Life After Oprah

November 23, 2009

“Noooooooooooooooo!”

Such was the worldwide reaction last Friday as Oprah announced, in an unfathomably selfish decision, that her show will end in 2011.

Thus, after 25 years, 60 million men will be freed from the tripod marriages they’ve had with their wives and Oprah, and 60 million women will be left in a state of utter helplessness. Thankfully, the disaster will not impact nearly as many women as it would have, had it happened ten years ago. Still, 60 million definately qualifies for the ‘pandemic’ category.

On Friday, Oprah said that a lot of prayer went into her decision. If that’s the case, then all I have to say right now is,

“Why, God? Whyyyyyyyyyyy?!”

At this time in history, when unemployment is sky high, millions go without health insurance, and violence threatens the world…who can possibly care? Oprah is retiring! I have some predictions about the future of Earth’s most important citizen.

Life After Oprah: My Predictions

Society will revert into a primitive and strangely familiar state of chauvinism as millions of husbands attempt to reclaim the role of telling their wives what to think.

Oprah will spend the next two years being photographed hundreds of times for future “O” magazine covers. No one will be allowed to watch her timeless beauty fade into a sunset of old age.

If Jesus doesn’t show up in the next two years, he’s not going to have the platform or the endorsement he’ll need to get the world’s attention. He might have to settle for showing up on “Lopez Tonight.” Rough start to the end of the world.

Oprah will use her final episode to tell her audience the benefits of the new organic, $19 a bottle bath products she’s selling, and the exciting opportunity everyone has to join her sales team. All you need to do is find people to work underneath you and you get a cut of their profits!

Oprah will then invite America to her house for a “slumber party.”

Oprah will campaign for a Senate seat, promising to fix our economy on a platform of “Oprahnomics.”

Chevy Chase will make a glorious return to the talk-show industry as the heir apparent to Oprah.

Like a mother bird, Oprah is finally pushing her young chicks out of the nest to fly on their own. Without the care of a strong, successful, glass-ceiling-breaking, female role-model filling their mid-afternoons, woman will now be able to be like their hero…by, you know, actually getting jobs of their own.

Enjoying her newfound extra time in retirement, Oprah will buy a TV Guide and a red pen, and plan her day around watching Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz and Suze Orman.

On one uneventful afternoon, Oprah will purchase the nation of Monaco, just because she can.

Entranced by the lights and sounds of the Monaco casinos, Oprah will lose Monaco in a foolish wager against Stedman Graham.

Oliver Stone will produce “O,” a movie that slanders Winfrey as a bombastic, roller-coaster dieting, self-promoting, psycho-babble spewing control freak, as well as a Freemason.

Ever the admirer of Ashton Kutcher, and his 2003-07 MTV show “Punk’d,” Oprah starts her own show, “O’Punk’d.” First episode: trashing each of the 300 cars given away to audience members in 2004.

Oprah will have herself cryogenically frozen, so she may come to the aid of humanity when they need her again in the future.

Oprah will release the ninja-strength chokehold she has over the television and publishing industries…in an alternate universe.

Men won’t realize how great they had it with Oprah’s afternoon show until she launches her 24-hour-a-day cable network, the delightfully ominous sounding “Oprah Winfrey Network,” or “OWN.”

What do you think? Are you a fan, or an anti-fan of Oprah? Has she made a positive impact, or derailed into destructive psycho-babble? What do you think she’ll do after her show?