Wedding Crashers

May 20, 2009

I performed my first wedding last weekend.

All in all, I have to say it went pretty well. If nothing else, they’re legally married, so whatever else happened didn’t really matter. My wife was the Maid of Honor too, so that was pretty cool.

It got me thinking about our wedding a few years ago and all the traditions we wanted to have in our wedding; and traditions we absolutely wanted no part of. Thankfully, nothing happened at this wedding that left anyone uncomfortable, embarrassed, or soaking wet for any reason.

I was really pumped by your enthusiasm two days ago about Christian arguments that need to stop, for the love of all that is holy. So in the same spirit, I give you:

Four Wedding Traditions That Need to Stop

Postponing the Toasts
I’ve been to plenty of weddings by now, thank you very much to my wife’s Catholic family. Many of the weddings had an open bar, which made the prospect of a road trip and a full day down the drain a little more bearable. But for crying out loud, if you are going to have an open bar, then open the bar with the toasts to the couple!

No one postpones opening the bar until the toasts are ready to happen. People just start drinking. But that’s what a toast is for: to start drinking, in celebration of the bride and groom. So you’re going to tell the groom’s frat buddies, ‘Open bar! Oh, but not yet! Don’t drink too much until we officially start drinking, because it’s your job to make a toast so we can start drinking. Then it’s open bar.’

I haven’t seen more than a couple of best men who started the race before the gun went off, so to speak, but it was well worth it in memories.

The Garter Belt
My then-fiance and I both had a queasy feeling when we thought of me reaching up her dress in front of my grandmother, pulling off a piece of her underwear, waving it over my head like a rodeo clown, and tossing it into a crowd of people. I don’t know, something about that seemed a little weird.

So I did some research. Maybe there was a perfectly reasonable and dignified rationale for this age-old tradition that might give us pause before throwing out a meaningful part of the wedding.

Turns out that, no, there is not. Not in any way. However you try to justify it, you are pulling of your lady’s underwear in front of your grandmother, and waving it over your head like a rodeo clown. Unless you either want to make me queasy, or you plan on grinding on the dance floor to Sir-Mix-A-Lot immediately afterward, in which case I’ll take 2 Pabst Blue Ribbons, please let this tradition die.

Endless Engagements
I know you want the day to be perfect, but really. How long does a party take to plan? A party which, inevitably, will be enjoyed by everyone less than you. Six months is ideal. Nine is okay. A year is pushing it. If it’s been over a year, you are only giving him more time to have second thoughts. I can’t imagine a Christian couple wanting to postpone their wedding for month after month…unless…well, you know…they’re…

fornicating.

Get engaged, plan the party, grab your gifts, get it done!

Speaking of trying to have the perfect day…

Flipping Out like the girl in ‘The Exorcist’
I get it. You’ve been dreaming about your wedding day since you were five. You are a fairy princess and Prince Charming McCharmington will sweep you away on a white horse to your pink sparkly castle.

Guess what. You will never have the perfect day. You are not marrying the perfect man. Nothing about this day can ever live up to the warped imagination of a five-year-old girl. So quit flipping out about it like a five-year-old girl. A tear or two is okay once in a while. But there is nothing sexy about a bride screeching at everyone in her wedding dress. There is nothing entertaining about watching it on TV! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that precious few of those idiot grooms don’t have the stones to leave her at the altar! They were the ones stupid enough to propose to them and awaken their primal lust for tulle and sequence and butter creme. They probably think if they can get through this day without pissing off ‘the volcano’ too much, it will all be over. We’ll see…

The problem is that out-of-control brides don’t realize that NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS. The most ‘important’ day of you life is merely a blip on everyone else’s radar. They are probably only showing up for the open bar, knowing how you treat others.

I told my fiance if she pulled a ‘Bridezilla,’ the wedding would be off. She agreed, and I agreed to the same on my end and be helpful. There was nothing in our wedding planning that was worth it. Ladies, please keep it under control. If you can’t handle the freedom of planning your own wedding, we may just have to go back to the old days when we married to forge international treaties. Love sounds better, doesn’t it?

I could go on, I suppose about traditions with buying the couple a showing gift and a wedding gift, or buying engraved wedding cake knives, but then I’d sound cheap. What wedding traditions do you shun? Which is your favorite? Did you do any of the above traditions and were they amazing?

One response to Wedding Crashers

  1. My parents met during the "awkward throwing of the garter moment," so I'm not sure they'll let me get away without that one in my wedding :-) My dad caught the garter and my mom caught the flowers, and tradition in their part of the world (Baltimore, MD) dictated that they then had to dance together. Which they did, were struck by a lightning bolt of love, and stayed up talking that night until the sun rose. And all because the groom so graciously stuck his hand up his new wife's skirt (in front of his grandmother) and threw part of her underwear into a crowd of men…*sigh*.