talking about like 30 days of mandatory hardcore marital relations does.

Eventually, the month ends, and a few couples were actually able to follow through.  They say things like “it was the best 30 days of our lives!”  That always gets mixed reactions from everyone.  People are shocked.  Then they’re envious.  Then everyone looks at their partner like, “Well, we tried.”  Then everyone concludes that those two must be a couple of freaks, and there’s no way they could’ve enjoyed it, because 1.5 times a week is the way God intended it to be.  It’s kind of amazing to think about the way priorities would have to change for this to become the norm among married people.  Well, the best way to get back at that super-smiley couple is to totally outdo them at their own game.  Nothing like having sex, just to keep up with the Joneses, to keep the passion lit.

Are you a pro- or anti-Valentine’s Day person?  If you’re single, how do you ignore it?  If you’re attached, how do you keep things romantic (in non-Hallmark ways?)  Would you rather work in a year-round Christmas store or year-round Valentine’s Day store?