Taking Back the Bible from Liberals

December 7, 2009

If you’re one of the millions of Bible-owning, non-Bible-reading Christians out there, turns out, you’ve got the upper hand all of a sudden.

Because the Bible we’ve all been reading is no good. In fact, it’s been corrupted by a bunch of *liberals.*

That’s the claim of The Conservative Bible Project, being conducted by “Conservapedia.” (Yes, that’s a lame Wikipedia rip-off.) They’re out to rid our Bibles of all the liberal nonsense that has destroyed the church.

Seriously, it’s only my hope that this “project” is pure satire that keeps alive my hope for Christianity. Sadly, my hope is waning. There’s a bunch of passages they’re set to change. Here’s a few of them:

Correct all the emasculating, gender-neutral pronouns.

Highlight the “free-market” parables of Christ. Get rid of all the words which might imply socialism.

You know that passage where Jesus forgave the adulteress? That’s got to go.

In fact, wherever you see the term “forgive your enemy” substitute “death penalty.” (Unless your enemy is a fetus.)

Print all the biblical occurrences of the words “hell,” “devil,” and “gay” in extra bold ink.

Instead of “wives submit to your husbands,” go back to original translation, “Know thy place, woman!” Also, instead of “husbands love your wives,” it should say, “and ladies, no pants, only skirts allowed.

Go ahead and clear up that confusion on alcohol by translating “wine” as “Welch’s pure sparkling grape juice” while we’re at it.

Turns out there were eleven original commandments. The missing text sounds suspiciously like the second amendment.

Peter never existed. He was just invented by the Pope as a bullet point on his resume. The disciple “Peter” replaced was named “Terrance” and he was a huge disappointment to Jesus.

Recover the lost verses of Matthew 1 : 26-42, the genealogy which proves that Barack Obama is a Muslim and a non-American.

Okay, so only the first three are explicitly stated on their website. But I wouldn’t be surprised if those others cropped up. There’s a bunch of other objectives you can read on their website.

Three thoughts come to my mind, about why this is completely idiotic.

Wait, I thought the Bible was Infallible…
For decades, the Bible has been lifted up by ultra-conservatives as the fourth member of the Trinity, perfectly inerrant in every last letter. Nothing has been lost, added, changed, or corrupted in the word of God. To think otherwise would be to doubt God’s ability to write one simple book.

To be honest, I lean strongly to this side of the fence. I think there’s a lot less wrong with our Bibles then there is with our stupid interpretations of it.

So you’ll forgive me for my confusion, now that the Bible is not so inerrant by conservative standards.

You’re doing this Wikipedia style?
Yes, they are. The website itself is called “Conservapedia.” Of course, the original, corruptible, liberal Bible was canonized, copied and translated over hundreds of years by hundreds of scholars who dedicated their lives to the study of language. It’s this kind of academic pursuit of scriptures that’s gotten us into the mess we’re in.

However, in our enlightened modern age, in a time when everyone has access to every bit of information on earth, when being published is as easy as starting a blog, and everyone feels they have a right to subject everyone to their opinions, we’ve learned that the best way to get the most accurate information, is to let any random amateur in sweatpants write it on Wikipedia.
Aren’t you just doing what the liberals did in the first place?
The whole beef these conservatives have with people who critique (read: doubt) the Bible, is that they’re just picking and choosing which scriptures they believe to be true, and which ones they believe to be corrupted or myth.

So how is this different? That’s what I thought. Owned = you.

I’m going to be somewhat transparent here and say that I consider myself theologically conservative. That said, these people are ruining the word “conservative.” I think we’re going to have to come up with a new word to describe people who just believe the Bible and aren’t totally nuts.

Any suggestions? What do you think? Is our Bible just a wreck of ideologies? Where do you stand on ‘Biblical inerrancy?’ If you could change the Bible (which you can) what would you rewrite?