This Guy Is Making Me Look Bad

June 29, 2009

How am I supposed to feel good about myself when there’s so many guys who are so much more talented, handsome, athletic, funny, wealthy, spiritual, and well-groomed than I am?

For years we’ve been hearing that girls have terrible self images. They think they’re fat or ugly or stupid or whatever because of the toys and television shows and role models that are sold to them. Personally, I never met a little girl who actually wanted to turn into an eight inch plastic doll, but apparently Barbie is a huge culprit in forcing lots of girls into eating disorders.

The makers of Barbie corrected this by making her two percent more dumpy. Not that it matters, since now every little girl is playing with Bratz. Soon, every kid is going to feel bad about themselves unless they have ridiculously oversized heads and faces.

I’m not denying that our culture feeds kids and adults role models. They stick in our brains as little ways that we don’t measure up. But you know what? For every Barbie doll, there is a Ken doll, and as anatomically incorrect as he may be, he takes the form of lots of images your sons, brothers, dads, and husbands would like to emulate, but can’t.

The Guys Your Guy Wants to Be

He-Man
Women sometimes complain that cartoons and video games present sexist images of women to young boys. “Sexist” means that the women have ridiculously proportioned lady parts that could give Barbie a black eye. Has anyone noticed what the males look like though? Doesn’t matter what show it is, the hero is always a generic male in a different costume. A ‘masculine’ male has a physique that almost no boy will be able to achieve as he grows up. Years after he first ingests that image of fantasy maleness, he will be disappointed to not see a hairless, muscle-bound, super-virile hulk of a man-beast in the bathroom mirror. Just like the women, the only guys who do achieve such perfectly formed pectoral beauty wind up half naked in an Abercrombie ad, where they will haunt all the ugly people who don’t have the guts to go into an Abercrombie store.

The All-Star
What is really important in life? Is it being able to solve a big problem, or help lots of people? When I was a kid, I dreamed of what I would do as an adult. I dreamed of how I would help lots of people. Then I went to P.E. and realized my dreams were not important. What was important was my lack of ability to climb a rope. Apparently, what’s really important, what really helps people is being able to throw, catch, kick, or dunk a ball. Every time a guy does this, he is validated by millions of fans, and millions of dollars. Every door in life is opened to you if you can score a few points on a field. Screw teaching kids.

James Bond
After men realize they will never achieve the level of physical beauty or athleticism they wish, they lust after having a personality. Whether it’s the classy or mysterious or funny or musical or cool personality, there’s always a guy described as ‘girls want to be with him, and guys want to be him.’ In a guy’s mind, if he can’t be hot, he might at least be able to learn how to be really freakin cool when he walks up to a bar and orders a drink.

A Hot Pastor
This is probably one the more potent images guys are fed, because this dude has it all. A lot of guys take their ladies to church to listen to another guy who apparently has it all together. He’s a family man, he has the answers, a great personality, and he’s actually a really good role model. It’s exactly the same reason Dr. Phil has to beat women off of him with a stick. In some guys’ minds, a dude like this could be a threat; the kind of threat he wants to be. And if you think I’m kidding, if you’re offended that I would say that women think that way, then just Google ‘I have a crush on my pastor.’ Chicks look at hot pastors, and guys know it.

The stereotypical female fantasy is some construction worker or pool boy, but don’t discount the guy kicking butt for Jesus! He just loves Jesus like other guys can’t measure up to! And, have you noticed that some of the most successful pastors are major Hotties with a capital H? That’s like a triple threat! Observe exhibit A to the left…but not for too long. I can’t be responsible for leading you into sin. Okay, move along…

I know what you’re thinking. That guys should just be secure enough in themselves so this isn’t a problem. Of course, and the same should be true for girls. But people don’t think that way. Instead they measure themselves against others. Rather than subject him to a bunch of unattainable pictures of maleness, may I suggest instead that you feed your sons some male images that will actually make him feel good about himself by comparison? Please observe Exhibit B below.

Hey, don’t tell me no one else compares themselves to others and says, ‘Well at least I’m better than that guy!’

Guys and girls, who did you always looked up to, tried to emulate? And no cop-out answers like Jesus. Who was that person, that you had to be just like, whether it meant buying clothes like him, or spending hours trying to get your hair to look like hers?

Anyone else have a problem going into the Abercrombie store, if for no other reason, than you are intimidated by the ‘beautiful’ people?