I'm Making an Indie Movie

One thing's for sure: 'indie' films are on a roll.

You know, those quirky little movies that supposedly were made with $20 in change that then make a billion dollars because they're so dang charming?

I shouldn't have said 'one thing's for sure,' because another thing's for sure too. Emergent churches are on a roll. They're everywhere, even though they refuse to call themselves 'emergent.' That's part of the magic. I've loved some emergent churches. I met my wife in one. They contribute some good things. Some emergents like to hope I'm emergent when I say I pastor a house church.

Well, when I see a good idea, I like to copy it and pretend I was the first to come up with it. So I'm producing my own indie film. I'm also starting my own emergent church. That seemed like a lot of work for two hobbies, but then I realized I could streamline by combining my two projects.

Four Steps to a Perfect Indie Film/Emergent Church

Think up a really baffling name.
This is the first step to any good indie movie. An ironic title is the perfect way to wake up movie watchers dazed by the latest High School Musical preview. Perhaps you should name your titular character something really "radical," because she's such a crazy "individual." Something like Juno, or Napoleon. If the title confuses or bewilders audiences, then they'll know they have to see it! Be sure you get your graphic designer to print the title like it was drawn by a high school algebra student too. It may cost you more, but it's instant indie street cred. People say, "Wow, that title looks like a no-talent high school art nerd drew that inside his Trapper Keeper, so the movie must be awesome!"

Same with an emergent church's name. Right off the bat, throw out the word church. "Church" = crap. While you're at it, don't call your movie a "movie." The less your church sounds like a church, the better. People should not know you are a church until they walk in, thinking they're going to buy a dishwasher...or a hammock.

Write a script everyone says they understand, even though they don't.
The best indie films are the kind no one understands. Because everyone feels like they have to understand it, or they're stupid. Watch The Royal Tenenbaums. Right now, I dare you. Did you understand what on earth was going on? Did you laugh at even one stupid deadpan line? That's how good your movie should be. The kind that people pretend to enjoy.

If you're starting an emergent church, you've got to learn a lot of big words...not necessarily their definitions, just how to pronounce them. Then write your script - your sermons, books, everyday conversations. They should all use these words, often. Your mental word bank should include: paradigm, organic, missional, narrative, postmodern, Rob Bell, to name a few. You don't have to know what they mean, because everyone will think you're smart if they don't understand you either.

Hire Michael Cera.
Every indie film needs a cute, awkward, stumbly-bumbly teenage boy to be dominated by his female costar. You need a guy who talks and talks, yet the more he talks, the more he talks himself into a hole. By the time he finishes talking, he confused every other character, including himself about exactly what his point was supposed to be.

That's where Michael Cera comes in. From Juno to Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist (notice the titles), Michael Cera has been tripping over his words and into our hearts. Know why Steve Carrell was in Little Miss Sunshine? Because Michael Cera didn't like the coffee some studio intern served him. There was no mistake about what he had to say that day.

That's exactly what every emergent church needs. Not the stumbly teenage boy; but a grown-up version. You need a guy who talks and talks, who's articulate and impossible to not want to be friends with, but the more he talks about theology, the more you end up wondering what exactly he's saying because he insists on speaking in a lot of abstract terms, and because of his devotion to our previous point.

Take yourself really seriously.
You can't go to all the trouble of crafting a fine indie film and not take yourself seriously. If I didn't want to take myself seriously, I'd hire Woody Harrelson.

Even better, the movie should encourage viewers to take it too seriously. They should say to themselves, "I'm sorry, I just can't stomach another travesty from Warner Brothers. I'm just too much of a film connoisseur. What's this? Finally, a REAL film from an indie studio, not one of those popcorn flicks from those big box 'Wal-Mart' studios. Thank God for Fox Searchlight."

Nothing's better than Christians who take themselves really seriously. Make sure your members are constantly reminded of the evils of evangelicals and how their church is really a 'conversation.' Because even though the emergent church is new, it's still made up of old Christians who discovered a long time ago that every church looks better with a liberal dose of self-righteousness.

Once you've done all these steps, congratulations! You now have a successful indie film/emergent church (though by being successful, you ironically cease to be either of these). Now just repeat until you are a huge cliche parody of yourself that can be summed up into a four-part to-do list!

What would you add to the list? What would you do if you could make your own film or open your own church? What would your title your movie or church?

Is There An Expert in the House?

If there's one phrase in the whole world I love to hear, it's this:

"Experts were surprised..."

Good thing I love that phrase, because I get to hear it a lot these days. Just google those words. You will literally get 29 million results. That's a lot of surprises. Whenever the news reports on some new surprise that experts find, they like to dress it up with phrases like, "Experts are reeling over the new findings." I just want to find the expert that told the news reporter, "I am reeling over these new findings." No one says that. Except maybe this expert to the left, who's getting ready to eat a big mouthful of crow.

A few years ago, 'experts' predicted longer, more intense hurricane seasons because of the evils of mankind. Which sounds a lot like how ancient people explained everything from eclipses to droughts. The gods are angry with us, find a virgin to sacrifice! Anyway, we were told we could expect a lot more 'Katrinas' in the future and face doomsday unless we sacrificed a bunch of oil executives on an altar. Since then, the experts have been surprised by record-breaking calm hurricane seasons.

The current list of things that surprise experts includes, but is not limited to hurricanes, unemployment, Antarctica, Orangutans, swine flu, Iran, the Royal Bank of Scotland, earthquakes, Cash for Clunkers, the Chinese, Prince Charles, Komodo Dragons, teen birth rates, experts' rates of being surprised, obesity, and surprise birthday parties.

If you love surprises, now is a great time to be an expert!

I've got a five things to say to the experts of the world.

How do I become an expert?
You make being an expert look so easy! With just that title, people line up to interview you, buy your books, plagarize your words in their high school research papers. Is there a class I can take, perhaps at my local community college or online that will teach me how to be an expert? What certification board do I need to apply to for my Expert Degree?

Oh, there is no Expert School?
Then how do you become an expert? I can't see you calling yourself an 'expert,' 'guru,' 'virtuoso,' or 'wizard,' with no qualifications, because that would be incredibly egotistical, and would kind of set you up for a huge, surprising failure. No, a real expert would never make this mistake. It wouldn't be wise to call yourself an 'expert' when you really aren't an expert...and yet, I can't shake a sneaking suspicion...

You don't know what you're talking about.
The more you say, and the more authority you use to say it, the more times you have to eat your words. It's evident to me that we have a bunch of people running the world, our nations, our banks, our schools, our churches, writing books, being published and quoted who don't have a gat-dang clue what they're talking about. They don't know history; that's why they're reliving it. They don't know economics; that's why they're trashing it. They don't know science because big business pays for science. If an expert says something, I can make a pretty sure bet, something else will happen somewhere in the world. Besides that...

Expert is just another word for 'nerd.'
Nicholas Butler, an expert on, ironically, experts, said, "An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less." In other words, expert knowledge is so deep and so narrow, that almost no one else cares unless your expertise in in Star Wars. Such a level of nerd-knowledge makes it even more ironic that a bunch of super-nerds can be surprised so often.

I'm not an expert.
Just kidding, I'm an expert at being awesome. But really, I can't afford to be an expert. I have precious little capital to spend on getting people to believe me. I can't be throwing it around like an expert. I've had enough failures and shortcomings already, I don't need to fall from the 'expert' pedistal.

If you really are an expert, people will notice it and call you an expert. Don't look like a tool and set yourself up for failure by putting it on your resume. I see 'expert' and immediately smirk. That goes for Christian experts too. Your reputation precedes you. You don't have to tell us you have a reputation. Maybe you really are an expert. Fine, but think about what your fellow experts are doing to give experts a bad name.

What say you? Do you consider yourself an expert at anything? If you could call yourself an expert at something, what would it be? It's okay to call yourself an expert here. We're all laughing with each other, not at each other here.

Blogger Interview: Dr. Awesome

Hey everyone, last week I kicked off a new series here. I’m having a great time talking with other bloggers around the web. Today I’m happy to introduce you the burliest, toughest, manliest son-of-a-blogger I’ve ever met: Dr. Awesome, author of To Every Man a Manswer.

Hey Doctor, care to introduce yourself?
My name is Dr Awesome. I am married and have one child, with another on the way and I've been called by God to emangelize the world with the good news of uber-masculinity. You can think of me as the Mickey Goldmill of the whole world. To paraphrase Thoureau, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet wussitude.” It is my job to change that.

You seem exceptionally wise and virile, judging by your progeny and casual use of Thoureau quotes. What got you started blogging about manliness?
One day I was walking through your typical office building, and I saw an otherwise normal-appearing man with a calendar of kittens on his wall. I was appalled. After beating him senseless with a stapler, I realized that I am just one man, and I can't possibly go throughout the whole world beating pansified men with office supplies. So I started a blog in an attempt to disseminate wisdom more widely.

I'd say my hero is the Apostle Paul. Those letters he wrote to all the churches were the world's first advice columns. They would write him a question, like "Sup Paul, this is Corinth, what should we do about this one guy we know who is shacking up with his step mom?" And Paul would be like, "Kick him out of your church, and then beat him with some office supplies." Now I'm not worthy of holding Paul's ancient Roman athletic support (which is fine, as I'm not sure he'd be a fan of men holding each other's underwear) but he's the example I'm trying to follow.

Besides that, it's a known fact that Paul went 'commando.' What can I do to instantly become more manly? What will instantly make me less manly?
To instantaneously become more manly, grow a beard. Growing a full beard in a single instant can be done, but it takes a tremendous amount of concentration. It's a neat party trick that looks like one of those time lapse videos of a Chia pet, speeded up times a thousand. To instantly become less manly, listen to five seconds of any Rascal Flatts song. You will henceforth be unable to reproduce.

Rascal Flatts, check. So what makes a man a real man?
To be serious for a second, a real man is someone who strives to point others to Jesus. But other than that, what makes a really real man is that he always has access to homemade jerky. And he owns the complete Die Hard tetralogy.

Obviously a real man knows a real woman when he sees one. What makes a woman a real woman?
Probably the womanliest thing a woman can do is give birth. I know that's kind of obvious, but having been there for the birth of my child, I'll say that shoving what looks like a pale, greased up lizard through a hole the size of a coke can is not something I'm interested in trying.

I concur. It’s better if we just watch from a safe distance. Now, while many guys are lumberjacks and coal miners, many guys do things that aren’t really considered manly. What’s manlier: cooking, painting, or writing?
Cooking is manly, if you killed the animal yourself within the past hour and are cooking over an open flame. Painting is manly, if you are painting your face to better camouflage yourself. The most manly thing, though, would be to get on the internet and write an advice column.

Do you wear a mustache? Are mustaches manly?
I don't currently have a mustache, due to some legal issues with the government of Bolivia that I'm prohibited from discussing. But they are very manly, yes. The longer you can grow it, the better...we're talking one of those Civil War mustaches where the hair from your upper lip reaches below your chin. If there is no imminent danger of you choking while eating due to interference from your mustache, it needs to be longer.

Should I grow a mustache?
Absolutely, if you can. Some men genetically just don't have what it takes to grow a mustache, so for these men I recommend doing something else to enhance your manly appearance, like maybe cutting the sleeves off all your shirts and flexing a lot.

I do see a lot of guys with poor mustache growing skills in sleeveless shirts. Perhaps a can of cheap beer and a car on blocks in my front yard would help too.

Finally, for a very important question...

Who is manlier, and thus would win in a fight: pirates or ninjas?
I've said before that ninjas would win every time, but upon reconsidering I think it may depend on where this fight takes place. On a boat, pirates would win, because of home field advantage. Anywhere else, I'd give the edge to the ninjas. The real winners in this fight would be you and me, because it would be the most glorious thing we've ever beheld.

You have answered wisely. I can’t stop thinking about ninjas. Ninjas are cool, and by cool, I mean totally sweet.

For more manly advice, useful to men, or women who want to help their men be all they can be, visit To Every Man a Manswer.

This is All Going to End...I Just Don't Know How

Well, after Monday's lively and passionate exchange, it obviously time to relax, take a breather, and discuss a topic on the lighter side of life...

...let's talk the end of the world!

I'll admit, I immediately start dry heaving whenever Christians start cracking open the one-liners from Revelation to prove how the world will end. End times discussion are like kryptonite to me. And by that, I mean that whenever anyone starts one with me, I'm tempted to use my laser heat vision and ice breath on them, just so they'll shut up.

Part of my revulsion with end-times discussions is the audacity of it all. What are the four horsemen supposed to bring? War, famine, pestilence and death? Right, so exactly what we have right now. What else is on the checklist?

Point being, we know how it will end. Jesus wins. Other than that, we don't really have a clue.

I was watching The History Channel, and they had a special on the ten most awesome apocalyptic scenarios. The countdown goes on, each one getting more and more exciting: nuclear war, asteroids, the sun exploding. Then number one is...wait for it...

...global warming.

Could there be a bigger letdown than a slow rise in temperature over the next several hundred years to top off a list of apocalyptic scenarios? Better stock up on canned goods and water for that one!

Anyway, despite my revulsion with end of the world stuff, I knew I could do better than The History Channel. I'm counting down the best scenarios that could end the world. Who knows...with a thousand years of Satan's reign, he could use any of these to wreak havoc!

Five Possible Apocalyptic Scenarios

The Maya-ocalypse
This one is pretty awesome. The Mayan calendar runs out in 2012, signaling the end of the age. Of course, if we still had some Mayans around, they could just make a new calendar and we could avoid this, but the Spaniards made sure that wasn't going to happen. I think the story goes that on Dec 21, 2012, all the dead Mayans will rise up, resurrected as robot ninjas and judo chop everyone's kidneys. Nice going, Spain.
Awesomeness: 9/10: especially if the Mayans come back as robot ninjas.
Survivability: 6/10: Mayans were pretty awesome, but there weren't that many of them. I'd wait them out in a dark basement until they run out of hearts to eat.
Likelihood: 4/10: The Mayans were good at math, but I'm not too sure about this one.

The Science-Run-Amok-ocalypse
Everyone loves science. It's given us everything from Twinkies to airbrushing our celebrities. But remember, everyone making science today, those were the guys who got picked on in school all the time. Out of all those nerds, the likelihood seems high that at least one of them became an evil scientist. Suddenly, we're running from zombies, or a virus, or a virus that turns people into zombies, or zombies with viruses...or the Matrix. The possibilities are endless!
Awesomeness: 8/10: Science is pretty sweet when it's evil.
Survivability: 7.5/10: You'll need four people to survive: a stone-faced ex-Marine, a wise-cracking black guy, a Jewish scientist, and a hot chick. And a bunch of guns. One of you will not make it.
Likelihood: 9/10: Science has already given us Joan Rivers. I'd get ready.

The Pandemic-ocalypse
SARS is going to kill everyone! Or Swine Flu...
Awesomeness: 1/10: Unless you like false alarms.
Survivability: virtually 10/10: unless you're really unlucky.
Likelihood: 10/10: if you watch the news.

The Y2K-ocalypse
Please see above.

The Chimp-ocalypse
Just look at those chimps. Waiting. Planning. Plus, they're in league with the aliens.
Awesomeness: 4/10: There's going to be a bunch of poo being thrown.
Survivability: 9/10: I don't think this will end the world, it'll just be a really big hassle.
Likelihood: 8/10: First we teach a gorilla sign language, then it's all downhill.

And after all that, God says, "Enough! Time for another flood!"

How do you think it will end? An asteroid crashing into Earth? The sun exploding? The government? Rosie O'Donnell crashing into Earth?

What if We Let Gays Marry?

Christians have to get stuck poo-pooing everything.

We just have to be the wet blankets. If it's cloning, gambling, gay marriage, abortion, or Harry Potter, there's probably going to be some Christians getting all up in everyone's grill, raining on the parade...especially if it's a gay parade.

Well maybe you can take an item off your list of 'don'ts.'

A lot of Christians don't like the idea of gay marriage. Some stuff about how it degrades the institution and whatnot. I think I heard 'Bible' and 'Steve' and 'hell' being shouted all at once, but it was hard to hear. Everyone's got different reasons for hating.

But what if we just allowed gays to formalize what they're doing already? What if we allowed them to go through all the legal channels that heterosexuals go through to be married? You know, go to the courthouse, pay their $52 in cash, no checks, obtain a license, have a ceremony and then merge all their complicated legal, tax, and financial matters in a convoluted web of legality. Sounds romantic!

For the record, I think that's the fair thing to do. Call it a 'civil union' or whatever. We get our thing, they get theirs, and in the eyes of blind lady justice, we're all equal and eligible for tax breaks. We live in a free land where gays are shacking up anyway. Can't stop that. Aren't Christians against shacking up anyway?

Speaking of shacking up, I think dogs should start wearing pants and getting married. There's been a lot of casual sex going on among the dogs in my neighborhood, right out in the open! They have no shame. The males are all going around chasing booty rather than staying at home being dads.

Anyway, what would happen if we allowed gays to do all that? They'd live happily ever after in wedded bliss for the rest of their lives...

...until they started getting divorced.

And just like we let them go through a big glorious legal proceeding to get married, they can go through the fun of the legal divorce proceedings! Divorce Court has been getting kind of ho-hum lately anyway.

One of the big reasons gays tell us they should be able to adopt children is because homosexuals are supposedly as loving and dedicated to their monogamous relationships as heterosexuals...not that that's really setting the bar very high.

Actually, we'd find out officially what people have already started to figure out. That gays would get divorced at least as much as heterosexuals. That would kind of take the wind out of that argument.

And while I'm busy being a genius, let's think this one out. Some egghead scientist is trying to find a 'gay gene,' some part of the DNA that makes someone go that way. I don't know how he can tell if a gene is gay. Maybe it's wearing a mock turtleneck or can't keep it's hands off the Y chromosome. I think the last breakthrough was someone found some 'gay' fruit flies. Doesn't surprise me. Their name is slang for gay already. Gays support gay gene research because if they did find a gay gene, it would mean Christians can shove it permanetly, because gay isn't a choice, it's in their blood. Case closed.

But I wonder what would happen...Screening unborn children for potential disorders is very common now because people see no ethical consequences about it. So disposing of imperfect fetuses also naturally follows. Today, 95% of parents who screen their unborn children and find they might have Down's Syndrome have them aborted. You see where I'm going with this. What are gays going to do with the discriminatory practice of screening and aborting gay fetuses?

See, nothing's ever 'happily ever after.' Gays hoping for a fairy tale ending can wise up and find out what the rest of us have already. Even when you solve one problem, you usually create another for yourself. That's what keeps the economy rolling. Everyone has to buy something else to solve their new problem.

What say you? Can we have a civil discussion, or have I opened a big can of worms? Can you think of any other solutions that just led to more problems?

My First Blogger Interview

I fancy myself a hard hitting news reporter man.

And there's a lot of great bloggers out there. Really, a lot of awesomely funny and intelligent people who you need to know about. I decided to start a new series here at The Church of No People by reaching out to some people who I look up to as a blogger and I'm sharing with you our conversations. I'm kicking off this series with an interview I had with one of the best.

She was gracious to answer my questions, first because she’s awesome, second because she was a very pregnant lady when I asked her for an interview. Her natural humor combined with what are no doubt gallons of pregnancy hormones raging through her make a first rate interviewee.

First, can you share any vital stats with us to introduce yourself?
Well, I like being a woman of mystery, name-wise. But I am a professor of theology at a small Catholic university, I am a wife and mother of three born children, and one very much on the way, and I live in Minnesota. I grew up mostly in the South and am 42 years old.

I like mysterious women. When did you start blogging and what got you interested?
I started blogging in March 2006, inspired by a post by another woman with a pseudonym, "Maureen Martin". She used to post at a blog full of Catholic satire, and one day I read it, laughed until I cried, and then thought--hey--maybe this would be a fun thing to try to do. I was a huge fan of Crummy Church Signs as well (I'm still in mourning on that one--excuse me--I have to go weep now).

Crummy Joel was a titan of the industry...whatever industry that is. But it's a great moment when we look at our heroes and say, "Well big deal, I could do that!"
Blogging is a release, mostly escapist fun for me. My husband often works nights, and I don't watch TV or run a meth lab, so obviously I needed to do something in the evening. I like some things I've written and am lukewarm on most of the rest. I guess my current favorite series is the Talk Like a Pirate series I do every Sept 19th (TLAP Day, matey!).

I'd like to fold the best pieces into a book, but these past few months have been physically challenging with my pregnancy, and I haven't been writing as much lately. I hope to pick up the pace again soon.

Yes, I too have not yet published my book, nor opened my meth lab, though I am still a man, still not pregnant, and thus without excuse.

Do you consider your real-life person to be as ironic as your online person?
I've had students figure out who I am based on what they say is "a blog that sounds like me," so I think that means--probably I am. But people who've met me in real life after first meeting me online tell me I'm way more serious than they expected. I have a serious article getting published soon, and I think it will shock the living daylights out of some people to see me be all seriously theological and stuff.

"Serously theological...and stuff." Sounds groundbreaking.

You seem to have a bit of a crush on the handsome Steven Colbert. What’s up with that?
OK, crush is a bit strong. I just think he can be really funny, and if you're Catholic, I think you get some of his theological subtext more than if you're not. There was a skit about human cloning that basically made the US Bishops' case for why it was an ethically horrible idea, but with humor. I love that he could do that and actually get away with it on TV.

Your family is growing with the birth of your fourth precious little irony. Congratulations! Are you planning any rivalries with a neighborhood Mormon family?
I think we'd need more than four to make a serious run for that--and my age is working against us in that regard. No, it's just part of that "being open to accepting children lovingly from God" that is part of our Catholic marriage promise. That, and there is the unfolding Ironic Catholic Conspiracy to take over the world. Or at least my town in Minnesota.

I think fewer than 10% of the students at my Baptist seminary had actually met a Catholic person, and I think most were scared of meeting one. We were told by an expert that if we met a Catholic, don't panic because Catholics really are just as scared of Baptists as Baptists are of them. Is that really true?
First, you're all scared of Catholics? Meek little old humble Mother Teresas that we all are? (heh.) Truly, nowadays, we come in peace. The Inquisition was more of a state thing and is pretty well long gone.

Really? Maybe I should make sure they know; they're usually behind the times on stuff like this. Please go on...

Second question, are Catholics as scared of Baptists? In the South? Absolutely. The very question "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior? When?" presents a freezing moral conundrum for many southern Catholics I know: "Oh no! Are they going to have me sign a Chick tract or something? If I say 'at my infant baptism,' will they begin quoting John's gospel at me about needing to be born again?" But honestly, I've never been scared off--I used to be involved in the Baptist Student Union at my state college in VA, and I mostly got friendly curiosity questions. That, and people would ask for the pepperoni on my pizza on Fridays. It was an ecumenical win-win. Seriously, we're all Christians, people.

"Gang of religious zealots attempt viscious pepperoni theft, baptism of Catholic college student! Swift revenge planned with plot to overpopulate small northern town!" You heard it here first!

Thanks so much, IC! Be sure to give her a cheer in the comments for a great interview and a new baby, and then visit her at The Ironic Catholic

Friendly Atheist Arguments

Monday, I talked about the useless arguments Christians are prone to use when trying to convince non-believers about God.

Let's turn the tables. Because there's a few asinine arguments up a lot of atheists' sleeve too.

I still stand by what I said that most atheists are lovely people. But I cannot deny that there is a new breed of neo-Atheists who can hardly be called 'friendly.' They act as if the very presence of religion makes them completely miserable and bitter.

Fortunately for us, many of the arguments they preach and the 'regular' atheists regurgitate are childish and lame.

Six Atheist Arguments Christians Can Easily Answer

Christians are a Bunch of Hypocrites.
I'm sorry you think that.

I'm sorry you think occasionally failing to live up to high ethical standards is the root of all evil. I happen to think having no standards at all would naturally be much more evil.

I'm happy for you that you have no convictions that you might not live up to once in a while.

I'm sorry that Christians are the only people who've ever let you down.

And I'm sorry that the only Christians you've known in your life were on TV.

Do You Know How Many Wars Have Been Fought in the Name of Christianity?
Three? Four? Ten? I know there's been a few.

How many wars have been fought in the name of everything else?
Oil? Territory? Dominance? Technology? Culture? Economics? Racism?
War predates Christianity by quite a few years. War wasn't invented for religion's sake. Religion is abused for war's sake.

Lots of other stuff besides war was done in the name of Christianity. Like ending slavery, for one. I guess if you're a wealthy southern plantation owner, I can see how that would piss you off.

Hitler Was a Christian.
Monday I pointed out that Christians sometimes like to look for a cheap shot when debating atheists by saying Hitler was an atheist. Turns out atheists like to do the same. So if Hitler was a Christian, it must mean that all Christians are harboring an extreme hatred for the world.

So if Hitler was a Christian, and therefore all Christians are like Hitler, then...

...all Muslims must be violent terrorists like Bin Laden,
and all Irish must be rampant loudmouths like Bono.

But of course, saying that would make me politically incorrect and a racist...well, maybe that first one.

The Only Thing Christians Do is Indoctrinate Kids.
I love free thinkers. I used to run into them a lot, but then I became employed. Many of them like to paint Christians as brain-washers.

Tell me, if we're so good at hypnotizing the masses, how did you escape?

I love how hippie New Age parents want their children to decide for themselves what they'll be without any parental pressure or guidance. So they dress their kids up like punks to show how much they're fighting the man, as the parents pretend to not be capitalists. Of course that desire fades as soon as their kids show any interest in becoming Republicans, Christians, CEOs of 'evil' corporations, or anything else that's not a hippie New Ager.

Besides, if you're so against indoctrination, maybe you should tell Christopher Hitchens to stop writing books.

I am a Scientist. I Take Nothing on Faith.
Good. Then quit using ridiculous arguments, Mr. Scientist.

How many things do you believe that you have actually tested using the scientific method? Have you formed a hypothesis that France exists, despite every logical thread in your being telling you such a place could not possibly exist, formulate an experiment to test the existence of France, record your findings, repeat said experiment, and correctly conclude that despite all odds and wishes to the contrary, France does indeed exist.

No you didn't. You took it on authority that your third grade teacher was not a liar. And you've been drinking science-flavored kool-aid your entire life.

I Don't Need a God to Tell Me to Be Good. I'm Good for It's Own Sake.
Good. Because if you ever failed at that, you'd be a hypocrite. That would make you the root of all evil.

I haven't touched all their arguments, and haven't even done the best job at answering them. Then again, they write books about God not existing, and this blog is a few hundred words I wrote in my spare time.

What are some of the lame arguments you've heard? I'm even more interested in hearing what was something that made you doubt Christianity when your faith and knowledge was not so strong?

Do What I Say or Go To Hell!

Christians love to argue.

I think we like to argue with each other, just to take a break from arguing with non-Christians.

Christians often times like to try to 'prove' Christianity to non-believers. It makes so much sense! Here look at all these amazing reasons Jesus rules! Sometimes we do it out of love, sometimes we get heated and just have to vindicate ourselves.

The problem is, most of the arguments relied on by pastors and used by people are crutches that are super-lame, illogical, and don't work.

First, you will never convince someone of the truth of Christianity. That's something only God himself can do. But if you find yourself in an intellectual conversation about the truthiness of the Bible, please don't say any of these things...

Five Lame Ways to Prove Christianity

The Wager
The wager Christians like to pull out with non-believers is 'What if Christianity is true and you end up going to hell for not believing?' Sounds solid enough, because hell is a bad place to go and seems a good motivation for turning to Jesus. Except that most people don't like to be threatened into doing something. That's like terrorists making a guy renounce America under threat of beheading. We all know those terrorists are lame.

Besides, basing your beliefs on what amounts to a gamble to avoid hell probably isn't going to impress God.

God: "So why do you think you should be in heaven?"

Dead Guy: "Well, I thought there was at least a 50/50 shot of me going to hell unless I became a Christian. So it looks like I gambled correctly! Can I have my welcome basket now?"

God: "Release the hounds."

Everyone believes in God!
Well, not everyone. Atheists for one, Buddhists for another. That's like least a billion people right there.

Christians like to say that belief in God is in almost everyone's heart, so to not believe in Him is arrogant and against human nature. But Christians are notorious for fudging the numbers with baptisms and church memberships, so it figures they'd gloss over a billion atheists on the planet.

Besides, this argument goes directly against what your mother said to you when all your friends were doing stupid things, "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you do it too?" Just because a bunch of idiots do this or believe that, it doesn't make it not stupid.

C.S. Lewis makes a great argument for God's existence, using this method, but starts with the inherant ethics of the human heart, and then works his way to God. It's amazing, and I suggest you read Mere Christianity.

You can't prove God doesn't exist.
You can't prove He does exist.

You just fell into the trap the atheist would like to set you in, but it's a stupid trap for both people. If we're going on proof based on our five senses, we wouldn't know anything! I can't prove the existence of germs, London, or the President based on my five senses!

Just drop this one entirely. It's lame.

Hitler was an Atheist!
Maybe. Maybe he thought he was God's agent.

The point of bringing up Hitler, I think is to say that atheists have no morals.

Which isn't true. Most atheists are lovely people. As I said before, C.S. Lewis says that everyone has morals, and that's what proves God (eventually).

Atheists just have no reason for their morals. That's something I'll never understand. Why should I care about rain forests or Africans or free trade coffee or be a vegan if this life is all there is?

Second, plenty of terrible people have claimed to be Christians. Wouldn't that disprove Christianity? I don't think we want to bring up Christianity's solid history of good deeds to prove anything.

You just need faith!
Are you a child? Do you really think there is no proof for Christ other than suspending your adult intellect and injecting that feel-good drug of praise music and prosperity gospel to help numb the pain of life?

You don't need to tell someone they need faith. Faith is produced by God working in an unbeliever's heart apart from their desire to have faith. It will happen whether they want it to or not. Meanwhile, stop with the lame arguments.

What are your best reasons for faith in Christ? What are some of the lamest you've heard?

Average, Mediocre, Unremarkable People

Hey everyone! Hope you had a great Labor Day. Now get back to work!

Kent Shaffer over at the excellent Church Relevance has created an updated list of his top 100 Christian blogs (by visitors, and other markers.) There's a bunch of familiar names, some new ones, and a bunch of shifting around the ranks, and all of them excellent blogs.

I know you're waiting with bated breath, but no, I did not make the list. Again. I have but a slice of the readers those guys have. Although I considered taking the badge Kent provided for top bloggers, but decided that would be more sad than funny. Then I made myself a baloney sandwich with a smiley face made out of mustard, and that didn't seem sad at all...

I honestly don't know how those guys do it. How do they get millions of people to come to their blogs, even on the days they just post pictures of their cats? I have never posted pictures of my cats. Because I don't have any...

Note to self: purchase kittens, baby clothes, webcam...

There's some mystique in things that attract lots of people. We try not to care about how many people read our blogs, but if we didn't care about people reading, we'd just keep diaries like a bunch of angsty, hormonal teenagers with no friends. And obviously, we've come further than that...right? But a blog with a lot of readers is a seemingly impossible feat to many of us.

Kind of like that feat of a pastor landing a big church.

Speaking of which, did you know there's a pastor shortage...and a surplus?

There's tons of churches that can't find a preacher. In some denominations (or non-denominations), 20% of churches are looking for pastors. Their searches sometimes last monts, even years.

But guess what? There's tons of preachers. We've actually got twice the number of preachers as we have jobs for them to fill in America. And that's despite our country obviously going straight to hell. Seems a lot of guys find the ministry to be an attractive vocation.

Which is exactly the problem.

The ministry is not an attractive vocation. It's a calling, dat-gum it! And all you nitwits who think you're going to strike fame and wealth in the ministry can take a hike...because I want that job!

Yeah, the reason we've got a shortage and a surplus is because all the guys are trying to get the jobs in the big churches. They're trying to be Mr. Sexy-Action-Preacher with thousands of screaming fans. But big churches make up a tiny slice of American Christianity. Churches with over 300 people make up just 10% of American congregations! 300 sounds rather average, doesnt it? But it's actually a very elite threshold.

Where's all the empty pulpits? In the small, un-sexy, un-frosted-spiky-hair churches. The types of churches that have fewer than 75 people. The type of churches that make up over half of American churches.

So most of those unemployed preachers would rather be unemployed than pastor a church with, God-forbid, some old folks or an organ. Those rural churches are going without pastors because Big-shot-seminary-graduate might have to minister to a church that's not a gateway to book deals and coast to coast speaking engagements.

We've got this warped view that there's no room for the little kid on the block, because the big boys run the neighborhood...and the television, and the radio, and the bookstore. Most 'big' bloggers lead or attend big churches too. So they're always blogging or Twittering about all the exciting stuff they're doing with their churches, and we think there must be something wrong with us because our ministries don't look at all like that!

We'll all be a lot happier if we're able to change our perspective. And I've got to start with me, because I'm often not happy with where I am. I'm always looking up at who I'm not, what I haven't done, what I don't have, like it's not normal to be average. The more we lust after something bigger, the more we wreck our chance at happiness with what we have.

The guys who sell lots of books are called 'influential,' because they've achieved admirable things. But when some average person has a crisis in the middle of the night, are they trying to call a best-selling author, or their totally average friend or pastor? That's influence.

I am so glad to have each of you read this junk whenever you do. And I'm happy to read your blogs. And since I doubt you're anyone who made 'the list' of big blogs, thanks for being totally average with me! I hope you have an average week at your average job, and you go to your average church this weekend with your average family, and you feel that nothing could be better in the world. Because we have a completely un-average God.

What about you? Do you have the gift of contentedness, or do you wish God would give you more?

I'll See You in Court

Last month, it was reported that a young woman who graduated college in May was suing her college. She wanted a full refund of the $70,000 she spent in tuition. The reason? She hasn't yet found a job.

I knew someone of this chump-titude must be special. Turns out I was right...which was a foregone conclusion, really.

First, the lawsuit was filed at the end of July - a full two and a half months after graduation...in a recession with an unemployment rate of 10%. Her mother (who inexplicably lives with her daughter and can't remain employed beyond a part-time substitute teacher) is quoted as saying, "This isn't how we want to live our lives...This isn't what we planned." Right. So for four years, you didn't plan on being 70 grand in the hole and maybe having to wait more than six weeks for someone to offer your crybaby-pansy-daughter a job, so you could continue to live off her.

I did a little digging. Turns out our graduate wasn't exactly a Rhodes scholar. In fact, she finished with with a solid C average. Not bad, but not exactly top of the class. And her degree was in "Information Technology," which is an extremely common degree.

So I ask two questions. Why was a C student spending $70,000 on college when an identical community college education costs a fraction of that? And the hair puller...

What about the job she's been working through college?

Is she even working a job? Or were she and her mother just plunging money into a big hole with no plans for the future? And if she wasn't working, how is it she barely managed average grades? I can't even tell if the mother is mooching off the daughter, or the other way around!

Well I'm sure with this bullet point on her already sterling resume, the employers are lining up!

People sure like to blame others for screwing up their days, and then making them pay thousands of dollars for it. But in our lawsuit-happy world, I thought of a few people who don't get sued nearly enough!

Four Groups of People Who Are Asking For It

Teachers
We could seriously cut the middleman in this case by just suing this girl's teachers. If they had the foresight to tell this girl in third grade that she'd be a huge failure as an adult, she'd have saved herself a lot of trouble and broken dreams. Self esteem is great, but eventually, reality kicks in. Her teachers are responsible for ongoing child abuse through nurturing her delusions of talent and intellect. Teachers are some of the most loving, patient, and nurturing people in the world, and that has to stop, so they're asking for it.

Scientists
Seriously, every time I have to walk in the rain, I know there's some eggheads who just know the secret to teleportation. But instead of improving my life, they made the Segway, just to mock us. And now they're up there in their tower, laughing, rolling in all their Segway money...on their Segways. Well I'd like to take those scientists down a peg. With all their brains, and pocket protectors, they're asking for it.

Lawyers
What have lawyers done, except ruin our society, and be the perfect butt of countless jokes? If something is wrong with your life, chances are a lawyer came up with the idea. These guys are definately asking for it.

Churches
It's a really good thing people can't come back from the afterlife. The church would be swallowed up in lawsuits. Imagine all the people who went through the motions, tithed 2.5%, judged the heathans, didn't drink, dance or smoke, voted Republican, owned a Bible, listened to the preacher, and had a solid C average church attendance...only to find their dreams of heaven didn't quite pan out. I know I'd be ticked if my fire insurance didn't cover me in the event of eternal damnation! A lot of people are giving Jesus their resumes, and he's giving them the old 'heave ho' with the "I never knew ye" line.

Pastors, I don't know what you can do for your 'carnal' Christians, but it seems you get a free pass.

Prosperity preachers, you also get a free pass...for now.

Who else is asking for it? Who is screwing up your life and needs to pay? The neighbor kids? Traffic Lights? Pastry Chefs? All aboard the blame train!

I'll be observing the hallowed Labor Day holiday, so I'll see you back on Wednesday!

Free XXX Christian Porn!

First, if you're looking for porn, I apologize, because there will be a lot of you who will be disappointed. You can't use this stuff. It's too hard, too weird, too unnatural for anyone's deviant taste. This porn is only for Christians. If you're not into the freaky religious stuff, you'll be disappointed and probably grossed out, making it impossible to enjoy any other porn for the rest of the day.

But if you're a Christian, have I got something for you. Christians don't like porn, except for the millions who secretly do like porn. But I've got the best porn for Christians. This thought came to me when a reader was soliciting suggestions for blogs to follow. They stipulated "no Joel Osteen and no porn." And naturally, I put the two in the same box...

Four Reasons the Prosperity Gospel is Christian Porn

It's Addictive
Porn is one hard drug. Like alcohol, nicotine, or gambling, or hard drugs, it's hard to break a porn habit once it's started. First, because most porn addicts don't want to admit they have a problem. But even if they do, even if they resolve with all their might not to go back to porn, they still go back in a moment of weakness.

Prosperity gospels are like that. Most addicts are in the phase where they don't realize they're an addict, or that they're even using a drug. That's how subtle it is. But a prosperity gospel gives the user a high that few things can match. They leave church feeling orgasmically great about themselves - like everything is possible! And they'll keep coming back, again and again for that completely victorious high.

It's Diminishing
That's the awful thing about addictions. The amazing substance you're addicted to gradually loses its pleasure. An addict needs more, stronger, harder stuff to get the same pleasure. That's called the law of diminishing returns.

I just wonder how many prosperity addicts pause in the middle of the show they're panting over and realize that it doesn't stack up to real life. In fact, the more promises those guys make, the more promises are broken! The longer one listens to prosperity gospels, the less fulfilling it actually is! They need more promises to satisfy their fetish because the promises so rarely come through!

But prosperity is addicting because it diminishes. No matter how much you have, there's always the promise of more. Just like a porn addict satisfies the craving and swears it'll be the last time ever. There's always a next time, a new promise of pleasure.

Maybe the prosperity gospel was never meant to come true, just provide a daily escape into fantasy. The promise is more arousing than reaching the actual goal.

It's Easy
Porn is super easy, in more than one way. It's so much easier to fulfill your own fantasies than try to fulfill someone else's. No one ever says how much dang work sex is. And porn is also easier to get than ever. In fact, we can thank the relentless pursuit of porn for pushing technology forward in the pursuit of easiness. From movie screens to VHS to DVD to the internet, the many temporarily-satisfied porn customers have been at the forefront of new technological convenience.

The thousands of prosperity users are the platform to push the prosperity gospel into mainstream Christianity, like a new super crisp HD gospel. It's so much easier to follow a prosperity gospel than actually do what Jesus taught. There was nothing convenient about Jesus. In fact, I can think of several ways my life would be easier if I weren't a Christian. But a fulfilling walk with Christ demands committment to his words. Just like a fulfilling marriage requires the hard work of figuring what makes your partner tick, and not just yourself.

It's Cheap
Porn cheapens people. It reduces them to a grab-bag of body parts that will do whatever you want, and enjoy it too. For an internet subscription, or a few bucks, you can use someone for your own purposes. It really is cheap!

Prosperity gospels cheapen God. It changes a user's perception of reality. Faith is only the carrot to get God to do all the things we lust after. That's a really original idea, except it's what people have been trying to do since the beginning of time, like putting Him on stage and throwing dollar bills at Him for a performance. It exchanges truth for an arousing image and a cheap thrill. How about faith when God doesn't do any of the things you would like? That's expensive, inconvenient faith.

There's nothing more convenient, addicting and cheap than living in America with ridiculous amounts of wealth, healthcare, food and possessions, then looking at a preacher in a book or a screen or a show while pleasuring yourself with the idea that God wants you to have more.

More? More money! More prosperity! Oh, God, yes! Yes! YES! Hallelujah!

What say you? What other ways can you think to compare prosperity gospels to any other drug?