How Do You Say, "This Song is Terrible," in Spanish?

December 14, 2009

Well, by now we’re knee deep in Christmas cheer. 

That means we’re scrambling from store to store, and from one workplace party to the next, and from one Christmas pagaent to another.  And all the while, the singers on the radio are seranading us with season’s greetings.

And by about this time each year, I’ve had enough musical holiday cheer to make me want to go live at the North Pole…and be a hermit.

Christmas is the time when musicians oftentimes put away their deft musical instincts and crank up the hokiness to eleven.  While most Christmas hymns are timeless and not terrible, the same cannot be said for secular Christmas music.  What we get is an avalanche of grating, insipid, repetitive songs that make us wish Christmas only came once every ten years.

Yet, there is a silver lining.  If I were a radio DJ at Christmas, here’s what I would, and would never play.

Don’t play it: Feliz Navidad

This song must be the result of the worst case of writer’s block in history.
“What have you got for me, Jose?”
“Uhhh…uh…I want to wish you a merry Christmas.”
“…That’s it?”
“…from…the…bottom of my heart?”
“How long have you been working on this?”
“…Six months.”
“Maybe you can add some Spanish flair to it.”
The result?  The most repetitive, pointless twenty bi-lingual words known to man.  Think about how many pesos per word he makes every time you suffer through this song.
Play this instead:  Harry Connick Jr. When My Heart Finds Christmas
What, the whole album?  Yes.  Harry Connick Jr. is a stud, even in a turtleneck, and so is this album, and no, I don’t mind telling you.  My family basically owned one Christmas album and this was it.  I never tire of It Must Have Been Old Santa Claus.
Please don’t play it: Wonderful Christmastime
This “song” makes me want to go to Paul McCartney’s home and ruin his wonderful Christmas, by any means necessary.  How can a song last so long while saying so little?  I hear he’s actually renounced the song, but I feel restitution must be paid.
Think about this.  If Paul McCartney were never born, there would be no Beatles.  That’s bad.  Yet, we would be spared from this Christmas abomination.  That’s good!  Yes, I think the price to pay would be worth it.  I would vote for no Beatles.  The world would be a very different place, a kinder, gentler place.

Remember last year when we heard all those stories of Christmas shoppers fighting over items and getting run over and stuff?  Turns out, all those instances occurred while this song was playing in the stores.

Play this instead:  Mercy Me: The Christmas Sessions
Another brilliant Christmas album.  But I would especially vote for God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and Christmastime is Here.  You know that song from Charlie Brown.  Nothing better than a Charlie Brown song to get you pumped for Christmas.
If you play this again, I will move to the North Pole:  Christmas with the Chipmunks
I thought we were past our little Chipmunk phase.  Back when records were high tech, some genius came up with the amazing idea of speeding it up, and thus the chipmunks were born. Hey, every generation of kids has to have something to annoy the living daylights out of their parents.  Then we moved on to other annoying obsessions. 
Yet, some things just refuse to die.  We got a Chipmunks movie a couple of years ago, as a tribute to the old lovable characters from our childhood.  There they were, warbling modern songs in those squeaky voices.  And you went to see it.  So now we get a sequel, and those old children’s songs still get played on the radio.
Do you see what you’ve done?  It’s like an ancient curse, placed upon the heads who disturb an Egyptian tomb.

Play this instead:  Mariah Carey: All I Want for Christmas is You
Why listen to a bunch of rodents when you can listen to a total fox?  Every other Christmas “romance” song looks like a re-gift in comparison.  Doesn’t hurt that Mariah Carey is almost as easy on the eyes as old Harry either.  No, it doesn’t hurt that she’ll be forty next year either.  Just means she can graduate from the fox club to the cougar club.  Me-ow!

There’s so many other songs that need to be put out with the dead Christmas tree.  There’s even a few church Christmas songs that deserve dubious mention.  Mary, Did You Know?…I’m looking at you.  What Christmas songs would you banish, and which would you put on repeat for a month solid?