I’ll See You in Court

September 4, 2009

Last month, it was reported that a young woman who graduated college in May was suing her college. She wanted a full refund of the $70,000 she spent in tuition. The reason? She hasn’t yet found a job.

I knew someone of this chump-titude must be special. Turns out I was right…which was a foregone conclusion, really.

First, the lawsuit was filed at the end of July – a full two and a half months after graduation…in a recession with an unemployment rate of 10%. Her mother (who inexplicably lives with her daughter and can’t remain employed beyond a part-time substitute teacher) is quoted as saying, “This isn’t how we want to live our lives…This isn’t what we planned.” Right. So for four years, you didn’t plan on being 70 grand in the hole and maybe having to wait more than six weeks for someone to offer your crybaby-pansy-daughter a job, so you could continue to live off her.

I did a little digging. Turns out our graduate wasn’t exactly a Rhodes scholar. In fact, she finished with with a solid C average. Not bad, but not exactly top of the class. And her degree was in “Information Technology,” which is an extremely common degree.

So I ask two questions. Why was a C student spending $70,000 on college when an identical community college education costs a fraction of that? And the hair puller…

What about the job she’s been working through college?

Is she even working a job? Or were she and her mother just plunging money into a big hole with no plans for the future? And if she wasn’t working, how is it she barely managed average grades? I can’t even tell if the mother is mooching off the daughter, or the other way around!

Well I’m sure with this bullet point on her already sterling resume, the employers are lining up!

People sure like to blame others for screwing up their days, and then making them pay thousands of dollars for it. But in our lawsuit-happy world, I thought of a few people who don’t get sued nearly enough!

Four Groups of People Who Are Asking For It

Teachers
We could seriously cut the middleman in this case by just suing this girl’s teachers. If they had the foresight to tell this girl in third grade that she’d be a huge failure as an adult, she’d have saved herself a lot of trouble and broken dreams. Self esteem is great, but eventually, reality kicks in. Her teachers are responsible for ongoing child abuse through nurturing her delusions of talent and intellect. Teachers are some of the most loving, patient, and nurturing people in the world, and that has to stop, so they’re asking for it.

Scientists
Seriously, every time I have to walk in the rain, I know there’s some eggheads who just know the secret to teleportation. But instead of improving my life, they made the Segway, just to mock us. And now they’re up there in their tower, laughing, rolling in all their Segway money…on their Segways. Well I’d like to take those scientists down a peg. With all their brains, and pocket protectors, they’re asking for it.

Lawyers
What have lawyers done, except ruin our society, and be the perfect butt of countless jokes? If something is wrong with your life, chances are a lawyer came up with the idea. These guys are definately asking for it.

Churches
It’s a really good thing people can’t come back from the afterlife. The church would be swallowed up in lawsuits. Imagine all the people who went through the motions, tithed 2.5%, judged the heathans, didn’t drink, dance or smoke, voted Republican, owned a Bible, listened to the preacher, and had a solid C average church attendance…only to find their dreams of heaven didn’t quite pan out. I know I’d be ticked if my fire insurance didn’t cover me in the event of eternal damnation! A lot of people are giving Jesus their resumes, and he’s giving them the old ‘heave ho’ with the “I never knew ye” line.

Pastors, I don’t know what you can do for your ‘carnal’ Christians, but it seems you get a free pass.

Prosperity preachers, you also get a free pass…for now.

Who else is asking for it? Who is screwing up your life and needs to pay? The neighbor kids? Traffic Lights? Pastry Chefs? All aboard the blame train!

I’ll be observing the hallowed Labor Day holiday, so I’ll see you back on Wednesday!