The Biggest Event in Human History

July 6, 2009

T minus 10 days until the next national holiday.

The release of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

Next Wednesday, everyone will drop what they’re doing to watch some college students pretend to still be pre-pubescent wizard nerds, much to the delight of children and weird adults everywhere. I happen to have an advanced review of the movie.

It’s like being beaten with a giant wet bag of stupid.

And that’s before you even get into the theater. Any normal person who may want to see this movie (though that sounds a bit oxymoronic) will have to wade through thousands of obsessive, sleep deprived, costumed and bespecatacled nerds just to find a seat. It was the same story when people couldn’t wait to lap up the drivel George Lucas took thirty years to produce in Episodes I-III.

I saw Episode I opening night. I did not dress up for the occasion. Despite my incredible disappointment, I found myself watching Episode II, not on opening night. I never watched Episode III. And I never will, just out of principle. Keep on babbling about how it’s totally the payoff for the first two, I don’t care. You know the old saying: Fool me once…strike one. Fool me twice…strike three.

Let’s just get this out in the open. George Lucas loves ruining classic movie franchises. He dreams about it at night, how he can crush our childhood memories with terrible new movies. The reason the latest Indiana Jones took so long was because Spielberg had to keep punching Lucas in the face and rejecting all the alien crap he wanted in the movie. What we ended up with was a movie all about aliens, but apparently in George Lucas’ ideal world, there would’ve been a whole lot more. Maybe he wanted it to be the payoff for the first three Star Wars.

And the same things will happen once the Harry high wears off and the next Twilight ‘film’ comes out. That movie was awful. What was with that baseball scene? I was dozing on the couch when my wife was watching it, and as I woke up I was imagining what was going on with my eyes still closed. Let’s just say, I should’ve kept my eyes closed. It’s like they took the entire budget for the film – for the script, the cast, the special effects, the sound, and blew it all on lipstick.

But this next movie will be so great, because so many fans supported the first one, right? Wrong. The producers have learned that they can squeeze out any pile and audiences will still go nuts over it. Is this finally supposed to be the Harry Potter that’s the ‘payoff?’ Go back and watch the first couple of movies. Maybe they’re passable, but hardly amazing. That snake thing at the end of the second film? Please.

Whenever I see a glaring mistake in a movie, I like to imagine there’s a guy who I just call ‘Johnson’ who was responsible for that part of the movie. I like to imagine his boss yelling at him like a drill sergeant for being such a screw up. “JOHNSON, what is your malfunction? This giant snake looks like paper mache and horse manure!”

I am hoping and praying for the day that we are blessed with a Harry Potter version of Star Wars Kid. Some AV kid practicing his spells with his magic wand. That would be one for the ages.

I fell for the hype with The Matrix. I loved the first. And the second. And the third. It took me a while to realize that the second two were good, but not great. I’m still okay after that revelation, and I can still watch them. But I’m not a drooling fanatic.

There will never be a movie, or anything for that matter, which will live up to your fantastic expectations. So there is never any reason that an adult who presumably has a non-comic book store job and does not live in his mother’s basement should be camping out for the opening of anything. The exception to this rule is the opening of a Chik-Fil-A, which I will be camping in front of in a month. Only chicken sandwiches have the awesome ability to live up to all my wildest expectations.

I love how Christians justify their obsession with movies. They like to say that the hero of the story is a ‘Christ-figure.’ That would make this movie the sixth coming of Christ. Christ-heroes are said to be like Christ because:

They act selflessly.
They sacrifice themselves.
They suffer for others’ benefit, or something like that.

Doesn’t that sound like almost EVERY HERO IN EVERY MOVIE EVER MADE?

Any hero can be made into a Christ-figure. If he’s not in any way like Christ, he’s kind of a crappy hero. Or he’s Spiderman. There’s no way Jesus is anything like that wiener. It’s just a way for Christians to justify obsessing over something. Watch Harry Potter or don’t. I don’t care. I couldn’t care less about the ‘evil’ magic themes. It’s fantasy. Every fantasy film employs ‘magic,’ including the holy grail of ‘Christ-figure’ hero movies, The Lord of the Rings.

I think Harry Potter is a harmless movie franchise. It’s no more ‘evil’ than any other fantasy movie. The point at which it becomes harmful is when Christians teach their kids to obsess over it and justify it with the ‘Christ-figure’ nonsense. It’s also harmful when other Christians become so obsessively opposed to it that they hold book burnings. Who looks more like the occult? Kids dressed up in pointy hats (because that’s how real witches dress?) Or a bunch of people dancing and shouting around a bonfire like a bunch of klansmen around a burning cross? What exactly does burning Harry Potter book accomplish anyway, aside from looking completely insane?

Are you going to see Harry Potter? It’s okay, go ahead and identify yourselves. Do you think it’s legitimately harmful? What movie are you most excited for? Personally, I’m super pumped for Public Enemies.