Jesus is My Perfect Smoking-Hot Girlfriend

May 1, 2009

Jesus was a real man. We established that on Wednesday. Just about everyone agreed wholeheartedly. Kyle at The Post Karmic Stream called me out with his great comment that it doesn’t matter how ‘manly’ (by our standards) Jesus really was (though he was pretty manly.) What’s important is how we represent him with our lives.

I’m glad to agree that we don’t need a hyper-masculine Jesus, because as it turns out, Jesus made a pretty fine woman too.

Jesus is a great example for guys to follow as men, as boyfriends and husbands. But where does that leave the ladies? Guess what? It looks like Jesus, if he were a chick, would make a pretty rockin’ girlfriend. Behold, Jesus’ perfect feminine mystique.

Jesus: The Perfect Woman in 5 Steps

Jesus said what he meant.
Nearly Universal Woman Problem #1: men don’t know what on earth you are talking about. It starts out early. As preteen girls see how dumb the boys are acting, they think they should act dumb too so as to not seem contradictory that they have a slogan printed on their butts. By adulthood, girls figure it’s probably okay to be able to do math, but there’s no way they’re going to give a guy a straight answer when he asks something like, ‘What’s wrong?’ Wouldn’t it just be easier to say what’s wrong than play the endless ‘Oh, nothing…’ game?

Not Jesus. First, he wasn’t afraid to show he knew his stuff. Second, when something was wrong, he called someone on it without blowing up into a hysterical screeching wench. This is one of the only ways that most women should be more like men.

Jesus was one of the guys.
Saying that Jesus was a guy seems counter productive to women, but that’s just how little you know about being a woman! Guys are supposed to be gentlemen, but sometimes, itches, smells or sounds are just part of being around guys. Girls, you may think you are a precious delicate flower plucked by a unicorn from a dew kissed forest glade, but guys will never appreciate that if you can’t deal with being around them. Being a ‘bro’ is one of the most important traits a female can have. If you choose to be a good sport and hang with hubby and friends for the big game, you should expect male things to happen and when it does, not say, ‘How dare you break wind in my presence, you swine! I am a LADY!’ If you can’t deal with it, expect to hear a lot more of, ‘Bring us more sandwiches, Squaw!’ If you can deal with, your stock will soar with your guy.

Jesus hung with a bunch of guys all the time. A bunch were fishermen: coarse, dirty men who were used to the freedom of the open sea. Do you think at least once, Peter or Andrew broke wind? Do you think the others may have laughed at it? Do you think Jesus squinted at them cockeyed and said, ‘Guys…the Son of God is present.’ Buzzkill.

Jesus didn’t overstay his welcome.
Some girlfriends get way too clingy. They fall desperately in love and don’t figure out that guys need alone time. They feel they need to be the center of attention at all time. Then some of them actually trick a guy into marrying them, and they think that just because they live together, they should do everything together 24/7, like wear matching sweaters.

Jesus came to town, stayed over a few nights, and moved on when the invitation expired. He didn’t start using guys’ toothbrushes or finishing off their favorite cereal or rearranging their DVDs while they were at work. And even when he was performing a miracle, he didn’t think the world had to stop because of it! Most of the time, he did it with no fanfare and told people to keep quiet about it!

If your guy is a good one, he’ll notice you washed the dishes without you acting like you raised the dead! He may not say ‘thank you’ right away, but he’ll thank you in some way down the line.

Jesus never whined.
As much as women are told they don’t need a man to figure things out for them, some just don’t get it. As soon as problem arises, they interrupt the guy, who is right in the middle of a super hard level on his video game, makes him quit, and fix whatever’s wrong. Then the guy realizes he is not a real man, so he calls one to fix his woman’s problem. A real woman tries to solve her own problems, then falls back on the guy, who will then be more than happy to oblige her.

Jesus was preaching to a bunch of people, and Philip starts whining about how no one has any food, and there’s not enough money, and all they have is some lousy bread and fish. Jesus doesn’t chime in with his whining, ‘Oh no, whatever will we do? Mew, mew, mew’ No. He rolls up his sleeves and MAKES DINNER FOR 5,000 PEOPLE ON A MOMENT’S NOTICE! Then he serves Philip his special order ‘Whaaa-mburger and Cries.’

The lesson here is twofold. Unless you have less than 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, don’t talk about there being nothing in the house. Dinner is served.

Jesus never nagged.
This is huge and multi-faceted. Jesus never told someone what to do, then repeated himself 5 minutes later. If someone wasn’t going to do what he said, he let them be failures. He didn’t go around shouting, ‘Hey, I SAID give up all your possessions and FOLLOW me! Are you even listening?’ Jesus didn’t find men and try to ‘change’ them. He gave them enough credit to let them WANT to change on their own. If people weren’t willing to change, they weren’t worth wasting his time.

If you pass Jesus’ five tests of babe-a-liciousness, you too can be a smoking-hot girlfriend or wife, no matter what you look like. So start being a real woman. Like Jesus.

What does it mean to be a real woman to you? What is the most feminine of all characteristics? What did you think I was going to say when you read the post title?