Tax Day! Quick, Make a Charitable Donation!

April 15, 2009

It’s tax day! Today’s the day to make sure Uncle Sam gets his due, and cross your fingers for some taxes to be returned to you (if you’re a slacker and haven’t done it already.)

While some of us are looking forward to a big fat tax return, others will sadly be owing extra. ‘What happened, why do I owe money?’ you ask. ‘Didn’t I already deduct enough taxes from my paychecks? Did I miss any deductions? Didn’t we get another dependant this year?’

And suddenly, someone will wish they had paid more attention to the pastor’s annual ‘stewardship’ sermon…

‘Tithing! I knew we forgot to do something this year!’

While it’s true that most American Christians do contribute financially to their churches, the vast majority do not contribute the exact God Almighty-mandated amount of 10% (gross income, not net, heathan.) Then there’s the pang of guilt and regret when the tax form asks for ‘charitable contributions’ and we have a paltry little number to fill in. That really should be ‘Point 3’ of the ‘stewardship’ sermon: the government’s going to take your money anyway, might as well give it to Jesus, and then the government will give some of it back to you!

But there’s still time to scribble a check for your church at the eleventh hour! Consider these very worthy needs your church has, which you could fill, and reap the tax rewards at the same time!

Four Church Donations to Get a Fat Tax Return

A Floating Granite Ball Fountain

Churches have attempted for centuries to win converts by installing beautiful fountains in their buildings. After hundreds of fountains costing thousands of dollars, however, the research proves the efforts to be futile. Conventional fountains have an almost solid record of failure in attracting new believers to the ‘fountain of life’ in Christ. After all, a fountain is just a machine squirting water in the air! Even fountains filled with blood, drawn from Emmanuel’s veins fail to do anything…except mortify visitors.

However, when a fountain is endowed with an 80,000 pound ball of solid granite, floating on a thin pillow of running water, let’s just say you better expand the overflow seating! Fountains like these have appeared for years in hospitals, casinos, corporate offices, trade shows, and are now attracting the masses to the spectacle and magical wonder of Jesus.

To quote the manufacturer’s website, granite ball fountains, ‘mystify, attract and enthrall visitors.’ Did you read that? Enthrall visitors. I’m sold. Your church cannot afford to be without one of these, when the church down the street is sure to have one! How do you plan to mystify and dazzle your visitors, may I ask? Donuts? That’s adorable.

Donation: $75,000
Tax Refund: Enough to buy an eco-friendly car
Treasure in heaven: An extra 1/2 bath in your heavenly mansion.

A Giant Spinning Globe

Maybe your church can keep up with the Jones’ church by matching them with a ball fountain of your own.

Or, you could blow the Jones’ church out of the water, so to speak.

Sure, you could donate a puny little 80,000 pound ball of rock – which came out of the ground; and some water…which anyone could get in the nearest river! Or you you could donate a 90,000 pound mechanized globe. Of course, it has to spin, because, what’s the point of a giant globe that doesn’t spin? That would just look foolish and wasteful.

It’s a proven fact that people are attracted to shiny things. People are even more attracted to shiny, spinning things.

The globe in the picture belongs to you-know-who. With this baby, your church could subtly illustrate its plans for global domination and takeover of all other churches.

Donation: $135,000
Tax Refund: Enough to adopt a child from Malawi
Treasure in Heaven: Thomas does your laundry for a whole year.

A Great Big Cross

Sure, a globe is great…if you like to dream small. Know who dreams small? Losers. Losers who obviously don’t command God’s blessing. Come on, a globe fits very tidily at the front of a modest sized stadium…Inside the stadium. Why even bother? Why not build a monument that’s bigger than the church itself?

With a giant cross, you can remind everyone of Jesus’ existence! The cross in this picture is in Texas…because people in Texas are dangerously close to forgetting Jesus’ existence. With two or more crosses, a church can mark it’s territory. Planes flying into town, cars passing by will know they are entering a land claimed by Jesus, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it!

Plus using a cross instead of a non-denominational, vaguely secular symbol like a globe is kind of old-school and quaint. Maybe using crosses to decorate our churches will become a fashionable new trend.

Donation: $250,000
Tax Refund: Enough to bribe a public official
Treasure in Heaven: A pizza party with all your friends

A Church-Mart Supercenter

A big fountain or a globe or a giant cross is cool…if you only want a few thousand people a week to see it.

Or you could build a church big enough for you and your friends…all 300,000 of them. That should cover all my Facebook friends!

A church such as this one in Nigeria houses 50,000 people…with an outdoor tailgate party of 250,000. Seriously, it’s the area to the left, full of people.

The building is actually now a sentient creature. It can be heard bellowing, ‘Feeeeed me! Bring me Lakewood Church, for I am hungry! And Saddleback for dessert!’

The best part about this would be if you actually did build the church in Nigeria or someplace similar. Sure this place costs 100 million Nigerian dollars. Good thing that’s about ten bucks American! Here, have two, on me!

Donation: $10.00
Tax Return: Enough for 10 Wendy’s Double Stack Cheeseburgers
Treasure in Heaven: You get to go to the real heaven, the one with the real Christians.

Any tax tips to share? Any amazing donations your church could use to keep up with the Jones’ church?