Holiday Remix: Eggnog was a Bad Choice!

December 2, 2009

Did you notice it? The eggnog in the dairy case at the store…

It’s beckoning you.

Since Christmas music and plastic Santas now show up in stores before Halloween, they can’t be trusted with the duty of ringing in the Christmas season. They blew it in a big way, and the torch must be passed.

So now, the official sign of the holidays for me is the quiet, yet giddy return of the eggnog.

So as I sit down with my first of many glasses of eggnog this season, I thought it was appropriate to rewrite an old gem of a blog post from long ago. And by “long ago,” I mean last year, because that’s when my blog started.

Yes, to me eggnog is the perfect holiday beverage. Dare I say, it is the finest beverage ever invented since melted ice cream. It is truly fit for a king’s grail, wedding toasts, or christening ships. I postulate that lactose intolerant people give up celebrating Christmas, because it just isn’t worth it. Eggnog is the most appropriate beverage for Christmas, and Christmas is the most appropriate day for eggnog.

And that being the case, that means that every other day is a slightly less appropriate one for eggnog. The most inappropriate day for eggnog? June 25. That’s Jesus’ un-birthday. Jesus doesn’t celebrate un-birthdays; he thinks they’re stupid. In fact, if your birthday is on June 25, I’d just keep that a secret.

Yes, the occasions for the viscous dairy treat are very specific, and we risk hurting ourselves should we attempt to make eggnog a part of inappropriate activities. The government tries to protect us by outlawing it before Thanksgiving. However, there are still plenty of opportunities to make eggnog a completely inappropriate choice for liquid refreshment even during the holiday season. I submit to you some occasions and places where eggnog is a bad choice:

The Movies
Good idea: sneaking candy and a small soda into the theater in your wife’s purse. Cheap snacks, and she takes the fall if you get caught by that teenage usher with the baton flashlight.

Better idea: Flaunting the rules in an awesomely inappropriate way by sneaking in not just a small bottle, but a ludicrous amount of eggnog to the movies in your wife’s purse.

If theaters don’t want patrons sneaking in eggnog, they should sell it themselves. I think it would be worth it and awesome to get caught by one of the ushers with more eggnog than any one person could possibly drink in one sitting. Say, a couple of half gallons. It just makes me think of Dan Ackroyd stuffing that giant salmon under his filthy gray Santa beard in Trading Places.

The Gym
Maybe you’ve been booking it on the treadmill for like 10 minutes, and if you’re anything like me, you’re about to pass out. Actually, if you’re anything like me, you’re laughing quietly at the person on the treadmill while eating a chicken fried steak.

Anyway, the sweat is dripping off of you. So you take your squirt bottle and squeeze it into your mouth, and maybe a little on your head and dab yourself with a stale gym towel. If you’re in a Gatorade commercial, you dump Gatorade on your head, because everyone knows flavored sugar water is better for cooling off than regular water.

Know what isn’t good for cooling off during a sweaty workout? Eggnog. Try as you might, it just doesn’t work. Know what the worst combination of smells is? Gym sweat, regurgitated eggnog, and a bunch of strangers’ ‘sympathy’ vomit. That’s what you will have.

The Cocktail Party
To a lot of people, one of the highlights of the holidays is putting on a fuzzy sweater and sharing some “holiday cheer” in a champagne flute, and then inarticulately “singing” the New Year’s song. (Kind of like how we “sing” the National Anthem.) Some amateur might feel it’s appropriate to put eggnog on his turbulent tummy after a few cocktails. This is a guarantee no one will meet you under the mistletoe, ever. There’s some kind of college frat-boy adage, “beer before liquor – never been sicker.” A similar old adage applies here, “booze before eggnog, you’re an idiot.”

The Nursing Home
Let’s be honest. Eggnog bloats your digestive tract and makes you smell like death. And when it comes to old people, their sense of hearing and smell has probably deteriorated. Combine that with that general “who cares, I’m 96” attitude that old people get, and you have a recipe for disaster.

Communion
I’m on the fence here. While eggnog is a beverage fit for a king’s grail, would it really be fit for the holy grail? I’m inclined to say yes, yes it is. If I were one of the twelve disciples, I would’ve made sure there was eggnog available. Then again, eggnog might send all the Catholics into some kind of existential crisis or something. Maybe the Baptists could pull it off, since it’s just a memorial to them anyway…provided you keep the booze out of it.

On second thought, better just steer clear of that one.

Eggnog is great, but only in the right places, kind of like dogs or children or Sean Penn.

Actually, that’s a pretty good rule of thumb. Any place you wouldn’t want to see Sean Penn, you shouldn’t bring eggnog. Please refer to the above. See what I mean? I think I’m on to something.

What other places and times would delicious eggnog be a terrible choice?