How to Please Your Man

278 NEW ways to please your man!

All year long, women's interest magazines boast of dozens of 'secrets' to pleasing men. I suspect the numbers are especially strong during this, the month of commercialized love.

I think I know what 'pleasing your man' pertains to. I think you do too. If I'm right, I also think I can give you better advice on how please your man in one word than they can give you in 278 points:

More.

That's it. Whatever you're doing right, do it more.

And after all these years, the millions of magazines, the hundreds of thousands of ways women have been told to please their men, it seems they still haven't figured it out. Because these magazines still think it needs to be said. And women keep reading the articles! Men don't know what women want either, and there's just as much being circulated in men's magazines. But you don't see men's magazines up front at the check-out line. I guess if women knew what their men were reading, they would lose their motivation to please them so much.

The reason women haven't figured it out is that magazine writers are tools most of the time. Case in point, this issue of Cosmopolitan. 293 new fashion trends? Really? How many ways are there to dress yourself? And when it comes to the mag's advice on relationships, some woman actually takes it, and her husband inevitably responds, "Agh! What on earth are you doing?" And all she can say is, "I'm pleasing you, honey."

You don't need a magazine to tell you how to please your man. I got your 'pleasing' right here in three steps. Three. That's how a man does it.

1. Make a Sandwich

My wife and I have several pet phrases we tease each other with. One of my favorites is to yell at her to 'make me a sandwich.' I also call her 'woman' to drive home the demand. It's funny to us because any man, any man, no matter how inept he is in the kitchen, is able to make his own sandwich without making his wife wait on him. It just asserts his 'manliness' to bark orders at others. And I'm quite adept in the kitchen, so it's even funnier.

But seriously, make me a sandwich. And no sissy vegetables, just meat and cheese. I said sandwich, not salad.

2. Neck rubs in church

Pretty easy to do. It's not like you're doing anything else like cleaning or making a sandwich at the moment anyway. You'll be doing those things after church and then won't be able to give neck rubs! Don't look at me like that; I'm just trying to help you ladies multi-task. Aren't women always bragging about how great they are at multi-tasking?

3. Cancel the Magazine Subscriptions

Men also have plenty of idiotic magazines at their disposal, but I don't read any of them because I don't need to know how to dress like an Italian metrosexual. Unless your magazines are imparting to you a useful skill like cooking or woodworking (not hypothetical ways to please your man) you should cancel your subscriptions. I can almost bet your man will be extremely pleased to not see stacks of magazines all over the house. If you must read these, go to the bookstore, or scan them in the check-out line. Don't bring them home. Even if you put your Redbook mags in a drawer under some clothes, your man could find your stash, and then it's blown.

Why should you not read magazines if you want to please your man?

1. They are expensive. First, you plunk down $5 for a magazine, then it's 50% ads for expensive junk you don't need and probably can't afford, but suddenly want. These compound costs cut into a man's budget for guns and beef jerky. Chances are, if you man is able to play with more guns and eat more jerky because you aren't buying magazines, he will be pleased.

2. They are littered with pictures of people you don't know! I don't need to know what celebrities are doing at all times. They are paid to entertain me on the television or movie screen, but I probably would not enjoy their real life company. Their real life appearances in tabloids and People are like the 'unrated' scenes that were cut out of a movie, then added back in for rental. Movie studios make this ploy to make teenagers think they'll get to see some extra 'unrated' skin, or hear some 'unrated' words, which they never do. Believe me. Do you know why those 'unrated' scenes were cut out of the movie to begin with? They stunk. And that's why we don't make movies about celebrities' real lives. They stink. Cut down on the attention you pay to celebrities and pay more attention to your husband, and he will probably be pleased.

3. They spew propaganda. Unless you are reading Ranger Rick, in which case you are a child, your head is being filled with the tired and useless philosophies of the world. It's always disguised as 'tips' or 'secrets.' And I haven't read Ranger Rick in about 20 years, so maybe he's become a cog in the machine too. Stop making dinner conversation centered around the latest advice from O magazine, and your man will probably be pleased. Just the fact that he will feel he is no longer married to you and Oprah will most definately please him.

Look at that, a three-fold way to please your man, just for doing one thing! Efficiency like that also pleases men. Funny that out of all the ways the magazines find to please your man, they never think of this one!

Ladies, you can thank me later.

Guys, what have I missed? Let's help the ladies out this Valentine's day. Ladies, throw us some advice too. How can we make you happy, for crying out loud?