Thou Shalt Not Eat Jesus

March 25, 2009

Monday, I posted about the many apparitions of Jesus that have turned up across the world. Most of them happened to be in food, since that seems to be what people pay the most attention to these days.

Ashley asked a great question, more clever than even I asked (which is not difficult): what would a person do with the fish stick that bore the very image of Christ? Now that it’s a relic, worthy of veneration, one can’t eat it, right?

Essentially, there has to be a hidden clause in the Bible, an eleventh commandment if you will that governs what to do when God shows up in your oatmeal.

Thou shalt not eat Jesus.

It has to be in there, right? God spends pages and pages talking about what the Israelites could or could not eat. He must have mentioned not eating himself in one of those books no one reads.

After doing some research, I discovered that there are many people who are flaunting the seeming absence of the ‘don’t eat Jesus’ clause. These products truly prove that it is what goes into a man that makes him holy.

Chocolate Jesus
Some Christians try to keep their holidays and children unsullied by such secular nonsense as Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. Including such idols alongside the Savior is just sacrelige. I can respect that. What I can really respect is the parent that gives his child the best of both worlds. Jesus = good. Easter Bunny = bad. Chocolate = good. Jesus + Chocolate – Easter Bunny = good.

My mom actually tells a story about meeting my Dad. He was a young bachelor preacher in a small town, and there were probably a few ladies who were trying to get his attention. Apparently, upon visiting his home, she found a dusty old chocolate Jesus that a spurned female suitor had not purchased but created herself! Dad couldn’t decide what to do with it. My mother told him it was okay to retire it.

Chocolate Nativity Set
For some, the chocolate Jesus just isn’t holy enough. Sure, maybe he’s good enough for Easter, when he’s the only center of attention. But Christmas, well you’ve got Mary, Joseph, angels, shepherds, animals, Magi, the whole gang! So what’s better than perfectly arranging this Nativity set, and then going ‘Godzilla’ on the whole thing and biting everyone’s heads off while the family sings ‘O Holy Night?’ Right?

Seems that candy is the most popular food medium to communicate the truths of scripture by, as these two products continue to illustrate.

Bible Jelly Beans and Noah Nuggets
The Jelly Beans get credit for not actually shaping the jelly beans like the people topping the containers. Those have just the right feeling of Sunday School cheapness to be awesome. But did anyone snicker at the second product?
Bible Bars
This is the only product that resembles ‘health food’ that I found. It claims to have the ‘seven foods of Deut. 8:8.’ I didn’t verify that Deut. 8:8 talks abou real food and not plagues and pestilence and curses, so I’ll have to take their word for it that it doesn’t contain those.

The bar also claims to be ‘nutrition, God’s way.’ Though it doesn’t seem to be kosher. At least I didn’t see a ‘K’ on the label. Seems dubious, don’t you think! I don’t know how you combine 7 biblical foods and get something un-kosher. Whatever you’re doing to start with 7 holy foods and get one unholy food can’t be good. Maybe pomegranates and honey are okay by God when eaten seperately, but together is a no-no.

This product makes me think that Christians ought to rename every dish they bring to potlucks to seem holier. A ‘Bible Bar’ sounds like a formerly named peanut butter bar. We need a spread of Christ casseroles and Jesus Rice and Beans.

Sometimes, I can’t settle for Jesus junk food. After all, man can not live on candy alone.

The Jesus Frying Pan
This amazing all-purpose frying pan, like you’ve seen on TV, is embossed with the image of our Lord and Savior. Suddenly, every ordinary, vulgar, secular food is turned magically holy! The pan is great for fried Jesus sandwiches! Some moms try to make ‘Mickey Mouse’ pancakes for their kids. Now you can be a totally better mom with effortless Jesus-cakes!

If you thought that product was amazing, this guy really gets it.

Christian Salt
In the grand tradition the world (and some Christians) have of hating everything Jewish, you no longer have to put up with buying that dang Jew-salt (commonly known as ‘Kosher salt’ by people who don’t watch NASCAR.) For just a few dollars more, you can have ‘blessed Christian salt,’ literally blessed by an Anglican priest, which completely undoes the highly offensive ethnic Kosher-ness of the salt.

Kind of sounds like ‘Dungeons and Dragons.’

Nerd 1: “I deploy my rabbi to attack you with kosher salt power of 1200!”

Nerd 2: “Not so fast. I counter with my Anglican priest with blessing power of 2500! Your salt is converted!”

Nerd 1: “Nooooooo!”

Nerd 2: “Gaaaaaaa!”

Salt guy can finally rest, knowing he now has no products in his home that are produced by minorities or foreigners…

Have you seen any amazing Christian food products? What is the world missing? You could be the next Christian millionaire! (Right behind the salt guy.) Has anyone given you Christian themed food you felt was completely inappropriate, and had to eat it while they stare, beaming at you?

This post is truly proof that you readers have some influence on this blog. Sometimes one of your comments will really strike me, and a post is born!