What if We Let Gays Marry?

September 21, 2009

Christians have to get stuck poo-pooing everything.

We just have to be the wet blankets. If it’s cloning, gambling, gay marriage, abortion, or Harry Potter, there’s probably going to be some Christians getting all up in everyone’s grill, raining on the parade…especially if it’s a gay parade.

Well maybe you can take an item off your list of ‘don’ts.’

A lot of Christians don’t like the idea of gay marriage. Some stuff about how it degrades the institution and whatnot. I think I heard ‘Bible’ and ‘Steve’ and ‘hell’ being shouted all at once, but it was hard to hear. Everyone’s got different reasons for hating.

But what if we just allowed gays to formalize what they’re doing already? What if we allowed them to go through all the legal channels that heterosexuals go through to be married? You know, go to the courthouse, pay their $52 in cash, no checks, obtain a license, have a ceremony and then merge all their complicated legal, tax, and financial matters in a convoluted web of legality. Sounds romantic!

For the record, I think that’s the fair thing to do. Call it a ‘civil union’ or whatever. We get our thing, they get theirs, and in the eyes of blind lady justice, we’re all equal and eligible for tax breaks. We live in a free land where gays are shacking up anyway. Can’t stop that. Aren’t Christians against shacking up anyway?

Speaking of shacking up, I think dogs should start wearing pants and getting married. There’s been a lot of casual sex going on among the dogs in my neighborhood, right out in the open! They have no shame. The males are all going around chasing booty rather than staying at home being dads.

Anyway, what would happen if we allowed gays to do all that? They’d live happily ever after in wedded bliss for the rest of their lives…

…until they started getting divorced.

And just like we let them go through a big glorious legal proceeding to get married, they can go through the fun of the legal divorce proceedings! Divorce Court has been getting kind of ho-hum lately anyway.

One of the big reasons gays tell us they should be able to adopt children is because homosexuals are supposedly as loving and dedicated to their monogamous relationships as heterosexuals…not that that’s really setting the bar very high.

Actually, we’d find out officially what people have already started to figure out. That gays would get divorced at least as much as heterosexuals. That would kind of take the wind out of that argument.

And while I’m busy being a genius, let’s think this one out. Some egghead scientist is trying to find a ‘gay gene,’ some part of the DNA that makes someone go that way. I don’t know how he can tell if a gene is gay. Maybe it’s wearing a mock turtleneck or can’t keep it’s hands off the Y chromosome. I think the last breakthrough was someone found some ‘gay’ fruit flies. Doesn’t surprise me. Their name is slang for gay already. Gays support gay gene research because if they did find a gay gene, it would mean Christians can shove it permanetly, because gay isn’t a choice, it’s in their blood. Case closed.

But I wonder what would happen…Screening unborn children for potential disorders is very common now because people see no ethical consequences about it. So disposing of imperfect fetuses also naturally follows. Today, 95% of parents who screen their unborn children and find they might have Down’s Syndrome have them aborted. You see where I’m going with this. What are gays going to do with the discriminatory practice of screening and aborting gay fetuses?

See, nothing’s ever ‘happily ever after.’ Gays hoping for a fairy tale ending can wise up and find out what the rest of us have already. Even when you solve one problem, you usually create another for yourself. That’s what keeps the economy rolling. Everyone has to buy something else to solve their new problem.

What say you? Can we have a civil discussion, or have I opened a big can of worms? Can you think of any other solutions that just led to more problems?