How Do I Choose When All the Choices Are Bad?

May 11, 2009

Know what people have too many of? Choices.

Choices not only waste time in trying to make decisions, excessive choices make babies out of people. The phrase ‘make do’ gets gradually scrubbed from our vocabulary as people believe that every aspect of human existence should be custom tailored to their special little needs. The excess of choices is especially absurd in America. Here’s three areas where we have too many choices.

Processed Food
Have you looked at your supermarket’s cheese section? Chances are, it’s ridiculous. There’s five sizes, six brands, twenty flavors, and ten textures, making for a grand total of three-hundred varieties of cheese. And each one is someone’s special, most favorite cheese in the whole wide world, so God forbid the store discontinue it and make you buy a different one.

‘I have to have my Sargento brand eight ounce Italian five cheese finely shredded blend. This is Kraft brand 9 ounce Italian four cheese coarsely shredded blend, you dolt!’

The only reason stores don’t stock more cheese is because they have to make room for about 17 million varieties of yogurt. Come to think of it, the entire dairy industry is completely out of control. I heard a radio commercial for a local dairy with 54 flavors of yogurt. And they all come in ‘sort of healthy’ and ‘almost healthy’ varieties. No yogurt which is called ‘Butter Pecan Bread Pudding with a Scoop of Vanilla Ice Cream and a Squirt of Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup’ is really healthy. But for some reason, women think to themselves ‘I’m on a diet, what can I eat? Ohhh, yogurt! It has as much sugar as Mountain Dew, but it’s healthy. Mmmm, it’s soooo good! I’m going to eat six of these today.’

Back to cheese. How many choices do we need when we buy cheese? Three: Yellow, and White, which no one would purchase because the third choice would be Jalapeno, and that’s all you need.

Child Stars
Somewhere in a deep underground bunker under the glare of steel and flourescent lights, the Disney corporation scientists conduct shady experiments in their endless effort to manufacture the perfect child star. With each new Hannah Montana or Jonas Brother, they come another degree closer to the perfect blend of vapid intellect, ‘innocent’ pre-teen sex appeal, and pseudo-Christian values.

Child stars are mostly the products of broken dreams. Parents farm out their kids to Disney, who has identified their child as having a maximum marketability ratio. Then they grow up and become Raven Symone, at which point they are enrolled in the Muppets’ acting class* and spend the rest of their days in teen idol purgatory where they pretend to be in junior high on screen, while trying to hide their off-screen sexual indiscretions.

*If you have a few minutes with your kids, watch some Sesame Street and That’s So Raven, and tell me it doesn’t appear that Raven and Elmo graduated from the same acting school. They probably learned under the careful instruction of Rachael Ray.

Kids are trained to be obsessed with idols, and then they grow up and grow out of their childhood idols (who are ironically, contractually obligated to not grow up). Then they ‘graduate’ to ‘Entertainment Tonight’ where they can catch up on the highly important antics of used up child stars trying to cope with the memories of their childhoods.

Back in the day, the only way out of a marriage was to be burned at the stake for being a witch or getting killed in a heroic battle. These days, a lot of people seem to think spouses are a lot like cheese.

‘Oh, yuk! You aren’t quite palatable to me. Give me another one of these three-hundred choices. Ewww! That doesn’t suit me either! I’m having ‘irreconcilable differences’ with this cheese.’

If people didn’t think they had so many choices, they’d work it out with the cheese, er…wife they’ve got. They’d make do. Now I know there are exceptions. Sometimes, the cheese is trying to poison you. Time to find someone new. But really, most of the rest of us are acting like idiots. What’s that? Your husband doesn’t pay attention to you? Try making it worth his while. Say again? Your wife isn’t enthusiastic in bed? Try picking up your laundry like she’s been asking for 20 years, you shrub. If you can’t work it out with who you’ve got, chances are, you’d screw it up with someone else too.

Oh yeah, I thought of this sweet deleted scene from the Borat movie as I was writing. It’s clean, so enjoy!

What do you think? Do we have too many choices? What would you like to see get paired down?