Tweet Tweet, Everyone!

June 22, 2009

Actually, I’m about to break your hearts.*

I’m not going to join Twitter. Psych!

*The collective “Your hearts” probably doesn’t include your specific heart. According to research, demand for Matt to join Twitter has peaked at approximately two readers. This survey has a margin of error of plus or minus 2.

I gave a lot of thought to the pros and cons before coming to this conclusion. But I had to reach this decision based on one key fact.

Twitter is stupid.

Okay, sorry. It’s not really stupid.*

*Twitter is stupid, but that’s not the reason Matt isn’t joining, as he does lots of things that are stupid.

Why I Won’t Tweet

It Would Kill This Blog
If I Tweeted every gat-dang thought that crossed my mind, well you wouldn’t have anything to read here! It would have flown out of my mouth and into your brains before I could even say to myself, ‘Self, that would make a dang good* blog post.”

*Dang good: referring to any mediocre idea which meets the low low expectations of creativity, intellectual coherance and humor necessary for this blog.

Lindsay Lohan
Have you heard her pop album? Have you seen Mariah Carey’s acting in ‘Glitter?’ Terrible. Just terrible, and not even in the ‘so bad, they’re good’ sense. These movies and songs (these words are used loosely) are actually categorized as high-grade narcotics for their brain cell killing properties. When some rich spoiled skank/”entertainer” is surrounded by worshippers/dolts for too long, their over-priveliged booties sometimes get too big for their tiny britches. Whoever told Paris she could sing or Mariah she could act are not friends. In fact, who told Paris she could do anything? Most people are good at one thing, and they should stick with it. I’m not even good at one thing, so why would I branch out and tarnish Twitter for you? A Matt Twitter would register on the disaster scale somewhere between From Justin to Kelly (9.7) and Three Mile Island (9.5).

I’m Not That Interesting
It takes every ounce of interesting-ness* in me to write this blog. I’m really a very dull, ordinary, unwitty, unintelligent, unhandsome** person who doesn’t do interesting things. I know this because I don’t have a posse of dolts around me 24/7 telling me I’m great. You probably did more interesting things before breakfast than I did in my entire day.

*Analysis confirms that Matt’s total body interesting-ness index is below 13%, dangerously low for his height and weight. Doctors recommend Matt go on a diet high in interesting foods and follow a regimen of interesting exercises.

** However, according to his doting wife, he is quite handsome, despite what he says.

Let’s say I was to join Twitter. Here’s a sample day in my life, the sorts of Tweets you would be subjected to, until you went crazy and realized that Twitter, like all social networks, refuses to let you leave once you sign up:

Got up: morning routine consists of eating Life cereal, surfing blogs, checking email, and reading The Onion.

Obsessively rinsed out wife’s discarded cereal bowl. I can’t stand the little circle of milk that gets stuck in the spoon. Roommate once took advantage of my one weakness by scattering every spoon we owned across the apartment with 3 drops of milk in each one. I was hospitalized for a week. Then I judo chopped his face when he came to visit me. His one weakness is judo chops to the face.

Went to work. I’m an assistant teacher in a special ed room for elementary age kids. Yes, I do that all day.

Came home and listened to the ocean waves crashing on the beach outside my window…at least that’s what the CD says.

Played some Wii. Got it done now so that I’ll be doing something worthwhile when wife gets home, and she’ll think I worked hard all day.

Got into an argument with friends about why the Mad Hatter is mad. Wikipedia is awesome in that in always confirms my vast array of knowledge in the presence of my ignorant friends.

Read some blogs, wrote a blog post. Admired my previous post. Cried a little as I desperately await approval from people I have never met.

Made egg salad: one of the eggs broke in the water, filling the water with egg snot.

Watched Arrested Development. Ate a pudding cup. Realized that each pudding cup is somehow less pleasurable than the last. Contemplated going to the gym…

Is this the kind of thing you really want to read?

Hey, guess what everyone…Just kidding! I am joining Twitter! Look for it in a few days.*

*Psych again! I’m not joining Twitter. Please don’t look for it.

I really just realized that the only thing I’d have worth Tweeting would be new blog posts, and you’re already here, so…why would I need to Tweet you about new blog posts?

For those of you who Tweet, what finally convinced you? For you non-Tweeters, what’s holding you back?