This is All Going to End…I Just Don’t Know How

September 23, 2009

Well, after Monday’s lively and passionate exchange, it obviously time to relax, take a breather, and discuss a topic on the lighter side of life…

…let’s talk the end of the world!

I’ll admit, I immediately start dry heaving whenever Christians start cracking open the one-liners from Revelation to prove how the world will end. End times discussion are like kryptonite to me. And by that, I mean that whenever anyone starts one with me, I’m tempted to use my laser heat vision and ice breath on them, just so they’ll shut up.

Part of my revulsion with end-times discussions is the audacity of it all. What are the four horsemen supposed to bring? War, famine, pestilence and death? Right, so exactly what we have right now. What else is on the checklist?

Point being, we know how it will end. Jesus wins. Other than that, we don’t really have a clue.

I was watching The History Channel, and they had a special on the ten most awesome apocalyptic scenarios. The countdown goes on, each one getting more and more exciting: nuclear war, asteroids, the sun exploding. Then number one is…wait for it…

…global warming.

Could there be a bigger letdown than a slow rise in temperature over the next several hundred years to top off a list of apocalyptic scenarios? Better stock up on canned goods and water for that one!

Anyway, despite my revulsion with end of the world stuff, I knew I could do better than The History Channel. I’m counting down the best scenarios that could end the world. Who knows…with a thousand years of Satan’s reign, he could use any of these to wreak havoc!

Five Possible Apocalyptic Scenarios

The Maya-ocalypse
This one is pretty awesome. The Mayan calendar runs out in 2012, signaling the end of the age. Of course, if we still had some Mayans around, they could just make a new calendar and we could avoid this, but the Spaniards made sure that wasn’t going to happen. I think the story goes that on Dec 21, 2012, all the dead Mayans will rise up, resurrected as robot ninjas and judo chop everyone’s kidneys. Nice going, Spain.
Awesomeness: 9/10: especially if the Mayans come back as robot ninjas.
Survivability: 6/10: Mayans were pretty awesome, but there weren’t that many of them. I’d wait them out in a dark basement until they run out of hearts to eat.
Likelihood: 4/10: The Mayans were good at math, but I’m not too sure about this one.

The Science-Run-Amok-ocalypse
Everyone loves science. It’s given us everything from Twinkies to airbrushing our celebrities. But remember, everyone making science today, those were the guys who got picked on in school all the time. Out of all those nerds, the likelihood seems high that at least one of them became an evil scientist. Suddenly, we’re running from zombies, or a virus, or a virus that turns people into zombies, or zombies with viruses…or the Matrix. The possibilities are endless!
Awesomeness: 8/10: Science is pretty sweet when it’s evil.
Survivability: 7.5/10: You’ll need four people to survive: a stone-faced ex-Marine, a wise-cracking black guy, a Jewish scientist, and a hot chick. And a bunch of guns. One of you will not make it.
Likelihood: 9/10: Science has already given us Joan Rivers. I’d get ready.

The Pandemic-ocalypse
SARS is going to kill everyone! Or Swine Flu…
Awesomeness: 1/10: Unless you like false alarms.
Survivability: virtually 10/10: unless you’re really unlucky.
Likelihood: 10/10: if you watch the news.

The Y2K-ocalypse
Please see above.

The Chimp-ocalypse
Just look at those chimps. Waiting. Planning. Plus, they’re in league with the aliens.
Awesomeness: 4/10: There’s going to be a bunch of poo being thrown.
Survivability: 9/10: I don’t think this will end the world, it’ll just be a really big hassle.
Likelihood: 8/10: First we teach a gorilla sign language, then it’s all downhill.

And after all that, God says, “Enough! Time for another flood!”

How do you think it will end? An asteroid crashing into Earth? The sun exploding? The government? Rosie O’Donnell crashing into Earth?