These days, a pastor’s job at a large multi-staff church is getting smaller and smaller, due to more and more specialization. Every arm of the church has a separate pastor. We have Executive Ministers, Preaching Ministers, Youth Ministers, Missions Ministers, and one of my favorites, the Minister of Announcements, a job I featured on this blog a few months ago.

Today we pay homage to another very specific minister.

How does your church signal to everyone that it’s time to start church? Everyone’s sitting in their seats chatting with the people around them. Maybe a musician is playing some music to create the atmosphere. Little do people know, the time for church to begin is upon them. Most pastors don’t run out on stage and yell, ‘IT’S TIME TO START! BE QUIET, PEOPLE!’ Most churches don’t have an air horn or a buzzer either.

Silently, like a ninja, a man takes the stage. No one notices him.

Without warning:

“Dear God, we bless you this morning and ask that you would recieve our worship…”
The audience quickly whispers to one another, ‘Shut up, he’s praying…’

This man is: The Minister of Prayers that Tell Everyone to Be Quiet, Church is Starting!

I love these ministers. We had one in our college chapel. People would be enjoying themselves and then without warning, we’d have to convert to full on prayer mode. The audience did a ‘wave’ of prayer. The front rows would be the first to notice a prayer was happening, bowing their heads. Then the prayer would work it’s way back as people noticed no one was talking anymore. By the time it reached the back, the people up front were already crying, and the prayer was over. The people in the back pretty much bowed their heads and said, “Amen.”

It’s got to be a tough job to get out there every week and say to yourself, “I’m going to pray now whether you sweaty heathans are ready or not. Church is starting, dang it!”

Of course the best part is listening to the last guy who hasn’t realized everyone else is praying. He’s talking normally, but suddenly, everyone can hear him, and he’s probably talking about something private like some rash he’s developed. It’s kind of like when little kids try to ‘whisper’ in church. They know how to make their voices sound like a whisper…just a very loud and public whisper.

(whisper) ‘MOMMY, I HAVE TO GO NUMBER 2!’

Yeah, it’s a whisper, but it’s in all caps. You get the idea. We’ve all been there, we know the kid has to go.

I always liked it when I knew the the prayer minister was about to come on stage. So I’d try to keep the guy next to me talking without him noticing. I wouldn’t bow my head; I’d just keep eye contact with him and try to see if I could get him to talk all through the prayer.

This phenomenon is great because it’s the much rarer cousin to the also hilarious and more common occurance of the guy that sings out of turn during a song. I call this the ‘Music Minister Fake Out.’

Music Minister: La la la! Singing the verse…A, F sharp, D, B…ok everyone get ready, ready, ok, time to sing the chorus…

Guy in Audience: JEsss….(dang it.) *cough*

Music Minister: Oh not yet. I know it sounded like I said it’s time to sing the chorus, but it isn’t. Here’s some fancy chords you weren’t expeting! C, G, B! How holy does that sound? Ok, now it’s time to sing!

It’s pretty hard to cover it up when you’re really into a song and you belt out the first word of the next verse, only to realize you’ve been faked out. It’s like tripping in public and trying to pretend that you are tying your shoe or breaking into a jog. It just doesn’t work.

Like the guy who you get to mistakenly talk through the prayer, if you know the musician’s pattern, try to throw the guy next to you off. Take a deep breath at the wrong time, like you’re about to really belt it. He’ll think his rhythm is off and it’s time to sing.

Ever had either of these situations happen to you? Were you able to effectively cover up for yourself, or did everyone glare at you?

Hey everyone, happy Friday!

I’m leaving you with a light post this Friday because:

A) I’m completely overworked this week.
B) I’m polishing up a big surprise for next week. Phase two of The Church of No People takes effect, so you won’t want to miss it! I’m never content to rest on my laurels and I have big ambitions to take this blog to the next level. I won’t tell you exactly when it will happen though. Stay tuned.

I will leave you with a little Friday fun in the form of Jim Gaffigan: the other comedian (behind Brian Regan) who I think Christians can almost adopt.

The first bit is actually poking a little fun at Christianity, though he does claim to be Catholic. If you don’t think Christianity is a funny subject, then the second video is a complete non-sequiter, but also non-offensive (unless you’re a hot pocket.) But if you never laugh at Christians, then I’m not sure why you’re here to begin with.

Ciao, gang!

Monday, I posted about the many apparitions of Jesus that have turned up across the world. Most of them happened to be in food, since that seems to be what people pay the most attention to these days.

Ashley asked a great question, more clever than even I asked (which is not difficult): what would a person do with the fish stick that bore the very image of Christ? Now that it’s a relic, worthy of veneration, one can’t eat it, right?

Essentially, there has to be a hidden clause in the Bible, an eleventh commandment if you will that governs what to do when God shows up in your oatmeal.

Thou shalt not eat Jesus.

It has to be in there, right? God spends pages and pages talking about what the Israelites could or could not eat. He must have mentioned not eating himself in one of those books no one reads.

After doing some research, I discovered that there are many people who are flaunting the seeming absence of the ‘don’t eat Jesus’ clause. These products truly prove that it is what goes into a man that makes him holy.

Chocolate Jesus
Some Christians try to keep their holidays and children unsullied by such secular nonsense as Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny. Including such idols alongside the Savior is just sacrelige. I can respect that. What I can really respect is the parent that gives his child the best of both worlds. Jesus = good. Easter Bunny = bad. Chocolate = good. Jesus + Chocolate – Easter Bunny = good.

My mom actually tells a story about meeting my Dad. He was a young bachelor preacher in a small town, and there were probably a few ladies who were trying to get his attention. Apparently, upon visiting his home, she found a dusty old chocolate Jesus that a spurned female suitor had not purchased but created herself! Dad couldn’t decide what to do with it. My mother told him it was okay to retire it.

Chocolate Nativity Set
For some, the chocolate Jesus just isn’t holy enough. Sure, maybe he’s good enough for Easter, when he’s the only center of attention. But Christmas, well you’ve got Mary, Joseph, angels, shepherds, animals, Magi, the whole gang! So what’s better than perfectly arranging this Nativity set, and then going ‘Godzilla’ on the whole thing and biting everyone’s heads off while the family sings ‘O Holy Night?’ Right?

Seems that candy is the most popular food medium to communicate the truths of scripture by, as these two products continue to illustrate.

Bible Jelly Beans and Noah Nuggets
The Jelly Beans get credit for not actually shaping the jelly beans like the people topping the containers. Those have just the right feeling of Sunday School cheapness to be awesome. But did anyone snicker at the second product?
Bible Bars
This is the only product that resembles ‘health food’ that I found. It claims to have the ‘seven foods of Deut. 8:8.’ I didn’t verify that Deut. 8:8 talks abou real food and not plagues and pestilence and curses, so I’ll have to take their word for it that it doesn’t contain those.

The bar also claims to be ‘nutrition, God’s way.’ Though it doesn’t seem to be kosher. At least I didn’t see a ‘K’ on the label. Seems dubious, don’t you think! I don’t know how you combine 7 biblical foods and get something un-kosher. Whatever you’re doing to start with 7 holy foods and get one unholy food can’t be good. Maybe pomegranates and honey are okay by God when eaten seperately, but together is a no-no.

This product makes me think that Christians ought to rename every dish they bring to potlucks to seem holier. A ‘Bible Bar’ sounds like a formerly named peanut butter bar. We need a spread of Christ casseroles and Jesus Rice and Beans.

Sometimes, I can’t settle for Jesus junk food. After all, man can not live on candy alone.

The Jesus Frying Pan
This amazing all-purpose frying pan, like you’ve seen on TV, is embossed with the image of our Lord and Savior. Suddenly, every ordinary, vulgar, secular food is turned magically holy! The pan is great for fried Jesus sandwiches! Some moms try to make ‘Mickey Mouse’ pancakes for their kids. Now you can be a totally better mom with effortless Jesus-cakes!

If you thought that product was amazing, this guy really gets it.

Christian Salt
In the grand tradition the world (and some Christians) have of hating everything Jewish, you no longer have to put up with buying that dang Jew-salt (commonly known as ‘Kosher salt’ by people who don’t watch NASCAR.) For just a few dollars more, you can have ‘blessed Christian salt,’ literally blessed by an Anglican priest, which completely undoes the highly offensive ethnic Kosher-ness of the salt.

Kind of sounds like ‘Dungeons and Dragons.’

Nerd 1: “I deploy my rabbi to attack you with kosher salt power of 1200!”

Nerd 2: “Not so fast. I counter with my Anglican priest with blessing power of 2500! Your salt is converted!”

Nerd 1: “Nooooooo!”

Nerd 2: “Gaaaaaaa!”

Salt guy can finally rest, knowing he now has no products in his home that are produced by minorities or foreigners…

Have you seen any amazing Christian food products? What is the world missing? You could be the next Christian millionaire! (Right behind the salt guy.) Has anyone given you Christian themed food you felt was completely inappropriate, and had to eat it while they stare, beaming at you?

This post is truly proof that you readers have some influence on this blog. Sometimes one of your comments will really strike me, and a post is born!

People love to say that God is everywhere, in the little things.

Ancient and tribal people used to look for God in nature: rocks, trees, animals.

In the Bible, God appeared to people as a burning bush, as a column of fire or smoke, or a mysterious visitor.

Now, we look for God in our food.

In the last several years, we’ve had a virtual renassaince of sightings of Jesus, along with UFOs and Elvis (which I also classify as religious visions.) It started when that woman saw Jesus in a tortilla. Then Christ started making all kinds of appearances: in rocks, tree bark, cereal, puddles, candy. I know we’ve all heard these stories, but I compiled a few photos of my personal favorites. It’s Jesus in toast, a fish stick, and a mildew stain on a shower wall. I guess cleanliness isn’t next to godliness after all. Either that, or Jesus was showing up that guy’s apartment to tell him to clean up his man-cave for crying out loud.

Now maybe Jesus showing up on someone’s toast is pretty weird. But it still seems better than the miracles the Hindus get. One of their gods inhabits a statue of a cow or elephant. What does a deity do when it visits its worshippers in a statue? What wisdom or blessing does it bring? It drinks spoonfuls of milk. What kind of benevolent diety shows up to an impoverished country and then eats the peoples’ food?

After I googled ‘Jesus sightings’ I also did some research, and found that sightings of Satan were much less prevalent. While the Son of God is busy constantly showing up in toast, fish sticks and ravioli, it seems Satan doesn’t even bother to get off his duff to appear in one lousy danish. Doesn’t seem people are watching out much for him anyway. If he’s not going to make the effort, people just aren’t going to take him seriously. But if Jesus can show up in corn flakes, I’d definately be on the lookout for Satan when I pour my Count Chocula.

A God that shows up in my filet-o-fish is the only kind of God I can take seriously.

I guess it makes sense for Jesus to show up in food. People used to excuse themselves from church, saying that they could worship while doing other things – recreational activities. They saw God while fishing on the lake. Since Jesus can’t get most of us onto the golf green on Sundays anymore, he’s got to settle for showing up in a Manwich.

As I saw all the various sightings of Christ that the faithful the world over had been witness to, I got a little jealous. Why hadn’t God appeared to me? It didn’t have to be anything special. Just a waffle or something.

That’s when I had my very own vision.

From this photograph, you can clearly see the two eyes and mouth, complete with a halo encircling the face. It is undeniably Christ, albeit a bit more aghast and less serene looking than in his toastly appearances. But I was a bit aghast too. The Son of God, staring right at me, literally waiting for me to unleash his awesome power! I’ve since surrounded the holy image with candles I purchased from my local ethnic grocery store.

What do you think? Are you a believer? Does God really visit people in ordinary objects? Is it the same phenomenon of people needing God and finding him in everyday life, like tribals worshipping rocks?

Know what Americans need? More Bibles.

I set out on a quest for a new Bible. I’ve got my stand-by, an NIV study Bible with my scribbles all over it. It’s pretty rad. But I felt like I needed a new Bible for some reason. It was just feeling a little, I don’t know, stale.

Since it’s been a while since I’ve purchased a Bible, I knew there would be several new translations and versions to choose from that I would not be familiar with. I went to Amazon.com to check out my options.

Amazon came up with 7,183 different Bibles.

7,183 different flavors of God’s Word.

This was going to be more daunting than I had previously assumed. But perhaps you’re in the same boat, trying to navigate the endless waters of niche Bibles. Some tirelessly working marketing team has decided to serve the Lord by identifying, studying and producing a Bible for your specific segment of society, to help God meet your specific needs for the next five minutes! But how do you know which group you fall into? What if you got the wrong Bible? Your needs might not be met! Your Bible might not make you as happy as it’s intended!

The Church of No People Institute for Studying Things has identified some of the most important Bibles out there, and devised an easy system to help you know if God can work in your life through these Bibles by keeping his Word fresh and interesting as it caters to you.

The Message
The Message is a huge phenomenon. Some people love to ponder over the beauty of the details in life. Others just want the gist of things. The Message is the words of scripture, now simplified and re-interpreted for the common person. It may not get all the details right, but it gets the gist of things. God, Jesus, everyone’s here! The Message has been so successful, it’s spawned several new versions of itself, including ‘The Message: Remix 2.0,’ and ‘The Message: Pause.’
Try it if you like: Wikipedia
Wikipedia is a huge phenomenon. Some people love to ponder over the beauty of the details in life. Others just want the gist of things. Wikipedia is human knowledge, now simplified and collectively re-interpreted for the common person. It may not get all the details right, but it gets the gist of things. George Washington, Groucho Marx, they’re all here! Wikipedia has been so successful, it’s spawned several new versions of itself, including WikiNews and WikiBooks.

The Chronological New King James Bible
Maybe you’re the adventurous type. Maybe every day for you is the Renassaince Festival. You fancy long quests and long bows and characters named Longshanks. Perhaps thou believest that surly, crusading pirates are inherently better than ninjas (thou art wrong.) My friend, this Bible was made for you. This ancient tome carries the very legend and legacy of Israel, in the re-edited, director’s cut tale of swords, battles, plagues and fair maidens. And with just enough fancy old-school English-speak, ye truly will raise ye olde chalice and toast this masterpiece!
Try it if you like: The Lord of the Rings

The Regular King James Bible
Some people still go for really old-school. This unedited, un-remixed, un-exciting version of the Bible which shaped our language is no longer than any other Bible, but it feels that way. It’s archaic words will confuse you, forcing you to take twice as long to read it. Only people with true taste for boredom and endlessly exasperating stories will truly appreciate this classic. Verily!
Try it if you like: Pride and Prejudice

The Evidence Bible
Written by Ray Comfort, this Bible promises to dissect each scene of the Bible with meticulous attention to detail. Every trace and every clue is re-examined to prove what really happened in Israel so many years ago. You’ll be uncovering new facts, interviewing new people, finding new clues. This Bible is great to read in a laboratory under blue lights while listening to funky techno-riffs. From the opening bang of creation to the final twist of Revelation, you’ll be on the edge of your seat. This Bible always gets its man. The only thing missing is David Caruso.
Try it if you like: CSI, Cold Case, CSI: NY, Numbers, Bones, The Shield, NYPD Blue, Without a Trace, COPS, CSI: Miami, The Closer, Criminal Minds, Law & Order, Law & Order: SVU, Law & Order: Criminal Intent, The Mentalist or Dateline.

The Green Bible
Maybe you’re feeling a little bit self-conscious around your non-Christian friends. While your progressive-thinking peers are out trying to save Darfur, or at least paying Bono to do it, or reducing their carbon footprint, you’re probably going to some Bible study! And everyone knows what goes on at those things. Christians plot how they can take away everyone’s freedom, elect Republicans, and destroy the earth! You don’t have to tell us; your leather-bound Bible says it all. Why don’t you just get a Bible make of baby seals, murderer!
If your Bible is getting in the way of your witness to your eco-conscious friends, put The Green Bible on your recycled bamboo coffee table. It has no carbon footprint, helps save Darfur, and its cover is made completely out of granola!
Try it if you like: Telling everyone you don’t even own a TV.

Grace for the Moment Bible
Maybe you didn’t get hugged enough as a child. You need some extra love in your life. Despite all the affection and encouragement you recieve from your parents, children, spouse, church and friends, you need just a little bit more. Max Lucado has a Bible for you. No matter what’s going on, Max’s Bible is here to cheer you up. It doesn’t matter what you’re dealing with: slow traffic, an inept waitress, a spider in your house, you can have victory, because there is grace for this moment. And someone in the Bible just might have had it worse than you (maybe.)
Try it if you like: Oprah

The Grandmother’s Bible
It’s your golden years. You’ve worked hard raising a family, and they should be your satisfaction in life. But that idiot son of yours is raising your grandchildren to be a bunch of godless heathens! You need a Bible that helps you pray for your family and this rest of this god-forsaken country before everyone goes to hell! Plus its knitted cover is sure to match that quilt you’re working on.
It makes a great match with The Grandfather’s Bible, with its extra heavy brick-like cover; perfect for throwing at those gat-dang teenagers who won’t stay off your property with their baggy pants and their devil music!
Try it if you like: The Price is Right, but not that new young fella. He doesn’t know what he’s doing up there. And ever since Bob Barker left, I can’t keep that mangy cat next door from violating my precious Toonces, no matter how much I spray him with the hose. Right in front of my house!

What I really want to find is one of those Bibles that blinds me with the light of Jesus when I open it, like I see in all those forwarded emails I don’t open.

For the record, if you care, I prefer the NIV Bible. It has a good balance of literal interpretation, modern language and smooth sentence structure, which is quite a feat. I found in seminary (where everyone used the NAS) almost every time the prof. would point out what the Bible really means (i.e. where the NAS is inaccurate), my NIV would already have the proper translation.

There’s lots of other Bibles out there that remain to be studied. What’s your favorite Bible? Do you own any of these speciality Bibles? Are they actually any good?

I’ve been curious lately about how some people arrive at my blog. Lucky for me, I recently discovered that Google Analytics keeps track of every search people have made that has led to them right here. The answers…were not conclusive. Some of them look like they were looking specifically for me. Others, well it seems to prove that whole ‘six degrees’ of seperation thing may have some credence. Here are some of my favorite Google searches that have led people to finding me:

How to please your man
At least a dozen variations of this search have been made, including ‘how 2 please your man,’ ‘pleasing your man 101,’ and ‘how to put it on your man,’ whatever that means. This makes ‘pleasing your man’ by far the most frequent search leading people to my blog. Ladies, remember: ‘more.’ That’s it, you’re welcome. Maybe I’ll start a sex column soon.

How to get a Christian boy to like you
First, lump them all into a broad category. I’m sure George Barna has done a study on this.

What to do with a Christian emotional guy or
Crybaby men of God
Give him ice cream.

My brother is an idiot
I feel your pain. I really do.

I stole my own car
Good job, Chachi. Did you strip it and sell it for scrap too?

People who should be dead
Apparently, I made someone’s list.

Name of CD containing song ‘marnie’ by Fernando Ortega
What?

Taco sauce party
Why wasn’t I invited?

Where did Mark Driscoll get his Mickey Mouse shirt?
Ah the deep questions of life.

How do you no if your man has created
That’s not a typo. I don’t know why, but I’m the fourth link Google comes up with.

There’s no clothed people in hell
Reason enough to get to heaven!

Pick up girls at church or
How to get a church girl
Well, I am the master. I got one to marry me. For starters, whistle at her and yell, ‘Hey, church girl!’

The guy that died for three hours and came back to life
Don’t know what you’re talking about.

Lady fell down ditch
Wish I knew what you were talking about.

What to do when your grandma hates you for not going to church
…Go…to…church?

How do people kill two birds with one stone
Tie them together first. Or kill one, and then reuse the rock.

Why boys love legos or
Why guys love ninjas
Seems obvious to me, but I’m glad I could help clear this up.

The perfect pastor blog
Thank you.

Know what would be awesome? Search Google Blogs for a blog about Kevin Bacon, and see how many links you have to follow to find me! Or find yourself. That might be easier. I tried it. Took me 3 links to get to a blog that I follow. Pretty cool.
How did you find this blog? If you did a Google search, what was it?