Ministries for Hot Chicks

October 2, 2009

What’s your spiritual gift?

If you know what it is, it might be because of your preacher’s ‘Spritual Gift Sunday.’ He encouraged you to pinpoint your gift and find a way to use it for Jesus.

But plenty of people still don’t know what their spiritual gift is. I suspect that’s because preachers leave out a lot of gifts in favor of the gifts that meet the immediate needs of the church.

Thankfully, one Christian girl is helping others like her discover one more spiritual gift that they can use to grow the Kingdom. This incredible new ministry was brought to my attention by Christina, one of my intrepid, Canadian blog-friends. The new ministry is…

Date to Save

It is exactly what it sounds like. Girls whose spiritual gift is being attractive date attractive guys in the hopes of blocking their sexual advances long enough to get a confession of faith in Jesus out of them. Sexual frustration is a time tested, proven way to get guys to convert to Christianity.

I was skeptical, although I know from personal experience that being hot is a gift from God. However, after finding the answers such as the following in her FAQs, I was convinced; how could this be a joke?

“Doesn’t God look down on missionary dating and tells us to not be “yoked with unbelievers”?
I looked up yoked, and the dictionary says it’s a “A crossbar with two U-shaped pieces that encircle the necks of a pair of oxen or other draft animals working together.” I would never encourage anybody to do this on a date… I think the thing that is more important is that we should use our talents for God. If you’re really good at dating, or just really really good looking, then you should use that to bring souls to God.”

Although I’m not in the market for conversion or a hot girlfriend (as I made my last hot girlfriend my wife,) I realize that hot girls are a good thing. But the church is criminally underusing it’s precious few hot girls (outside of letting them jump up and down by the road to advertise the youth car wash). I’ve got a few more ministries our churches can only fill with hot girls.

Four Ministries Only Hot Girls Can Perform

Date to Save: Gays
The original idea is so good, we need to cover the whole market. The church has been going about the issue of gays all wrong. Rather than shaming them or praying for them, we need to deploy hundreds of hot Christian girls to infiltrate their ranks and gay bars, and turn them on to heterosexuality…and Jesus. It’s a fact that if there’s one thing that will turn a gay guy around, it’s a serial dating girl who knows she’s attractive, who gets into relationships for the fun of making a guy her ‘project.’

Extreme Makeover: Ugly Girl Edition
Everyone knows that the goal of Christians is to make new Christians. This is either done in the sexy baby-making way, or the not-sexy, bring-someone-to-church-way. Well hot girls are good at both! But a hot Christian girl should have another goal – to make more hot girls! The more hot girls we have, the more Christians that can be made in the “bow-chicka-bow-wow” way or otherwise. Every hot Chrisitan girl needs to adopt a plain Christian girl and show her the ways of hotness. Loving thy neighbor as thyself is truly defined in making them as hot as you are.

Girls Gone Wild…for Jesus
The last thing on Earth most guys are looking for on Spring Break in Mexico is Jesus. The first thing most guys are looking for on Spring Break is breasts.

But what if we could combine the two? What if we could put Jesus, the guy no one is looking for, right between the breasts, the things everyone is looking for? We need bold hot girl evangelists, not afraid to bring Jesus to Spring Break. Ladies, when you see a wet T-shirt contest is afoot, or beads are being offered, or the camera crew is making the rounds, you get yourself up on that stage, lift your top, and let everyone get a good look at the glorious, tanlined beauty of your Lord and Savior.

Hot Girls in Hot Places
It’s very important that Christian hotness be spread to all the corners of the earth. It’s in the Great Commission. Now while the hottest girls on Earth are awesome in every way and a blessing to all who behold them, the hottest places on Earth are often the most miserable for the people who live there. We need to send lots of hot girls to those hot places to ease the pain and plight of those disadvantaged people. Poor, hungry, unattractive people need the gift of food, water, Jesus, and hot girls. Nothing says ‘humanitarian’ like a hot girl hugging a little native preteen boy who’s just the right height.

Please churches, send forth your hot girls with all deliberate speed! Let us spread the message of Jesus, not with tracts, but with good old T and A. What other ministries would be best filled by those whose spiritual gift is being really really ridiculously good looking?

Next week, after a lot of work, I’m unleashing not one but two new features on this blog. They’re pretty awesome, so don’t miss it!

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