Jesus Was a Scowling Heartbreaking Lumberjack

April 29, 2009

Something’s wrong with our Jesus.

For a long time, the number of women and children in church has greatly outnumber the dudes. Why is this? I think it’s partly because guys don’t think they can relate to Jesus. We’ve painted him as this meek, wobbly spined little guy who wasn’t a real man. Thus, church is a place for women and children and weak men, the kind of people Jesus related to.


Jesus was a real man. A man’s man. The kind of guy who, if he weren’t the Son of God, would help you fix your roof, would bring steaks over for a barbecue, and throw down if some drunk guy was asking for it. In fact, Jesus was the father of all ‘real men.’ All real men are just copying Jesus in some way. Jesus had many sides to him, but today, we’re only focusing on the one that gets ignored too often. Behold, the raw power of Jesus’ perfect masculinity.

Jesus: A Real Man in Five Steps

Jesus could fix anything.
While many guys today are content with calling a real man whenever something breaks around the house, Jesus certainly didn’t have to. Know why? Cause he built the dang house with his bare hands! Jesus learned his father’s trade of carpentry, and could probably out shop-class most guys including Ty Pennington any day of the week, and without the use of duct tape or frosted spiky hair. Now where did Jesus get all that wood he used to build stuff? I have a suspicion that Jesus was a lumberjack, one of the most manly of all male jobs. Except that after Jesus had his breakfast of sheep jerky and put on his plaid robe and his hat with the earflaps, he didn’t spend all day sawing on some tree like a jerk. He just cursed the tree and it fell over and died! Jesus could have knocked down a whole forest while Little Susy Lumberjack is still working on one lousy tree. Manly.

Jesus didn’t take crap from religious types.
A bunch of people told Jesus he was going to hell. Know what he did? Went right up to the biggest, toughest priest he could find and said, ‘I’ve got a beef with you.’ He got up in their grills and told them they were going to hell. Direct and to the point, like a real man should be. He didn’t take it quietly when jerks went around saying he was in league with Satan and he wasn’t afraid to make a scene.

And while Jesus could be nice, like with women or animals, I don’t think he was being his ‘meek’ self when throwing down with Pharisees. He probably pumped himself up by getting a determined scowl on his face and growling at himself in the mirror. Men don’t smile when their about to eat someone for lunch. They scowl. Like this:

Speaking of making a scene…

Jesus totally wailed on a bunch of people, and no one did anything about it.
So Jesus goes to Jerusalem, and he’s getting super mad at all those deadbeats in the temple. So he just sits in his house, and it’s pitch black, except for this little sliver of light on his eyes. There’s some eerie music, maybe some smoke rising from the floor. He’s shining up his Winchester rifle really good, which in those days was called a ‘whip.’ He probably does some push-ups. Then he just non-chalantly goes to church…and kicks everyone’s butt! He’s going nuts, and this guitar is wailing in the background. Everyone’s running in slow motion and yelling, ‘Noooooo!’ and this money changer is so scared, he pees in his pants.

The one time Jesus did get wailed on: that time he got beat for a solid day and then got nailed to a piece of wood, and was legally dead for three days – that one time…even that couldn’t keep him down! Nothing’s more manly than standing back up from a royal beating, especially one that leaves you dead. And then he hunts down his friends who shrieked and ran off like a bunch of pre-teen girls when he was arrested…and Peter thinks Jesus is going to wail on him now…but instead they just hugged it out. That’s what guys do. They don’t hold stupid grudges. They hug it out. Manly.

Jesus never had a girlfriend.
Women today are told that it’s very feminine to not have a husband, be independent. Guess what – it works both way. The only thing manlier than having a hot babe on your arm is not having a hot babe clinging to your arm (provided it happens in this specific way.) Now, being a young and eligible bachelor, I have to think that there had to be at least one or two ladies who may have had their eye on Jesus. So maybe one of them comes up and is like, ‘How about dinner, Jesus?’ and he just says, ‘How about a forty day walk in the desert with no dinner?’ Like I said, Jesus was friendly toward the ladies, but he had stuff to do, and cuddling with some girl on his mom’s couch and shopping at Gap wasn’t on the list. He was a lone wolf.

Have you ever thought about how much Jesus walked? Oh, only all around Israel, TWICE! In shoes that weren’t much more than a dead animal’s skin strapped to his feet. That’s why he could wail on people so well. Like this guy: Anyway, Jesus probably had at least one lady interested in him, but he’s always like ‘Where my boys at?’ and chillin’ with his homies. What if Jesus was a real live heartbreaker? What if his animal skin shoes were still attached to the animals? What if those animals were still alive? The only thing better than a Chuck Norris brand roundhouse kick to the face would be one with live animal shoes. Chuck would roundhouse kick some jerk and as his foot hits the guy’s face, this live badger punches him in the mouth.

Jesus cried (when necessary)
Nothing’s more unmanly than a testosterone filled block-head that thinks all sign of human feeling must be purged from his being. Guys like this usually doubt their masculinity, then compensate for it with a car or a hot babe or something ridiculous.

Not Jesus. His boy Lazarus dies, he cries a little bit. He’s not made of stone. Even Jack Bauer cried…that one time.

There you have it. Jesus was the dude to begin and end all dudes, not some milktoast wimp. What makes a real man to you? What’s the manliest of all male characteristics? Who are some real men today, and some imposters?

2 responses to Jesus Was a Scowling Heartbreaking Lumberjack

  1. Hmm … like Kyle, I think I'm a little confused here. Are we being serious about this? Manly men take note – Jesus said it's the meek who will inherit the earth. So what's a man? When asked by the big Lebowski “What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski? Is it being prepared to do the right thing, whatever the cost? Isn’t that what makes a man?” – the immortal words of the Dude were, “Hmmm … Sure, That And A Pair Of Testicles”

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