Laaaadies and Gennnntlemen! Tonight is the big face off, our final round in the climactic clash of our televangelist titans, our anointed all-stars!
Our contestants today have survived two rounds thanks to your generous votes and heart-felt adoration and praise! Today, they will need you more than ever as they meet to find out who is the baddest TV preacher of them all!
I give you:
Born: March 5, 1963
Standing Army: 40,000
First, Robert Schuller fell, then Joel Osteen squared off against Jerry Falwell. As the two opponents stared each other down, it was clear it would be another close fight. Would Falwell be able to endure with his immortal stamina and the following of thousands of deceased saints and Reagan supporters?
As the round wore on, all bets were off. Each strike landed was answered by another. It looked as if Falwell might pull it off as Osteen struggled and became discouraged. Like kryptonite to Superman, Osteen’s discouragement crippled him as he fell into a spiral of low self-esteem and self-doubt. But suddenly, when he could not go any further, when all hope was lost, Osteen’s army of loyals started chanting, ‘This is my Bible. I can do what it says I can do.”
With a surge of mighty energy and renewed faith, Osteen rose from the floor, wiped his brow, and the rest is history. Falwell didn’t even know what hit him.
Born: June 9, 1957
Standing Army: 30,000
No one has been able to stand in the way of T.D. Jakes, as he has sweated and shouted his way through two rounds. The first was a complete blow-out against Pat Robertson. In the second round, it seemed he would be more evenly matched against John Hagee. Hagee came in fresh from his win, with all the fire, brimstone and Israeli nuclear air-strikes he could muster.
Alas, there was no contest. Every strike Hagee landed seemed only to strengthen Jakes as he landed two strikes to each of Hagee’s. His shouting power completely drowned out his opponents warnings of impending Armageddon. It wasn’t the end of the world, but the end of the contest for John Hagee.
Today, a younger, nimble flyweight Joel Osteen faces off against the towering TD Jakes. Osteen comes to the field of battle physically outmatched but with an immortal smile and an army 10,000 stronger than his opponent. Some would question if this will be enough to come out the champion, when he has barely edged out a win in the first two rounds. Don’t count him out just yet. Osteen is the guy who won America’s hearts just by saying “I think I can. I think I can. I think I can…” Will he have what it takes to topple the behemoth who has left two adversaries trounced in his wake? Who will leave the champion? Whose plans will God cause to prosper, because it can’t be both!
Your fighters need your support! Vote to the right and cheer them on to final victory!