You’re About to Get Pwned

May 18, 2009

I like to argue.

Maybe you’ve gathered that. I was on the debate team. I really am a nice guy, though. I hear that everyone in France just sits at little outdoor restaurants all day (at least on the four days a week they aren’t working) just arguing really passionately about nothing of consequence. Sounds like a nice place.

I don’t think I’m alone. Being a Christian and arguing seem to go hand in hand. However there are a few arguments that are just so silly, they ought to be retired.

I warn you. I may be about to step on your pet argument, your hill to die on. Well tough, I didn’t know it was your hill. Keep on fighting the good fight, though. Onward Christian soldiers!

Four Arguments Christians Should Stop Having

Didn’t God Create the Earth in Six Literal Days?
I ask: does it really matter if a highly poetic and simplistic passage of the Bible turns out to not be literally true in that one sense? I submit: it does not. Do we argue about what the water was that God was hovering over? Do we argue about how He created light before the sun? No. We argue about how long it took Him to do it.

Sometimes, when Christians feel they’re losing the argument for creationism, against evolutionism, they start talking about how the earth is only 6,000 years old. Or how God filled the earth with fake dinosaur bones to fool scientists. Please.

If you want to believe in a six day creation, fine. It could’ve happened, might not have. He could’ve created the universe by causing a Big Bang, for all I care. But please don’t tie yourself to theories that directly fly in the face of physical evidence. Dinosaurs existed. The earth is really really old. There is no scientifc observation of evolution in process, so you don’t need a ‘young earth.’

You just got Pwned.

Didn’t Jesus Turn Water into Grape Juice, Not Wine?
Coming from a Baptist seminary, I heard this one a lot. A few profs found it essential to waste a class period to give us ‘The Talk’ about alcohol, complete with proof that the word wine is actually Greek for Welch’s 100% Grape Juice (not from concentrate).

Doesn’t the Bible forbid wine?
No. Sorry. Every book of the Bible, save for Jonah mentions wine or winemaking in some way. It was a part of the culture Jesus lived in. Hundreds of winepresses have been found in Israel.

But what if everyone just drank juice?
How would they have kept the juice from fermenting? You’re in a hot climate with dust blowing everywhere and no refrigeration, it’s impossible to not make wine! My pasteurized OJ ferments if it sits in my fridge too long!

But I heard drinking was bad!
Well you actually heard getting drunk was bad, and that’s true. The Israelites watered down their wine, both to keep from getting drunk, and to purify the water, which would otherwise make them sick.

So yeah, Jesus turned water into wine, a normal part of his culture. And the parable isn’t even meant to emphasize the wine anyway, so quit missing the point. Look, have a glass of wine or don’t. It’s between you and God.

Now it’s on like Donkey Kong.

Aren’t We Saved By Grace Alone, Not Good Works?
Yes, even real arguments over theology can have their limits. People who like to argue about this one, many times also enjoy:

Don’t We Have Free Will, So How Could We Be ‘Elect?’
Or this…
Aren’t We Once Saved, Always Saved?

Guess what? I’m going to end these arguments right now. One: You’re saved by grace, so get off your bum and do some good deeds, and do it without expecting God to give you a cookie for every good deed you do. Two: Maybe we’re ‘elect,’ but that doesn’t give you an excuse to make God do all the work. Three: Wouldn’t it be easier to just not ‘fall away’ in the first place rather than wonder if we can fall away and still be saved?

Summing up the habits of the infinite God in the name of a 16th century Frenchman is absurd.

You just got served.

Shouldn’t Christians Just Stop Arguing and Get Along?
Okay, I’ll end this argument right now.

No, you’re wrong.

Christians steward something that is worth keeping pure, even by disagreeing with people who are wrong. People are always going to have stupid ideas about Jesus, and they’ll need a Christian nearby to give them a judo chop of truth to the neck to keep them in line.

Besides, are most Christian arguments really that bad? I mean, look at the Muslims. We got our Inquisition out of the way hundreds of years ago, and they’re still firebombing each other! Why? I don’t think they even know.

The next time some fancy-pants atheist calls Christians ‘brainwashed’ or ‘kool-aid drinkers’ or ‘sheep’ and calls himself a ‘free thinker’ to make himself look enlightened, just point out the rich heritage of arguments Christians have. Sheep don’t argue, tool.

The only ‘Christians’ who don’t argue at all are Mormons, and that’s why they aren’t Christians. At my Baptist college, there was a kind of pervasive scent wafting in the air that told everyone to agree at all costs. Someone didn’t give these kids the memo that they were Baptists. Trust me, you don’t want that non-argumentative Christianity. It was weird.

In your face, sucka!

But, pick your battles. Some of them aren’t worth it. And yes, I am aware of the irony that will almost certainly ensue as I spark more arguments over the above points by saying that the arguments are dead.

What’s your pet argument? What argument needs to be retired?