Hey everyone, last week I kicked off a new series here. I’m having a great time talking with other bloggers around the web. Today I’m happy to introduce you the burliest, toughest, manliest son-of-a-blogger I’ve ever met: Dr. Awesome, author of To Every Man a Manswer.
Hey Doctor, care to introduce yourself?
My name is Dr Awesome. I am married and have one child, with another on the way and I’ve been called by God to emangelize the world with the good news of uber-masculinity. You can think of me as the Mickey Goldmill of the whole world. To paraphrase Thoureau, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet wussitude.” It is my job to change that.
You seem exceptionally wise and virile, judging by your progeny and casual use of Thoureau quotes. What got you started blogging about manliness?
One day I was walking through your typical office building, and I saw an otherwise normal-appearing man with a calendar of kittens on his wall. I was appalled. After beating him senseless with a stapler, I realized that I am just one man, and I can’t possibly go throughout the whole world beating pansified men with office supplies. So I started a blog in an attempt to disseminate wisdom more widely.
I’d say my hero is the Apostle Paul. Those letters he wrote to all the churches were the world’s first advice columns. They would write him a question, like “Sup Paul, this is Corinth, what should we do about this one guy we know who is shacking up with his step mom?” And Paul would be like, “Kick him out of your church, and then beat him with some office supplies.” Now I’m not worthy of holding Paul’s ancient Roman athletic support (which is fine, as I’m not sure he’d be a fan of men holding each other’s underwear) but he’s the example I’m trying to follow.
Besides that, it’s a known fact that Paul went ‘commando.’ What can I do to instantly become more manly? What will instantly make me less manly?
To instantaneously become more manly, grow a beard. Growing a full beard in a single instant can be done, but it takes a tremendous amount of concentration. It’s a neat party trick that looks like one of those time lapse videos of a Chia pet, speeded up times a thousand. To instantly become less manly, listen to five seconds of any Rascal Flatts song. You will henceforth be unable to reproduce.
Rascal Flatts, check. So what makes a man a real man?
To be serious for a second, a real man is someone who strives to point others to Jesus. But other than that, what makes a really real man is that he always has access to homemade jerky. And he owns the complete Die Hard tetralogy.
Obviously a real man knows a real woman when he sees one. What makes a woman a real woman?
Probably the womanliest thing a woman can do is give birth. I know that’s kind of obvious, but having been there for the birth of my child, I’ll say that shoving what looks like a pale, greased up lizard through a hole the size of a coke can is not something I’m interested in trying.
I concur. It’s better if we just watch from a safe distance. Now, while many guys are lumberjacks and coal miners, many guys do things that aren’t really considered manly. What’s manlier: cooking, painting, or writing?
Cooking is manly, if you killed the animal yourself within the past hour and are cooking over an open flame. Painting is manly, if you are painting your face to better camouflage yourself. The most manly thing, though, would be to get on the internet and write an advice column.
Do you wear a mustache? Are mustaches manly?
I don’t currently have a mustache, due to some legal issues with the government of Bolivia that I’m prohibited from discussing. But they are very manly, yes. The longer you can grow it, the better…we’re talking one of those Civil War mustaches where the hair from your upper lip reaches below your chin. If there is no imminent danger of you choking while eating due to interference from your mustache, it needs to be longer.
Should I grow a mustache?
Absolutely, if you can. Some men genetically just don’t have what it takes to grow a mustache, so for these men I recommend doing something else to enhance your manly appearance, like maybe cutting the sleeves off all your shirts and flexing a lot.
I do see a lot of guys with poor mustache growing skills in sleeveless shirts. Perhaps a can of cheap beer and a car on blocks in my front yard would help too.
Finally, for a very important question…
Who is manlier, and thus would win in a fight: pirates or ninjas?
I’ve said before that ninjas would win every time, but upon reconsidering I think it may depend on where this fight takes place. On a boat, pirates would win, because of home field advantage. Anywhere else, I’d give the edge to the ninjas. The real winners in this fight would be you and me, because it would be the most glorious thing we’ve ever beheld.
You have answered wisely. I can’t stop thinking about ninjas. Ninjas are cool, and by cool, I mean totally sweet.
For more manly advice, useful to men, or women who want to help their men be all they can be, visit To Every Man a Manswer.