I’d Rather Have a Lump of Coal

December 9, 2009

Ho Ho Ho!

In just a couple of weeks, jolly old St. Nick will decend through chimneys worldwide to deliver the toys most wanted by greedy little children. Endless weeks of dreaming, begging, wishing and pretending to behave will be fulfilled as children unwrap the toys they have most coveted.

Santa’s supposed to be an expert on what children want. And yet, many times, Santa’s gifts deliver not just joy to children, buy buyer’s remorse to parents. This is surprising, considering parents are supposed to have the last say on what Santa can deliver.

One of the most troublesome genre of toys are the dolls. Children love to have little playmates that can’t hit back or tattle like a baby brother can. Dolls, action figures and plush toys fill this need for role models/playmates/whipping boys. Unfortunately, these happen to be some of the most annoying toys Santa can deliver…maybe even more annoying than Santa delivering an extra child to your door!

Maybe you parents ought to check Santa’s list twice after considering these popular nightmare toys Santa punished naughty parents with in years’ past.

Remember when Santa brought these for Christmas…

It took Americans about 20 minutes to realize Furbies were evil. But it was too late. They were already in our homes, and we paid Santa a billion dollars to put them there. Furby constantly wanted attention, (in the form of you bringing him more Furbies.) The only way to make Furby shut his furry trap was to throw him in the closet and try to get him out of your nightmares, hoping he wouldn’t wake up. But Furby still lurks in the dark corners of your home…somewhere…waiting…

Talking Barney
For some reason, American parents of the last generation took a break from Sesame Street, and entrusted the early education of their children to a man wearing a giant purple dinosaur suit, who sang some of the most vapid, worthless songs ever sang by a man in a giant purple dinosaur suit. I know, it sounds like that would be perfect preparation for public schooling. But Barney is only on TV for a couple of hours a day! What is a child to do for the other 23 mercifully Barney-free hours? The only thing that made Barney entertaining was giving him to the dog while hearing him sing “I love you, you love me…”

Singing/Laughing/Talking/Chicken Dancing Elmo
Sesame Street recaptured the magic (witchery) that Barney was trying to steal, by unleashing their most irritating, overlooked character on masses of mushy minds. Elmo is the Jar-Jar Binks of Sesame Street, and has appeared in all manner of ungodly forms, designed to delight children, and enrage parents. Like kids need any help learning how to annoy others, Elmo has to teach them how to chicken dance. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Sesame Street, please, take a note from George Lucas and drop Jar-Jar. Tell everyone he went out for cigarettes. After all, Elmo will stunt childrens’ growth even more than the cigarettes that are marketed to them. Thanks, Santa.

Girls today need role models to look up to. Barbie is too irrelevant to speak to the real issues of womankind today. It’s a shame that today, a girl might grow up to be 12 or even 13 before learning how to dress like a spoiled valley girl, turned hooker. The sooner girls can be taught that reading is cool, especially when the words are printed on your naughty bits, the better. My theory is the dolls keep showing up at Christmas because they’re the Christmas elves’ ideal of feminine beauty…or adult film stars. Their image of what real elf women look like is so warped.

The Steve Urkel Doll
Steve Urkel was the comically annoying neighbor on “Family Matters,” which is probably the last decent sitcom ABC has produced. The show centered around Steve weaseling himself into the ordinary lives of his neighbors, with hilariously irritating and destructive results. Somehow, while the Winslows were always trying to keep Steve out of the house, Santa thought every other American home should invite Steve into their homes, complete with a pull-string and five of his most “popular” annoying phrases. Somehow, my parents, with their otherwise stellar record of wise parenting, were punished with not just one, but two Urkel dolls in their home, one for me, and the other for my brother. We were cleaning out our parents’ basement a few months ago, and who should we find? Same old Urkel, and the pull-string still worked! How can something die that had no soul to begin with?

A Puppy
The only thing more annoying than any of these dolls is Santa bringing a child a puppy for Christmas. Say what you will about Steve Urkel, at least he never crapped on your rug. I even give Elmo more credit than that. (I don’t think there’s a “Crap on the Rug Elmo.”) Why does everyone think “Marley” is endearing? Sure he was cute on the surface, kind of like a Mitch Albom book. But he was a terrible dog…kind of like a Mitch Albom book, and his owners were the worst kinds of owners for letting him be that way!

I’m not saying don’t get a puppy. It’s just really hard to “give away” the Christmas puppy if he turns out to be a spawn of Satan’s dog.

Beware, the same Santa who brought you these is the same man who has the power to fill your homes with Hannah Montana! Fear him!

Ah, the joy of Christmas.

What are some of the most annoying gifts Santa has blessed you or your children with?