The Secret Club Handshake

July 10, 2009

One thing Christians like to do is find out who’s ‘in the club.’

It always gets Christians a little bit excited to meet someone who’s like them. We feel validated; maybe moreso than other people when they meet a kindred spirit.

I was actually introducing myself to someone and when I told her I was a pastor she literally blurted out, ‘Oh, I love Jesus!’ She just couldn’t wait to say that when she found out I was in the club.

But we have high standards for who is really in the club. If you’re talking about someone, it might be enough to describe someone as a ‘Christian.’ But that could still leave doubts. Is he really in the club, or just a poser? Solution? Tell them he’s a strong Christian. Ahhh. My fears are averted. He’s not a fake or a weakling Christian with no street cred. He’s a strong Christian. He’s represent’in.

I think Christians need a special handshake, a street handshake that only real players down with the J.C. will be able to do. If you try to do this, and your Christian brother can’t pull it off, you’ll know he’s not in the club!

My secret Christian handshake goes like this:

Shake hands with your homie, one pump will do,
Go in for the fist bump,
Now open your hand and tickle your dawg’s paw,
Ready now?
Hammer the nails,
Lift His name,
Raise the banner, Christian soldier,
Put those hands up, give some praise and a high five,
Shake the tambourine,
Pass the plate,
Give the sign of the cross blessing,
Nothing but net,
Move in for the side hug.

If you’re confused, it should look something like this:

Now you know your bro is for real. And you just blew everyone’s mind with the best hand motions this side of the Youth Sunday rendition of ‘Lord, I Lift Your Name on High.’

Christians especially like to try to figure out who’s in the club after they die. We’ve had someone in particular to ponder lately. You know who I’m talking about.

I promise this is the only comment I will make on this topic.

It seems though that Christians like to try to figure out a person’s destination for different reasons. There are tons of Yahoo question pages asking if Michael is in heaven or hell. No one can get a straight answer because there were Jehovah’s Witnesses, Islam, and conflicting rumors of a Jesus prayer swirling around in his life.

Half the answers were people trying to put him in heaven. People do this, because they don’t want to picture someone in hell. That seems natural.

But half the answers were like this dandy quote:

“Michael Jackson is a sinner and will go straight to the flames of hell for all eternity without faith in Jesus Christ.”

Okay, true. No one goes to heaven without Jesus.
But it’s that word straight that bothers me. It’s the superfluous description of hell. It implies a tone of voice, a tone that is eager to assert that someone is definately not in the club, MY club, and good riddance. Like we’re talking about Hitler or someone like that. He’s our go to example of someone who definately went to hell. If the Jew-killing didn’t get him, the purported homosexuality surely did!

Kind of reminds me of this:

On the other hand, maybe MJ could be our one homer, the guy who doesn’t really belong, but we just don’t want to picture him not being in the club.

I’m not even convinced the man was guilty of anything except being mentally ill or just really really weird (which was his dad’s fault.) Think about it. No one goes on national TV and says the things that he did while under suspicion for impropriety, and doesn’t understand how his explanation doesn’t help his case unless he is not well.

Dads, if you don’t want your sons to grow up to be giant crazies, give them lots of hugs.

I don’t know, what do you think? Are you really excited when you find out someone is in the club? Do you tend to assume people are in the club or not in the club?

Have a great weekend, everyone.