If you know what it is, it might be because of your preacher's 'Spritual Gift Sunday.' He encouraged you to pinpoint your gift and find a way to use it for Jesus.
But plenty of people still don't know what their spiritual gift is. I suspect that's because preachers leave out a lot of gifts in favor of the gifts that meet the immediate needs of the church.
Thankfully, one Christian girl is helping others like her discover one more spiritual gift that they can use to grow the Kingdom. This incredible new ministry was brought to my attention by Christina, one of my intrepid, Canadian blog-friends. The new ministry is...
Date to Save
It is exactly what it sounds like. Girls whose spiritual gift is being attractive date attractive guys in the hopes of blocking their sexual advances long enough to get a confession of faith in Jesus out of them. Sexual frustration is a time tested, proven way to get guys to convert to Christianity.
I was skeptical, although I know from personal experience that being hot is a gift from God. However, after finding the answers such as the following in her FAQs, I was convinced; how could this be a joke?
"Doesn't God look down on missionary dating and tells us to not be "yoked with unbelievers"?
I looked up yoked, and the dictionary says it's a "A crossbar with two U-shaped pieces that encircle the necks of a pair of oxen or other draft animals working together." I would never encourage anybody to do this on a date... I think the thing that is more important is that we should use our talents for God. If you're really good at dating, or just really really good looking, then you should use that to bring souls to God."
Although I'm not in the market for conversion or a hot girlfriend (as I made my last hot girlfriend my wife,) I realize that hot girls are a good thing. But the church is criminally underusing it's precious few hot girls (outside of letting them jump up and down by the road to advertise the youth car wash). I've got a few more ministries our churches can only fill with hot girls.
Four Ministries Only Hot Girls Can Perform
Date to Save: Gays
The original idea is so good, we need to cover the whole market. The church has been going about the issue of gays all wrong. Rather than shaming them or praying for them, we need to deploy hundreds of hot Christian girls to infiltrate their ranks and gay bars, and turn them on to heterosexuality...and Jesus. It's a fact that if there's one thing that will turn a gay guy around, it's a serial dating girl who knows she's attractive, who gets into relationships for the fun of making a guy her 'project.'
Extreme Makeover: Ugly Girl Edition
Everyone knows that the goal of Christians is to make new Christians. This is either done in the sexy baby-making way, or the not-sexy, bring-someone-to-church-way. Well hot girls are good at both! But a hot Christian girl should have another goal - to make more hot girls! The more hot girls we have, the more Christians that can be made in the "bow-chicka-bow-wow" way or otherwise. Every hot Chrisitan girl needs to adopt a plain Christian girl and show her the ways of hotness. Loving thy neighbor as thyself is truly defined in making them as hot as you are.
Girls Gone Wild...for Jesus
The last thing on Earth most guys are looking for on Spring Break in Mexico is Jesus. The first thing most guys are looking for on Spring Break is breasts.
But what if we could combine the two? What if we could put Jesus, the guy no one is looking for, right between the breasts, the things everyone is looking for? We need bold hot girl evangelists, not afraid to bring Jesus to Spring Break. Ladies, when you see a wet T-shirt contest is afoot, or beads are being offered, or the camera crew is making the rounds, you get yourself up on that stage, lift your top, and let everyone get a good look at the glorious, tanlined beauty of your Lord and Savior.
Hot Girls in Hot Places
It's very important that Christian hotness be spread to all the corners of the earth. It's in the Great Commission. Now while the hottest girls on Earth are awesome in every way and a blessing to all who behold them, the hottest places on Earth are often the most miserable for the people who live there. We need to send lots of hot girls to those hot places to ease the pain and plight of those disadvantaged people. Poor, hungry, unattractive people need the gift of food, water, Jesus, and hot girls. Nothing says 'humanitarian' like a hot girl hugging a little native preteen boy who's just the right height.
Please churches, send forth your hot girls with all deliberate speed! Let us spread the message of Jesus, not with tracts, but with good old T and A. What other ministries would be best filled by those whose spiritual gift is being really really ridiculously good looking?
Next week, after a lot of work, I'm unleashing not one but two new features on this blog. They're pretty awesome, so don't miss it!
21 people say amen!:
Aha! So there IS a "straight agenda!" I knew it ;).
ALSO, I think here would be a good place to bring up the difference between spiritual gifts and mutant powers. Question - can / should one use one's teleportation abilities for the glory of God? hah
Wow, this made me lol! I'm on the fast track for Thailand, so I count for #4 in my church...plus I was the ugly duckling made into something not quite so geeky and ugly. Too funny, Matt!
Matt, I love your humor!
But this is a very important issue: I think the church too often doesn't know what to do with hot girls... and that's a shame! It's not good at all. In fact, there's almost a message of "beauty is bad" from the church. A couple Christmases ago I went to a youth group party. There was a rather attractive young lady there and not a single leader interacted with her all night. Not one.
Were the female leaders jealous? The male leaders scared? The ones who weren't those just confused on how you encourage a beautiful young lady?
So, I made it a point to at least chat with her for a little while. But still, my five minutes were nothing compared to the three solid hours of flirting she got from a couple of the more "fringe" guys... because we know that good Christian young men can't be around attractive girls because that would mean they're lusting!
...ugh.
I'm working on dealing with this issue, but it takes a long time to write a book [sigh].
~Luke
Dang...
Maybe I'm just too SBC for this :-P.
@David Lankford.
I would totally use my teleportation abilities for God, if He would give them to me, but we seem to have reached an impasse on this. Apparently he wants me to actually make an effort to get to places on time...
Dang it, Matt. Seeing Jesus- there? You may have ruined breasts for me... well, maybe not.
Okay, I'm moving on now...
I love your blog... you walk that line of irreverence... and I love it.
You're a bold man Matt...and I love it!
The Girls Gone Wild for Jesus thing...lol...priceless.
The new header is way cool.
Girls Gone Wild for Jesus? Wow. Nicely done Matt. I don't know how you pulled that one off without a mutiny.
...it goes hand-in-hand with the tactics put in place by restaurants everywhere. The hot girls are in the front greeting and interacting with people and the not-so-physically-gifted ones are in the back doing the grunt work. Let's spice up the face of evangelism to make Christianity more appealing... Not to say that the gift of the Holy Spirit isn't appealing enough.
Wow. You went a couple of places I don't know if I would have gone...
And that's saying something.
But very funny as always.
I'm surprised no one has commented on the 'Date to Save' site. I was completely conflicted on whether or not it was a joke. If it's not...and I don't think it is, I just don't know what to think.
In a line I haven't used since reading some of Katdish's blogs:
Ummmm....
I've always said you want to grow a youth group, recruit a few hot girls.
I looked at that site, and can't imagine that it's not a joke. There's no way people can skew those verses like that unless it's on purpose. The person even said that she's never dated someone who has become a Christian because of it. If it's not a joke, then that makes my heart extremely sad.
Most of our 'hot chicks' have blue hair, and have one foot on the banana peel and the other in Obamacare.
But I wouldn't trade 'em.
My first reaction was "date with the intent to convert"?? Sounded a bit mercenary to me.
Then I got lost in day dreams of hot girls in hot places.
Matt, I checked out the site... so basically, you date a guy right up until he says the "Amen" at the end of the Sinner's Prayer, then dump he and let him know "But JESUS will never leave you or forsake you!"
Um, wow. I hope this is a joke. Or a ploy to sell the tees she's hocking with "Flirt to Convert" emblazoned on the front.
This was awesome. My friend has this idea once of getting really hot girls to join his campus ministry so more men would in turn show up. He wanted to call it "Put out for Jesus".
For the Girls Gone WIld segment we should make Jesus pasties!
The Date to Save site has actually been up for several years now, and I think it's relatively unchanged in that time.
Maybe it's like those pre-recorded beacons the Star Trek crew would happen upon, only to land on the planet and discover the message had been sent out hundreds of years earlier.
Okay, so the internet's not that old...
Are you kidding?
Are you serious?
Can you do Ministries for hot guys?
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