My Messiah Can Beat Up Your Messiah

April 22, 2009

Some say that actions speak louder than words – that a loving act of mercy will convert a sinner to Christ far faster than debating theology.

But what is the zealously evangelistic Christian to do when he’s driving down the road and some godless heathen driving next to him obviously needs to be witnessed to? A good deed is impossible, and as tempting as it may be, rolling down your window and yelling, ‘You’re going to hell!’ probably isn’t practical.

Next best thing: bumper sticker evangelism.

Bumper stickers have all the benefits of gospel tract evangelism, and then some. Consider this:
People cannot help but read bumper stickers.
Bumper stickers follow this general rule: more is better.
Bumper stickers spontaneously evangelize other drivers without any input from you!
When people realize you are a Christian, they will think highly of you and your opinions.

With all those benefits, I’m ashamed that Christians don’t have more stickers on their cars. Here in the Kansas City metro, Christians can be a little timid about their beliefs on the road. As I travel southward to see family in the Ozarks however, I always know I’m nearing my destination as the concentration of bumper stickers increases. I’m in God’s land.

I’m not saying advertising your faith on your Toyota is bad. But some people do it better than others! To help you in this all-important realm of Christian life, I’ve created a handy scoring guide to help you know how good a bumper sticker evangelist YOU are!

1. You place a simple Jesus fish on your car. People are blessed by you every time you yield to them in heavy traffic: +1 point.

2. You react to that awful ‘Darwin fish’ by getting a ‘Truth fish’ eating the Darwin fish. That should be the last word: +2 points.

3. Uh-oh. Those sneaky Darwinists just came up with the ‘Dinosaur eating the Jesus fish.’ You now place on your car ‘God striking the dinosaur dead with a meteor.’ Checkmate: +5 points.

4. Your bumper sticker says ‘Christians Aren’t Perfect, Just Saved,’ breaking the epidemic delusion that Christians are in fact perfect, plus a passive-agressive bonus point for still whispering ‘You’re going to hell’: +2 points.
5. Your bumper sticker says ‘Real Men Love Jesus.’ No better way to break the ice than to insult a guy’s manhood. Guys love that: +2 points.

6. You bumper sticker simply says ‘Got Jesus?’ Yes I do, for strong healthy bones: +1 point.

7. You remind people to ‘Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly’ which apparently is no faster than the posted legal speed limit. Give yourself another passive-agressive bonus point for giving a ‘tsk tsk’ to others for a ‘sin’ you obviously never break: +2 points.

8. Your Jesus bumper sticker sits next to your advertisement of: your political party, your stance on the environment, gays, war, a presidential candidate, unions, America, or your ownership of guns. One of the first things Jesus taught was the importance of good citizenship under Roman rule. +2 points.

9. Creating your own bumper sticker when your pet issue just isn’t covered by those ‘Hallmark’ stickers.
Referencing an obscure theological argument: +1 point.
Referencing Bible verses people don’t know: +1 point each.
Calling other Christians heretics: +3 points.

10. Your bumper sticker reads ‘In case of Rapture, this car is yours:’ + 1 point.

11: Your ‘Rapture’ bumper sticker is actually on a car someone would want: +3 points.

12. Knowing that lots of stickers on one car is really annoying to look at, you justify yourself by condemning everyone who doesn’t have lots of Jesus stickers: +10 points.

0-6 points: You are a Carpool Christian: willing to go along with the crowd, as long as someone else is driving.

7-15 points: You are a budding bumper sticker evanglist. Keep a running tally of mileage you drive and multiply by 1.25 to find the number of souls you have saved!

16 points or more: You are a Holy Roller, a sermon on wheels! Your car also has a soul and it will be joining you in your heavenly garage, where there will be no more leaking of oil or rusting of parts.

How did you do? What are some of your favorite Jesus related bumper stickers?

4 responses to My Messiah Can Beat Up Your Messiah

  1. Wow. I would express my feelings on how sad, pathetic, and futile these efforts are, but I am intelligent enough to know it would be in vein against such widely endorsed "faith."

    You will NEVER save a soul with a bumper sticker, mainly because the soul isnt real, but also due to the fact we live in the era where rationality has made a strong comeback against ridiculous claims of anything divine.

    Maybe you should be more concerned with the effect of you driving around on the environment, the technology that makes it possible, the ability of other people to have access to this transporatation, etc….but no.

    You wish to impress and endoctrinate the world with the beliefs and opinions that are not wrong, but most certainly not empirically correct, so just allow everyone to make their own journey through life and they give you the same liberty.

  2. nice, fancy renting me a small text link or banner ad on the top of the page??

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