Televangelist Knock-Out! Round Two!

April 10, 2009

One week ago, eight pugilist preachers entered the ring to vie for the championship title of all televangelists.

Today, just four advance to the second round, while four go home with their ‘Participation’ ribbons. Hey, they’re all winners, right folks? Let’s give them a big hand!

My friends, it’s time for Round 2 of Televangelist Knock-Out! Our first round of contests were some exciting fights to the finish to see who would win in an all-out cage match (determined by your votes and comments.) Some guys won on braun alone, while others relied on wit and cat-like reflexes to best their opponent. Today, the winners of Round One square off for a chance at the finals!

Let’s see how Round 2 is shaping up!

It was a close fight between John Hagee and the diminuitive Benny Hinn. Hinn started strong, easily maneuvering around Hagee. But around halfway through the fight, the tables turned. Hinn couldn’t land a blow on Hagee without instantly healing him! Even covering his hands with his jacket was to no avail. Hagee called down some incredible hellfire that had Hinn cowering in the fetal position.

John Hagee faces off today against a much more evenly matched opponent, T.D. Jakes. Jakes won the only blowout of Round 1, and boy was it brutal. Pat Robertson, the soft-spoken voice of Christian conservativism tried to reason with Jakes, who towered over him by at least three feet, but there was nothing he could do as Jakes simply shouted over Robertson’s prayers. Now Jakes will see if he can out-shout a shouting black-belt!

Our second match-up sees Joel Osteen back to dish out some more “encouragement.” Not exactly a fan favorite early in the match; it looked as if Robert Schuller would beat Osteen with his ninja trickery by hiding in the Crystal Cathedral forest, waiting to strike. Hopeful fans tried to sway the betting by saying that Schuller might be able to summon some sort of mystical power from his robe, perhaps fly circles around Osteen like Superman. Alas, Schuller never got off the ground. Osteen’s winning smile and down-home demeanor simply blinded and disoriented the octogenarian. Osteen took away an upset win, much to the pleasure and encouragement of 40,000 people on Sunday and tens of millions worldwide, and the great displeasure of everyone else.

Finally, Joel Osteen takes on Jerry Falwell, the winner of the closest match of the first round. As the votes were tallied throughout the fight, Falwell and Kenneth Copeland simply circled one another, as they appeared to be waiting for the other to throw the first strike. In the final seconds of regulation, Copeland dropped, exhausted, bested by Falwell’s now immortal stamina. Copeland attempted to tag his wife, Gloria into the ring, but Joyce Meyer suddenly jumped from the crowd and cracked her over the head with a folding chair full of ‘telling it like it is.’ Now two generals of the greatest Christian armies will see whose followers can carry then to victory.

How will Round Two turn out? Who will advance to the final round? Only you can decide! (Unless you can’t, and then my vote is a tiebreaker.) Be sure to vote on the right side of the page. Who do you want to see rise to the top? Be sure to cheer on your race horse with a shout-out in the comments section too!

Have a great weekend, everyone!