Televangelist Knock-Out! Round One!

April 3, 2009

I just want to thank you for all your positive feedback on the unveiling of my new ministry last Wednesday. For the two of you who didn’t catch on until the end that it was a joke, I’m just going to pull out my trumpet here…there it is…warm up the lips…that’s it…and say:

waaaa waaaaa waaaaa WAAAAAAAA!

I spent way too long trying to figure out what to call the ‘mocking’ or ‘sarcastic’ trumpet sound, and I never did find out what it’s actually called, much less find an audio clip of it. But we all know what it is.

Now, onto business…

Part of being growing up as a guy is dealing with male aggression. I know, hard to believe, but boys sometimes fight.

Sometimes, when boys aren’t fighting we…I mean they like to imagine who would win in a hypothetical fight. Like Batman or Superman? Hulk or Spiderman?

Today, we celebrate the age old tradition of pitting two adversaries together we might like to go at it in the arena. But our combatants aren’t professional fighters, ninjas, or superheroes. They’re televangelists. In fact, I think we’d be surprised if any of them had ever thrown a punch in their lives…which makes the game all the more fun!

Today, we’ll have the first four brackets. Be sure to vote for who would win in a no-holds-barred round of fisticuffs. Next Friday, we’ll reveal the results and move on to Round 2. In three weeks, we’ll crown the champion of all Televangelist Cage-Fighters!

TELEVANGELIST KNOCK-OUT: ROUND ONE

John Hagee brings to the arena his awesome strength and ability to summon the very fires and brimstone of hell. I would not put it past this guy to actually cause the Armageddon, if only in order to win.

Benny Hinn, although smaller in stature, yelling power, and prophetic abilities is uniquely miraculous in his own right. Known to hit, push and throw his jacket at people, Hinn carries the essential anointing of healing power. It remains to be seen if Hinn could actually heal himself of combat related injuries, and come back for the win in the final seconds.

T.D. Jakes. Have you ever seen a man look so scary? I actually wouldn’t be surprised if this guy has been in a few fist fights. He could be the bouncer at a bar, for crying out loud. Aside from sheer girth, Jakes brings the force of level 8 sweating power to the ring.

Pat Robertson. This was actually the angriest photo I could find of the man, the only documented proof of Robertson’s temper being raised to the level of ‘slightly agitated.’ Although no physical match for Jakes’ size, don’t underestimate Robertson’s ability to speak in plain English about the fallacy of fighting…then kicking his opponent when he isn’t looking.

Joel Osteen: This is the battle of the smiles, old school verses new school. Osteen comes into the ring, 5’3,” 105 pounds, and all teeth. With all the talk Osteen gives about victory today, one cannot underestimate his ability to summon God’s blessing in the arena. Plus he has the world’s largest army to come to his defense should he fall.

Robert Schuller: This guy was smiling when Joel was still in diapers! Although you may think Schuller’s relative age would put him down for the count, his seeming decrepitude only lulls you into a false sense of security. Just when you think he’s pinned, he disappears into all those ferns like a ninja…and then you’re toast.

Jerry Falwell: This was the only photo I didn’t have to crop beforehand. Jerry Falwell’s head actually filled up the camera’s entire field of vision. This guy is the big man on campus, with enough clout to help elect or defeat Presidents. And though now deceased, is currently occupied with lobbying God for tighter ethics legislation in heaven.

Kenneth Copeland: I only knew Kenneth Copeland as the smiling gentleman in the earth toned office with the globe on TV. But apparently, the man’s got some chops too. Just when you think you’re good buddies, BAM! You don’t know what’s happened! Plus, if he gets tired, he’ll just tag his wife, and she’ll come in the ring and finish you off for the KO.

Be sure to vote for your favorites in all four contests – in the poll on the right side of the page, and cheer for your televangelist of choice in the comments – let’s give these guys some encouragment! We’ll see who advances to Round Two next Friday!