Archive - December, 2009

Ten Years Gone, and Ten New Year’s Predictions

December 30, 2009 in culture with 0 Comments

Wow. Remember that whole Y2K thing? That was ten years ago!  Back then, we were all being mesmerized by a tiny dancing baby cartoon on the internet.  Man, that was annoying.  Good thing someone invented YouTube…
New Year’s is always great for reflecting on the past, and dreaming about the future, which will look like The Jetsons.  It’s always crazy to realize a whole year has passed…or a whole decade.  Kind of makes me wonder what I accomplished.
Let’s see…

Ten years ago, I dated my first high school girlfriend.  I graduated and went to a Christian college where no one drank beer, then to a state college where everyone drank beer.  Then I went to a Baptist seminary where no one drank beer.  I met, dated, and married my wife, and thankfully, we did not live on the seminary campus.  I got enough of “Baptist life” in class.  I was a youth pastor and watched my church have a crisis and fall apart.  Despite this, perhaps out of sheer self loathing, I continued to pursue the ministry.  We started a house church.  When I gave up my church pay, I had to swallow my pride and get my stupid high school job back at the grocery store.  That was fun, working with high schoolers, getting paid like a high schooler.

Then, just as the end writing countless seminary papers was in sight, I decide I should start a blog, for some reason.  And that’s how I spend this year.  I also started pursuing teaching as my ‘bi-vocational’ career.

And that’s about it.

So by now, my 20s are running short, and there are some things I would’ve hoped to achieve by now…like having a profitable career.  Is it sad that I’m looking forward to making a teacher’s salary?  Don’t answer that.

I’m kind of hoping the next couple of years are really amazing so I’ll have something to talk about at the class reunion.

Okay, so the last ten years have been pretty good. But I’m still hoping the next ten years are better. 

Since I just looked back, it seems right to go ahead and look ahead too.  I’ve got some predictions for the next several years:

November 2010:  A new product is unveiled in time for holidays which makes your 2009 Christmas present look like a piece of crap that you are embarassed to own.

2011: Science solves all of our problems.  Everyone praises Almighty Science.

2012:  Science runs amok.  Everyone curses science.  Pat Robertson takes this opportunity to say, “Told you so.”

2013: A new device floods the market, making it even easier than ever to communicate, access information, and send pictures of your girlfriend’s naughty bits to everyone.
2014:  Finding secular culture too offensive, Christians take whatever is popular at the time and invent some generic, useless, Jesus-ified knock-off.  This allows them to never interact with non-Christians and in no way makes them look like idiots to everyone.

2028:  There’s a nuclear war. And because of all the radiation, cats develope the ability to shoot lasers out of their mouths. Some will use the cats for good, others for evil.

2029:  The last man to believe that Elvis is alive has to come to terms with the fact that at this point in time, it is very very unlikely.

2031:  Oprah’s brain is removed from her dying body and placed in a cybernetic robot suit.  Oprah continues to rule women for a thousand years.

2067:  For some reason, Paris Hilton is still famous, and no one knows why.  Her skanky behavior is even less appealing when she’s old and wrinkly, yet people are powerless to avert their eyes.

Sunday, April 8, 2649: Jesus returns. Mark my words, everyone. For those of you left behind, make sure your DVR is set.

How would you sum up your last ten years?  What do you hope to achieve in the next year…or ten?  What are your predictions for the coming years?

Christmas Family Game Night

December 28, 2009 in family with 0 Comments

Hey everyone!  I hope you had a great Christmas.  It was a good holiday, here at my house with my wife, Cheri.
Sure, the snow canceled some plans.  We got stuck in the snow at the end of our driveway for an hour while trying to see the family on Christmas morning.  Then we got stuck in it again when we came back home.  Cheri and I spent our snow day watching the old Christmas specials we hadn’t seen in decades.  We laughed out loud at “Muppet Family Christmas.”  I’m pretty sure our Christmas cards next year are going to have Animal on them yelling, “Peace on Earth, gimme presents!”
Cheri and I even got in some quality, “lightly competitve” time on our Wii and a new game.  In fact, we find game time is very theraputic, and a good way to work out whatever conflicts we may be having in our marriage.  Please observe:
Just the two of us, having a sweet time playing Mario Bros.

Nudging, kicking, tickling…whatever it takes to win.  That’s how I roll.
Um…this is how I tell my wife I love her…
…It’s also how I tell my wife I won.
Taken out of context, I can see how this would look like showboating.
This is my wife being a party pooper.
She claims she lost because I was yelling at her.  Whatev.
Finally!  I have it to myself, like I wanted in the first place.
Just me, getting my game on.
Yes, that’s my game face, at all times.
I sort of don’t remember what came after this, but I do recall
Cheri humming “The Godfather” theme in my ear as I lost consciousness.
They should really put a warning on those Wii remote cords.  Something like:
WARNING:  Not for use as strangulation device on husband,
just because he’s way better than you at Mario, and always will be.
Okay, so maybe gaming isn’t going to be what keeps us together.  But it’s still better than when we play “Candy Land.”  That game is brutal.  What about you?  Does your family have game time?  What’s your favorite game?  Does it end with hugs, or bruised egos?

A Letter from Santa

December 21, 2009 in holidays with 0 Comments

Merry Christmas!
As the big day will soon be here, I felt it would be appropriate to share something that truly captures the spirit of the holiday…moreso than snarking on terrible Christmas songs and whatnot, despite my incalculable talent at doing so.

I got lots of letters from Santa when I was a kid. They usually told my brother and I that we were good kids, but he also told us how we could improve in the coming year.

But nothing prepared me for the letter from Santa I read a couple of weeks ago. It’s hands down the best letter I’ve ever read from Santa. It also happened to be delivered to the home of a great blog friend, Katdish.  I’m not in the habit of re-posting stuff from other people, but this was better than anything I would be able to create.

I’m signing off for the rest of the week, until next Monday, and wanted to leave you with this:

Last year, my then 7 year old daughter began to hear rumblings at school that there was no such thing as Santa Claus, that the jolly old elf was just mom and dad putting gifts under the tree after you fell asleep.

My daughter was not ready to give up on Santa. She had some rather heated discussions with her classmates defending this wonderful elf bearing gifts and good cheer. She was so incensed that she wrote Santa the letter you see here. 

It read: “Dear Santa, I need to prove that you are real, so if you will sign here that would be great!  Love Rachel
P.S. I love Christmas!”

On Christmas morning, the letter was signed and the cookies were eaten, but Mr. Kringle also wrote this letter:


My Dearest Rachel:
Thank you so much for your letter. It was so nice of you to take the time to write me. Your mom and dad have been very proud of you and your brother this year. Even though you don’t always get along, I know that you love each other very much. Sometimes brothers and sisters just get on each other’s nerves! You are such a sweet girl. I especially love the way you are always concerned about someone else’s feelings, even when they have been unkind to you. It takes a very special person to love that way.

Now as to your question of whether or not I am real. The simple answer is yes, I am. The complete answer requires a bit more complicated explanation. There are many boys and girls of all ages that either believed in me at one time, then stopped believing, or simply have never believed in me. There are even some boys and girls that have never heard of me, if you can believe that! Rachel, what I would like you to understand is that your belief in me makes me real. For as long as your heart tells you that there is a Santa Claus, that is where I will be. For those who say I am not real, I do not exist; for those who believe, I do exist.

I would also like to clear up a little rumor about me that has been going around since before I can remember. It is not true that only good boys and girls get presents from Santa. There are many very good children that get very little; there are others who have been very naughty indeed, yet get lots of toys. The decisions about who gets what toys I must leave to their moms and dads. It is not my place to make these choices.

The truth of the matter is that none of us are truly good except for Jesus. And Christmas is about celebrating God coming to earth in the form of a little baby born in Bethlehem. There may come a day when you no longer believe in me, and I want you to know that that is okay with me. Like I said before, I exist in the hearts of those who choose to believe in me. Jesus Christ, on the other hand, has no such limitations. He is real whether you choose to believe in Him or not, and He loves all of us so very much that He left His perfect home with God so we could someday join Him there. I know I am very special to you, and I appreciate that very much. But I also know you understand that Christmas is not about me; it is about celebrating the birth of Jesus — the very best gift of all. A very Merry Christmas to you.

Love, Santa Claus

Is that cool or what? Whether you believe in Santa or not, that’s a good letter.

Thank you so much for reading my blog.  The few minutes you give me each week are a great gift to me.  Those of you who keep blogs – thank you for sharing your world with us.  I hope each of you has a wonderful Christmas celebration.  I’ll see you back here in time to get ready for New Year’s – Monday December 28.

Tell me, did Santa ever say anything to you?

Blogger Interview: Matthew Paul Turner

December 18, 2009 in guests and interviews with 0 Comments

Christmas is all about giving, and doing things for other people.  In that spirit, I’m making someone else write my blog for me today.  I’m back with another fantastic blogger interview.  Today, I bring to you not only an amazingly funny and versitile blogger, but he’s the author of fantastic books like Churched and The Christian Culture Survival Guide.

Here’s Matthew Paul Turner.

You’ve been blogging for three years and writing books for a while too. How’d the writing career get started?

It would be easy and cliche of me to say “God arranged it.” But I’m inclined to think if it was all Him, I’d be a better writer. However, his way of doing things was certainly involved.  I sort of tripped into it when I landed my job at Crosswalk.com, then at CCM. Writing sort of came natural to me, at least, the putting-my-personality-down-on-paper part. The “writing in complete sentences” part came later.  I landed my first book deal, and because my “style” was unique in the Christian publishing world, I’ve been able to write full time ever since. My venture into blogging came in 2006 when I started planning for the release of a book called Jesus Needs New PR. The book never released, but the blogging remained. I love blogging because it’s flexible and uncomplicated.

Any blog or author heroes you look up to?
Of course. Some of my favorite writers include, Anne Lamott, David Sedaris, Augusten Burroughs, Henri Nouwen, GK Chesterton, Cynthia Kaplan, Dave Eggers, and many many others.

Bloggers I enjoy include: my wife at TheMomCreative.com, Pete Wilson at WithoutWax.tv, Jonathan Acuff at StuffChristiansLike.net, and Anne Jackson at FlowerDust.net. I also enjoy Wonkette.com, SketchySantas.com, PeopleOfWalmart.com… I often navigate to the stupid, less serious blogs.

Your author list makes me feel stupid, but your blogger list makes me feel smart.  I have far more time for the stupid blogs. What field of work were you in before writing?

When you say “field,” you mean “mission field,” right? Either way, my “field” was Coffeehouse Ministry Professional. I ran Jammin’ Java in Northern Virginia, an amazing coffee/life music venue. I write a little about Jammin Java in my next book, “Hear No Evil.”

In your pictures, you’re usually rocking the unshaven “I’m a writer, so I don’t have to try to look handsome, it just happens on its own” look. Do you find this inspires your writing, or causes people who see you in Panera Bread typing on your laptop to assume that you are a brilliant professional writer?
That’s my “look”?  Nice.  I suppose it’s inspired laziness.  People at Panera and Starbucks are probably thinking, “I wish that jackass would get out of the leather comfy chairs. He’s been there all day!”  But my “look” gets pretty rough when I’m closing in on the end of a book. During those times, I often go days without showering, shaving, sleeping, or being around people. Yeah, it’s not pretty or professional. But it’s sort of inspiring when a shower becomes your reward for finishing another chapter. Yeah, pray for my wife.

Your blog got a lot of attention for spending a whole week on posts about sex, and now you blog about sex regularly.  Many of us haven’t had a week of sex talk / giggling / awkward silence since junior high health class (except for that kid whose parents didn’t sign the permission slip.) What inspired this?

NavPress, told me they were putting my book What You Didn’t Learn From Your Parents About Sex out of print. I asked them if they were willing to give it away for free. They agreed. So “Sex Week” sort of evolved after that, as a way to get people excited about a free book. But wow. It turned into something much bigger than I expected.

That’s what she said. 

Sex can be an awkward/giggle inducing thing to talk about.  After so much time making people talk about it, what is still the most giggle inducing sex-related word?

Scrotum…
Whisper that word into somebody’s ear and watch the results happen. It’s almost glorious.

You are almost as immature for answering that question as I am for asking it. 

Your blog oftentimes receives comments from people gravely concerned that you are a terrible person. How do you feel about people who don’t get your humor, or think you’re a bad Christian?

Well, I used to think every last one of them were mean-spirited, Obama-hating, hell-loving fundamentalist Christians. But that’s shallow on my part, and quite self-centered. It’s never fair to “define” somebody by a comment or email just like it’s not fair to define somebody by a blog post or even a book.  And online, it’s so easy to become unlike your true self; and do it anonymously. Some of the nicest people in the world can act like bastards online. Did I answer your question? Are you going to send me an email for writing the word “bastard”?

No I’ll just let all of the readers flame you.  That’s strike two, if I’m counting correctly. 

A regular feature on your blog are gloriously weird portrayals of Jesus you find.  What’s your favorite Jesus picture you’ve ever come across?
There are so many! But I must say the “With You Always” series of Jesus drawings are in my top ten for sure.

What preacher, living or dead, would you most like to arm-wrestle? Do you think you would win?
Paula White if I want to win. Or Joel Osteen. He’s a preacher, right?
Mark Driscoll if I want my hand to smell.
Jonathan Edwards if want to feel emotionally and physically beaten up afterwards.

Churched, in my opinion was a great book.
Thank you, Matt. That’s means a lot.

Please let me finish.  Have you fully healed from your childhood religious wounds?
I am at a place in life where I can celebrate the redemption through Jesus without fear. That’s miles away from where I was last year. But I don’t believe I’ll ever fully heal from what I experienced as a child. I’m not sure I’m supposed to. My childhood no longer “defines” me, but it will always be with me. In a lot of ways, it’s “fuel” to remind me to stand up for the people who have been kicked out of church, the people that the evangelical world has pushed into corners, and those who’ve been convinced that they can’t engage God’s story. And it reminds me not to be afraid. Far too many Christians have “fear” rather than “faith.”

Any hints on a new book in the pipeline?
My new book  is called Hear No Evil: My Story of Innocence, Music, and the Holy Ghost, and it hits stores in February. All of the essays come from my experiences with music (I wanted to be the Michael Jackson of Christian music) and how music affected my innocence as well as my understanding of God and grace.

Thanks for a great interview, Matthew.  Be sure to check out his blog and send him some hate (or prayer) mail at Jesus Needs New PR.

Holiday Remix: Christmas Vegans

December 16, 2009 in holidays with 0 Comments

In the spirit of holiday regifting, I’m dredging up another classic holiday blog post, rewritten and repackaged with a bright shiny bow!

I feel bad for people who don’t celebrate Christmas.  It’s a great holiday.  I feel almost as bad for you, as I do for the vegans who do celebrate Christmas.  They’re stuck eating Tofurky for Christmas dinner.  Doesn’t that look tasty?
Have you noticed Christians don’t really know what to do with the holidays?  We’re really conflicted.  We were fine with our holidays, as long as everyone else kept their hands off.  But almost everyone likes Christmas, so we’re not sure what we think of it now.
Some of us Christians celebrate Christmas in the traditional way.  And by “traditional,” I mean the “traditionally modern capitalistically-centered celebration with festive Jesus sprinkles on our sugar cookies” way.  We get Christmas trees, we give gifts, we bake junk food, we go to church.  We know our Christmas is a little unhealthy, but we like it anyway.

Then there are those Christians who are “getting back to basics” as Christians like to say.  You may forego the Christmas trees.  You don’t tell your kids about Santa, because you don’t want to “lie” to them.  Maybe you actually cook healthy food.  You give few, if any gifts.  Perhaps your family dresses up as a live Nativity scene…for the whole month.  Your Christmas is completely 24/7 sweet baby Jesus.
I call you “Christmas Vegans.”  You are abstaining from all the unhealthy Christmas habits the rest of us carnal, gluttous Christians still indulge in.  You’re having a Tofurky Christmas.  You claim it’s just as tasty as what we’re used to, and we should try it, but we are dubious.
And while I respect all of your decisions, you are a pain.
You didn’t try to be a pain.  Real vegans don’t try to be a pain either.  But they show up to the Fourth of July party, and while they quietly fill their plates with salad, minding their own business, I feel I have to speak up and explain just why I happen to be stuffing thirteen animal products in my face all at once.  Something about your presence causes me to need to justify myself. 
People who don’t own TVs are the same way.  Everyone will be talking about all the great reality shows, or the latest trashy episode of The Bachelor, and some book-reading “professor” will mention she doesn’t own a TV, she reads books.  Suddenly everyone’s backtracking, saying they don’t really watch it at all, trying to think of the last non-vampire book they read.  Or they say they just watch TV because they like to know what the enemy is doing (the “enemy” being Satan or NBC.)

And then some teetotaller shows up, and I guess I’m supposed to feel bad about being on my fourth hot toddy at 11 in the morning. 

So to clarify, you Christmas Vegans are a pain because your actions make me look bad.  While I’m talking about the iPod I got for Christmas, you are talking about the soup kitchen you spent all Christmas working at.  It makes me feel a little self conscious, and I’ll thank you to stop.  I feel I need to drop the phrase “reason for the season” into conversation with you, or recite the King James version of the Christmas story a la Linus from Charlie Brown.

I need you to know that I love Jesus, perhaps even more than you do.  I just love eggnog, cookies, and giving (and getting) presents too.  In fact, I can love presents and Jesus, because I just have lots of love in my heart.  Some people have enough love for big families.  I have enough love for big presents.  And I’m sorry you have such a small Grinch heart so you cannot understand that.  I’m not going to stop enjoying those things just because a bunch of pagans do that too.  Guess what?  A bunch of pagans go to church on Christmas too.  There.  I am justified.  You have nothing on me.  Enjoy your tofurky, I have a doorbuster deal to grab.

And yet…

I find myself drawn in.  There are definately more Christmas Vegans this year, I’ve noticed.  Or at least Christians who are indulging in less.  Maybe it’s the economy.  But maybe people are genuinely tired of the Christmas rat race.

And I am starting to feel the same way.  Your Christmas stinginess and scroogery is making me re-evaluate my own habits.  My wife and I realized we could simplify our Christmas just by trimming the budget.  Novel idea!  For example, we have yet to buy a Christmas tree, ever. Our tree is a trade made with my brother.  We also decided we’d trim our gifts that we purchase down by $5-$10 each.  We have also made a point that we will not visit the movies on Christmas.  That’s just our thing, and I won’t judge you if your family does go to the movies (though you are free to feel judged.) 

Wow, I can see why you Christmas Vegans are going for a simpler holiday.  I feel holier about myself already, just by telling you all that!  Do you need to re-read that list of holy things I’m doing to get some ideas about how to improve yourself?  I think I need a reward for being so awesome.  Maybe a couple extra cookies tonight.

Are you a Christmas vegan? A carnivore? What’s your favorite “worldly” part of Christmas? What part do you wish would go away?  Are you simplifying your Christmas, or do you revel in every candy cane?

How Do You Say, "This Song is Terrible," in Spanish?

December 14, 2009 in holidays with 0 Comments

Well, by now we’re knee deep in Christmas cheer. 

That means we’re scrambling from store to store, and from one workplace party to the next, and from one Christmas pagaent to another.  And all the while, the singers on the radio are seranading us with season’s greetings.

And by about this time each year, I’ve had enough musical holiday cheer to make me want to go live at the North Pole…and be a hermit.

Christmas is the time when musicians oftentimes put away their deft musical instincts and crank up the hokiness to eleven.  While most Christmas hymns are timeless and not terrible, the same cannot be said for secular Christmas music.  What we get is an avalanche of grating, insipid, repetitive songs that make us wish Christmas only came once every ten years.

Yet, there is a silver lining.  If I were a radio DJ at Christmas, here’s what I would, and would never play.

Don’t play it: Feliz Navidad

This song must be the result of the worst case of writer’s block in history.
“What have you got for me, Jose?”
“Uhhh…uh…I want to wish you a merry Christmas.”
“…That’s it?”
“…from…the…bottom of my heart?”
“How long have you been working on this?”
“…Six months.”
“Maybe you can add some Spanish flair to it.”
The result?  The most repetitive, pointless twenty bi-lingual words known to man.  Think about how many pesos per word he makes every time you suffer through this song.
Play this instead:  Harry Connick Jr. When My Heart Finds Christmas
What, the whole album?  Yes.  Harry Connick Jr. is a stud, even in a turtleneck, and so is this album, and no, I don’t mind telling you.  My family basically owned one Christmas album and this was it.  I never tire of It Must Have Been Old Santa Claus.
Please don’t play it: Wonderful Christmastime
This “song” makes me want to go to Paul McCartney’s home and ruin his wonderful Christmas, by any means necessary.  How can a song last so long while saying so little?  I hear he’s actually renounced the song, but I feel restitution must be paid.
Think about this.  If Paul McCartney were never born, there would be no Beatles.  That’s bad.  Yet, we would be spared from this Christmas abomination.  That’s good!  Yes, I think the price to pay would be worth it.  I would vote for no Beatles.  The world would be a very different place, a kinder, gentler place.

Remember last year when we heard all those stories of Christmas shoppers fighting over items and getting run over and stuff?  Turns out, all those instances occurred while this song was playing in the stores.

Play this instead:  Mercy Me: The Christmas Sessions
Another brilliant Christmas album.  But I would especially vote for God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen and Christmastime is Here.  You know that song from Charlie Brown.  Nothing better than a Charlie Brown song to get you pumped for Christmas.
If you play this again, I will move to the North Pole:  Christmas with the Chipmunks
I thought we were past our little Chipmunk phase.  Back when records were high tech, some genius came up with the amazing idea of speeding it up, and thus the chipmunks were born. Hey, every generation of kids has to have something to annoy the living daylights out of their parents.  Then we moved on to other annoying obsessions. 
Yet, some things just refuse to die.  We got a Chipmunks movie a couple of years ago, as a tribute to the old lovable characters from our childhood.  There they were, warbling modern songs in those squeaky voices.  And you went to see it.  So now we get a sequel, and those old children’s songs still get played on the radio.
Do you see what you’ve done?  It’s like an ancient curse, placed upon the heads who disturb an Egyptian tomb.

Play this instead:  Mariah Carey: All I Want for Christmas is You
Why listen to a bunch of rodents when you can listen to a total fox?  Every other Christmas “romance” song looks like a re-gift in comparison.  Doesn’t hurt that Mariah Carey is almost as easy on the eyes as old Harry either.  No, it doesn’t hurt that she’ll be forty next year either.  Just means she can graduate from the fox club to the cougar club.  Me-ow!

There’s so many other songs that need to be put out with the dead Christmas tree.  There’s even a few church Christmas songs that deserve dubious mention.  Mary, Did You Know?…I’m looking at you.  What Christmas songs would you banish, and which would you put on repeat for a month solid?

Page 1 of 212»

Switch to our mobile site