One thing’s for sure: ‘indie’ films are on a roll.

You know, those quirky little movies that supposedly were made with $20 in change that then make a billion dollars because they’re so dang charming?

I shouldn’t have said ‘one thing’s for sure,’ because another thing’s for sure too. Emergent churches are on a roll. They’re everywhere, even though they refuse to call themselves ‘emergent.’ That’s part of the magic. I’ve loved some emergent churches. I met my wife in one. They contribute some good things. Some emergents like to hope I’m emergent when I say I pastor a house church.

Well, when I see a good idea, I like to copy it and pretend I was the first to come up with it. So I’m producing my own indie film. I’m also starting my own emergent church. That seemed like a lot of work for two hobbies, but then I realized I could streamline by combining my two projects.

Four Steps to a Perfect Indie Film/Emergent Church

Think up a really baffling name.
This is the first step to any good indie movie. An ironic title is the perfect way to wake up movie watchers dazed by the latest High School Musical preview. Perhaps you should name your titular character something really “radical,” because she’s such a crazy “individual.” Something like Juno, or Napoleon. If the title confuses or bewilders audiences, then they’ll know they have to see it! Be sure you get your graphic designer to print the title like it was drawn by a high school algebra student too. It may cost you more, but it’s instant indie street cred. People say, “Wow, that title looks like a no-talent high school art nerd drew that inside his Trapper Keeper, so the movie must be awesome!”

Same with an emergent church’s name. Right off the bat, throw out the word church. “Church” = crap. While you’re at it, don’t call your movie a “movie.” The less your church sounds like a church, the better. People should not know you are a church until they walk in, thinking they’re going to buy a dishwasher…or a hammock.

Write a script everyone says they understand, even though they don’t.
The best indie films are the kind no one understands. Because everyone feels like they have to understand it, or they’re stupid. Watch The Royal Tenenbaums. Right now, I dare you. Did you understand what on earth was going on? Did you laugh at even one stupid deadpan line? That’s how good your movie should be. The kind that people pretend to enjoy.

If you’re starting an emergent church, you’ve got to learn a lot of big words…not necessarily their definitions, just how to pronounce them. Then write your script – your sermons, books, everyday conversations. They should all use these words, often. Your mental word bank should include: paradigm, organic, missional, narrative, postmodern, Rob Bell, to name a few. You don’t have to know what they mean, because everyone will think you’re smart if they don’t understand you either.

Hire Michael Cera.
Every indie film needs a cute, awkward, stumbly-bumbly teenage boy to be dominated by his female costar. You need a guy who talks and talks, yet the more he talks, the more he talks himself into a hole. By the time he finishes talking, he confused every other character, including himself about exactly what his point was supposed to be.

That’s where Michael Cera comes in. From Juno to Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist (notice the titles), Michael Cera has been tripping over his words and into our hearts. Know why Steve Carrell was in Little Miss Sunshine? Because Michael Cera didn’t like the coffee some studio intern served him. There was no mistake about what he had to say that day.

That’s exactly what every emergent church needs. Not the stumbly teenage boy; but a grown-up version. You need a guy who talks and talks, who’s articulate and impossible to not want to be friends with, but the more he talks about theology, the more you end up wondering what exactly he’s saying because he insists on speaking in a lot of abstract terms, and because of his devotion to our previous point.

Take yourself really seriously.
You can’t go to all the trouble of crafting a fine indie film and not take yourself seriously. If I didn’t want to take myself seriously, I’d hire Woody Harrelson.

Even better, the movie should encourage viewers to take it too seriously. They should say to themselves, “I’m sorry, I just can’t stomach another travesty from Warner Brothers. I’m just too much of a film connoisseur. What’s this? Finally, a REAL film from an indie studio, not one of those popcorn flicks from those big box ‘Wal-Mart’ studios. Thank God for Fox Searchlight.”

Nothing’s better than Christians who take themselves really seriously. Make sure your members are constantly reminded of the evils of evangelicals and how their church is really a ‘conversation.’ Because even though the emergent church is new, it’s still made up of old Christians who discovered a long time ago that every church looks better with a liberal dose of self-righteousness.

Once you’ve done all these steps, congratulations! You now have a successful indie film/emergent church (though by being successful, you ironically cease to be either of these). Now just repeat until you are a huge cliche parody of yourself that can be summed up into a four-part to-do list!

What would you add to the list? What would you do if you could make your own film or open your own church? What would your title your movie or church?

If there’s one phrase in the whole world I love to hear, it’s this:

“Experts were surprised…”

Good thing I love that phrase, because I get to hear it a lot these days. Just google those words. You will literally get 29 million results. That’s a lot of surprises. Whenever the news reports on some new surprise that experts find, they like to dress it up with phrases like, “Experts are reeling over the new findings.” I just want to find the expert that told the news reporter, “I am reeling over these new findings.” No one says that. Except maybe this expert to the left, who’s getting ready to eat a big mouthful of crow.

A few years ago, ‘experts’ predicted longer, more intense hurricane seasons because of the evils of mankind. Which sounds a lot like how ancient people explained everything from eclipses to droughts. The gods are angry with us, find a virgin to sacrifice! Anyway, we were told we could expect a lot more ‘Katrinas’ in the future and face doomsday unless we sacrificed a bunch of oil executives on an altar. Since then, the experts have been surprised by record-breaking calm hurricane seasons.

The current list of things that surprise experts includes, but is not limited to hurricanes, unemployment, Antarctica, Orangutans, swine flu, Iran, the Royal Bank of Scotland, earthquakes, Cash for Clunkers, the Chinese, Prince Charles, Komodo Dragons, teen birth rates, experts’ rates of being surprised, obesity, and surprise birthday parties.

If you love surprises, now is a great time to be an expert!

I’ve got a five things to say to the experts of the world.

How do I become an expert?
You make being an expert look so easy! With just that title, people line up to interview you, buy your books, plagarize your words in their high school research papers. Is there a class I can take, perhaps at my local community college or online that will teach me how to be an expert? What certification board do I need to apply to for my Expert Degree?

Oh, there is no Expert School?
Then how do you become an expert? I can’t see you calling yourself an ‘expert,’ ‘guru,’ ‘virtuoso,’ or ‘wizard,’ with no qualifications, because that would be incredibly egotistical, and would kind of set you up for a huge, surprising failure. No, a real expert would never make this mistake. It wouldn’t be wise to call yourself an ‘expert’ when you really aren’t an expert…and yet, I can’t shake a sneaking suspicion…

You don’t know what you’re talking about.
The more you say, and the more authority you use to say it, the more times you have to eat your words. It’s evident to me that we have a bunch of people running the world, our nations, our banks, our schools, our churches, writing books, being published and quoted who don’t have a gat-dang clue what they’re talking about. They don’t know history; that’s why they’re reliving it. They don’t know economics; that’s why they’re trashing it. They don’t know science because big business pays for science. If an expert says something, I can make a pretty sure bet, something else will happen somewhere in the world. Besides that…

Expert is just another word for ‘nerd.’
Nicholas Butler, an expert on, ironically, experts, said, “An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less.” In other words, expert knowledge is so deep and so narrow, that almost no one else cares unless your expertise in in Star Wars. Such a level of nerd-knowledge makes it even more ironic that a bunch of super-nerds can be surprised so often.

I’m not an expert.
Just kidding, I’m an expert at being awesome. But really, I can’t afford to be an expert. I have precious little capital to spend on getting people to believe me. I can’t be throwing it around like an expert. I’ve had enough failures and shortcomings already, I don’t need to fall from the ‘expert’ pedistal.

If you really are an expert, people will notice it and call you an expert. Don’t look like a tool and set yourself up for failure by putting it on your resume. I see ‘expert’ and immediately smirk. That goes for Christian experts too. Your reputation precedes you. You don’t have to tell us you have a reputation. Maybe you really are an expert. Fine, but think about what your fellow experts are doing to give experts a bad name.

What say you? Do you consider yourself an expert at anything? If you could call yourself an expert at something, what would it be? It’s okay to call yourself an expert here. We’re all laughing with each other, not at each other here.

Hey everyone, last week I kicked off a new series here. I’m having a great time talking with other bloggers around the web. Today I’m happy to introduce you the burliest, toughest, manliest son-of-a-blogger I’ve ever met: Dr. Awesome, author of To Every Man a Manswer.

Hey Doctor, care to introduce yourself?
My name is Dr Awesome. I am married and have one child, with another on the way and I’ve been called by God to emangelize the world with the good news of uber-masculinity. You can think of me as the Mickey Goldmill of the whole world. To paraphrase Thoureau, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet wussitude.” It is my job to change that.

You seem exceptionally wise and virile, judging by your progeny and casual use of Thoureau quotes. What got you started blogging about manliness?
One day I was walking through your typical office building, and I saw an otherwise normal-appearing man with a calendar of kittens on his wall. I was appalled. After beating him senseless with a stapler, I realized that I am just one man, and I can’t possibly go throughout the whole world beating pansified men with office supplies. So I started a blog in an attempt to disseminate wisdom more widely.

I’d say my hero is the Apostle Paul. Those letters he wrote to all the churches were the world’s first advice columns. They would write him a question, like “Sup Paul, this is Corinth, what should we do about this one guy we know who is shacking up with his step mom?” And Paul would be like, “Kick him out of your church, and then beat him with some office supplies.” Now I’m not worthy of holding Paul’s ancient Roman athletic support (which is fine, as I’m not sure he’d be a fan of men holding each other’s underwear) but he’s the example I’m trying to follow.

Besides that, it’s a known fact that Paul went ‘commando.’ What can I do to instantly become more manly? What will instantly make me less manly?
To instantaneously become more manly, grow a beard. Growing a full beard in a single instant can be done, but it takes a tremendous amount of concentration. It’s a neat party trick that looks like one of those time lapse videos of a Chia pet, speeded up times a thousand. To instantly become less manly, listen to five seconds of any Rascal Flatts song. You will henceforth be unable to reproduce.

Rascal Flatts, check. So what makes a man a real man?
To be serious for a second, a real man is someone who strives to point others to Jesus. But other than that, what makes a really real man is that he always has access to homemade jerky. And he owns the complete Die Hard tetralogy.

Obviously a real man knows a real woman when he sees one. What makes a woman a real woman?
Probably the womanliest thing a woman can do is give birth. I know that’s kind of obvious, but having been there for the birth of my child, I’ll say that shoving what looks like a pale, greased up lizard through a hole the size of a coke can is not something I’m interested in trying.

I concur. It’s better if we just watch from a safe distance. Now, while many guys are lumberjacks and coal miners, many guys do things that aren’t really considered manly. What’s manlier: cooking, painting, or writing?
Cooking is manly, if you killed the animal yourself within the past hour and are cooking over an open flame. Painting is manly, if you are painting your face to better camouflage yourself. The most manly thing, though, would be to get on the internet and write an advice column.

Do you wear a mustache? Are mustaches manly?
I don’t currently have a mustache, due to some legal issues with the government of Bolivia that I’m prohibited from discussing. But they are very manly, yes. The longer you can grow it, the better…we’re talking one of those Civil War mustaches where the hair from your upper lip reaches below your chin. If there is no imminent danger of you choking while eating due to interference from your mustache, it needs to be longer.

Should I grow a mustache?
Absolutely, if you can. Some men genetically just don’t have what it takes to grow a mustache, so for these men I recommend doing something else to enhance your manly appearance, like maybe cutting the sleeves off all your shirts and flexing a lot.

I do see a lot of guys with poor mustache growing skills in sleeveless shirts. Perhaps a can of cheap beer and a car on blocks in my front yard would help too.

Who is manlier, and thus would win in a fight: pirates or ninjas?
I’ve said before that ninjas would win every time, but upon reconsidering I think it may depend on where this fight takes place. On a boat, pirates would win, because of home field advantage. Anywhere else, I’d give the edge to the ninjas. The real winners in this fight would be you and me, because it would be the most glorious thing we’ve ever beheld.

You have answered wisely. I can’t stop thinking about ninjas. Ninjas are cool, and by cool, I mean totally sweet.

For more manly advice, useful to men, or women who want to help their men be all they can be, visit To Every Man a Manswer.

Well, after Monday’s lively and passionate exchange, it obviously time to relax, take a breather, and discuss a topic on the lighter side of life…

…let’s talk the end of the world!

I’ll admit, I immediately start dry heaving whenever Christians start cracking open the one-liners from Revelation to prove how the world will end. End times discussion are like kryptonite to me. And by that, I mean that whenever anyone starts one with me, I’m tempted to use my laser heat vision and ice breath on them, just so they’ll shut up.

Part of my revulsion with end-times discussions is the audacity of it all. What are the four horsemen supposed to bring? War, famine, pestilence and death? Right, so exactly what we have right now. What else is on the checklist?

Point being, we know how it will end. Jesus wins. Other than that, we don’t really have a clue.

I was watching The History Channel, and they had a special on the ten most awesome apocalyptic scenarios. The countdown goes on, each one getting more and more exciting: nuclear war, asteroids, the sun exploding. Then number one is…wait for it…

…global warming.

Could there be a bigger letdown than a slow rise in temperature over the next several hundred years to top off a list of apocalyptic scenarios? Better stock up on canned goods and water for that one!

Anyway, despite my revulsion with end of the world stuff, I knew I could do better than The History Channel. I’m counting down the best scenarios that could end the world. Who knows…with a thousand years of Satan’s reign, he could use any of these to wreak havoc!

Five Possible Apocalyptic Scenarios

The Maya-ocalypse
This one is pretty awesome. The Mayan calendar runs out in 2012, signaling the end of the age. Of course, if we still had some Mayans around, they could just make a new calendar and we could avoid this, but the Spaniards made sure that wasn’t going to happen. I think the story goes that on Dec 21, 2012, all the dead Mayans will rise up, resurrected as robot ninjas and judo chop everyone’s kidneys. Nice going, Spain.
Awesomeness: 9/10: especially if the Mayans come back as robot ninjas.
Survivability: 6/10: Mayans were pretty awesome, but there weren’t that many of them. I’d wait them out in a dark basement until they run out of hearts to eat.
Likelihood: 4/10: The Mayans were good at math, but I’m not too sure about this one.

The Science-Run-Amok-ocalypse
Everyone loves science. It’s given us everything from Twinkies to airbrushing our celebrities. But remember, everyone making science today, those were the guys who got picked on in school all the time. Out of all those nerds, the likelihood seems high that at least one of them became an evil scientist. Suddenly, we’re running from zombies, or a virus, or a virus that turns people into zombies, or zombies with viruses…or the Matrix. The possibilities are endless!
Awesomeness: 8/10: Science is pretty sweet when it’s evil.
Survivability: 7.5/10: You’ll need four people to survive: a stone-faced ex-Marine, a wise-cracking black guy, a Jewish scientist, and a hot chick. And a bunch of guns. One of you will not make it.
Likelihood: 9/10: Science has already given us Joan Rivers. I’d get ready.

The Pandemic-ocalypse
SARS is going to kill everyone! Or Swine Flu…
Awesomeness: 1/10: Unless you like false alarms.
Survivability: virtually 10/10: unless you’re really unlucky.
Likelihood: 10/10: if you watch the news.

The Y2K-ocalypse
Please see above.

The Chimp-ocalypse
Just look at those chimps. Waiting. Planning. Plus, they’re in league with the aliens.
Awesomeness: 4/10: There’s going to be a bunch of poo being thrown.
Survivability: 9/10: I don’t think this will end the world, it’ll just be a really big hassle.
Likelihood: 8/10: First we teach a gorilla sign language, then it’s all downhill.

And after all that, God says, “Enough! Time for another flood!”

How do you think it will end? An asteroid crashing into Earth? The sun exploding? The government? Rosie O’Donnell crashing into Earth?

Christians have to get stuck poo-pooing everything.

We just have to be the wet blankets. If it’s cloning, gambling, gay marriage, abortion, or Harry Potter, there’s probably going to be some Christians getting all up in everyone’s grill, raining on the parade…especially if it’s a gay parade.

Well maybe you can take an item off your list of ‘don’ts.’

A lot of Christians don’t like the idea of gay marriage. Some stuff about how it degrades the institution and whatnot. I think I heard ‘Bible’ and ‘Steve’ and ‘hell’ being shouted all at once, but it was hard to hear. Everyone’s got different reasons for hating.

But what if we just allowed gays to formalize what they’re doing already? What if we allowed them to go through all the legal channels that heterosexuals go through to be married? You know, go to the courthouse, pay their $52 in cash, no checks, obtain a license, have a ceremony and then merge all their complicated legal, tax, and financial matters in a convoluted web of legality. Sounds romantic!

For the record, I think that’s the fair thing to do. Call it a ‘civil union’ or whatever. We get our thing, they get theirs, and in the eyes of blind lady justice, we’re all equal and eligible for tax breaks. We live in a free land where gays are shacking up anyway. Can’t stop that. Aren’t Christians against shacking up anyway?

Speaking of shacking up, I think dogs should start wearing pants and getting married. There’s been a lot of casual sex going on among the dogs in my neighborhood, right out in the open! They have no shame. The males are all going around chasing booty rather than staying at home being dads.

Anyway, what would happen if we allowed gays to do all that? They’d live happily ever after in wedded bliss for the rest of their lives…

…until they started getting divorced.

And just like we let them go through a big glorious legal proceeding to get married, they can go through the fun of the legal divorce proceedings! Divorce Court has been getting kind of ho-hum lately anyway.

One of the big reasons gays tell us they should be able to adopt children is because homosexuals are supposedly as loving and dedicated to their monogamous relationships as heterosexuals…not that that’s really setting the bar very high.

Actually, we’d find out officially what people have already started to figure out. That gays would get divorced at least as much as heterosexuals. That would kind of take the wind out of that argument.

And while I’m busy being a genius, let’s think this one out. Some egghead scientist is trying to find a ‘gay gene,’ some part of the DNA that makes someone go that way. I don’t know how he can tell if a gene is gay. Maybe it’s wearing a mock turtleneck or can’t keep it’s hands off the Y chromosome. I think the last breakthrough was someone found some ‘gay’ fruit flies. Doesn’t surprise me. Their name is slang for gay already. Gays support gay gene research because if they did find a gay gene, it would mean Christians can shove it permanetly, because gay isn’t a choice, it’s in their blood. Case closed.

But I wonder what would happen…Screening unborn children for potential disorders is very common now because people see no ethical consequences about it. So disposing of imperfect fetuses also naturally follows. Today, 95% of parents who screen their unborn children and find they might have Down’s Syndrome have them aborted. You see where I’m going with this. What are gays going to do with the discriminatory practice of screening and aborting gay fetuses?

See, nothing’s ever ‘happily ever after.’ Gays hoping for a fairy tale ending can wise up and find out what the rest of us have already. Even when you solve one problem, you usually create another for yourself. That’s what keeps the economy rolling. Everyone has to buy something else to solve their new problem.

What say you? Can we have a civil discussion, or have I opened a big can of worms? Can you think of any other solutions that just led to more problems?

I fancy myself a hard hitting news reporter man.

And there’s a lot of great bloggers out there. Really, a lot of awesomely funny and intelligent people who you need to know about. I decided to start a new series here at The Church of No People by reaching out to some people who I look up to as a blogger and I’m sharing with you our conversations. I’m kicking off this series with an interview I had with one of the best.

She was gracious to answer my questions, first because she’s awesome, second because she was a very pregnant lady when I asked her for an interview. Her natural humor combined with what are no doubt gallons of pregnancy hormones raging through her make a first rate interviewee.

First, can you share any vital stats with us to introduce yourself?
Well, I like being a woman of mystery, name-wise. But I am a professor of theology at a small Catholic university, I am a wife and mother of three born children, and one very much on the way, and I live in Minnesota. I grew up mostly in the South and am 42 years old.

I like mysterious women. When did you start blogging and what got you interested?
I started blogging in March 2006, inspired by a post by another woman with a pseudonym, “Maureen Martin”. She used to post at a blog full of Catholic satire, and one day I read it, laughed until I cried, and then thought–hey–maybe this would be a fun thing to try to do. I was a huge fan of Crummy Church Signs as well (I’m still in mourning on that one–excuse me–I have to go weep now).

Crummy Joel was a titan of the industry…whatever industry that is. But it’s a great moment when we look at our heroes and say, “Well big deal, I could do that!”
Blogging is a release, mostly escapist fun for me. My husband often works nights, and I don’t watch TV or run a meth lab, so obviously I needed to do something in the evening. I like some things I’ve written and am lukewarm on most of the rest. I guess my current favorite series is the Talk Like a Pirate series I do every Sept 19th (TLAP Day, matey!).

I’d like to fold the best pieces into a book, but these past few months have been physically challenging with my pregnancy, and I haven’t been writing as much lately. I hope to pick up the pace again soon.

Yes, I too have not yet published my book, nor opened my meth lab, though I am still a man, still not pregnant, and thus without excuse.

Do you consider your real-life person to be as ironic as your online person?
I’ve had students figure out who I am based on what they say is “a blog that sounds like me,” so I think that means–probably I am. But people who’ve met me in real life after first meeting me online tell me I’m way more serious than they expected. I have a serious article getting published soon, and I think it will shock the living daylights out of some people to see me be all seriously theological and stuff.

“Serously theological…and stuff.” Sounds groundbreaking.

You seem to have a bit of a crush on the handsome Steven Colbert. What’s up with that?
OK, crush is a bit strong. I just think he can be really funny, and if you’re Catholic, I think you get some of his theological subtext more than if you’re not. There was a skit about human cloning that basically made the US Bishops’ case for why it was an ethically horrible idea, but with humor. I love that he could do that and actually get away with it on TV.

Your family is growing with the birth of your fourth precious little irony. Congratulations! Are you planning any rivalries with a neighborhood Mormon family?
I think we’d need more than four to make a serious run for that–and my age is working against us in that regard. No, it’s just part of that “being open to accepting children lovingly from God” that is part of our Catholic marriage promise. That, and there is the unfolding Ironic Catholic Conspiracy to take over the world. Or at least my town in Minnesota.

I think fewer than 10% of the students at my Baptist seminary had actually met a Catholic person, and I think most were scared of meeting one. We were told by an expert that if we met a Catholic, don’t panic because Catholics really are just as scared of Baptists as Baptists are of them. Is that really true?
First, you’re all scared of Catholics? Meek little old humble Mother Teresas that we all are? (heh.) Truly, nowadays, we come in peace. The Inquisition was more of a state thing and is pretty well long gone.

Really? Maybe I should make sure they know; they’re usually behind the times on stuff like this. Please go on…

Second question, are Catholics as scared of Baptists? In the South? Absolutely. The very question “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior? When?” presents a freezing moral conundrum for many southern Catholics I know: “Oh no! Are they going to have me sign a Chick tract or something? If I say ‘at my infant baptism,’ will they begin quoting John’s gospel at me about needing to be born again?” But honestly, I’ve never been scared off–I used to be involved in the Baptist Student Union at my state college in VA, and I mostly got friendly curiosity questions. That, and people would ask for the pepperoni on my pizza on Fridays. It was an ecumenical win-win. Seriously, we’re all Christians, people.

“Gang of religious zealots attempt viscious pepperoni theft, baptism of Catholic college student! Swift revenge planned with plot to overpopulate small northern town!” You heard it here first!

Thanks so much, IC! Be sure to give her a cheer in the comments for a great interview and a new baby, and then visit her at The Ironic Catholic